COUPLES WEEK

Tabloid Trash Talk

Careless Whispers on Reese And Jake, Brad And Ang, Johnny And Vanessa And More!

RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD ENOUGH FOR US REGULAR FOLKS, deciding who takes out the garbage and how to properly fold bath towels. But none of us plebs have photographers following us on shopping trips the way In Touch followed Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllanhaal to the farmer's market in Ojai, Ca. And we don't have buddies who tell tales to tabs.

One of Jake's "longtime pals" told the magazine that the couple has been living together in Reese's farmhouse. Nice job, pal. I'm guessing your invite to their next party is going to get lost in the mail.

Us Weekly followed the couple to his sister Maggie's wedding in Italy. And compliments of the paps, we now have pictures of the celebrity brother of the bride lying on the beach nibbling Reese's ear.

I can't imagine why they try to spend all of their time in a farmhouse far, far away from photographers as possible. If there were people taking pictures of me canoodling every time I left the house I would stay in too. And also to avoid the use of the word canoodling.

Us has also been reporting on Jon & Kate Gosselin's marriage problems. The last name may not be familiar but surely you know Jon & Kate Plus 8. I don't know what they'll call the show if they get divorced, and I'm sure that their notoriety and her book tour are part of what's keeping them together. But this guy seriously is the stupidest man on the planet. You can't have a secret girlfriend when you have cameras following you around everywhere, asshole.

I'm sure their eight children will cherish all of these photos of their dad drunkenly embracing co-eds and videos of him sneaking out of his lover's house which will now forever exist on the internet.

OK! has turned the Vancouver set of New Moon into a scene of drunken debauchery and celebrity romance. The stars they interviewed paint a picture of a family vibe but OK tries to make it sound more like they're kissin' cousins. They are still working the Robert & Kristen sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g angle from last year. This photo of Pattinson and Stewart on the cover makes them look like the dirtiest people ever. Seriously, if you guys want to do something romantic you should wash each other's hair.

It must be great, though, when a magazine comes to your movie set and all they want to talk about is how hot your costars are and who you're sleeping with. In a separate interview with New Moon co- star Ashley Greene OK doesn't even pretend they care about the production. All of the questions are about how The Sparkly Vampire is dealing with fame and how hot the werewolf boy is now that he works out all of the time.

Obama isn't the only politico getting the paparazzi treatment! The National Enquirer keeps up its Gossip for Grandparents image with a story about former presidential candidate John Edwards' mistress demanding a DNA test on the baby she claims to be his. Classy.

Edwards' overpriced, nice guy haircut hasn't been able to protect him from this scandal and his wife is taking her pain public with a book. I guess this has successfully killed any political ambitions for Edwards. If he follows the guidelines in the 2009 issue of the Disgraced Politicians Handbook he can be on next season's I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!

Everyone's favorite relationship train wreck is still Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The Enquirer reports that it is shaping up to be the nastiest split in Hollywood history with six digit settlements and custody battles brewing. While most of the mags are reporting that Brad is tired of the Daddy Daycare routine, The Enquirer reports he will most likely request custody of his biological children. Who needs a divorce lawyer when you can just let the tabloids sort is all out for you?

Of course, In Touch's cover story this week is about how Brad and Jen Aniston may be rekindling their romance by daring to spend some time talking! There they go again, trying to have private lives when people are paid to stalk their every move. It just can't be done.

I am glad I wasn't housekeeper at their place when Angelina confronted him about this clandestine car ride around Manhattan with his ex-wife.

Reading all of these stories with their anonymous sources and telephoto shots makes Johnny Depp seem like the sensible one. And when the hell has that ever happened? While filming his new movie The Rum Diary in Puerto Rico, Johnny, Vanessa Paradis and their kids are living on a yacht! Talk about privacy, they can just cruise on out of paparazzi range any time they want. You're a wily one Johnny. That's why I like you.