The Enquirer always has the poop on scandal and just to remind us is this week’s biggest WTF two-page spread on the “Top 10 Reasons Everyone Should Read The Enquirer.You know times are tough in the print world when the NE runs an extended ad for its own self. Look! We broke the John Edwards affair scandal! But we also write stories shaming animal abusers! We are so versatile! There's a huge picture of Gary Hart and Donna freakin' Rice from 1987. Remember when we told you about this?! Aren’t we awesome bastions of journalism? Sorry, but WTF?

In the glossies you're more likely to find higher end WTF. Price tags on the goods celebrities treat themselves to is always good for a headshake. I wanted to throw my copy of US across the room with their spread on shoes some of these ladies buy. The cheapest shoes on display are Beyonce's $795 Giuseppe Zanotti platforms. Madonna's ugly-ass black, Vutton boots cost $3,785. WTF??!! The worst thing about all of these shoes is that they are fugly. I mean fuckin' ugly. Why would you pay $1,695 for ridiculous looking pink, flower looking shoes, Ciara? Surprisingly the most decent looking pair is on Mischa Barton. But even those are $1,595. W. T. F? Oh, I get it; they get them all for free so the wannabes will buy 'em.

Straight up fashion is a field day for WTF too. There are always lineups of celebrity fashion but this week Star catches us all up on the latest trend: Dynasty fashions, baby! Big shoulders and gold lame back! You know, I knew Lady GaGa's look was familiar. And it totally is Alexis with the hats and the giant earrings. Molly Simms channeled Linda Evans' Krystle in a ridiculous, gold, Dolce & Gabbana number recently. Even Rihanna is in on the 80s action in her fancy, dress-up jumpsuit. The best WTF is the resurrection of big shouldered white lace. It’s a number that not even Heather Locklear in her heyday could pull off. Not even on Dynasty. But Jennifer Esposito did her best in a heinous white, lace blouse. And it's see-through so you can even SEE the big, honking, shoulder pads. Ugh. Shudder. WTF? Why do they do this to us? Why are big shoulders OK again?

My favorite WTF of the week is totally in In Touch. Pages and pages of the usual crap, more Brangelinafer than should be allowed by FDA guidelines. Yadda yadda, TomKat relationship drama. Slut shaming Hayden Panettiere. Blah blah blah. But at the very back of the magazine, on the page before the crossword puzzle there's a little photo story about an orangutan named Suryla and her BFF, a hound named Rosie. And they all live happily in an endangered animal sanctuary in South Carolina. What the fuck??

OK, first of all the picture of Suryla walking the dog is hilarious! It’s like a little, hairy people! But then the two of them and a hot, blond minder are on the back of an elephant named Bubbles! Are they for real with this shit? I would get it if, like, Jennifer Lopez was on the back of the elephant with them but it’s just some chick and her friends the orangutan, the dog and their elephant named Bubbles. Somewhere, Dom Deluise is smacking himself in the forehead. That’s really all Cannonball Run was missing!

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.