According to Star’s "World Exclusive" coverage of their "Twisted Marriage," Kate’s brother and sister-in-law are accusing the couple of exploiting their children and allowing their marriage to fall apart for the sake of fame and fortune. Ya think?

Jon's been spewed across tabloids because he's the type of moron who thinks he can have a secret mistress with a camera crew on his ass 24/7.

Now Kate's brother reveals suspicions that Kate has been getting a little something on the side from her bodyguard.

First of all, why does this woman need a bodyguard? She's got a show about being a mommy on TLC, so her life's in danger?

Whatever the reason, she's got this guy traveling on her book tour with her and everyone seems to think they are a little too cozy together. Kate's sister-in-law also levels charges that she has virtually abandoned her family to promote her book.

According some other dirt her family dishes, her family might be better off with her on the road. She sounds like real bitch. Throwing tantrums, bossing people around, and picking fights with her husband. And now she’s got that deranged, David Bowie hairstyle going on. Maybe Jon would be better off without her?

Before we go any further let’s just run down the reasons that getting a divorce might be out of the question. Reportedly they make $75,000 per episode. Season four ran 41 episodes. Let's do the math: That’s $3,075,000 for that season alone.

Reportedly, Kate charges fans $20 for autographs, $150 per person for personal appearances and makes $3,000 for each speaking engagement on her book tour.

And she’s releasing a cookbook this fall. If the marriage falls apart, the show gets canceled and then they can kiss all that cashola goodbye.

Us Weekly went all the way up to Pennsylvania to get the dirt from their neighbors. Nobody seems to like these people, and no one had anything nice to say about them. Although someone did have a lot to say about this supposed affair Kate is having with her bodyguard. And they also have a lot to say about Kate’s parenting skills. Us’ source says that Kate is a “hands-off” kind of mom and is more likely to have someone else deal with her kids than take care of them herself when the cameras aren’t rolling.

Another thing the cameras aren’t focusing on? They have a “secret” agreement that Jon can have his flings as long as he doesn’t divorce her. What a charming couple.

Us also reveals more financial information about the family. Apparently they get free vacations and handouts from major grocers and their show is ranked #8 in product placement by Nielsen Media Research. Can you smell that reality people? Oh yeah.

As usual, the National Enquirer’s coverage is more salacious, going so far as to quoting someone calling Kate “physically and mentally abusive.” According to this source, Kate is into some real Mommy Dearest shit. “Kate becomes overwhelmed with all the noise (editor: of having eight children,) but she won’t say anything to the kids. Instead she just starts banging pots and pans and slamming the cabinet doors.”

They also have more information on this quiet contract of theirs. Kate’s brother and sister-in-law spoke to the Enquirer too (suck on that exclusive Star!) And reiterated that the Gosselins' marriage is pretty much over but instead of a divorce, Kate agreed to let Jon go out on certain nights of the week and date other women as long as he shows up to tape the show and keep up the façade of a happy family. He even has his own quarters above the garage where he sleeps on the nights that he and Kate are both home. But Jon is the primary care giver to their eight children and sleeps in the house while Kate is out of town. It’s sort of what I imagine The Brady Bunch was like before Mike met Carol.

Of course we can't forget about the children. And Life & Style spoke to a bunch of psychologists who want to remind us, and the couple, that they have EIGHT CHILDREN who they should be thinking about and maybe they should both just STAY HOME and TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN. Emphasis mine.

For the love of all that is holy listen to what the tabloids are telling you, Jon & Kate. Go home, raise your kids, pray for college scholarships and stop forcing us to pay attention to you.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.