DISTURBIA

Mad Men Recap: Love Among The Ruinous

By Miz J

ALRIGHT, SO EVEN IF I WEREN'T IN A BOOZY HAZE, last night's episode (and a new, larger 1.5 liter jug of sangria, on sale today only!) would still have left me all fucked up.

We start off with a shrill projection of Ann Margret singing Bye Bye Birdie. The men are eating this up, and Peggy is like the rest of us: grimacing and counting in her head the seconds until it's over. Of course, Sal is eating it up more for the Broadway musical styling and not for the busty blonde actress, but I digress.

Peggy is clearly not digging it, and has voiced her opinion. But this is what Pepsi wants for its new Diet Rite brand: a happy, bouncy girl that all the men want and all the women want to be.

Don makes this point to Peggy and tells her, "You're not an artist, Peggy. You solve problems." Well, how about the problem of Ann Margaret's shrill ass voice, Don? Can she solve that? PLEASE?

So ass-kickin' Peggy gets knocked down a, um, peg or two. For now.

Pete and Kinsey are working to secure the Madison Square Garden project. The groundbreaking is nearly two years away at this point, but the structure is going to be very modern and should rejuvenate NYC. The client is concerned about voices of protest. A grassroots movement wants to save Penn Station, but they have no power to do so. Kinsey wrongly sides with this group when speaking to the prospective client, which earns him a "commie" label. Heh. He's in the doghouse with Campbell, who's up against Cosgrove, who's this close to scoring that additional work from Pepsi…so you can imagine the pissy attitude on Campbell. He storms out of the conference room to sulk for the rest of the episode.

Mr. Price, the new big man on campus, calls Bert, Roger and Don down to discuss the loss, and see if Don can do some ass kissing to make things right. The best quote ever, in the history of forever, follows: "I don't want to walk down here every time we lose an account. It's an advertising agency. I'll wear out the carpet."

Truer words have never been spoken, Mr. Cooper.

Also, in case you were wondering, Joan is officially married to Date Raper (I know he has a name, but when you rape your fiancée in her boss's office, you don't get addressed by it). We know because we get to share the world's most AWKWARD MOMENT when Roger and Joan are left alone, and all he can muster up is a weak, "Goodnight, Mrs. Harris." Put down the gin and tonic and SAVE her, you drunken fool!

Roger is preoccupied, though. His daughter hates Jane, and doesn't want her to attend her wedding. So he's dealing with his little princess turning into a bitchy bridezilla, which drives him to drink…more.

It's the end of the day, and Peggy heads to a bar, where she uses a certain curvy redhead's patented techniques to pique the interest of a naëve undergrad. She goes home with him and totally ditches him in the middle of the night. Seems to me like Peggy's taking Don lessons…with a minor in Joan.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Betty's freaking out about her dad, who only seems to be getting worse. Gloria is out of the picture, so she invites Gene, William, Judy and the kids to their home for spring break, much to Don's dismay. I love how Jon Hamm has found a way to convey total misery without changing the look on his face. They should name this maneuver after him, so like, the next time my boyfriend wants to bug me about going halves on some lame-ass Zelda game for the Wii, I can use the Jon Hamm method to save myself $25. That would be *sweet*.

Betty begins to suspect that her brother William is after Gene's house, and that's why he's so big on sending Gene to a home. She shares this information with Don, after tearfully telling him that she's going to get a bucket of chicken. Which is like, seriously? Can you see Betty eating from a fuckin' bucket of chicken? Or even ALLOWING one in her house?

Bucket-of-chickenless, and aggravated at having a full house (filled with people he really doesn't like), Don decides to take care of business. "William, come in here," he demands, and this flat-assed little preppie follows orders. Don stiffens his upper lip and explains that William will tell his wife and Betty that he and Don have come to a decision: Gene will stay with Don & Betty. William will offer financial support. Don then tells William that he and his family can take the train back to Bumfuck, NJ, because Gene is keeping his damn Lincoln…and his house. William tries to throw a hissy fit, but, being used to Pete Campbell, Don has learned to just wait, refill his scotch and watch the brat run out of energy. Or air. So that doesn't work, and William resigns himself to packing up his family and heading home.

Betty is relieved. At least until she's awakened in the middle of the night by Gene, who is pouring all their booze down the drain because he thinks it's 1927 and he's still running a speakeasy. NOT THE BOOZE! I’m sorry. I need a moment.

Okay, so then cut to some lame Maypole recital, where Don and Betty watch as the kids braid ribbon around the pole and dance. Don begins to watch their flower child instructor and stroke the grass under his chair with a fingertip. Yeah, I know! WTF. This goes on for way too long, this whole spring feeling…then we suddenly cut back to Don at work, sitting down to meet with Peggy. Then it’s…over?

What the fuck kind of Twin Peaks shit is this? I need another drink.

Miz J, who works in advertising, is a regular contributor and resident expert on all things Mad Men at Crabby Golightly. Check out her blog at Miz J