POURING HER HEART OUT

Dear Diary, Where's My Meds? Love, Paula Abdul

By Nicki R

WELL, IT'S OVER. THAT WAS THE LONGEST LUCKIEST STREAK ON TV.

My 15 minutes lasted eight years! Andy Warhol never met a shiny, slurry-mouthed star like me before he coined that little phrase.

So, I spilled my secret. I told the world that I was washing my hands of American Idol. Those sharks aren't going to make me -- the only judge with an actual singing career -- sweat over a contract.

Plus, they totally dissed my demand to sing on every episode and have the Idol theme changed to my hit single Dance Like There's No Tomorrow. I was even willing to change my lyrics to Sing Like There's No Tomorrow, but the producers refused to deal. Piss off to them I say.

That's okay, I'll be dancing to a different tune in no time! I've got to keep my head held high!

Oh, when does the pharmacy open in the morning? I need my patch!

I can't believe that "milquetoast" phony Ryan Secrest tripled his salary and the producers offered me a paltry 30 percent raise! I had hit albums before plastic boy was even born. Who do they think they're dissing?

Goes to show me that kindness doesn't pay. I should have just come out and told Adam Lambert that his eyeshadow was competing with him on the stage. Haven't heard much in the news about him lately, have we?

I'll miss Simon and his musky smell ever so close to me. He understood better than anyone my secret language of love. I want him to miss me. I want him to announce to the world that he wants me. I know leaving is a crazy way to play hard to get but I'm a crazy lady!

The upside is that I won't have to hear Randy uttering "dawg" 18 times a night anymore. Kara will have to put up with that drooling. Too bad her song got dropped from the summer tour! First time it happened in Idol history. It's laughable to think that she can take my place! Her first year didn't go too well, and her second will go worse.

I truly believe that American Idol will be nothing without me and all my fans will stop watching the show and all the contestants will never know what it's like to have a loving judge on the panel.

Oh, wait and see what the fans do to them next season! You wait and see!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!