Page 4. "Eyewitness" reports sez Mel Gibson was pissed when a Neiman Marcus salewoman took too long to wait on his pregnant lover, only to find out she was swamped with demands from Nicky and Paris Hilton. You'd think Neiman's could have two people working in shoes? Also here, you'll find snaps of five of the best beach bods in La La Land, most noteworthy of them Jennifer Lopez's bodacious booty and Adrianne Curry's delicious curves. Why don't they put these pics on the front instead of all those cottage-cheesy bods? These girls have earned the cover in the gym!

Which brings us to Page 6, where the one and only K-Fed appears two times his previous size. Which means his hoped-for reality show may be out of his grasp. Allegedly VH1 execs have told him to lose 45 pounds or else -- because it's hard enough to sell a show about the ex-husband of a Pop star on TV, let alone a fat one.

Plus! Patrick Swayze's smoking pot! and Mark Wahlberg weds in a shotgun wedding! If you want to know any more, you'll have to buy the mag.

Pages 10 and 11 explore Jon Gosselin's slutty ways since his separation from Kate. He's now hooked up with, count em -- one, two, three, four women, or more accurately "girls." Looks like Jonny is making up for lost time. Advice to girls: Wear a condom. The bum doesn't work and is already tethered to eight mini muppets.

Page 12. Michael Jackson died a virgin!!!! This tidbit comes compliments of sibling LaToya who purportedly told friends MJ never had sex with "ANY woman" (no word on men though) because it "scared" him.

Also on Page 12! The usually "milquetoast" Ryan Seacret blasted his radio bosses on the air for telling to buttom his lip and play more music. "Maybe I should go to a different station!,'' Seacrest snarls. Looks like his American Idol raise has gone to his mouth?

Finally, on page 14, the Enquirer shows photos from Michael Jackson'sdeath bedroom. There's nothing telling about the pics save for one which shows a blood-stained shirt. But the story leaves out the most interesting tidbit: Who sold the tab the pics?

Page 18. Katie Holmes is a shopaholic. Oh, please. This is news? Like we should care? Be surprised? Her hubby's got more money than Suri and all her great grandchildren can spend in a hundred years.

Page 20. Joe Jonas is crying over being dumped by Camilla Belle. Boo Hoo. Take off the chastity ring and you'll feel better in no time.

Page 24. Prison is the best thing to ever happen to OJ Simpson's ex-beau Christie Prody. After 12 years with the footballer-turned-actor-turned-national pariah, 34-year-old Prody moved back home to Minnesota, met a man and now has a new baby girl. OJ was "livid" over the news. We repeat: prison is the best thing to ever happen to Prody.

Page 27 has the tale of two narcissists: Apparently 90210's and Grey's Anatomy Katherine Heigl have gone to the dark side. Both are paying too much attention to their publicity and have become bears on their TV sets. Oh, well, if they keep it up, it's only a matter of time before they're scratching each other's eyes for face time on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

Page 29. Oh, look! Isn't this adorable? The Enquirer has a special feature to help put animal abusers behind bars! That's so that the eds. will have something on the 'pro' list when they knock on heaven's door. Hey, works for me!

Page 31. Brangelina is dangerously close to being separated by the letter ''D." "There are serious cracks in Brad and Angelina's relationship,'' an alleged "friend" told the tab. Okay, they're losing me here. Who talks like that --"Serious cracks?" I'll wait for the divorce. Oh, wait, they're not married. Gosh, maybe they're smarter than we think!

Okay, I'm stuffed. I can't eat anymore. But if you really want to know: the story about Dr. Phil starts on Page 34.