VARIOUS AND SORDID

Media Voraciously Feed On 'Wacko Jacko' Rumor, Gossip, Tidbits

THE MEDIA CONTINUES ITS VORACIOUS APPETITE FOR ALL THINGS MICHAEL JACKSON. To feed the beasts, news and rumors have flown fast and furiously since Wacko Jacko left this realm. Here are 10 facts and/ or rumors in summary:

1. Michael's beloved animal menagerie has been relocated over the past few years, with Tippi Hedren, star of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds and mother to Melanie Griffith, adopting Michael's two tigers.

2. A supposed autopsy report, released by England's The Sun, said that Michael's body was in "terrible shape." The paper reported that his body was covered in bruises, was bald and that there was nothing but pills in his stomach.

Two hours later, TMZ reported that the autopsy information was fake. The LA County coroner's office released a statement saying: "The report that is being published did not come from this office. I don't know where the information came from, or who that information came from. It is not accurate. Some of it is totally false."

3. The News of the World published an alleged interview with the biological mother of Michael's two oldest children, Debbie Rowe, claiming that Michael isn't the father of her children. She has been quoted as saying: I was just the vessel. It wasn't Michael's sperm.

I got paid for it, and I've moved on. I know I will never see my children again. Later in the day, an attorney for Rowe released a statement saying the interview is "complete fabrication."

4. Michael's youngest son, nicknamed Blanket, has no mother listed on his birth certificate.

5. Although Michael's lawyer, John Branca, claims to possess a will signed by Michael, Jackson's mother Katherine has filed a petition seeking to be named executor of the whole she-bang.

6. On the red carpet at Sunday's BET Awards, Michael's father, the always classy Joe Jackson, took time out of a CNN interview to plug his new record company. Check it out at around the 3:10 mark here.

During Monday afternoon's press conference at the Jackson family home, Joe defended his seemingly callous plug by saying that he only mentioned it because a reporter asked him about it. I dunno, I didn't hear anyone asking him about his future projects. Did you?

7. Over the weekend, Defamer got hold "of an email sent out by the Youth Intelligence division of famed PR agency CAA trolling for market research on how Michael Jackson's death affected 14 to 39 year olds. One has to wonder how such information would be used. As one Defamer commenter hypothesized, maybe other celebrities are wondering how a shocking, drug related death may skew their likability ratings.

8. Grace Rwaramba, nanny to MJ's children, purportedly gave an interview to the Times of Londonclaiming that she had to pump Michael's stomach "many times" due to drug use. She also claims that she once tried to get the Jackson clan to hold an intervention but the pop star became so enraged that he fired her temporarily. Apparently, she is so popular with the children that Jackson matriarch Katherine flew her to Los Angeles over the weekend. She says she was denied entrance to the Jackson home by members of the Nation of Islam.

9. Conrad Murray, the "cardiologist" who had been living with Jackson as he geared up for his comeback tour, isn't AMA board certified. At least not according to the interview his lawyer gave Matt Lauer on The Today Show this morning.

AEG, the company behind this comeback tour, reportedly put Dr. Murray on the payroll very recently. It was June 15th that the good doctor sent letters to patients at his Las Vegas practice saying he was leaving, but that his "absence is not permanent."

10. The Jackson Family, speaking through the Rev. Jesse Jackson, is concerned over irregularities in Dr. Murray's behavior on the day of the pop-star's death. The police removed the doctor's car from the Jackson estate but the doctor was no where to be found and didn't present himself to police for a day, at least. He still hasn't provided the surviving Jacksons with any information on the last hours of Michael's life.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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June 29, 2009

TICK TOCK

Celebrity Deaths Got You Scared? Use These 'Death Calculators' To Figure How Much Living You've Got Left

NOTHING LIKE FOUR CELEBRITIES KICKING THE BUCKET IN A WEEK TO REMIND US ALL THAT OUR TIME IS FINITE.

Something about 'celebrity' makes us think title wearers are exempt from the regular rules of life. But when a former pinup girl dies of cancer, a prolific songster drops dead at 50, and the perpetual sidekick meets perpetuity all in the same week, well, you start looking over your shoulder for the grim reaper.

Of course we can't really know when our number will be up, but we humans are ingenious at trying. Thus, we have a host of "death calculators" from which to figure out the number of our remaining days.

There's the The Original Death Calculator Game which, according to the product description, "promotes successful aging by alerting you to lifestyle areas that require your attention… before it's too late."

We're not sure that learning your potential expiration date is enough to convince folks to stub out the ciggies, make it to the gym and skip the donuts because death is so conceptual until it's at your doorstep. But if the death of Wacko Jacko, once that sweet boy from The Jackson Five, caught you offguard and prompted a case of jitters, then this game might help motivate you to change your ways.

Don't want some game in your face all the time? Then just skip your fingers over to The Death Clock, which calculates your date of demise with only a few factors: your birthday, whether you smoke, your body mass index, and the country in which you live.

For those who believe that death can't be predicted with just a few variables, there's the more complex and time-consuming Life Expectancy Calculator devised by academics affiliated with the University of Pennsylvania. Oh, those Ivy Leaguers, they think they know the answer to everything!

Actually, though, this calculator is quite impressive, using 42 variables to calculate your time to flatline.

Then there is futurist
Peter Russell's Virtual Age clock, which has an easy user interface. Just fill in the prompts, click, and -- viola! -- you'll be delivered your end date.

You'll find two more virtual crystal balls here and here.

There are dozens of these tools for the morbid online. Just plug in "death predictor" or "life calculator" or "death calculator" into your favorite search engine and learn the date of your demise!

And one final message: Happy travels!

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CELEBRITIES ARE MORTAL, TOO

Reeling From A Week Of Celebrity Deaths

The List Grows As Pitchman Billy Mays Dies Sunday

THE PROBLEM WITH THE TABLOID WEEKLIES IS THEY ARE JUST SO LAST TUESDAY'S NEWS.

WHEN THEY WENT TO PRINT LAST WEEK, FARRAH FAWCETT AND MICHAEL JACKSON were still alive, and US mag's Fashion Police were all over Michael wearing women's clothes. And all of the tabs had stories about Farrah's impending deathbed marriage to Ryan O'Neal.

Man, you've got to feel for that guy. His son's in jail and just when his longtime paramour finally agrees to marry him, she dies of rectal cancer.

And then you have to feel bad for Farrah herself because she had, what, like eight hours in the celebrity death spotlight? And then BAM out of nowhere Michael Jackson kicks it too!

Thursday was crazy. So many emotions and so many Twittered tweets.

Preceding Thursday's earth shattering news, on Tuesday, was that we lost the sidekick for all seasons when Ed McMahon died at the age of 86.

Ed's had a few rough years with a financial rough patch, and an accident in 2007 that reportedly broke his back. It was sad to see him go, even if it was only for nostalgia's sake. It's been a long time since Ed was a TV staple but he will always be an iconic presence in pop-culture.

Farrah's death was the tragic end to a long and public battle with cancer. In May NBC broadcast Farrah's Story, a two-hour documentary chronicling her struggle with her illness. Farrah is most famous for her role on the 70s TV show Charlie's Angels. Well, actually she’s MOST famous for the 1976 red bathing suit poster that ran in Life magazine. But she was also fantastic in The Burning Bed, which set the standard for TV mini-series in 1984. Farrah also launched a million feathered haircuts in the late 70s and early 80s. She was, hands down, the hottest Angel and everyone had been rooting for her and Ryan O'Neal for a looooong time. This is more tragic than Love Story!

Even while reporters where getting their obit pieces together for Farrah, TMZ broke the news that Michael Jackson was enroute to the hospital after suffering a cardiac arrest. By the time the rest of the news and gossip sites had picked up on the story, TMZ was reporting that Jackson was dead, but it was only confirmed a few hours later that the King of Pop had died. Since then, nonstop tributes to MJ have been running on radio, TV and cable stations. Everywhere you went they were playing Michael's music or talking about the shock of his death. By Sunday, the hagiographies has slowed, and new lurid tales of weirdness were emerging.

Of course, the entertainment industry isn't the only one preoccupied by Jackson's passing. His body was rushed to the LA County coroner's office on Friday morning, and shortly thereafter reports started surfacing that his heart had stopped after a Demerol injection. Authorities sought out the doctor who lived with the star and released him after questioning.

MJ's hair was accidentally set on fire during a Pepsi commercial shoot back in 1988. He became addicted to his pain medication and ended up in the Betty Ford Clinic. For years people have hypothesized about what he was doing to and putting into his body. There are various surgeries and treatments he has undergone and some weird practices including sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber. HIs bizarre behavior, combined with allegations and subsequent trial for child molestation, made it seem as though the Michael Jackson from The Jackon Five had died 20 years ago, with some deranged white dude taking his place. It’s unfortunate that the allegations and accusations that plagued him later in life will always cast a shadow on a mindblowing career and talent.

Losing three celebrities in a week is weird. Everyone always talks about how celebrity deaths are supposed to happen in threes, as if Heaven’s a party you need an entourage to attend. And if two celebrities die in close proximity to each other everyone holds their breath to see if there will be a third. It’s just a weird urban legend.

But after Michael Jackson died there was a subconscious sigh of relief because well, there was the third. The rest of the celebrities were safe, for now.

And then, this afternoon I’m chowing down on a breakfast burrito when I get a text that Billy “OxiClean” Mays is dead! That guy was the king of infomercials! He’s been starring in a related based show on Discovery Channel called Pitchmen. It’s features Mays and Anthony Sullivan, a real life rival pitchman, traveling the country looking for new products to pitch on late night television. What are they going to do now? What a random death! No one is really sure what the cause of death is, but on Saturday Billy hit his head on an overhead luggage compartment during a rough landing of a plane that blew a front tire. He seemed perfectly fine, even talking about the incident with a Tampa, Florida radio DJ during a phone interview later that day. But his wife reported that he wasn’t feeling well when he went to bed Saturday night and he was unresponsive when she woke up Sunday morning.

Last week the starlets and the gossip queens were complaining about being displaced from the cover pages by the whole Jon & Kate plus Divorce saga. Lindsay and Paris are going to have to wait another week to get back into the spotlight as American magazines mourn these lost celebrities. RIP.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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THE WEDDING SEASON

Forever Seems A Long Time When Uttering "Til Death Do Us Part"

I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT ZACH'S SISTER-IN-LAW TOLD ME after she and his brother tied the knot in Fiji last year.

"Those are some powerful words," she said as we thumbed through photos of them reciting their vows on a beach. "You don't realize it until you're there, but oh my God. That is the most serious set of words you'll ever say."

I shrugged it off. I'm a writer; every set of words seems life changing.

Recently though, as I'm being pelted with wedding after wedding, I think I'm beginning to understand.

"Until death do us part?" Shit! Goddamn! WOW.

For the most serious set of words you'll ever say, you'd think more couples would opt out of the stock option. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, blah blah blah. Until death do us part…

Alternately, at a friend's May wedding, the bride and groom said: "…for all the days of my life," which sounded far less morbid and infinitely more celebratory.

My friends Christa and Phil wrote their own vows. The woman who married them spoke in a charming British accent. And even though she wrote the words, Christa had to request that the officiant read them slower so she could remember enough to repeat them.

If you choose to write your own vows, I suggest watching the wedding scene from Night at the Roxbury as an example of what not to do: No rhyming, and no conclusions that involve pre-marital fucking.

At another friend's wedding this year, the bride and groom actually included a bit about the man "leading" the marriage and the woman "serving" him. That raised a lot of liberal eyebrows at the service. I looked at Zach and shook my head as if to say "not in a million years," and he nodded knowingly.

I will write my own vows. So will Zach. It seems that the most important words you'll ever utter should be of your own creation.

There's an Emily Dickinson quote that gives me chills. Zach has a proverbial hard-on for this certain Bible passage. And no one knows him like I do; no one knows me like he does. Reciting recycled vows would be like trying to force a huge goofy awkward heart-shaped peg into a tiny square hole. Not gonna happen, folks.

Though I know what I want to say, I have no clue how to say it, and am scared shitless. It's like 20 Crabby columns and 12 term papers and five application essays to graduate school. Wish me luck.

I'm still considering ripping off the minister from The Princess Bride and swapping my "r"s with "w"s.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, will write on weddings every Saturday through June. When she's not writing for CrabbyGolightly, she's stirring things up at her cooking blog, feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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June 27, 2009

SPECTACULARLY BAD

Expect Little From Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen And Go Home Satisfied

REMEMBER EPISODE ONE OF THE ORIGINAL TRANSFORMERS cartoon? It had poor animation, lousy sound, and shoddy voicework: two of the three reasons why Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is bad.

South Park's Matt Stone and Trey Parker said it best: "Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?" A quick look at his Rotten Tomatoes profile shows that he currently scores a 7% (out of 100%). That's damn awful.

In fact, his only movie to recieve a positive review score was back in 1996 with The Rock.

Bay's first tangle with the autobots landed mixed reviews -- some people loved it; others hated it. Many reviewers agreed that the main problem was that there wasn't enough Transformer in the movie. The robots were side characters in their own film, taking the backseat to Shia LaBeouf and the walking eyecandy known as Megan Fox. (I'm told she's attractive and an actress -- but I'm not buying either of those statements.)

This new movie gives fans' more Transfomers and more screentime for mechanical monsters.

Exactly what we wanted, right? Not so fast.

The latest in the series is so dominated by the machines and their fights/transformations that the movie feels more like CG animation than live action.

Bay went overboard, delivering too much of a good thing. Way to go, Mike.

At times, the viewer is so focused on trying to figure out who is fighting whom instead of why. The whole movie is about sensory overload. It's as if Bay made the noise so relentless hoping that viewers wouldn't notice the lack of storyline; the flick should have run 90 minutes instead 149 minute. It'd be tempting to take a nap if the fight sequences weren't so loud.

I won't completely rain on Bay's parade though. Tthe visuals are spectacular and surpass those of the first movie. The lead actors do what they can with little to work with.

There is good reason to love the Transformers franchise. The original Transformers movie was a bonafide hit, and Beast Wars is among the best computer-generated cartoons of all time. But this movie fails as spectacularly as those succeeded.

While I doubt my little review will stop you from seeing one of the only summer blockbusters, maybe it will lower your hopes just enough to make the movie enjoyable.

Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

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June 26, 2009

SUSPICIOUS MINDS

JACKSON FAMILY ATTORNEY SAYS HE 'WARNED' OF MICHAEL'S 'OVERMEDICATION'

BRIAN OXMAN, A JACKSON FAMILY ATTORNEY, TOLD CBS News that he had warned family members that Michael was "overmedicated," and that he would speak out if a drug overdose was the cause of death.

"I have warned that one day Michael Jackson would wake up dead, and that I would not be silent if that was the case because of the misuse of medications,'' Oxman told Harry Smith. "I have made that statement to family members and I told them I would not be still."

Oxman then said he didn't want to "speculate" until the autopsy is complete, but that he had been suspicious of the pop star's prescription drug use for some time.

"I have warned of the use of prescription medications, and people who have enabled the use of prescription medications. If Jackson's cause of death is "as I fear, I am going to be very vocal,'' he warned.

He said that after Anna Nicole "passed away, I said one day if have this kind of a circumstance, and we too have to face this kind of tragedy, I would not be silent."

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June 25, 2009

KING OF POP DEAD

MICHAEL JACKSON DIES AT 50; WORLD REACTS; DRUGS MAY BE A FACTOR

AFTER HOURS OF SPECULATION, THE Los Angeles Times, NBC News and other news agencies reported that King of Pop Michael Jackon has died at the age of 50.

The LA Times said he was rushed to the hospital early this afternoon suffering what was believed to be a cardiac arrest.

Brian Oxman, a Jackson family attorney, said he had warned family members that Michael was "overmedicated" and that he would speak out if a drug overdose proved to be the cause of death.

"I have warned that one day Michael Jackson would wake up dead, and that I would not be silent if that were the case because of the misuse of medications,'' Oxman told CBS News.

LA Fire Dept Capt. Steve Ruda told the paper that Jackson was not breathing when they arrived at his Holmby Hills home, and that EMT workers had tried to recuscitate him on the way to the hospital.

TMZ was the first to report that Jackson had passed away. News sources originally reported that Jackson was in a coma and that family members were rushing to his side.

The death of the musical legend -- hailed for his musical genius but derided for his odd behavior -- dominated news coverage Thursday afternoon.

"As someone who served as Michael Jackson's publicist during the first child molestation incident, I must confess I am not surprised by today's tragic news,"' Michael Levine told TMZ. "Michael has been on an impossibly difficult and often self-destructive journey for years. His talent was unquestionable but so too was his discomfort with the norms of the world. A human simply can not withstand this level of prolonged stress."'

Musical producer Quincy Jones, who worked with Jackson on a movie based on the Broadway production,f The Wiz, released a statement saying, "I've lost my little brother today, and part of my soul has gone with him."

The paparazzi-owned website X17online reported that Jackson's death is being investigated as a possible drug overdose.

Here are relevant links:

TMZ broke the news about Michael's death and is the go-to source on the story.

The Los Angeles Times reports that Jackson was found in a coma.

X17online reports that Jackson's death is being investigated as a possible drug overdose.

Yahoo's The Starting Point Twitters live from outside the hospital where Jackson is taken.

Entertainment Weekly published a succinct obituary.

MSNBC has a piece on the pop star's "lasting and conflicting legacy."

Jermaine Jackson announces Michael's death at a Thursday afternoon press conference.

The Washington Post compiles quotes from notables on Michael's death.

WonderWall has celebrities' reactions to the news on Twitter.

Wikipedia has a comprehensive biography of Jackson's life.

Wikipedia's entry on The Jackson Five.

Jackson's professional milestones are so extensive that Wikipedia also has a page detailing his records and achievements.

The original Thriller video on YouTube, which as of 6:55 p.m. June 25 Central Time had been viewed 37,086,255 times.

Julien's Auctions has a five catalogue boxed collection of Jackson's belongings that were scheduled to be auctioned off last April. The auction was cancelled a week before the sale was scheduled to take place.

Michael Jackson's official website.

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TIMELESS, AGELESS

Favorite 'Angel' Farrah Fawcett Succumbs to Cancer, Lives Forever On YouTube

SHE WAS THE BLONDE BOMBSHELL WHO CATAPULTED TO FAME ON CHARLIE'S ANGELS. She left after one season because the public's appetite grew larger than her paycheck from the TV show.

She was the Megan Fox of the moment -- gorgeous and dippy and flirty -- whose all-American good looks help sell as many as 12 million posters of her bedecked in a bathing suit.

Farrah, born in Texas, was barely paid attention to as an actress until she appeared in the made-for-TV movie, The Burning Bed.

Wikipedia gives a succinct summary of her life and her death today at age 62 of cancer.

"I will miss Farrah every day," former Angels' co-star Kate Jackson told People. "She was a selfless person who loved her family and friends with all her heart, and what a big heart it was."

But it's on YouTubewhere Farrah will remain forever young: alive and well and gorgeous.

Before reaching the heights of her fame in 1976, Farrah sold Noxema and Mercury Cougar and toothpaste and even her own brand of shampoo. The tagline for that one? "Something beautiful happens to your hair."

That's the blessing -- and the curse -- of pictures and video: They make it too easy to forget that eventually we all die.

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SHE'S NOT AFRAID TO USE IT

MEGAN FOX SPEAKS

She Has A Mouth And She's Not Afraid To Use It

WE ARE SHOWING THIS TOTALLY GRATUITOUS VIDEO TODAY BECAUSE WE HAVE NOTHING TO SAY AND MEGAN FOX'S IN THE NEWS. And here's the bonus: You get to hear her talk!

It's shocking to hear a beautiful woman's voice when you only see her image on video and hear her through the printed word.

I remember hearing Princess Diana speak over the airwaves for the first time. I was like, oh my God, she speaks! I can't explain my very odd reaction; maybe she was supposed to stay a fairytale.

Megan's voice sounds just how you think a coquette would sound. Isn't she adorable?And she's a feminist too! She's got it all going for her.

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June 24, 2009

FAMILY MATTERS

Family On Four Paws

I HEARD A STORY IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY ABOUT THIS LITTLE GIRL WHOSE DAD BECAME PRESIDENT.

It was the day after the election. The little girl goes to school, sees a friend, and shouts, "Guess what!"

The friend thinks, duh: "Your father is the president?"

"No," the little girl exclaims, "We're getting a dog!"

Such is the importance of a pet to family: It trumps your father winning the presidency.

Once again, this fact is illustrated by an Associated Press poll that found that "half of all American pet owners consider their pets as much a part of the family as any other person in the household; another 36 percent said their pet is part of the family but not a full member."

Pet love has even budged bureaucrats: In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina the federal government changed its policy to allow pets to be evacuated from disaster areas. During that devastating hurricane, many people had refused to leave their homes because pets were not allowed along for the ride, and those who did leave them often lost them to death.

It always amazes me when the clueless say that animals don't feel. For chrissakes, don't these people have eyes? Haven't they seen the pain in abandoned dogs' eyes, read the stories about cows escaping from the slaughterhouses, seen video of the great ape moving an injured boy to safety? (And don't refute that's what the ape was doing.)

Do me a favor and stick up for the animals.

My own personal pet history? I was a precocious cat lady, collecting a menagerie while in college and keeping almost all until old age and disease took its toll. Now their ashes sit in tin urns in what I amusingly call my "gallery of dead pets." (A word from the wiser: reconsider having your first pet cremated; if you do it for one you'll feel you have to do it for them all.)

Currently there's a respectable three felines included in my immediate family. I wouldn't trade them for wealth or fame.

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WHAT TO DO

Jon & Kate: They Had So Many Children They Didn't Know What To Do

OH, CRUEL FATE! The fairytale has turned into a nightmare.

You grant an ordinary couple their deepest wish: to create little children in their own images.

You deliver in spades, bestowing not one, not two, not three, but four, five, six, seven, EIGHT CHILDREN!

Multiply $10,867 times four, times eight and you get $347,744, the projected college costs in today's dollars for all kids at a instate public college.

That's assuming they'll make it to college, that you'll have enough formula and diapers and clothing and time to deliver them to adulthood whole.

Through some freak luck, TV producers are looking for parents of "multiples" births. You are a decently presentable couple living in small-town America, a "relatable" couple as producers like to say. You discover that they'll pay you to go on TV -- astronomical amounts that you could only dream about actually making through real work.

The deal is inked, and every stinky diaper, every burp, every frustration is fed to the world.

Fast forward five years later and the cracks in your relationship are gaping holes. Now you're tabloid fodder and -- suprise! -- your husband is caught publicly sneaking around with a younger woman. Then some paparazzi catches you spanking a wee one, and you become the mean ugly witch in the story.

Now comes the dreaded D word and -- oh no! -- hiatus for your reality TV show. Seems it all has become a little too real for the television cameras.

Will Jon move to New York? Where will Kate live? Will they be able to keep their expensive house, the lux lifestyle, the help? And who will clothe, feed, discipline the children?

We checked the housing market in case the Gosselins are forced to downsize. Haven't they heard what happens when couples divorce?

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June 23, 2009

BAILING

Snif, Snif, Chirp. Twitterers React To Jon & Kate's Divorce

HEARTS ARE BREAKING OVER JON & KATE'S CONFIRMED SPLIT, and Twitter is where the mourners went last night seeking solace.

"Jon & Kate'' became the "trending topic" before the night was out.

Sentiments were spilling onto the site 140 characters rapidfire. In between the five hours I slept, more than 4,000 Twitterers had shared their insights in real time, and often sans punctuation and correct spelling. A sampling:

diegocan: Jon and Kate fill for divorce on national television.

cayers131: Gee, Jon & Kate, who could have imagined that putting your personal life on TV would cause problems? In other news, water is wet."

Ashley2004: Im just so UPSET about Jon and Kate!

CouponPro: @mitchenglish siding with John. After all, who could live with Kate. Too bad for the kids, but he's done his Time.

Ben_AlperOLOB: The split-up of Jon & Kate raises a very important question: Should couples stay together for the sake of the ratings?

christiemont: Jon and Kate: Easy decision. each of them gets 4 kids. Sounds simple enough to me!

pfauzia: so it's gonna be Jon MINUS Kate plus 8?? why Gosselin couple, why?? http://bit.ly/h9uua

SweetDommi: RT @davidlpatrick @cecilyjamelia Sad abt Jon & Kate. I'd be pissed if I had 8 babies.Trust that we'd stay married til the bitter END! *amen*

bassgoddess: @foxandfriends Jon & Kate show should be cancelled, but TLC is making too much money off them ..... so more misery .... don't tune in !!

JuStMeAgAiN2009: @SpacedHaitian dont hate on jon and kate. i love them and their kids are too cute. i have watched them since the beginning

mbclarkie: So funny!!! RT: I think the last episode of "Jon and Kate" should be their children eating them. (via @dpressman)

christiemont: Jon and Kate: Easy decision. each of them gets 4 kids. Sounds simple enough to me!

SaraDuane: I don't usually swear in my Twitter stream, but the actions of some people warrant it sometimes: Fuck Jon & Kate - I feel sorry for their +8

chirpme: @WillsAndSnyder Guess the Gosslin got caught up in the money, fame and notoriety. Stand by as Kate has a breakdown. Who would blame her

RuthBerry: I just cancelled my TiVo season pass for Jon & Kate + 8. So sad. I cannot watch the train wreck. Poor babies. :-(

Applefritt3r:Going to Lancaster abd feeling bad for Jon and Kate and thier 8. Media needs to stop medling. I am talking to you TMZ

thejoelstein: Call me a dreamer, but I think a ninth kid could save that marriage

g_literati: Is there any marriage/relationship that survived reality TV? Jon & Kate was no exception...

hhbarnes:So are they going to change the name of the show to "Jon OR Kate plus 8"?

hugheskevin: My generation had Carol Brady. This one has Kate Gosselin. I feel sorry for all of you

troygoldman:doesn't want to pick sides with Jon&Kate. But I will if it will get them off my television.

CatWhelan:not sure what it was but the whole time i was watching jon&kate last night i wanted to punch jon in the face

JessMily: i wonder if Dr Phil will try to stick his big nose in Jon and Kate life to get some ratings http://bit.ly/zULoj

fuggirls:You know what, Jon and Kate? You're BOTH repellent and I wish I'd never heard of you. -- H

ohmyalex:Oh, Masters of Child Exploitation, Jon and Kate, why are you on the cover of every tabloid? When did reality tv become gossip worthy?

Had enough? It goes on like this for hours!

We now know that America does indeed care about divorce, especially when it's televised.

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DUMB AND DUMBER

The New York Times Uncovers Oddities Of Competing Obsessions

EVEN THE COLLECTIVE WIT AND WISDOM OF THE MIGHTY NEW YORK TIMES is sometimes questionable, two recent examples being that it withheld news that one of its reporters had been kidnapped, and the publishing of an op-ed June 16th that Iran's"uprising is little more than a symbolic protest."

But we can forgive the Gray Lady for her occasional dottiness when so much of what she does is so good. Case in point: Today's feature on two Cincinnati museums that are the result of separate but equally compelling obsessions.

First is the Vent Haven Museum, a dummy museum whose "unsettling amazement is unremitting," according to reporter Edward Rothstein.

Also, just a few miles away, is the American Sign Museum, where "about 200 are displayed, lighted and unlighted, each a compressed call for attention,'' Rothstein writes.

Together, the story and photos are sublime and evoke twinges for a "road trip."

It reminds me to be tolerant of the idiosyncrasies of our occasionally daffy elders. After all, we never really know how much longer they'll be around.

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June 22, 2009

BILE IN SHORT

Monday's Tabloid Trash Talk

Brit Hooks Up With Only Man Allowed Near Her! Stephanie Pratt Shares Diet Secrets! And Kirstie Alley Falls For Hostess Cupcakes

OKAY CATS AND KITTENS, HERE'S A QUICK RUNDOWN OF THIS WEEK'S TABLOID HEADLINES. Sorry it's not longer but I'm outta here for a few days. I travel. So what? I'm a popular girl!

This week the National Enquirer has the un-shocking and unflattering photos of Fat Kirstie Alley. The headline says that she collapsed because of her weight but there's no collapse in the story. That doesn't make her less fat though. She is uncomfortably large, especially in comparison to her "then" photo in which she looks more like Renee Russo than even her Cheers-y glamorous self. Personally, I prefer my Kirstie Alley in Vulcan ears but that's probably just me.

So, the lady likes to eat. Big deal. Well, BIG deal is more like it. Here are the foods mentioned as some of Alley's favorites:

* Sticky buns;
* Cheesecake;
* Pan-fried noodles;
* Orange chicken;
* Fried rice;
* Potato chips;
* Hostess cupcakes.

Mmmmmh is anyone else hungry? So now she's fat AND sad, but still really funny, even at her own expense. Isn't there a role for the funny, fat friend that Queen Latifa or Frangela hasn't taken yet?

On the other end of the body issue spectrum we have Stephanie Pratt on the cover of US. She claims that being on The Hills made her bulimic. That's sorta funny because watching The Hills makes me vomit! Stars, they really are just like us!

According to the article, the pressure of being renowned as She-Pratt (being the sister of Spencer "King of the Douchebags" Pratt) was just too much for Stephanie so she decided to drop weight like every other girl in LA, binging and purging!

Looking at this photo of her with the other Hills girls I can see how she might feel like a giant heifer next to these twigs. But I have absolutely no pity for Stephanie who, when told by a psychiatrist that she should leave the show for her mental health, refused because she loves The Hills! What is there to love? Not a single, genuine moment happens on that show. Do I smell a setup for an intervention cross over????

Speaking of interventions, Britney Spears is heading down the wedding aisle again. Or, so says Star Magazine. Despite her dad's tight leash -- or maybe because of it? -- Britney has made a love connection with her agent! The 27-year-old pop star and Jason Trawick, 37, have been doing things like frolicking on the beach, going to basketball games and hanging out in Las Vegas. Oh, and also he's part of her management team.

Well, he looks a little less like a scumbag then her last two husbands did and, according to the article, he’s already agreed to sign a pre-nuptial agreement so he can't be all that bad. But, if his idea of parenting is limited to "making [the boys] peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and ice cream sundaes" those kids do not stand a Hostess Sno Ball’s chance in Kristie Alley's fridge of making it out of childhood. As always with Brit-Brit, only time will tell where the story line is going, but she's already planning her "fairy tale" wedding with this guy. How many fairy tales is she gonna get anyway?

OK! is still trying to make us care about Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson. There is absolutely nothing new about how the two Twilight stars are pining for each other as they spend their summer a part working on separate projects. Text messages, mysterious phone calls at all hours…no one knows if they are calling each other -- but who cares! The only noteworthy information in here is that Dakota Fanning is dived into this whole mess by unofficially declaring herself for Team Rob. Sorry, long time boyfriend Michael Angarano, but everyone's favorite precocious child star thinks Kristin would be better off with "funny" Rob. Take a hike.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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June 21, 2009

IDOL WANNABES

With Starry Eyes, Hundreds Descend On Chicago For Chance At Idol Fame

ROCKY PATERRA, 17, OF PITTSBURGH, ARRIVED IN CHICAGO SATURDAY HOPING THAT HIS THIRD TIME AUDITIONING FOR American Idol is the charm.

Paterra, accompanied by his mom and two friends, left home at 6:30 am and drove 450 miles to compete against thousands in Monday's Idol auditions at the United Center in Chicago's West Loop. "I heard it was crazy," said a security guard sweating under the hot afternoon sun outside the United Center.

Registration is open 24 hours until 5 a.m. Monday when contestants begin arriving for auditions. Many registrants were exclaiming their excitement on American Idol's comment board.

Paterra, an Upper St. Clair High School senior who soloed with composer Marvin Hamlisch as a child, hopes to break through to the second round of auditions this year. Last year he tried out at New Jersey's Meadowlands auditions, where he was asked to sing three times.

"He called another guy over to listen to me," Rocky recalled of the producer. The two exchanged whispers, then Rocky was summarily dismissed. "It was not a good moment,'' he said, confessing that it hurt to watch the last Idol auditions .

This year is different, he said.

"I think I’m more prepared. I made sure I knew exactly what I was singing, how I was singing it.”

Along for the ride are friends Ariel Allen-Troski, 16, and Thomas Countz, 17, both of whom said 'why not?' to their own auditions Monday. "We were just going to come to support Rocky,'' said Thomas, who was still unsure what song he would sing. The three rising seniors have performed in stage performances during the last two summers. With a little bit of arm-twisting, all three were persuaded to give a stranger a sample of their vocals. While both Rocky and Ariel had their songs chosen, Thomas was still undecided. And while none said they had planned on what to wear, Ariel acknowledged the pressure on women contestants "to be really pretty or really sexy.’’

Also signing up was Jsaron Jones, 18, of Chicago's Austin neighborhood. Jones, who won a local singing contest just one week ago, was planning on singing Stevie Wonder's Ribbon In The Sky.

"When they started, I had already aged out," said Jsaron's mom, Ashunda Harris. "So I’m happy he’s going."

Ms. Harris, 37, said she had been singing since she was a child. "My father was a singer so it's kind of trickled down.''

She said she was glad her son had found his voice, but felt that the show's age requirement should be broader as they are on Britain's Got Talent. "I really hate that they have any age limit,'' she said. "I think the same age criteria should apply."

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June 20, 2009

THE WEDDING SEASON

A Wedding's Real 'Best Man': The Bride's Dad

ONE OF THE MANY THINGS THAT ACTIVATE my tear-ducts about weddings is the Dad factor.

It kills me. It doesn't matter if it's my friend Christa and her ol' man Tim or just some random peeps on TV. I've been to assorted weddings of people I don't know too well, and still the Dad factor gets me err'time.

I struggle with this feeling because a part of me finds it inherently anti-feminist. But I am also somewhat of a sucker for tradition, and every fatherly gesture propels me into a blubbery mess of emotion.

Until it happened to me, I didn't value the "asking of approval" step. It's pretty bizarre when the bride is an adult and two men discuss her fate, mono y mono. Creepy!

Zach's approach, leaning toward my dad at a concert: "So, I, uh bought your daughter a big-ass engagement ring." (Can you guess his astrological sign? Yeah, Taurus.) My dad: "Is that so? When are you gonna give it to her?"

Zach, growing nervous: "Well, uh, um, well, this, uh, weekend, um, pending your, uh, approval. Sir."

Dad: "We like you. Our family likes you. Wait 'til she's graduated to get married." Score.

Another troubling tradition is "giving away" the bride. Though, I gotta say, it's soul-crushingly touching.

If feeling particularly sentimental, I’d eat that shit for breakfast and wash it down with a Meg Ryan movie. Just yesterday, at Christa's rehearsal dinner, the other bridesmaids and I were losin' it when ol’ Tim walked her down the aisle. At the rehearsal.

When I get married, both of my parents will walk me down. But to each her own, and beautiful Christa and her (ahem, super super handsome) father looked perfect in the aisle. Don’t even get me started on the dance.

A girl's father is the first man she'll ever love. I still think that my dad is the most handsome man on the face of the planet. Though some wedding traditions don't jibe with current ideas of a 'feminist,' any homage to dad during a wedding is homage to a bride's first love.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, will write on weddings every Saturday through June. When she's not writing for CrabbyGolightly, she's stirring things up at her cooking blog, feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN

Friday Night Flashback: Berlin Wall Falls

AS IRAN TEETERS ON THE BRINK, IT'S FITTING TO REMEMBER THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL IN 1989.

The barbed wire and concrete structure went up in 1961 and was a worldwide symbol of the tyranny imposed by the U.S.S. R. on Eastern Europe.

During the next three decades, three uprisings against the Communist dictatorship -- in East Berlin in 1953, Budapest in 1956, Prague in 1968 -- sought to topple the Soviet Union's government.

It took Mikhail Gorbachov's rise to power, aided by the internal collapse of the Soviet financial and industrial systems, to bring change in the mid-1980s. The Berlin Wall came down in 1989 after mass demonstrations forced East Germany's head of state Erich Honecker to resign.

Then, according to published reports, "at 06.53 pm on November 9, 1989 a member of the new East German government was asked at a press conference when the new East German travel law comes into force. He answered: "Well, as far as I can see, ... straightaway, immediately. Thousands of East Berliners went to the border crossings. At Bornholmer Strasse the people demanded to open the border and at 10.30 pm the border was opened there."

Some idealogues conveniently credit Ronald Reagan for the wall's demise. But doing so dismisses the will of Eastern Europeans hungry for freedom at any price, and who brought the walls "come tumbling down".

Now the world watches as another wall comes down, even if it's one that exists only in the mind.

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June 19, 2009

REAL TALK

Reality TV Stew: New Jersey's Housewives Goes Out With A Bang; Yes, Operation Repo Is Fake

TALK ABOUT HOUSEWHORES OF NEW JERSEY. Fuck up my dinner party, bitch, and your ass is mine. I can talk about "swallowing," sore vages and bubbie jobs but you keep your sordid skeletons in that skeletal body of yours. And Teresa is right. But Danielle still walked into the lion's den clothed in a meat thong.

Despite the obvious set-up of the table-tossing finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey, the emotions were real. Especially on the faces of Danielle's beautiful daughters.

If she learns nothing else after watching this episode I hope that it's her daughters are not her girlfriends. If she wants girlfriends go out and get some. You can ask your kids if you should wear your hair up or down but don't show them "eye-popping" photos, if your daughters' eye-popping at your modeling photos was any indication. Or promise them that your one-night-stands will still keep in touch. That's creepy.

I see box covers calling women whores everyday in my job so I really don't like to add to the situation. But…more than the "PROSTITUTION WHORE!" epitaph Teresa laid into Danielle, I'd also like to add "SELFISH ATTENTION WHORE!"

Danielle's basically a shit-starter. Right up there with her nemesis, Dina. Why the hell does Danielle want to be friends with these people? Just be friends with Jacqueline and leave the rest to hell. But I think she wants to BE Dina. Dina's life is as perfect as hers is imperfect. She shouldn't have had anything to do with Dina and Caroline as soon as she found out that they were trashing her around town.

But if she really had to have her feelings hurt she could've invited Dina to lunch and pulled out "the book." This was Teresa's housewarming (although not at the house, at a restaurant. Whassup with that?), with kids and snickering teenagers. Not the place, not the time.

Did it disturb me enough to not to watch the second helping? Nah, and I had a lot of company: the finale drew 4.6 million viewers Tuesday, delivering the largest audience in either cable or broadcast in the 18-49 adult demographic. And nex time, I’ll be right there. Probably won't find out anything new though. For that we’ll have to wait for the reunion next week. I hear there'll be ass kicking.


TruTV’s motto is Not Reality. Actuality. Well, that's not necessarily true.

There are not many TV shows my husband and I watch together; I like reality and he likes action.

But we both delight in the antics on Tru TV's Operation Repo.” The title explains it all. You supposedly get to witness real live repo action where the owners pitch all kinds of fits. One breaks the windows on his truck, another sets his ride aflame. And then there's the colorful family.

The business is owned by Lou who employs his sister Sonia and her ex-husband Froy. His daughter Lyndah also works for him along with a tattooed, muscle-bound, hot-headed hunk named Matt. They all take turns narrating the action.

I know that most reality shows are minimally scripted or at least outlined somewhat. And the acting is pretty bad. Then I saw in the credits that the show's confrontations were "re-enactments." And, since he doesn't watch a lot of reality, my husband believed what he saw. We debated it a bit and then dropped it.

But then I went on the internet and found that many, many people seem to be outraged that the show is fake. Others deride their naivete. There were 3,210,000 Bing results on "operation repo fake."

Goodness, people, it’s just a TV show.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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BOSS' EDICT: WEAR UNDERPANTS

Florida City To Employees: Wear Undies And Deodorant Or Else

AT LEAST THESE WORKERS WON'T BE EMBARRASSED IF THEY GET IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE JOB.

An example of government gone batty: The city council in Brooksville has passed a dress code requiring employees to, among other things, wear underwear and apply deodorant. The dress code also forbids exposed underwear, "sexually provocative" clothing and body piercings other than on the ears.

The city council passed the measure by a vote of 4 to 1, according to the Associated Press.

The opposing vote was cast by the mayor who said that requiring underwear "takes away freedom of choice."

My question: Who's going to do the enforcing? Will the ridiculous law prompt a lawsuit, bringing new meaning to term "legal briefs?"

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June 18, 2009

WHATEVER

Larry David Delivers His Shtick To The Big Screen

COMIC LARRY DAVID TEAMS up with Woody Allen in the upcoming movie, Whatever Works, about a misanthropic New Yorker who literally stumbles over love.

The film's take home message? "Anyway you can, filch a little happiness."

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UNDERACHIEVER

Megan Fox Gets Stupid Ugly, Proves She's No Angelina

AS THE DAYS COUNT DOWN TO THE MUCH BALLYHOOED JUNE 24TH RELEASE OF Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the buzz is all about sexpot Megan Fox and whether she's the next Angelina.

There's the media created "war" between Fox and long-reigning vixen Jolie as the younger starlet is whispered to be Jolie's replacement in the Tomb Raider series.

There's side-by-side photographic comparisons of the two beauty A-listers.

There's even online guessing games comparing leggy red carpet styles -- all of which Fox dismisses in a recent Entertainment Weekly interview.

"Because I have tattoos and dark hair and I was in an action movie? That's as far as the similarities extend," she pooh-poohs. "I'm not the next anyone. I'm sure she has no idea who I am."

Then Megan lets her Freudian slip show by adding, "But if I were her, I'd be like, "Who the f--- is this little bulls--- brat who was in Transformers that's going to be the next me?"

The EW interview makes crystal clear that Megan is no Angelina, as she's barely seems to care if she's considered an actress.

"I can't s--- on (Transformers) because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."

Brilliant, Megan! We didn't notice that the movie was about explosions and boobs.

The starlet muses that "one day I could be a very good actress. But so far, I haven't done anything yet." In the meantime, she's happy as sex object for hire.

"It doesn't bother me," she says. "I don't know why someone would complain about that. That just means that the bar has been set pretty low. People don't expect me to do anything that's worth watching. So I can only be an overachiever.

"I think all women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols," she continues. "That's what our purpose is in this business. You're merchandised, you're a product. You're sold and it's based on sex. But that's okay. I think women should be empowered by that, not degraded."

Oh Megan, you silly little tool. As vain as Angelina is, she has more depth in her baby toe than you do you in your entire smokin' bod.

Here's our advice: marry early and well because the path you are on leads straight to the jungle of I'm A Celebrity…
Get Me Out Of Here! with you in the role of Janice Dickinson. And that isn't very pretty.

Oh, one final thought: Keep your hands off Brad! Or Ang will
eat you alive.

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MAKE-BELIEVE

Geeks Create Make-Believe World Where Megan Fox Would Be Interested In Them

OH, BOYS AND THEIR GAMES.

Here's one where they get to make a robotic Megan Fox even hotter than the real one.

Even more ridiculous is the assumption that one of them could win her.

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June 17, 2009

TWO CAN PLAY THIS GAME

Mariah Carey Taunts Eminem On Her New Single 'Obsessed'

WOW. WHEN MARIAH CAREY MAKES A SONG DISSING your obsession with her, I think you've just lost all street credibility.

Mariah's firing back after Eminem's restraining-order worthy lyrics concerning his way-defunct "relationship" with Mariah on Relapse's Bagpipes from Baghdad.

In the song from his first album in four years, Em tells Carey's hubby Nick Cannon that he "better "back the f*ck up, I"m not playing, I want her back you punk."

Now Mariah turns up the heat in her new single Obsessed that she previewed on her website today at 4pm Eastern.

In the catchy song, Carey sings about a delusional suitor who's upset with her and is lying about numerous things including "sexing her."

Carey gets various barbs in, calling the rapper a "mom and pop" operation compared to her "corporation," and taunts that even if he was the "last man on earth, still couldn't get this."

Mariah also blames the boy's delusions on drug use. "You're delusional, boy, you're losing your mind," Carey sings. "It must be weed, it must be the E…Why are you so obsessed with me? Lying that you're sexing me."

Ouch. Is anyone else ROTFLMAO?

Shakenya Jackson boasts she is among Chicago's finest writers. She enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

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June 16, 2009

STILL GOAT?

Is Eminem's Stale 'Relapse' Just A Ploy?

CONTROVERSY FOLLOWS EMINEM WHEREVER HE GOES. The only blue-eyed emcee in the crowd, he continues to dominate hip-hop charts and crowds with lyrics filled with mockery, humor and venom.

"Who got the rubbers?," he asks on Relapse, Billboard's number one album and Em's first release in four years. I'm not sure if any other artist can so naturally pose that question and get away with it.

Yet this time out, I'm not sure Eminem gets away with it. Though his signature verbal dexterity and "don't give a f*ck' attitude remain evident, there's nothing surprising or fresh on Relapse, making some wonder if Eminem is still relevant.

The album follows Marshall Mathers' second divorce from convenient target Kim, the adoption of a second daughter, a stint in rehap for the "hillbilly heroin" Vicodin and the murder of his best friend.

And though he takes the usual jabs at his mom and ex, and reveals the drug abuse, missing is the emotionally raw reaction that we expect him to deliver abut such milestones.

The album's general rhythm is the same as it ever was; only Ludacris sounds the same on every track as Em does here. And though I was slightly disgusted by his molestation material, Insane, neither was I shocked or amused.

You expect Shady to say off-the-wall stuff. But after four years away, you expect the "bad angel who produces great art" to sound refreshed or revived. You can only hear so much about pain-killers, abusive mothers, and the stars he's bagged before even Eminem starts to sound redundant.

But it's not like he didn't warn us. Some online news sources claim the album's title has a double entendre: it's also about Shady "relapsing" back into the mode of his first albums. That's 100% accurate as far as I'm concerned, as the damn thing sounds exactly like his last two albums with no growth. In the burgeoning field of hip-hop where things are moving and shaking, and artists are reinventing the wheel by self-marketing as well as creating their own brand, Eminem came back the same.

The staleness has led the website Giant to suppose that Relapse is part promotional ploy, and that Em's second promised release later this year will be the Detox.

"Maybe we're just conspiracy theorists, but we can't believe that one of rap's GOATs would return just to rant and rave," the site hypothesizes. "We know that Eminem is doper than this and have a suspicion that his marketing genius is about to be revealed too."

Until I get proof that Giant's conspiracy theory is true, I'm passing on Em's next one.

Shakenya Jackson boasts she is among Chicago's finest writers. She enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

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RUMBLINGS IN LA LA LAND

Tabloid Trash Talk

Are Angelina And Oprah Dangerously Close To Their Expiration Dates? Plus, Robert Pattison Gives Kristen Stewart 'Ultimatum'

OH IT IS ON, PEOPLE. THIS WEEK IS ALL ABOUT THE FEUDS. What would Hollywood be without all of the infighting and the stabbing in the back with stiletto heels?

The Queen of Celebrity Feuds Angelina Jolie kicks off the cavalcade with the ongoing angst in her relationship with Brad Pitt. It's the same old story in InTouch. They're fighting over his renewed attentions to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, and he may or may not have permanently moved out of their shared New York home. She looks stressed out and tired. He's been enjoying himself just a little too much while in Los Angeles prepping to film a new movie yadda, yadda, yadda. Who the hell knows with these two? People magazine is reporting that rumors of their impending split may be seriously blown out of proportion.

And in "Other Hot Celebrities vs. Angelina" news, Megan Fox is the new thorn in her side. Having just reached her 34th birthday, Jolie's star seems to be fading while Megan's career is white hot with the soon-to-be released presumed summer blockbuster, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

According to Life & Style, Megan is giving Angelina a run for her money -- and roles! Hollywood producer Dan Lin is planning a third installment of the Tomb Raider series and has Fox in mind as the lead. The plan is that Megan plays a younger, hotter version of the Lara Croft character that Angie made into a fan-boy fave. Life & Style’s sources say that the Transformers’ hottie is sending Angie into panic mode and their photo spread reveals the ways the celebrity mom has thrown herself into overdrive. She has amped up her vamp on the red carpet and proves she's still got "it" on the set of her new espionage thriller Salt, where she’s been doing many of her own stunts despite some minor injuries that sent her to the hospital.

Angie might be right to worry. On Esquire's June cover Megan's a dead ringer for Angelina during her risqué sex pot days. Celebrity is a vicious cycle and no matter what she does, Angelina's star might be on the wane while Megan's is on the rise. But note to Megan: it won't be long before you too find yourself staring "old" in the eye at 34.

Robert Pattinson is riding the A-list roller coaster with his first celebrity feud. OK, it’s more of a B-list feud, but it’s all so romantic! Tired of being strung along like a lovesick puppy, OK reports that Pattinson has apparently thrown down the gauntlet, demanding that his costar and possible paramour Kristen Stewart chose between him and her longtime boyfriend Michael Angarano. Rumors of an off- screen romance between the two have been circulating since the first
Twilight movie was released last year.

And according to OK, there’s a love triangle of "Brangelinian proportions" brewing during the sequel's filming. Now Pattinson has given her an ultimatum: Before the cast reconvenes to film the third Twilightmovie she needs to dump the beau or leave him alone! Yeah I’m sure that won’t affect filming at all. Stay tuned over the summer for awkward run-ins at Hollywood hot spots and pistols at dawn between these two Romeos.

Finally we have the Hostess with the Mostest: Oprah versus The World! The National Enquirer reports that a recent story in Newsweek has Oprah raging at her Harpo production team. The news magazine ran a story debunking the “expert advice” dispensed on O’s talk show. Shocking to no one but The Queen of TV herself, some of her advice is crackpot! Some of the theories espoused on Oprah’s show -- by both whack celebrities and degreed doctors -- are half baked at best, according to both Newsweek and the Enquirer. For God’s sake, if you took all the biohormones and supplements that Suzanne Somers does, you might find yourself in a drooling coma on your kitchen floor.

And O has rewarded Jenny McCarthy, and her theories on the unproven connection between autism and childhood immunizations, with her very own talk show. That should be air-worthy. And don’t even get me started on Dr. Christiane Northrup, who thinks you can cure yourself of cancer by eating healthier.

Yet Oprah insists on singing the praises of her expert guests in her magazine, on her TV show and across the spectrum of her multimedia kingdom. She says that she never intended for people to take her advice over the advice of their own doctors but -- give me a break lady. When you say “jump” half of America doesn’t even bother asking “how high” before they plant themselves head first into their living room ceilings. She can claim good will and peace towards man all she wants. But she and her production staff know that the money is in getting people to trust Oprah – to know what books to read, what foods not to eat, which scented candles to burn and what brand of chocolate covered strawberries to indulge on.

Could this be the end of the Live Your Best Life era? Are we on the verge of a full blown Oprah backlash? How delicious! America, I urge you to go back to your libraries, produce departments and doctors. Stop taking advice from the idiot box and the idiots who run it.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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June 15, 2009

REVOLUTION

Tumult In Iran After Election

THE WORLD WATCHES THE TUMULT IN IRAN and awaits the outcome.

It's true that the next revolution will be televised, and now, Twittered.

Nothing's more invigorating than witnessing the indomitable human spirit assert itself against fraud and tyranny.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may remain in power in the short term, but we are witnessing the beginning of Iran's political transformation.

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June 14, 2009

TOUGH LOVE

Who Says Gamers Can't Cry? Recalling The Tearjerkers Among Classic Games

I WAS RAISED ON BITS AND PIXELS WHILE OTHER KIDS were raised on baseball and playdates.

I got my first video game console was when I was five -- it was the original Nintendo. My best friends were Mega Man and Donkey Kong.

As I grew older, my love for gaming grew deeper. I leveled up from an NES to a Game Boy and Super Nintendo. I would hide my Game Boy under my textbooks during class and play Kirby's Dream Land, then go home and pop Final Fantasy into my home console and play the night away.

And though video games aren't known for wringing emotional responses out of players -- the heartwrenching is there, folks.

Gamers won't get teary recalling Mario rescuing Paulina at the end of Donkey Kong, and QBert certainly won't win any awards for best drama.

But I remember the first time I shed a tear over a pixelated character. It was while playing Chrono Trigger on Super Nintendo. I was time-traveling to save the future from an alien parasite that had burrowed into the planet’s crust hundreds of years earlier. As the alien prepares its final attack, my character – whom up until now I controlled through the entire game -- jumps in front of the blast and is blown to smithereens. I was stunned.

Super Nintendo also throws great drama at players. Take Final Fantasy 6 for example: You're stranded on a deserted island with a father figure whom you watch die a slow, painful death; you're forced to leave a friend die so that you can survive. And I can't forget the legendary “opera” scene, one of the most famous sequences in video game history. Experience it here with a re-done audio track featuring actual opera singers.

Here's that scene's context: The young aria singer is a really a magic knight known as General Celes who lures a sky pirate to her in hopes of stealing his ship. But you don’t just watch the 20-minute scene -- you actually perform the opera, read the script, choose the correct lines. While this scene might not be epic by today's standards, it was groundbreaking when it was first released and left players literally breathless.

Final Fantasy also pulls no emotional punches. Final Fantasy 4 forces you to see virtual friends getting killed in brutal fashion, with an entire village of civilians being tricked into slaughter. And we can't forget the scene that crippled most gamers’ hearts: The death of Aerith from Final Fantasy 7. You spent hours protecting her only to witness a mad man drop from the sky and impale her. Gamers around the world burst into tears seeing her slump down. I remember sitting in my room stunned trying to understand what I had just witnessed. Never before had a movie, or TV show, or even a book left me that dumbfounded.

I wasn't angry that the developers murdered such a sweet character. It worked for the story and I continued to play the game. To this day I still play through Final Fantasy 7 and feel the same way I did during my first playthrough. Few movies can elicit that sort of response from me.

Among the current generation of games, Lost Odyssey for Xbox 360 is especially emotionally evocative, based around an immortal man who's lost his memories and his ability to feel happiness and love. But as the game ends, the depressed warrior remembers his past through dreams. The first of these is called Hannah's Departure, and if you aren't crying by the end of it then consider yourself dead on the inside. The tale is so bittersweet and allows you to completely empathize with the main character. Most Hollywood producers would kill to get that kind of emotional response out of its viewers.

Emotional moments aren’t limited to role-playing games. The entire video game spectrum has moments that provoke raw emotions: the amazing "nuke explosion" in Call Of Duty 4; your partner's ultimate sacrifice in Prince of Persia. And for a real taste of fear, watch Fatal Frame for the PS2 with the lights off and the volume maxed out. I have never seen a movie that scary.

To make this long story shorter, I'll come to my point: Video games get a bad rap in part because their main audience happens to be socially awkward. Movies and TV often wring emotion from their audiences, but they just don't haunt you the way some of these classic game scenes do.

Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included

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THE WEDDING SEASON

A Bride's Guide To Wedding Guides

SCREEN SIREN MEGAN FOX RECENTLY CONFIDED TO THE WORLD THAT SHE IS "not the marrying type.

"I know people will say, 'Why are you engaged if you're not the marrying type?' I am impulsive and I love my boyfriend," she told Extra!, "but I have no plans of getting married any time soon."

I can totally relate. I've never thought much of marriage, dismissing it as something weak-minded people did, a silly security blanket for traditional types. It's not that I'm a commitment-phobe. I just wondered why people felt the need to make it legal. Why not just hang out with someone for your life and then squeeze out a couple of wee ones if you so choose?

However, as I am never one to turn down a bitchin' party, I mourned what I assumed would be a lack of wedding in my life, settling in my mind for a "love party," i.e. an open bar to celebrate commitment to another. No paperwork or Jesus involved.

Alas, when a 6'3" hazel-eyed sex machine with white-picket fence aspirations popped the ol' question, I caved. I am in love, and knew marriage was important to him. Looks like there will be no love party for me after all, but a bonafide wedding.

Naturally, though we don't have a date set and I insist on waiting for a few years, I have begun planning. I employ the guidance of everything: websites, books, magazines, the whole she-bang. It's become an addiction.

Here is a biased and tragically incomplete list of the best and worst wedding planning tools:

Websites


Brides.com, I heart you. I love you for your infinite thumbnail images of dresses, flowers, hairstyles, décor, invites, food. And the way you save all of the images I "clip" really pumps my nads. If this whole thing with Zach doesn't work out, maybe you and I could, you know…


www.GreatGreenWedding.com is great for the eco-conscious bride like myself. Though not exhaustive in its content, it does have great little snippets of ideas and products. And LINKS.

Kvetch.IndieBride.com: This is a stupendous message board for brides-to-be. No frills, just fuckin' awesome.


Etsy.com: I have a professor whose wedding was totally Etsy-driven. A fantastic resource for people who want to support independent artisans, find restored vintage gowns, and have a gorgeous one-of-a-kind celebration.


Magazines

Martha Stewart Weddings: As much of a boner-killer as she is, I totally cream my effin' jeans whenever I open her magazine. It features great DIY ideas, tasteful advice columns, and that special touch that is exclusively Martha.Brides: Following in suit with the website, Brides magazine can’t fail.

The Knot: Also a stand-by publication, each issue of The Knot reads like an instruction manual, perfect for shot-gun weddings and brides who want to keep it simple. I also hear really impressive things about the website, but won’t become a member until my own day is a little bit closer. At first glance, it is very practical. So practical, in fact, that my flighty ass doesn’t need it yet.

Inside Weddings: Oh Mylanta, this magazine is gorgeous! If only I could afford anything in it. Sigh…It does serve, however, as a source of creative inspiration. Now how can I replicate those $500 centerpieces with duct tape and chicken-wire?


Books

Anti-Bride Guide and Anti-Bride Wedding Planner: If you are getting married, even if you're a "pro-bride," YOU MUST MUST MUST GET THESE BOOKS. I buy copies as engagement gifts more often than I like to admit. So, so useful. And the best part is that, while thumbing through, you are constantly reminded that you don't have to wear a veil that looks like it's from a horror film; nor must you outfit your wedding party in matching shower curtains. And if you want a trough of bread pudding in lieu of a wedding cake (my and Zach's every fantasy), go for it!

Eco-Chic Weddings: A nice, compact guide to planning "an environmentally friendly, socially responsible, affordable, and stylish celebration." Sold.


The Losers

RedEye: I was feeling hungover on the subway platform on Wednesday, and Garth’s sage advice, “If you’re gonna spew, spew into this,” echoed in my mind. I reach for a copy of the Chicago Tribune's RedEye in case I needed something to spew onto, and the cover story caught my glance. "Cheap Vows: More Chicago couples are saying 'I do' to DIY budget weddings." I tore into it, trying to find the article. I was more than annoyed to find that the featured couple had a $35,000 wedding budget? Suck it, RedEye. Last time I refer to the likes of you for any wedding advice.

InStyle Weddings: A big YAWN.

WeddingStar: The tease: a great cover, tasteful matte pages, and heavy, as if full of useful information. The reality: a fucking catalog. Useful, I guess, but also incredibly boring.


My Very Own Personal Tips For You

It's all about the color scheme, baby. But can't decide? Go to a hardware or paint store and swipe stacks of the swatches. You can choose your hues and pair them side-by-side with complementing shades.

Get a notebook. It doesn't have to be fancy, acid-free or leather bound. On the left-hand page, write a few key words, a few sentences describing your ideal wedding. Conceal your writing, flip it over, and hand it to your fiancé(e), having him/her do the same. Compare. Zach and I both ended up with words like "earthy," "rural," and "green." There’s our theme. For the rest of the notebook, reserve a page or two for each wedding component -- invites, guest list, vows, budget, etc. -- and write down everything. Guard that notebook with your life; it's more valuable (and waay cheaper) than any wedding planner.

Don't bury yourself in resources. Give your groovy mom a call. Watch "Best in Show" with your dog on your lap. Slurp some gin and tonics with your friends. Go on fun dates with your betrothed and have yo'self some sex, lots and lots of kinky jive. You'll go crazy if you don't.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, will write on weddings every Saturday through June. When she's not writing for CrabbyGolightly, she's stirring things up at her cooking blog, feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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June 13, 2009

LET'S GET TRIPPY

Friday Night Flashback: The Banana Splits

BEFORE SPONGEBOB, BEFORE THE MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS, before Pee Wee's Playhouse and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, there was "The Banana Splits."

We bring THE BANANA SPLITS to you for no other reason than to amuse ourselves, and with apologizes to Tom Wolfe, to remind us of 70s' electric kool-aid kiddy TV.

Enjoy the trip.

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June 12, 2009

TARGET PRACTICE

Letterman Loses the 'Women' Vote By Exploiting Palin's Daughter

I DISLIKE SARAH PALIN AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER self-respecting young woman would, and should, but I actually can agree with her here. (For the first and probably last time.)

It is not cool, nor is it funny, to joke about statutory rape, Dave.

A simple solution would be for comedians and media figures to keep a line between fair game and prey in their commentary.

During the elections, it really bothered me when Palin would cry-the-blues about everyone "attacking" her family. Sorry lady, you're running for the second most important seat in our country. Obama is being accused of being a fucking terrorist; everything is fair game.

Now, however, at what feels like so long since the election, err'one should get off her family's nuts.

Frankly, her family doesn't matter. They have nothing to do with her politically. While there are certainly pertinent aspects of her family life that are contradictory to her political views (i.e. preg daughter while simultaneously defaming any sexual education that is not abstinence-only), in the grand scheme, nothing about her career hinges on her personal life. What would be more interesting -- as a Jezebel commenter noted --would be hearing how she feels about the recent murder of an abortion doctor, or perhaps North Korea, the environment, the economy, etc.

Why does anyone give a flying fuck about Sarah Palin's litter of children? They're kids, not public figures, and they don't deserve to be joked about. Everyone's missing the point: Sarah Palin is a politician. She's also a mother and wife, but who cares about that? I'm more concerned about this bimbo running my country than I am about her teenage daughter's baby photos.

It makes my skin crawl to finally agree with her on an issue, ut at least I can admit it. She's right; Dave would never make a joke about Obama's girls in that manner. It would be a fucking outrage, and rightfully so. Statutory rape isn't funny!

I can get on board with the Mama-Grizzly mentality Palin has here: Don't fuck with someone's kids! I'd be pissed too!

If Letterman does owe anyone an apology for something he said on his show during his airtime in front of his fans, it's not Sarah Palin, not -- as she claims in her grossly hyperbolic statement -- young women everywhere, but to the girl at whom the comments were directed. I love you Dave, but shit, man. Get some taste.

And the REALLY pressing issue here is this: when will Sarah Palin exit my life forever?

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, will write on weddings every Saturday through June. When she's not writing for CrabbyGolightly, she's stirring things up at her cooking blog, feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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REVELATIONS

Friday's Leftovers: Week In Review

I WAS A BIT SURPRISED WHEN I HEARD THAT boxer Mike Tyson got married two weeks after the tragic accident that killed his 4-year-old daughter. The wedding wasn't a planned affair; the couple did the Vegas thing.

Tyson's been married twice before -- to actress Robin Givens in 1988, and physician Monica Turner in 1997.

New bride Lakiha Spicer apparently was not the litle girl's mother. In a grainy family photograph on Bitten&Bound, mom seems to resemble Turner.

It’s evident that the newlyweds don't give a shit what people think. I'm in the "much too soon" camp. Folks react to tragedy in different ways, but it's weird even by Mike Tyson's standards.


ADAM LAMBERT CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET. YAWN. The question was never whether he was gay but why did he he wait so long to confess?

The glam rocker dodged the question all season long as he dominated American Idol, while media speculated that fear of turning off Idol voters might have been the reason for staying mum.

But Adam Lambert is not the first Idol with a colorful past. In 2007, raunchy pictures of Antonella Barba were leaked; In 2008, news broke that David Hernandez was a male stripper. And that same year a video was released showing Danny Noriega wearing make up and ranting obscenities. Shortly after all of these scandals, the contestants were voted off.

Did Adam do the smart thing by waiting to come out or did he just want to keep us guessing? One year I want to see an Idol contestant win who has a sex tape floating around or an old drug habit. America, don't let me down.



GOD'S HONEST TRUTH -- I HAVE NEVER WATCHED AN EPISODE OF Jon & Kate Plus 8. But I wasn't surprised to read that my girl Tori Spelling is a fan of the show. Well, maybe was a fan.

Since the going got tough in the Gosselin clan, Tori is tuning out. "It was one of my favorite shows. Now, it seems to have gone to an odd place…I loved the fact that they were a normal family. They weren’t in Hollywood. They were real and it’s hard for me now to see them on the cover of People Magazine… I was like, 'Wow, I'm not watching a celebrity family on TV. I'm actually watching a real family and I want to know what that's like so I can relate to that.' "

Tori, for one thing, once the Gosselins had sextuplets after twins they were no longer normal. Normal people usually can’t feed a brood that big on a normal salary. They may have been more "real" before they got the television show. You should have seen them then. They went where they wanted to go and did whatever they wanted to do. Without cameras or entourages. See, Tori, normal people don't have cameras in their faces 24/7. Once that happens you're a celebrity family. So what you were watching was never real or normal. I’m really sorry you had to grow up in the Hollywood bubble but Jon and Kate were never what you’re looking for; Jon and Kate have become you.



THE KITCHEN WAS THE SAME BUT THE EXPERIENCE BAR reached the ceiling on Wednesday night’s premiere of "Top Chef Masters. This new version of the food-cooking competition leaves the amateurs at home to marvel at the masters at work. I’m getting goose bumps. Since I’ve watched Top Chef since season one, I recognized many of the chefs who breezed by in the many commercials leading to the debut. Each week four renowned chefs will compete as the amateurs do - with a quickfire and an elimination challenge. Whoever wins moves on to the next week.
When I saw Chef Hubert Keller, a frequent Top Chef guest judge, I knew he was going to win. How can anyone who looks that delicious not excel? I'm totally into the older gentlemen with the gray pony-tailed length hair, beard and mustache look. And he's French! Yummy…Oh, but back to the show.

The quickfire challenge was a dessert judged by a panel of Girl Scouts who were brutally honest in the way only kids can be. Chef Tim Love made an unusual chicken-fried strawberry. The Scouts were iffy on it. Keller won with a gorgeous dessert that had Chocolate Meringue Mousse, or fruit with orange foam and tiny surprises)." Such a pretentious title but I bet it was the bomb. That swan sent the Girl Scouts swooning. Keller also won the elimination challenge with one of the dishes being a simple mac & cheese. Of course his had prawns and mushrooms.

Regular Top Chef co-host Tom Colicchio made a brief appearance but my Padma Lakshmi went missing. I’d never run into Masters host Kelly Choi before, but from her bio she seems quite an accomplished food journalist and television producer. But she’s no Padma. She doesn’t posses the languid "I could be anywhere in the world but I choose to be here with you" Padma fabulousness. (Cause you know it’s true).

Veteran food critic Gael Greene, with her formidable hat collection, graces the show with her presence, along with critics Jay Rayner and James Oseland. The chefs are vying for $100,000 for their special charities so there are tender stories and home photos to go along with their amazing food. It's all very yummy to my eyes.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food. Writer Nicki R. contributed to this report.

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June 11, 2009

ALTERED STATES

Mashable: Art & Life Collide With The Help Of These Websites

THE LINE BETWEEN ART AND LIFE GETS BLURRIER AND BLURRIER ALL THE TIME.

Today we get faux butt assaults at the MTV Movie Awards, questionable public emotional breakdowns, highly produced "reality TV."

Why should you let television producers and actors have all the fun? Take charge of blurring your own lines of reality!

The website HongKiat has created a handy list of 25 websites that let you upload your own photos into iconic, geographic or media images.

Among their favorites are PhotoFunia, which invites you to "pimp your myspace page" by editing your photo into about 100 iconic or goofy images. With the site's help, you can walk on the moon, morph into Superman, immortalize yourself on Mt. Rushmore or into about 95 other scenarios.

The site Fun Photo Box is number two on HongKiat's list, with their effects slightly wackier than PhotoFunia's.

But don't stop there. You can print your face on money, old old yearbooks, magazine covers, even try on your favorite actress' hair style!

So if you're bored, unhappy, or just restless for new adventures, go ahead -- edit your life!

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OOMPAH THIS, GRAMMY!

No 'One Last Dance'? Grammy Kills 'Polka' Category

IT'S AN AFFRONT TO POLKA LOVERS!

Apparently there's this organization called the Recording Academy that gets to decide what music is entitled to a Grammy award, and this year, they've nixed polka. Somebody muttered some sorry excuse about "musical landscapes," but that somebody obviously resides far from Chicago, home to the International Polka Association and a hotbed, so to speak, of polka music and dancing.

Here, the music still pulsates in Southside pubs and has even morphed into "polka punk", even if the crowds have grown smaller.

"What makes me somewhat upset about this is that the polka category was one of the few, if not only, music category in which all of the artists were essentially independent types putting out their own recordings,'' said Don Hedeker, guitarist and vocalist for the punk Polkaholics, who was looking forward to the day when he might win a Grammy.

On August 1, he and his band are releasing a new "polka opera," Wally, "loosely based on the life & times of Polka King Li'l Wally.

"I thought that we might have a shot to get nominated for a Grammy this year in polka. A long shot, admittedly, but I was definitely going to send it all over the place to try to make this happen,'' Hedeker said. "Now, it's impossible."

"Of course it's disappointing because this is what I do,'' said Eddie Blazonczyk Jr. of the polka band The Versatones. "The Grammy Awards gave a legitimacy to polka music.''

Blazonczyk's band was started by his father Ed Sr. in 1963, who actually claimed a Grammy for the album, Another Polka Celebration.

Junior joined the band just shy of 20 and assumed the lead in 1997. "When I joined my dad’s band we were doing 200 dates a year, we were on the road 40 to 45 weeks a year," he said.

But the crowds grew thinner as original fans aged, and their number of gigs declined. "They didn’t instill that love into their children,'' says Ed, who eventually entered the real work world and kept the band as a weekend hobby.

Yet at the very least, here in Chicago, the love of the music will live on, attracting fun-loving crowds to places like Club 505 and Rudy and Ann's. Independent-minded folks who don't look to the Grammy for their music cues.

"We try to be as un-boring and uncool as possible!,'' says Hedeker. "The traditional polka crowds are probably nostalgic to some extent -- certainly the glory days of polka are over for them, but the traditional bands continue to put out new music and try to attract new fans."

And Blazonczyk says no matter how small the crowds get, "I don’t think the music will ever die.

"It’s a fantastic art form. It’s America."

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June 09, 2009

DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE

Life Imitating Art: Are Too Many Hip Hop Artists Victims Of Their Own Mythology?

DOES THE VIOLENCE IN HIP HOP, THE CONSTANT TALK OF GUN-PLAY, THE GLORIFICATION OF THE kill-or-be killed machismo and street life lead children astray? Considering the deaths and jail-time sentences surrounding hip-hop, it would be easy to argue yes.

Up-and-coming 21-year-old rapper Roderick "Dolla" Burton II was shot in the head last month in the parking lot of the Beverly Center in Los Angeles. Accused gunman Aubrey Louis Berry, 23, was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport hours later and claimed that Dolla was going to shoot him.

Dolla's death is just the latest in a long string of killings of hip-hop artists. Most notably, Tupac Shakur and the Notorious B.I.G. were slain during a media-perpetuated East Coast/West Coast rap war of the 90s'.

But this millennium has had its share of hip-hop woes as well.

Keeping Dolla company is Nelly's St. Lunatic affiliated artist, Robert Ortega Henderson, a.k.a. Tega, who was fatally wounded on May 16th.

There's rapper and Dancing With The Stars' alum, Lil' Kim who served prison time before cha-cha-ing her way through primetime.

Rapper T.I. has just started serving federal time for his involvement in attempting to purchase guns and silencers in 2008.

And let's not forget Remy Ma, convicted of shooting a woman outside a nightclub, and Da Brat, sentenced for assaulting someone with a bottle of liquor inside a club: both are currently locked up in prison.

Even Marshall Mathers has tangled with the law during an incident in which he pistol-whipped a man outside a bar.
That's a brutal tally of the hip-hop notables convicted for violent crimes or crimes centered around guns. But everyone who enjoys hip-hop doesn't buy into the flashier or the more negative messages found in some songs. President Barack Obama even has Jay-Z or Mr. "99 problems but a Bitch Aint One" on his iPod. I am and have been a heavy hip-hop consumer -- without the jail record. There are millions more of this invisible norm: college educated, working-class individuals who don't have bullet wounds or silencers in the trunk.

Too many hip-hop artists get caught up trying to make their lives emulate the music, often to their own detriment.


In the documentary Thug Angel, a 17-year-old Tupac Shakur is shown speaking eloquently of his disdain for men who refer to women as "bitches." That's then contrasted with video of Tupac fluidly using the word after he had become a sensation.

The film also pointedly notes that Shakur never had a rap sheet until he started making rap.

And rapper Rick Ross claimed to be a drug dealer in many of his songs, but old pictures tell a different story: he used to be a correctional officer. When that fact became public it diminished Ross' street credibility, but it didn't diminish his sales.

Is this life imitating art, or art imitating life? I'm not sure.

It's true that many rappers are from urban areas or impoverished communities for whom rap is the creative outlet to vent frustrations against the world. Many songs reflect the reality of financial hardship, drugs, sex and the violence that plagues such communities.

But the starker truth is hip-hop and rap music are packaged products sold for public consumption. Sold for entertainment.

What becomes apparent is that hip-hop is sometimes fiction, and some people are buying into an image that doesn't always reflect reality.

Ultimately, making music becomes less about artistry and more about bucks. When the conglomerates that produce music see that the more sexually explicit, the dirtier the lyrics, the more a record sells, then more of the same is produced. The more trash sells, the more we get.

Yes, kids are impressionable, and parents should be weary. But a child whose parents care enough to give them guidance are safe.

The problem comes when rap's negative images represent a young person's real life. Maybe we should stop trying to convict hip-hop for creating the violence, but rather consider it an indictment of America's economic disparity that helps perpetuate a violent culture.

Shakenya Jackson boasts she is among Chicago's finest writers. She enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

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June 08, 2009

CRAZY TALK

Tabloid Trash Talk

Cracks in the Brangelina Facade? The Gosselins Are Cooked. Plus! Speidi Alleges 'Torture' In The Jungle

WHAT THE HELL? I GO AWAY FOR A WEEK and all hell breaks loose! Both the National Enquirer and InTouch are reporting splitsville for Brangelina.

Although both reps for the couple -- and other tabloids -- deny the rumors, the Enquirer seems preeeeettty sure that after five years and six kids the hottest couple on the planet are done.

InTouch even reports that they have been separately seeking advice from divorce attorneys --and the two aren't even married! The hyphenated couple doesn't usually respond to such rumors, which have been swirling for years, so issuing a statement something must be up, right? Is this going to turn out to be like celebrity baby rumors? Denied until the bulge is unavoidable and then splattered all over the press? (See Jennifer Hudson as an example. Or, you know, any of Angie's previous births.)

The Enquirer says the couple will lead separate lives over the summer, with Brad filming movies and Angie hanging with the kids in France.(What rotten luck summering in France.)

And then, once the kids are acclimated to the idea, they will announce their separation. I'm skeptical. Sure, the Enquirer has a good track record for breaking these sorts of stories, but Brad and Angie seemed awfully lovey-dovey in Cannes. And though everyone works overtime painting Angelina as an uber-jealous shrew, I can't really see her worrying about the attentions of Diane Kruger.

Plus Diane is all up on Pacey's junk so…yeah. Rumors taste great with a grain of salt I suppose.

Speaking of splits, or maybe slits, hasn't everyone seen Kate Gosslin's tummy tuck scar? Her "revenge" body is on the cover of both Us and InTouch. But what did she do that was so bad that she had to cut herself up like that?

And speaking of the Gosselins, that marriage is pretty much over. So done that there are photos of Kate kissing a fish! Charbroiled baby. Jon's got some other chippie on the side, and Kate's preparing to raise their brood on her own. Now those are some kids to feel sorry for. According to a report in Us, it takes six days to shoot a half hour episode and authorities are investigating whether the kids are overworked and exploited. I guess we really won't know until they get their own reality show in 15 years.

Lucky for me, I got home from my travel just in time to catch the premiere of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Normally I skip reality TV, but I just can't resist this show. My vested interest is in seeing Heidi and Spencer Pratt get eaten by whatever man-eating animal is living in that jungle.

Oh how I hate Speidi, and their performances on this show are not helping their cause despite Spencer's claims that his “brand” is villain so he’s just maintaining that identity. But in a LOL interview with the first contestant kicked out of the jungle, comedian
Angela Shelton says of Spencer, "He's very unhinged. I'm trying to figure out how he passed the psych evaluation, and by what margin. …They're both crazy."

At the very least, Heidi and Spencer are the two stupidest, most self-involved jackasses to ever breathe air. It boggles my mind that he has the baaaaaaallllls to repeatedly tell America that he and his mentally challenged wife are “too rich and too famous” to have to camp in the jungle.

First of all, no one clubbed you over the head and dropped you in the jungle. (Dear NBC, please club these two over the head and drop them in a different jungle.) Second of all, Lou Diamond Phillips is a contestant. You will never be as famous as La Bamba, you sacks of rotting camel dicks!!! N-E-V-E-R.

The print tabs haven’t really covered the show yet but TMZ's all over it, and says Speidi has been nothing but trouble since the get-go. They tried to escape camp several times and finally succeeded. But then God showed them the error of their ways and they begged back on the show. Even the producers are fed up, with NBC's Paul Telegdy telling Ryan Seacrest that the couple are “everything that’s wrong with America.” That might mean something if NBC wasn’t paying the Pratts to be on TV.

On Thursday night's episode, Heidi and Spencer were told that if they wanted back in, they had to spend a night in isolation, in the same cabin of creepy-crawly horrors that sent them fleeing in the first place!

The results of their punishment won't be aired until next week but TMZ reports that Heidi was rushed to the hospital for a gastric ulcer after their ordeal, and now Spencer is threatening to sue NBC for torture!

Spencer twittered that they were "locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water," but TMZ is totally on Team NBC and their sources say it's all a load of crap. There were medics on the scene in case anything went wrong, they were only in isolation for 10 hours with food and water and they have the whole thing on tape. Suck it Spiedi.

The only thing keeping me from wishing they would just head back to The Hills is that I’m betting John Salley or Janice Dickenson will snap and spew serious crazy all over their asses. And that will be "must see TV."

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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BFF FOREVER

White Stripes' Meg White Still The Moon In Ex-Husband's Star Galaxy

SO I JUST So I just read that Jackson Smith, son of my idol Patti Smith and the late great rocker of the coincidentally named Fred 'Sonic' Smith, tied the knot to White Stripe's Meg White, ex wife to the other half of her band and rock star at-large, Jack White.

Meg White and Jackson Smith, guartist for the Detroit band Back In Spades, were married May 22 at Jack White's house in Nashville, which I assume he shares with supermodel wife Karen Elson and two babes.

It was a double wedding, the other couple being bassist for Jack White's newer bands The Raconteurs and Dead Weather and some lady no one's ever heard of.

So, imagine you and your ex being in a wildly successful band when he leaves Detroit, marries a model and starts a sort of all-star band instead.

Then YOU marry another rocker in your ex's backyard, sharing the stage with the bassist in your ex's newer bands, in a place totally not your home, totally not Detroit (where Jackson and Meg still live).

Keeping up? It gets trickier. I met Jackson and Meg briefly before they were dating, through former Von Bondies' member Marcie Bolen.

Bolen dated Jack White when he famously attacked the VB's frontman Jason Stollsteimer. Bolen also dated Jackson Smith, the now new husband to Jack's ex-wife. AND in my opinion, she looks like a mix between Meg White and Karen Elson.

Also, Jack White's newest project, another all-star band of sorts called Dead Weather includes Alison Mosshart of The Kills, the first band the Von Bondies toured with. And Jamie Hince of The Kills is dating a supermodel too -- serial rockstar dater Kate Moss

! Do you think any of this has to do with anything? I could go on like this forever, but I won't.

N. Stag is a graduate of the University of Michigan and winner of seven writing awards for fiction and fashion-writing. She has written for many websites and currently teaches English.

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June 07, 2009

THE WEDDING SEASON

The Bachelorette Party: Are Dick Jokes De Rigueur?

"PLEASE GUYS," CHRISTA IMPLORED. "NO PENIS-SHAPED ITEMS. PLEASE."

Bachelor(ette) parties, the stuff the Overheard websites are made of.

I host Christa's bachelorette party in Chicago. Though I am not her maid of honor (the one who traditionally coordinates the bachelorette party), I am the only one who lives in the city, so I gladly take on the task.

"No dicks?" I ask Laura, the maid of honor. "What kind of party is this?!"

When I marry, I expect everything at my bachelorette party to be phallic. But Christa -- who is slightly more demure than I -- prefers good old-fashioned fun. So she gets it.

We decide to conduct a scavenger hunt. We equip Christa with a bedazzled canvas bag donned the words Bachelorette Scav Hunt. On the opposite side we glue an American flag and scrawl "YER AH-MUR-I-KUN!" to remind her of her "roots" after she jets off to London where she'll live post-wedding.

She's also forced to wear the telltale "Bride to Be" sash and a white tulle veil. Though we are completely aware of the obnoxiousness of all this, we persevere. (I apologize to anyone whose day we may have ruined with our girlish squeals.)

As the day progresses, Christa gets different clues to Wicker Park shops including the sex boutique Batteries Not Included and the aptly-named iCream Café.

Her fiancé Phil, is a pastor (Yes, my friends are very diverse.), so one clue is rolled up inside a cross-shaped box. It reads: "Although Phil is a pastor, you can't only do it in the mish pozish." She snags a Kama Sutra book from
Myopic. She then sings karaoke at 3 pm at Louie’s Pub -- Boyz II Men’s I'll Make Love to You -- before we buy her a lingerie set from Victoria’s Secret, and then we top it all off with dinner and drinks.

We have a spectacular time, but I expect a slightly more wild bachelorette party when it’s my turn. (Zach, on the contrary, insists that my bachelorette party be at a monastery.) Beyond big veiny dildos and copious amounts of wine, I'm not sure exactly what I want. I certainly don't want to wake up the morning after with my eyeballs about to explode out of my head and my pubes doused in stripper glitter (this may or may not have happened to my dear father). Like Christa, I prefer a bachelorette party that is less formulaic.

If there is a moral to this story, it's this: Ignoring the standard is crucial when it comes to the formalities and traditions of weddings. Though the temptation was strong (believe me) to surprise Christa at the restaurant with a cock-cake complete with toasted coconut scrotum hair (Yum!), it wouldn't have been right.

The bullshit thing about weddings is the endless list of expectations. Defying them -- in this case, resisting tallywacker accessories -- is the key to wedding planning that is actually fun, not fake.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, will write on weddings every Saturday through June. When she's not writing for CrabbyGolightly, she's stirring things up at her cooking blog, feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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June 06, 2009

CELEBRITY COMINGS AND GOINGS

Friday's Snap Shots: Week In Review

WHAT A BLOW TO HEAR OF THE DEATHS OF KOKO TAYLOR and DAVID CARRADINE on the same day. I'm a big fan of all the Carradines. Though Keith is my favorite, I was still sad at 73-year-old David's mistake. But the bigger wallop for me is Taylor. She's one of my iPod favorites. I dare you to listen to her and not feel a tingle.

I think another reason I had a special affinity for her was that she resembled my family. Alas, only in looks, not musical talent. Koko was among the greats, known as the Queen of the Blues who kept the blues scene alive in her adopted hometown of Chicago (disclaimer: I had one of the BEST nights of my life at Chicago blues club Kingston Mines. The 80-year-old died June 3 of complications after surgery. R.I.P

WHEN DID LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS hit the celebrity D-list? I was surprised to see him on the new NBC pile-o-shit I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!. What's he doing hanging out with the likes of Speidi, Frangela, FREAKING SANJAYA, and that Blagojevich woman!

I could only stomach snippets of this Survivor rip-off but I did catch this -- Spencer told Heidi, "It's the first time you've cried on TV and it's not fake." I think she was crying over a lost container of dry shampoo. The famewhores pretended to leave several times but then came right back. "Super-celebrities don't belong in the jungle,"' Spencer reportedly said. "They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi." Why not just jump around, waving your arms in the air, and shouting, "Look at us, look at us, LOOK AT US!!! Don't we deserve our OWN show! You know we do. We'd be fab!"

The show's two hosts are bad and I have a difficult time looking at the set and believing they're in Costa Rica. It looks as if an assistant went out and bought every large tree and tropical-looking fauna at Ikea and bunched them all together. I'd describe this show the way Elaine Benes described her orgasms with the fictional Jerry Seinfield (with finger-pointing) - fake, fake, fake, fake.

I'M HOPING THAT RIHANNA goes all the way and testifies against ex-boyfriend Chris Brown in court for the brutal beating he inflicted. But it seems that part of her recovery from the incident is a bit of internet mischief. She allegedly plans to release embarrassing nude photos of the singer in retaliation for him "allegedly" doing the same to her. Children, grow up.

LOVING ALL THINGS PRINCE, I was excited to see PopMatters week-long celebration of the 25th anniversary of Purple Rain. The site explores the cinematic rivalry between Prince and Morris Day, give a track by track analysis of the film’s music and, of course, includes a feature on Prince's delicious wardrobe.

AND I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE. With an older man. I googled him and found out that we’re the same zodiac sign. Sigh. He has such a mellifluous voice I could listen to his dulcet tones all day. In fact, as a true crime buff, some days I do. He’s Bill Kurtis, former hotshot Chicago television anchorman and narrator of crime dramas such as American Justice and Cold Case Files. While I’ve always dug his voice, getting to see him in his commercials for AT&T bring a special thrill. In his 30-second spot with Andy Roddick I can watch him kiss that trophy over and over. You can only act that well in that short amount of time when you really get it. Bill gets it. He's like Leslie Nielsen that way. After you have the great, serious career go goof on yourself and keep bringing home the Benjamins.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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June 04, 2009

EYE CANDY

Blythe: She's A Real Doll -- And Obsession

LITTLE GIRLS LOVE THEIR DOLLS, BUT IT TAKES BIG GIRL BUCKS TO LAND A BLYTHE DOLL.

The original demure wide-eyed beauty was made for one year, 1972, by the Kenner toy company, according to Wikipedia. Three decades later, several other companies have undertaken recreating her. But of course the original doll is most coveted, and she's become an obsession among collectors.

There is a booming market on Etsy for hand-made clothing for Blythe and her companions, where you can find an outfit to reflect any geography or personality. The tiny garments are gorgeous in their detail and diversity. They make me want to play with dollies again.

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BUSTED

Misery Loves The Company At 'Texts From Last Night'

WE'VE ALL DONE IT BEFORE -- sent revealing texts to the wrong person or texted in some woe-is-me or drunken stupor.

Don't feel bad, though. It's hard to beat the faux pas found on TextsFromLastNight.com. Founded by two friends in February, Texts From Last Night (TFLN) shares your most revealing and embarrrassing texts in short snippets. The site features "best nights" texts and "worst night" texts, and reminds me a lot of Twitter.

Some examples:

(308): "I just walked in on my mom and dad… It wasn't my dad."

(774): "i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"

(703): "Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then (sic) what I had before going out, about $1000 more."

After spending an hour reading, I felt better about my crappy workday, my mountain of bills and other assorted or personal problems.

But next time I throw myself a pity party, drink too much, feel lonely or start pining for my ex -- I'm staying the hell away.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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GENE SWAMP

It's A Sordid Affair: Candy Spelling's Hateful Comments About Tori

CANDY SPELLING REALLY NEEDS TO SHUT UP NOW.

The famously rich widow of TV überproducer Aaron Spelling is blaming her daughter Tori for her husband's death. The latest attack comes just weeks after Candy insisted on Huffington Post that there is no feud between the two.

If she wants to continually yammer on about mommy's and daughter's rift, she should take it up her with her girlfriends, her hairdresser, or the girls at the spa. it woudn't make her look like such a beeatch when the venom comes straight from her pinched lips.

But, no, she has to write a book. Because, after all, Tori wrote a book.

I do believe that people cause others to die of broken hearts. It’s a terrible thing but something that happens in a lot of families. But it's not for the entire world to know. And it’s not a statement you want your grandchildren to stumble across on the Internet while doing their homework.

Candy's life has been pretty private so far so why not keep it that way. I read that she’s
dumping the “mansion” and buying a condo. Albeit one that’s probably as big as my entire city block. The immense fortune estimated to be worth $500 million left by Aaron only complicates the situation. Tori was reportedly cut out of the will only two months before her father's death. Reports at the time were that Alzheimer's was a contributing factor, making it possible for Tori to challenge the will.

In bygone days, Tori looked like the spoiled little rich girl who didn’t appreciate what she had. Now Candy looks like a jealous, petty, vindictive mother who thinks her daughter killed her husband! All I can say is…tsk, tsk. Both of you need to stop.

There are always two sides to a story, but this public feud between mother and daughter is plain ugly. As punishment, I refuse to buy either of their books!

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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DUH

News Flash: "Looks, Money, Fame May Hinder Happiness"

UGLY, LOW-ACHIEVING DO-GOODERS, TAKE HEART! DON'T WASTE ENERGY ENVYING THOSE ''BEAUTIFUL" STRIVERS AT MTV'S MOVIE AWARDS! There's a new study that says you're happier than your wealthier, more beautiful and higher achieving peers.

So claims University of Rochester researchers who interviewed -- count 'em -- 147 college graduates twice after graduating. (I am constantly in awe of the universal "findings" social scientists derive from study samples of "147 people.")

The goal? To discern the happiness of students post graduation relative to their goals.

Apparently using "indepth psychological surveys," researchers assessed the graduates' "life satisfaction," self-esteem, anxiety, physical stress, and emotions. They then judged the subjects' value of enduring relationships, helping others, achieving wealth and the "look" they wanted.

The "striking and paradoxical" findings? That "reaching materialistic and image-related milestones actually contributes to ill-being," with those reaching their goals suffering more negative emotions like shame and anger and reporting anxiety, headaches, and loss of energy.

Alternatively, those graduates who reported valuing personal growth, close relationships, community and physical health "experience a deeper sense of well-being, more positive feelings toward themselves, richer connections…and fewer signs of stress."

Crabby wonders if the happier individuals were those who landed jobs outside their chosen fields, maybe cashiering at the local grocery. In other words, avoided the rat race of bosses, office politics, and the general continuation of high school's hierarchy.

And seriously, isn't this the most stressful period in a college graduate's life? When they've got to make that degree pay off so they can start paying back student loans? (Which brings me to this: did the researchers' calculate the ratio of student loan debt to happiness? A missed opportunity, I think.)

According to
PsychCentral.com, here's the study's take-home message: "Craving money and adoration also can lead to a preoccupation with "keeping up with the Jones" -- upward social comparisons that breed feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. And unlike the lasting benefits of caring relationships and hard-earned skills, the thrill of extrinsic accomplishments fade quickly."

This is not really news. But here is the trick: how do you package and sell these findings on TV and magazines so that the kiddies will covet them?

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June 03, 2009

SPACE INVASION

Eminem In On The Gag? Sacha Baron Cohen Better Hope So

I LIVE WITH SOMEONE FROM 16 MILE, A SHORT EIGHT MILES NORTH OF WHERE EMINEM GREW UP, and he surprised me this morning.

"What did they do to Eminem?," he asked. Spilling out in the sentences that followed were phrases like, "That was so wrong!," to "That demands retribution!," and "He's a rapper! You can't do that! He can't take that!" And even this! "He should be ready to do some time."

The "that," of course, was the stunt pulled during Sunday night's MTV Movie Awards when provocateur Sacha Baron Cohen alighted on Marshall Mathers head ass first.

The web was atwitter as to whether or not Eminem was in on the gag.

If it turns out that he had no clue, it also means means that producer Mark Burnett is a cunning conniver.

Just days before the show, Burnett said of Eminem, "I've never met him, I look forward to it. I'm a street guy from East London, he's a street guy," he said. "He just wants to do his thing, so we should give him the canvas to do his thing. We're just blessed to have him here — we're very grateful. I'm a huge Eminem fan, huge. To have him come back and do this in a big venue is exciting. And whatever happens is gonna happen." Crabby adds the emphasis here.

Sure Eminem has dished out his dose of venom, but the anger comes from a real place: he is the product of poverty and a fucked-up upbringing. He turned that anger into poetry delivered rat-tat-tat to music, becoming one of the most influential musicians of his time.

I have no doubt that Em can be a total dickhead. But do you diss him minutes after he brings his much-anticipated music to your TV show?

According to TV Guide's Matt Mitovich, 'Bruno's landing on Eminem was a "prearranged stunt. There's no way it was an accident," an industry insider tells the magazine. "You don't let two stars collide without a detailed plan."

Sure, Sacha Baron Cohen's a riot, a brilliant actor best known for punking the public. And I can't wait to catch his upcoming turn as Abby Hoffman in a Steven Spielberg movie about the Chicago Seven. That is, if this latest gag is indeed a hoax and he gets to see the day. WTF?

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June 01, 2009