IT'S STICKY IN HERE

The Stars of MTV Music Awards: Gizz And Vampires

BARE ASSES, GIZZ JOKES, INVITATIONS TO FART AND SWOONING OVER VAMPIRES were the stars of Sunday night's MTV music awards.

The highlights: an angel-winged Sacha Baron Cohen in character landed bare-assed in Eminem's lap, leaving him huffing and puffing and storming out of the show. And the vampire flick Twight took home five plastic popcorn awards, including one for best kiss that led actor Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart to feign a leadup to the film's kiss.

The tight, two-hour show opened with Saturday Night Live's Andy Sandberg as shit-covered slumdog who lusts after a droopy eyed vampire, strips naked for a bath with a woman only to be teleported onto the U.S.S. Enterprise and ultimately arrive in the back of Justin Timberlake's stretch limo naked. Sandberg climbs naked over Timberlake to get out of the car. "Not working!" "Not working!" shouts Timberlake in mock horror. "Your penis looks like Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas," Timberlake says.

The scene set the tone for the rest of the night, with SNL's Dick In A Box, and Gizz In My Pants a running joke.

After the mock montage opened, Sandberg welcomed the audience to "the only award show that's on TV tonight!" and then laid a few ground rules.

"Rule no 1: It's cool to fart here,"' he said, singling out Leighton Meester for permission. Rule no. 2: Keep your speeches short or face getting cut off by the keyboard cat.

He then flirted with Megan Fox asking if she wanted to leave with him. No? "Alright, you're ugly,'' he said to LOL from the audience.

The show's producers quickly got hottest of the hotties on stage, having Anna Faris and Chris Pine deliver the breakthrough performance award to Ashley Tinsdale for High School Musical 3.

Next? More hotties, delivered in the form of a Transformers trailer selling sultry Megan Fox and Shia LeBouf.

Then the 90s' rap powerhouse Eminem, performed songs from his latest release Relapse. While it was nice to see him back, he lacked the rage that fueled his past performances but that also turned him into an easy target to provoke.

And who better to perform that task than Sacha Baron Cohen flying overhead the audience and landing bare-assed on the rapper's lap. "Are you fucking serious!" shouted Em, who stormed out, leaving a bewildered Zac Effron to say "that was really weird" while collecting his popcorn for best male performance in HSM 3.

The joke on Em was the night's most bizarre moment, and left some wondering if he was in on the gag. If not, Em should take consolation that Justin Timiberlake also had to extricate himself from legs and a naked Sandberg at the top of the show.

Leann Rimes, Chris Isaak and Oscar winner Forest Whitaker belted out lyrics from Gizz In My Pants and Dick In A Box with earnest seriousness.

Sandberg, along with Will Ferrell and J.J. Abrams also turned in a short about how "cool guys don't look at explosions.

Ben Stiller collected the MTV generation award, presented during a mini roast delivered by Kieffer Sutherland, Zac Effron and Triumph the Insult Dog .

For a full list of winners visit here.

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May 31, 2009

A DREAM REALIZED

The Prime Of Miss Susan Boyle

TO ANY CLAIMS THAT THAT SUSAN BOYLE LOST BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT, that her second-placed finish was a "dream lost," let me sputter an emphatic pish posh! Nothing could be further from the truth.

Since delivering her soaring rendition of Les Misérables' I Dreamed A Dream on stage about seven weeks ago, Boyle's performance has been viewed more than 220 million times, according to Visible Measures, an internet video research firm. The 47-year-old spinster and cat owner has become an international touchstone of the true beauty of talent and simplicity. She is a light to millions, reports of her potty mouth be damned.

Though she may have come in second to a dance troupe calling itself Diversity, Miss Boyle clearly won the competition by surviving the intense scrutiny that comes with stepping on the world-wide stage. "This show is all about manipulating the eagerness for celebrity among vulnerable, often desperate people," David Wilson, a professor at Birmingham City University, told the New York Times. "The more tears, humiliation, conflict and embarrassment, the more the public loves it."

Indeed, coming in second is a blessing, enabling her to deflect the spotlight from her private life. But she isn't going anywhere.

The world is full of late bloomers whose personal suns only start to shine in the second half of their lives.

Singer Al Jarreau released his first album at 38. Writer Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first book when she was 65. Renowned artist Grandma Moses picked up the paintbrush in her 70s. Julia Child released her first cookbook when she was 49.

In this age of youth worship, each of them would have been dismissed like Susan Boyle herself was for her plain looks and unkempt hair during her first performance.

But Susan reminded us once again that our lives do not end when youth fades. And soon, her dream of singing music will be realized; surely it is only months before an album hits the shelves, some cuts are released on iTunes?

The dream over? Let me guess: some twentysomething wrote that headline.

Susan, keep proving us wrong.

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May 30, 2009

THE WEDDING SEASON

Ring of Fire: 'The Proposal'

AHH, THE INCEPTION OF SUMMER. LOVE PERFUMES THE AIR. The weather locks into a steady temperature and apparently couples are compelled to do the same. June is the most popular month to securely fasten the ol' ball-n-chain, to make it legal, to lock 'er down.

Every marriage begins not with a wedding, but a proposal, the make-it-or-break it moment. I don't envy the task of the proposer, nor do I envy the discomfort of a less-than enthused proposee. Proposals are terrifying, no doubt, but when executed skillfully, that shit'll last forever.

The best proposal of which I am aware was done by an animator name Jeff -- to his now-wife Natasha -- and was featured on TLC's series A Perfect Proposal.

Jeff enlisted the help of co-workers and students to create an animated short at the end of which he asks Natasha to marry him. They screened the short flick in a dark movie theater, with their friends and family, unbeknownst to Natasha, sitting behind them. This is television production at its best!

Another valiant effort caught on tape was done by this British guy, who I can't tell if is super cute or just has a super cute accent. Regardless, this is another golden proposal attempt: in addition to his fiancée's parents, he also consulted "the animals in the wood." He's a real Prince Charming.

With great examples abounding, how could a proposer fuck up a proposal? There are a few ways. The proposer could (a) seemingly not even know the proposee , (b) only barely know her, (c) leave it to a dimwitted Fox News reporter, or (d) accidentally say that he desperately wants to make love to a schoolboy.

Or the proposer could repeat the mistake made by the now world-renowned "plonker," Lefkos Hajji by putting a big, fat ring priced at $12,000 in a rogue balloon. It doesn't matter how many times I hear that story I'm still not over it. While Hajji literally wanted to "pop" the question -- by giving his love a pin to prick the balloons -- his logistics were flawed as he ended up chasing the helium-filled bane of his existence.

My good friend Christa -- for whose wedding I will be a bridesmaid on June 20 -- nearly had her own proposal-gone-awry tale. Her fiancé, Phil, arranged for a friend to pick Christa up on a moped and drop her in the middle of Richmond Park in London, where they were both living. But the friend neglected to tell Christa that she was to navigate her way to a specific pond, where Phil, champagne, and a pretty ring were waiting to surprise her. She sat in the park, puzzled and without a phone, until the chagrined friend returned with instructions.

Christa, who putting it kindly is "directionally challenged," took 45 minutes to find the site, where Phil was pacing and “praying that the sun didn’t set.” When he popped the question, she apparently couldn’t stop laughing, a detail that Phil prefers to omit. Alas, everything afterward transpired according to plan, and they will be doing the June-wedding thing and then moving to London permanently. (And no, I don’t want to discuss my envy.)

My own proposal is not as elaborate, but no less thrilling—to me, that is. When my fiancé, Zach, proposed over a year ago, I experienced a nearly vom-inducing shock. Vom-inducing in a romantic way, of course. I love the guy, I really really do, but we make Dharma and Greg look as natural a pairing as Brangelina. When he proposed, we were standing in front of Cloud Gate in Millennium Park, Chicago (“The Bean” for you knuckleheads out there).

Dude dropped to one knee and pulled out the most perfect one-carat oval-cut honkin' mother of a ring. He had a friend there to snap a few photos of the event, and an eager look on his face. That expression is stamped into my brain.

I had to say yes.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, will write on weddings every Saturday through June. When she's not writing for CrabbyGolightly, she's stirring things up at her cooking blog, feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

This Time I'm With Adam: He Owes No Explanation About His Sexual Preference

SPECULATING ABOUT THE SEXUAL PREFERENCE OF ADAM LAMBERT HAS BEEN a favorite pastime among America's blathering classes ever since he ascended to stardom on American Idol.

Among the evidence feeding the chatter are pictures on the web of Adam with a presumed boyfriend, flamboyant poses of him in drag, and his generally fantastic use of glitter, makeup and eyeliner.

Now ABC reports that Idol judge Kara DioGuardi told the ladies of The View that Adam was "always openly out."

Inquisitr surely made that point back in February when it headlined a piece, "Is American Idol's Adam Lambert Gay? Is there really any question?"

Adam himself crowed to People this week, "It's a really, really cool thing…to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you're about, and never make apologies for it." To which some responded that he was using "ambiguous double-speak that's usually reserved for politicians in crisis-management mode."

But here's the deal: Adam is clearly comfortable in his own skin, maybe even likes the line blurred. He doesn't seemed burdened by his sexuality. Why are we so obsessed with it?

Maybe it takes courage to say "I'm gay"; but maybe he's already said that to the people who matter most to him. Perhaps he's known it so long that he thinks it's irrelevant to conversations with strangers.

Just recently two well-known actors who've been in the spotlight for decades -- David Hyde Pierce and Kelly McGillis -- have made public announcements about their sexuality.

Pierce announced yesterday on The View that he was "quietly married" last October to his partner of 24 years, Brian Hargrove.

And McGillis, the sexy love interest of Tom Cruise in Top Gun in February revealed that she is gay.

"I tried really hard not to be who I am. I tried super hard," she said yesterday on People.com. "It was a difficult journey for me to come to terms and be whole and happy with who I am."

From afar, that journey doesn't seem to have been as difficult for Lambert. I could be wrong, but I feel certain about this: He'll tell us when he's ready, and that is as it should be.

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May 29, 2009

SUB CULTURE

Trying Out The Cutting Edge

SO I JUST SHAVED two sections of my head, just above each ear.

I was inspired by some shots of whiskey, the 1983 Bow Wow Wow album cover, the model/socialite Alice Dellal, L.A. band Io Echo, and some nameless ex-punk girl I used to see around Detroit.

I sent my sister in New York a picture and her response lets me know just how un-avante garde she thinks I am.

"Nice,'' she texted.

"Have you seen Cassie's half-shaved head? Not that it makes her cool."

I told my other friend in New York about the haircut and he said, "Oh, isn't that what all the pop stars are doing now? I like Cassie's better than Alice Dellal's."

Personally, I'm more partial to Alice's because it seems to fit her, while Cassie, a V girl struggling to make music with backing from Lil Wayne and P. Diddy, looks to be taking a last desperate stab at fame.

There's an article on the mini trend in Fashion Indie. I won't be surprised if more and more popstars and hipsters start shaving their heads.

As for me, I'm super happy with the look and the last minute add on -- steps --but disappointed with the payoff: No one really cares.

N. Stag is a graduate of the University of Michigan and winner of seven writing awards for fiction and fashion-writing. She has written for many websites and currently teaches English.

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May 27, 2009

CATS RULE, TAKE TWO

Meet Hugo, The Cat Of A 1000 Faces

MEET HUGO, BONAFIDE YOUTUBE FELINE STAR.

Hugo's his screen name, but this cool cat's real name is Walter, we presume the tormented pet of one jonathanhowells, forced into donning disguises of every imaginable sort.

But life isn't all bad for Walter, as he's the talk of chat shows, has his own video series on YouTube, stars in his own Star Wars sequel, is subject of his very own Facebook fan page.

When you're a celebrity like Walter, you learn to take the good with the bad, sort of like the Gosselin family is finding out.

Remember, baby, cats rule on the web!

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FLICK THIS

On The Web, Cats Rule And Dogs Drool

GRAPHIC ARTIST FRANK CHIMERO is an illustrator with a knack for synthesizing information into graphic assertions of truth. Check him out.

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THIRD WAVE AMUSEMENTS

At This Visual Smorgasbord, The Choices Are Literal or Figurative

REMIND ME: DID ALVIN TOFFLER PREDICT THAT THE THIRD WAVE WOULD BE SO BEAUTEOUS?

In his futuristic handbook, Toffler predicted that we'd all be living, working, playing from our homes more often. Surely this applies to the artisans and techies who joyfully kick out Photoshop creations for Worth1000.com, the visual playground of Aviary.com whose mission is to "make creation accessible to artists of all genres, from graphic design to audio editing."

Worth1000, according to the home site, is a "talented community of 500,000 digital artists that participate in amazing daily contests."

And amazing ain't no exaggeration. Skip your fingers over to the site and check out the machinations created for contests ranging in themes from Celebrity Vampires to Food Literalisms. I promise it'll leave you wanting more.

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May 25, 2009

CREATIVE VISUALIZATION

The Donald "Mentally Projects" Billions But Unfazed By Need For New Do

ANY DAY NOW, A NEW JERSEY JUDGE WILL RULE WHETHER THE DONALD CAN PROCEED WITH A DEFAMATION LAWSUIT AGAINST THE AUTHOR OF A BOOK WHO had the audacity to suggest the real estate mogul and reality TV host overestimates his financial worth by billions.

In the 2005 book, writer (and New York Times' editor) Timothy O'Brien quoted unnamed sources as saying Trump was worth between a (relatively) paltry $150 million to $250 million.

The Donald took umbrage at the low numbers and sued O'Brien claiming he had damaged his street cred and potential biz deals.

While the two parties wait to see if the case moves forward, let's review some of The Donald's revelations in a deposition taken in December 2007.

The Donald reveals that he determines his wealth in part by "mental projections,'' according to a Wall Street Journal story.

"My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with markets and with attitudes and with feelings, even my own,'' he allegedly said in the deposition. At that time he also estimated his net worth as over $4 billion; maybe even as high as $6 billion counting his 'brand,' by which we think he's referring to his reputation for wearing comb-overs and uttering, "You're Fired." And if you think about it, those traits wouldn't seem to add monetary value to his name.

Generally speaking, I'm a pretty well-informed person and the only thing I know about The Donald is that he's been bankrupt several times, married thrice, recently helped Miss California Carrie Prejean retain her title after racy photos emerged, and is more showman than businessman.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the suit isn't tossed because I'm hoping to learn the secrets to increasing my value through "mental projections," which sounds like The Donald successfully practices The Secret, something I've been less than adept at.

We'll remain skeptical until a trial starts, or until at least The Donald "mentally projects'' a revised version of his "cotton candy comb-over."

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PHENOM

Susan Boyle Makes Her Encore Appearance

THE WORLD FORGIVES HER THE SHAKY START THIS GO-ROUND BECAUSE SHE REMINDED US ALL ABOUT THE DANGER OF JUDGING PEOPLE BY THEIR LOOKS: It makes you the ugly one.

Susan Boyle emerged on stage once more in England Sunday night and received rousing applause from the audience and judges.

Has she permanently stolen our hearts? Or will Brits push her over for an underdog as American Idol watchers did state-side?

Ahh, what does it matter? We all know that, regardless of outcome, both Adam Lambert and Susan Boyle are now household names around the world.

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THE BUSINESS OF WTF!

Tabloid Trash Talk

National Enquirer Covers Its Vainglorious Self, The Price of Celebrities' Shoes Exposed! And More Unbelievable Shit!

DIGGING DEEP INTO THE TABLOIDS EVERY WEEK PREPARES YOU FOR A certain amount of WTF stories.

Celebrities either do a lot of whack shit or the magazines fabricate a lot of whack shit out of photos and "anonymous source" quotes. Whichever way you want to look at it. There are varying degrees of WTF to be had.

The National Enquirer makes most of its money on WTF stories. This week it's a celluloid closet bombshell. Did you guys know Merv Griffin was gay?! And that he had a relationship with Liberace?! AND they had big, gay orgies? Dude! The NE doesn't actually say who wrote this shocking new biography of Merv but they also claim he slept with James Dean, Marlon Brando and a bunch of other actors your grandmother probably swooned over in her youth. WTF?!

The Enquirer always has the poop on scandal and just to remind us is this week’s biggest WTF two-page spread on the “Top 10 Reasons Everyone Should Read The Enquirer.You know times are tough in the print world when the NE runs an extended ad for its own self. Look! We broke the John Edwards affair scandal! But we also write stories shaming animal abusers! We are so versatile! There's a huge picture of Gary Hart and Donna freakin' Rice from 1987. Remember when we told you about this?! Aren’t we awesome bastions of journalism? Sorry, but WTF?

In the glossies you're more likely to find higher end WTF. Price tags on the goods celebrities treat themselves to is always good for a headshake. I wanted to throw my copy of US across the room with their spread on shoes some of these ladies buy. The cheapest shoes on display are Beyonce's $795 Giuseppe Zanotti platforms. Madonna's ugly-ass black, Vutton boots cost $3,785. WTF??!! The worst thing about all of these shoes is that they are fugly. I mean fuckin' ugly. Why would you pay $1,695 for ridiculous looking pink, flower looking shoes, Ciara? Surprisingly the most decent looking pair is on Mischa Barton. But even those are $1,595. W. T. F? Oh, I get it; they get them all for free so the wannabes will buy 'em.

Straight up fashion is a field day for WTF too. There are always lineups of celebrity fashion but this week Star catches us all up on the latest trend: Dynasty fashions, baby! Big shoulders and gold lame back! You know, I knew Lady GaGa's look was familiar. And it totally is Alexis with the hats and the giant earrings. Molly Simms channeled Linda Evans' Krystle in a ridiculous, gold, Dolce & Gabbana number recently. Even Rihanna is in on the 80s action in her fancy, dress-up jumpsuit. The best WTF is the resurrection of big shouldered white lace. It’s a number that not even Heather Locklear in her heyday could pull off. Not even on Dynasty. But Jennifer Esposito did her best in a heinous white, lace blouse. And it's see-through so you can even SEE the big, honking, shoulder pads. Ugh. Shudder. WTF? Why do they do this to us? Why are big shoulders OK again?

My favorite WTF of the week is totally in In Touch. Pages and pages of the usual crap, more Brangelinafer than should be allowed by FDA guidelines. Yadda yadda, TomKat relationship drama. Slut shaming Hayden Panettiere. Blah blah blah. But at the very back of the magazine, on the page before the crossword puzzle there's a little photo story about an orangutan named Suryla and her BFF, a hound named Rosie. And they all live happily in an endangered animal sanctuary in South Carolina. What the fuck??

OK, first of all the picture of Suryla walking the dog is hilarious! It’s like a little, hairy people! But then the two of them and a hot, blond minder are on the back of an elephant named Bubbles! Are they for real with this shit? I would get it if, like, Jennifer Lopez was on the back of the elephant with them but it’s just some chick and her friends the orangutan, the dog and their elephant named Bubbles. Somewhere, Dom Deluise is smacking himself in the forehead. That’s really all Cannonball Run was missing!

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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May 24, 2009

TGIF

In Honor Of Heroes -- And Friday

YEAH FOR THE LONG WEEKEND!

And while you're out barbecuing, throwing down drinks and then throwing them back up, pulling up yard signs, stealing bananas, remember our fallen heroes!

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May 22, 2009

AMERICA, TAKE A BOW

America Gets It Right By Choosing Kris Allen Over Adam Lambert

I'M SITTING ON THE COUCH WAITING TO HEAR ADAM LAMBERT'S NAME CALLED.

The glam rocker with the powerful stage presence has always been the judges' favorite, yet he never did anything for me as a singer. He could yowl with the best rock stars, but his voice lacked range and emotional depth.

Sure he was the ultimate showman; eyeshadow and liner, leather gloves and boots one week, slicked back and tailored suit the next.

And he oozed boy energy, even if all those screaming girls would be forever wanting. He frequently stole the show with stage dramatics that sometimes spilled over into camp. But he seemed to be Simon's pet Idol wannabe, and as usual, where the powerful goes so goes the press.

But there lurking in the pack was Kris Allen, the underdog, the dark horse. He was more boyish, more innocent, less threatening.

He showed up every week wearing a crooked smile, sneakers, just barely-there face fuzz and his aw-shucks charm.

He did not command the spotlight in the same way Adam did. But his performances had more vocal range, and every one was more soulful, more emotionally honest.

Over 100 million votes poured in since Tuesday night's face-off, and I nearly fell off the couch when it was Kris Allen's name -- not Adam's -- announced as 2009's American Idol winner.

Thank you America, you got it right!

The two-hour finale was a star-studded musical festival in its own right with performances by 13 former top Idols, David Cooke, Queen Latifah, Jason Mraz, Keith Urban, Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas, Cyndi Lauper, Lionel Richie, KISS, Carlos Santana, Steve Martin and Rod Stewart. But Kris Allen delivered last night's best performance when he sang No Boundaries at the show's end.

It's been a great season and I can't wait to see what horrible auditions and talented singers the next season brings us in January!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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May 21, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL

The Last Fight: "The Guy Next Door Vs. Guyliner"

TONIGHT WAS THE FINAL ROUND BETWEEN ADAM LAMBERT AND KRIS ALLEN for American Idol 2009.

It's been a long journey for both of this guys, but on the eve of their last performances, both men were feeling confident. "For me, I don't feel too much pressure right now. We've made it,'' Kris Allen said during a press conference Tuesday. "I do feel like we've accomplished exactly what we wanted to accomplish. It's not a competition anymore. We're going to go out there and have a good show."

Adam Lambert ranked his jitters at about a "five… I'll get more nervous right before." Allen ranked his nerves at at about "five or six," and likely bumping up to 10 by showtime.

So how did they do tonight?

Each guy performed three songs: their favorite performance of the season, a song chosen by the show's creator, Simon Fuller and the song No Boundaries co-written by Kara Dioguardi.

Round One: Adam kicks off the show with an encore performance of Mad World. I think this was a great choice, especially since a lot of people missed this performance the first time due to the show going over schedule. I can't say that this performance was as effective to me as it was the first time. Maybe it's missing something or maybe I'm just over it. Randy said "A for Adam." Kara said he rocked it again tonight. Paula said she was unbelievably proud of him and he should bask in it. Simon said maybe it was his long coat or the dry ice but he thought it was a bit over-theatrical.

Hey Simon, it's better than Adam in drag!

Kris' personal pick is "Ain't no Sunshine" on piano and he was a knock-out, both intense and passionate. For me, round one goes to Kris! Randy said it was one of his best performances ever on the stage. Kara agrees, she said if you aren't be moved by a Kris Allen performance, something is wrong with you. He creates an intimate bond with everyone in the audience. Paula sputtered something about how he awakens the spirit in all of us by "Allen-izing" all the songs he sings. Simon said honestly when Kris was announced last week, he thought American got it wrong, but after that performance, he takes it all back.

Round Two: Adam sings Sam Cooke's Change is Gonna Come. Adam's performance was soulful and he nailed all the high notes. This time he wasn't too "over-theatrical" but he was still a little over the top. Randy said he sang his face off and he was unbelievable. Kara said it was his best interpretation of a song to date. Paula said that was best she heard him sing ever…ever…ever. He's going to be iconic. Simon said he was 100 percent back in the game.

Kris sang Marvin Gaye's What's Going On. Kris played guitar this round and did a good job, but sad to say it wasn't as memorable as Adam's performance.

Randy said it was a great song choice but it was too light. Kara said she likes that he has been true to himself and she can see why Simon Fuller picked it for him because Kris has can uplift people. Paula said he tore it up and made Marvin Gaye proud. Simon said he loved the song but that Kris played it like "three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye." He did not grab hold of the song and make it his own, too laid back.

Final Round: Adam added his rock persona to No Boundaries. I thought he sounded pitchy, maybe a little bit out of breath during some parts, but he put a lot of heart into the song. The crowd went wild!

Randy said he can sing the phone book but that was not his favorite performances, it was a little bit too pitchy for him. Thank you Randy! Kara was moved and proud to hear him sing her song. Paula said adjectives cannot express what he has brought to season 8 (I think that's only because she has finally run out of adjectives). She was in awe and she will be a fan forever. Simon said he's not going to judge the song, just him, calls him one of the best, original contestants on the show. He believes he is a star.

Kris finishes the show with a down and mellow version of No Boundaries. Kris showed that you can tone down a song and still make it amazing. I liked his version better. Randy said he should be proud of what he's done in this competition and that song fit his voice better than Adam. Kara said he should be judged not on the song but on him being a compelling artist. Paula said he did an amazing job to end up where he is now. Simon said his highlight was the first song but watching him on stage was incredible and that he deserve to be there.

So tomorrow is the big two hour finale (give or take a few minutes anyone taping the show) I would love to see the under dog, Kris, take the win but I fear that Adam's popularity and mystery will take the win. We'll see tomorrow night!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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May 19, 2009

KELLY KILLOREN SMACKDOWN!

Kelly Killoren Bensimon: The Real Bitch Of New York Housewives

DEAR KELLY KILLOREN BENSIMON:

They really beat up on you on the two Real Housewives of New York reunion shows. But you deserved it. The sniping at you came after an entire season of built up rage at your antics. Bethenny is not the only person to have a problem with you, I do too.

Acting the part of a cockeyed optimist, an attitude that comes with privilege, you seemed so inauthentic… No, stop. I'm not a cast member, I can say it -- PHONY -- this entire season. And you were always chronically late to boot. Not the way to make a good first impression. Many are calling for this to be your last season.

Just because it seems you, and you alone, can command a lane of New York traffic for your daily run that doesn't make you invincible. That's TV.

While the Countess noted that you weren't a girl's girl, that’s ok. But Real Housewives is a girl's girl show. And, from your comments, you didn't know that. Tsk, tsk, ignorance isn’t always bliss, is it? You thought you could go on a television show without checking it out first. Thank God you didn't go on Judge Judy! Or was it that you thought you would bring the fabulous to any show you joined? You just brought the hate.

I understand exactly Bethanny's anger with you. It wasn’t jealousy. Regardless of anyone's socioeconomic position, no one wants to "meet" someone for the first time 10 times. I’ve known people like that. It makes a person feel invisible and no one likes that feeling, it’s hurtful.

Instead of acting like you'd never seen her before in life, she expected you to at least say, "Hey, I've met/seen you before," even if you didn’t remember her name.

I'm also sure you fawned all over her boyfriend at Tommy Hilfiger's. You just seem like that kinda chick.

Ramona told Simon that he was lacking "depth." She also should've called you out on that point.

At the Brass Monkey you pretty much told Bethenny, "I'm a terribly gorgeous, fabulous person (MaxMax wants to date meeeeeeeeeeeee) and you're not anywhere near where I am."

Remember -- "I'm up here and you're down here?" with the hand motions? Nice. She just wanted to have a discussion with you about how you treat people, but since you think you’re perfect you didn’t need to hear that. You never gave her a chance to be more than an acquaintance because you were always interrupted by your self-absorption. I won’t call you a piece of shit like she did but only because I didn't have to interact with you. Acting as if you had no idea what the hell she was getting at was truly false. You knew but you didn't want to hear it. It was bad news that would mess with the unicorns and fairies in your head.

And I don't want to hear about editing. But I will agree with you on one thing, that the arrest doesn’t matter. It was just a blip that I'm sure will add more interest to your resume. Oh, and you do tend to look a bit citrusy. As you would say, "Good job!"

I'm on Team Bethenny.

SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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SCHOOL FOR SKANKS

VH1's 'Charm School' Is More Like Reformatory For 'Bad' Girls

AFTER SHARON OSBOURNE NAILED THAT BUTTERFACED SKANK MEGAN in the face with the wine glass, I was certain that Charm School had been dismissed from VH1's lineup permanently.

So imagine my orgasmIc delight when I heard the show would return for a third season with none other than Ricki Lake as school marm. It was exactly what I needed, because Daisy DeLaHOya flailing her arms and crying like a fucking mental patient was not amusing at all.

Somebody pull this bitch off the stage already. Wah, wah, you have problems. I know.

The main one is that you have two plastic sacks of recycled ass fat hanging off your chest, and another one stuck up under your lips. The other is that you are a moron. There. Now that you have some direction, kindly fuck off and go fix some things.

Anyway, now that the third and apparently final iteration of Rock of Love has aired (at least the versions starring Bret), the girls are desperate to go skank it up for the camera time and free booze again, and VH1 is only too happy to oblige.

This season pits Rock of Love Bus girls Marcia, Natasha, Brittanya, Beverly, Ashley, Farrah, Brittaney and Gia against Real Chance of Love girls Bubbles, K.O., Risky, So Hood, Ki Ki and Bay Bay Bay (I did not make these names up).

I'll level with you, cats. I don't have the first clue about Real Chance of Love. I didn't care to watch that show, mainly because it seemed to be about 495,736 episodes long. Every time I'd see a new promo for it, I'd be all, "That show is STILL ON? But then I didn't care enough to find out and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Whoa, sorry. What were we talking about? Oh, right, so anyway, I don't have much to say about those girls. But it speaks volumes that they were all hanging out and calmly having drinks while the Rock of Love Bus girls were cracking knuckles and tossing out evil eyes throughout the opening credits. One of the Real Chance girls even noted, “We look like ANGELS compared to these girls.” And so the tone was set for the first episode.

Ten minutes in, the girls discover that Brittaney from Planet What the Fuck will be joining them, and they immediately start messing with her. I mean, this bitch was hoarding sweaty socks; don't tell me you wouldn’t have messed with her. To her credit, Brittaney gets a drink and heads outside to mingle with the Real Chance girls, trying her best to avoid the others, including Beverly, who suddenly has turned into a belligerent bully. Clearly, the bar just doesn't have e-goddamn-nough vodka and she's taking out her aggression on the nearest wishy-washy vamp who won't fight on camera.

Naturally, Beverly isn't posing as the only ho with a penchant for overdoing it. Gia the shot glass fucker is here, and she is guzzling vodka fast.

Pssh. Reality stars. They get famous and then they forget the very thing that makes them famous in the first place.

It really takes no time at all for the girls to get rowdy. I think there was a challenge in there somewhere… something about giving up an article of clothing to charity, but that part only lasted about 15 minutes and then everyone spent the rest of the time picking fights. So no one really learned anything that night, except that if you start a fight like Beverly did with Brittaney, you'll get kicked out before they bring out the top shelf shit. Best to keep things passive-aggressive or just childish.

But wait! There's More! Beverly gets kicked out before the elimination ceremony, which means someone else has gotta go. If you're thinking Gia, you'd be right. She is so sauced she can't even stand up straight, and then votes for Ashley to come down to the carpet with her. She's so drunk she thinks they’re picking teams.

Naturally, since calm, cool Ricki can totally smell the Smirnoff oozing out of Gia (like what I did there?), she suggests that Gia find some real help, off camera.

Gia freaks the fuck out, throws her Lucite heels and screams about how nothing’s ever good enough, as if this will get her on Celebrity Rehab or something. What a famewhore. What a mess.

What an awesome motherfucking season!

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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May 18, 2009

JON & KATE PLUS MILLIONS

Tabloid Trash Talk

This Week's Lesson: How Fame & Fortune Can Turn Ruined Marriage Into Entertainment

OH. MY. GOD. TALK ABOUT MEDIA OVERSATURATION!

Jon & Kate are EVERYWHERE this week! Where the hell did these people come from anyway?

First they had some kids, then they had a cable reality show and now they have book deals and tabloid scandals.

From what I can tell they really haven't done anything special besides produce an unnecessary number of children and then cave to media pressure and have their marriage spiral out of control and straight down the toilet. Hell, I could do that. Someone give ME a reality show. Isn't anyone just content to live their lives anymore?

What is the driving need for national attention that everyone's got going on these days?

Who knew back when most celebrities were clamoring for us to respect their private lives and flipping off the paparazzi with wild abandon that there was a little army of average joes waiting to fill the void?

Jon and Kate Gosselin are flag bearers in the ascent of reality (read 'cheap') TV programming.

Their show, Jon & Kate Plus 8 started as a few two-hour specials on Discovery Health in 2006 and became a weekly series on TLC in 2007. Because I don't watch their show, I turned to the Internet for a little more information. According to Wikipedia, the couple were married in 1999 and underwent fertility treatments resulting in twin girls in 2000. Then in 2004, their sextuplets were born, again with the help of fertility treatments. So the show is about parents with eight children. Yawn. It's never sounded exciting or interesting to me so I never watched it. But someone out there must because boy, they are full on in the spotlight now.

According to Star’s "World Exclusive" coverage of their "Twisted Marriage," Kate’s brother and sister-in-law are accusing the couple of exploiting their children and allowing their marriage to fall apart for the sake of fame and fortune. Ya think?

Jon's been spewed across tabloids because he's the type of moron who thinks he can have a secret mistress with a camera crew on his ass 24/7.

Now Kate's brother reveals suspicions that Kate has been getting a little something on the side from her bodyguard.

First of all, why does this woman need a bodyguard? She's got a show about being a mommy on TLC, so her life's in danger?

Whatever the reason, she's got this guy traveling on her book tour with her and everyone seems to think they are a little too cozy together. Kate's sister-in-law also levels charges that she has virtually abandoned her family to promote her book.

According some other dirt her family dishes, her family might be better off with her on the road. She sounds like real bitch. Throwing tantrums, bossing people around, and picking fights with her husband. And now she’s got that deranged, David Bowie hairstyle going on. Maybe Jon would be better off without her?

Before we go any further let’s just run down the reasons that getting a divorce might be out of the question. Reportedly they make $75,000 per episode. Season four ran 41 episodes. Let's do the math: That’s $3,075,000 for that season alone.

Reportedly, Kate charges fans $20 for autographs, $150 per person for personal appearances and makes $3,000 for each speaking engagement on her book tour.

And she’s releasing a cookbook this fall. If the marriage falls apart, the show gets canceled and then they can kiss all that cashola goodbye.

Us Weekly went all the way up to Pennsylvania to get the dirt from their neighbors. Nobody seems to like these people, and no one had anything nice to say about them. Although someone did have a lot to say about this supposed affair Kate is having with her bodyguard. And they also have a lot to say about Kate’s parenting skills. Us’ source says that Kate is a “hands-off” kind of mom and is more likely to have someone else deal with her kids than take care of them herself when the cameras aren’t rolling.

Another thing the cameras aren’t focusing on? They have a “secret” agreement that Jon can have his flings as long as he doesn’t divorce her. What a charming couple.

Us also reveals more financial information about the family. Apparently they get free vacations and handouts from major grocers and their show is ranked #8 in product placement by Nielsen Media Research. Can you smell that reality people? Oh yeah.

As usual, the National Enquirer’s coverage is more salacious, going so far as to quoting someone calling Kate “physically and mentally abusive.” According to this source, Kate is into some real Mommy Dearest shit. “Kate becomes overwhelmed with all the noise (editor: of having eight children,) but she won’t say anything to the kids. Instead she just starts banging pots and pans and slamming the cabinet doors.”

They also have more information on this quiet contract of theirs. Kate’s brother and sister-in-law spoke to the Enquirer too (suck on that exclusive Star!) And reiterated that the Gosselins' marriage is pretty much over but instead of a divorce, Kate agreed to let Jon go out on certain nights of the week and date other women as long as he shows up to tape the show and keep up the façade of a happy family. He even has his own quarters above the garage where he sleeps on the nights that he and Kate are both home. But Jon is the primary care giver to their eight children and sleeps in the house while Kate is out of town. It’s sort of what I imagine The Brady Bunch was like before Mike met Carol.

Of course we can't forget about the children. And Life & Style spoke to a bunch of psychologists who want to remind us, and the couple, that they have EIGHT CHILDREN who they should be thinking about and maybe they should both just STAY HOME and TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN. Emphasis mine.

For the love of all that is holy listen to what the tabloids are telling you, Jon & Kate. Go home, raise your kids, pray for college scholarships and stop forcing us to pay attention to you.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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HERE'S WHAT'S COOKING

AND THE WINNER OF OUR BACON HAIKU CONTEST IS…

WITH THE ECONOMY TAKING, WE WANTED to do our part to get it cooking again. Our method? A bacon haiku contest. We promised the writer of what we voted the best haiku a $100 gift certificate donated by Nueske's Famous Applewood Smoked Meats, acclaimed by none other than the famous New York Times's foodie R.W. Apple Jr.

The end result was less than sizzling with 13 haikus filling our comment box. We deduced that enthusiasm was obviously smothered by the breakout of the unfortunately named "Swine Flu," which slandered pigs worldwide and even empowered the Egyptian government to call for the slaughter of 400,000 hogs without ONE case of the flu in their country. (That was just so wrong.)

But perhaps I'm just greedy for more, more, more when comes to anything having to do with corn-fed greasy goodness!

And honestly and truly, 13 is my lucky number, so I will be grateful for that fortuitous number of haikus. (Born on Friday the 13th!)

So without further ado, we reveal the winners of the 2009 CrabbyGolightly Economic Stimulation Package:

In third place, winning a handy plastic wallet is Mitchel Ahern, our most enthusiastic participant, entering count 'em -- five haikus. Thank you, Mitchel! We had a hard time deciding which of his entries but ultimately we settled on this subtle entry:

Oh bacon sprinkles

Turn my salad into meat
Load my potato

Coming in second and winning 20 U.S. stamps depicting bacon is MongoPhi who captured the fundamental essence of bacon with this entry:

The smell wakes me
Crisp pork in a frying pan
Ahhh, it's bacon time

And, drum roll please, please congratulate NoisyNora for her winning haiku, netting her $100 gift certificate from
Nueske's Bacon, about which one
Amazon.com customer reviewer wrote, "You'll eat this bacon and weep because you'll realize what you've been missing all these years."

The winning entry?

You invade my dreams
I awaken to your smell
Who's frying bacon?

Thanks to all you who played! And to NoisyNora we ask: when are you cooking us breakfast?

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May 15, 2009

YOUTUBE

Her Hair Weave Could Qualify Her As A "Bond" Girl

I LOVE FINDING LITTLE NUGGETS OF YOUTUBE GOLD FROM LOCAL NEWS CHANNELS, the kind of clips that make it obvious that there just wasn't much news on that given day (i.e. "Leprechaun in the Tree"). The elation is comparable to finding $20 in an old coat or a nice note from Mom in your lunchbox.

This one, compliments of a FOX affiliated of course, is a real peach.

Here's the premise: Kansas City resident Briana Bonds didn't think she'd live to see her 21st birthday. When a 40-caliber bullet hit her in the back of her head, her weave prevented it from penetrating her skull. WTF was the weave made from?, a commenter asks. "Kevlar?"

"I’ve been wearing it for years," Bonds explains. "I’ve invested a lot of money into this weave and it saved my life!"

Bonds was shot by her ex-boyfriend, Juan, when she told a friend of Juan's that she no longer loved him. One of Brianna's initial thoughts, she says, was that she's "not even 21 yet." Seriously, we hope that's not because ordering beer legally is the most she has to look forward to.

The bullet grazed the back of her head and drew a little blood, but it was the goopy-ass glue on her scalp that ended its course. The bullet, Bonds says, was hanging in her weave.

"Briana says her main concern now is getting her car window replaced," the reporter said.

While I recognize the seriousness of the incident, sympathize with Briana, and am happy that she is alive and kickin', I have to wonder about her priorities. Your car window, honey? Shouldn't you be more concerned that old boy Juan just tried to murder you?

This story truly is "unbe-weave-able."

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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AMERICAN IDOL

Last Men Standing: Kris And Adam

LAST NIGHT WAS INTENSE ON American Idol. But I didn't have to watch the whole hour to know that it was Kris Allen versus Danny Gokey for the finish.

Kris put on a good show Tuesday night but Danny has never been in the bottom three.

A total of 88 million votes were cast, and only a million votes separated Kris from Danny. And the results are…Kris Allen is in finals!

The dark horse prevails and next week he'll be running against front-runner Adam.

Is there any mystery left? I'm 99.99 percent sure that Adam Lambert's going to win the show; even Simon showed his hand Tuesday.

But maybe I'm wrong. I felt the same way about David Archuleta and I still haven't gotten over the fact that he lost.

Next week's two-part finale starts Tuesday with the winner announced on Wednesday. Who will you vote for?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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May 14, 2009

TV FOR DULLARDS

Like Watching Paint Dry: Jon & Kate Plus Eight

ICAN'T AFFORD CABLE OR THE TIME-WASTING IT PROMOTES. So I only vaguely knew about Jon & Kate Plus Eight because someone had mentioned it on CrabbyGolightly.

Then recently I was at a friend's house and there they were on the flat-screen: This oddly-matched couple accompanying eight children to a ride on Thomas The Tank Engine. Jon seemed like the ninth child. Kate appeared a bit "pitchy" as the kiddies like to say.

The family had the train all to themselves (camera crew included of course.) They snapped at the kids for fighting. They looked out the windows as the train moved. And if my hazy memory serves me there was some conversation about hair brushing. In a word, scintillating!.

Or not. Watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight was like watching paint dry. Or eggs boil. Or clocks tick; choose your cliché. I couldn't fathom why somebody thought this TV-worthy.

Why would I want to watch this when I can walk around the corner and see it in real life? In real life, it's called the tedium of domesticity.

The show only fuels my theory that producers could tape a colony of monkeys sans narration and garner ratings. Perhaps even an ant colony. It doesn’t matter: so much TV is for the bored.

Thank God Congress in its infinite wisdom passed legislation giving the gift of digital TV to big media so that we can get more quality entertainment like this!

And look at the byproduct! Now the tabloids get to generate interest and income covering the fractious days and nights of a reality TV family. Surely Kate and Jon didn’t know what they were in for when the producers came knocking at their door.

But surely Congress did. Wake up, people!

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May 13, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL

A Night Of 'Mad,' 'Dope,' 'Brave' Vocals

TONIGHT WAS THE 300TH EPISODE OF AMERICAN IDOL DURING WHICH three of the most amazing singers competed to be in the finale next week.

Each singers had two rounds: the first was a song picked by the judges; the second the singer got to pick for himself. Some choices were great some were not but overall, the trio turned in mostly great performances.

Danny Gokey kicked off the night by singing Paula's choice of Terence Trent D'arby's Dance Little Sister. Danny didn't know the song and it showed. I wanted Danny to wow me or work for his votes but he did neither.

Randy said he had a lot of energy and it was dope. (But then, so much is to Randy; dude, you've got to find another favorite word.) Kara didn't like his dancing and she didn't know if she would remember this performance tomorrow. Paula said he was a fantastic job and Simon thought the dancing was desperate but that vocally he delivered.

Round Two: Danny picked Joe Cocker's You Are So Beautiful, and he sang it beautifully. Randy said he had mad vocals. Kara said it was stunning.

Paula said he nailed it and Simon said he was a vocal "master class". (I had to look that up.)

I wouldn't vote for Danny on his first song but he definitely earned a spot in the finals based on his second performance.

Kris Allen started his first round by singing OneRepublic's Apologize picked by Kara and Randy. I thought Kris' performance was strong and soulful but the judges didn't really agree. Randy said it was "Nice, Baby, Nice." Kara wanted him to make it more of his own and wished he performed with a guitar instead of a piano. Paula said he had a bum note but she was proud of him. Simon made no comment on Kris' performance and told Kara it was a copout for blaming him for singing the song the way it is. He felt that Randy and Kara should have worked with him on the arrangement. Rawr.

Round Two: Kris picked Kayne West's Heartless. I thought he was powerful and went two for two. Randy said that tomorrow is going to be a tough voting night. He thought it was better than the original and that Kris was in it to win it! Kara said it was bold, brave and fearless. Paula loved that he did something different. Simon thought that his choice was lame and he wrote him off in the competition but that changed.

I personally love both of these performances and feel that Kris should be in the finals but it's up to you, America.

And then there was Adam Lambert. His first song was U2's One picked by Simon. Simon said proudly that it was one of his favorite songs and he had to get permission from Bono so that Adam could sing this. I'm not sure how Bono would feel about the end result. Adam's performance started off nicely mellow but then turned overdramatic (and that's saying something considering his previous dramatic performances.) I did not like this at all.

Randy said he was in the zone though the melody was a little off. Kara said he changed the song to make it unbelievable. Paula said it was brilliant and Simon said he should be in the finals.

Round Two: Adam picked Aerosmith's Cryin' to wrap up the show. I felt this was a much choice because Adam is a rocker and this is a rockin' song. Randy said he was the best ever on the stage. Kara said he was amazing. Paula said he set the bar high. And Simon he said he didn't want anyone to assume that Adam was going to the finals, he wanted people to vote for Adam to go to the finals!

Tomorrow night is the final elimination before the finale next week. Who's going home? I refuse to believe that Adam is going home, but I love Kris and Danny too. Based on tonight, I think Danny should get the cut but he's a favorite and Kris is a dark horse.

Tomorrow's elimination is going to be intense!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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May 12, 2009

AIN'T LOVE QUAINT

Courting Controversy: New Book Says Women Should Marry 'Money'

THERE'S A NEW BOOK OUT ENTITLED, Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped Into the Romantic Dream -- And How They're Paying For It.

The authors contend in an AOL interview that marrying up and staying married is the best financial plan for women.

The way I see it, there is almost nothing practical about marrying at all. But then, I think people with babies shouldn't be allowed on planes and that kissing couples in public are tacky.

Here's my question: can women who marry for money be happy? Can they convince themselves that romantic love is unnecessary and not worth pursuing?

According to the authors, "the most important statistic, over the course of your lifetime, is how much do you make." But what they fail to consider is that the idea of being old, rich and loveless sounds terrifying to most of us. No one says, “forget Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, I want to end up like Miss Havisham in Great Expectations.

People get married because they are young and want a wedding while they look good, because they are pregnant, because they think they won’t find anything better, because they are "in love."

People get divorced because they can't stand to be constantly reminded of their own fleeting delusion.

But divorcing women "don't recognize that, as they age, they're less marketable on the marriage market,” according to Daniela Drake, the book's co-author. Do you seriously think women don't know this?


People have always married for reasons other than love, and people have always believed in love, and that love was the reason they lived, or even the reason they got married.

Many people fall in love, and some of those people have fallen out of love, and, more recently, many of them get divorced. Personally, I'm of the opinion that no one is going to write a book that can change the way all of that works out, again and again, for the rest of time.

N. Stag is a graduate of the University of Michigan and winner of seven writing awards for fiction and fashion-writing. She has written for many websites and currently teaches English.

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EYEPOPPING, GROUNDBREAKING

Hef Picks First African Playmate Of The Year

IDA JJUNGQVISTsounds like some type of fungi, disease or anti-depressant and I guess in a way she's more of the latter.

She's Playboy's first African-born Playmate of the Year.

This begs the question: Is this progress??

Let's explore. According to Wikipedia, Ljungqvist, born to a Swedish father and Tanzanian mother, was discovered working at a clothing store on Rodeo Drive.

She speaks three languages (Swedish, Swahili and English), has a degree in fashion design and marketing, and her father works for UNICEF. Ding, ding, ding! Reeks of entitlement to me.

See, it's not enough for women in the United States to be educated, they've got to have great knockers, a killer-smile and be objectified too. I mean, what good is a degree when you can pose spread eagle in a school-girl uniform?

Think about it. Ida came here after traveling to other countries including, Cambodia, Thailand, France and the U.K. and after arriving in the United States decided that posing ass-naked in a world's famous men's magazine was the thing to aspire to.

She grabbed the bull by the horns and became Playmate of the Year. Well, I for one am proud of the girl. She won a $100, 000, a car and a big bottle of Patron. And you thought exposing your bare breasts while riding a horse in a cheerleading outfit didn't pay off! Figuratively speaking of course. (Scoff). God Bless America!

Shakenya Jackson boasts she is among Chicago's finest writers. She enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

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May 11, 2009

COUPLES WEEK

Tabloid Trash Talk

Careless Whispers on Reese And Jake, Brad And Ang, Johnny And Vanessa And More!

RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD ENOUGH FOR US REGULAR FOLKS, deciding who takes out the garbage and how to properly fold bath towels. But none of us plebs have photographers following us on shopping trips the way In Touch followed Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllanhaal to the farmer's market in Ojai, Ca. And we don't have buddies who tell tales to tabs.

One of Jake's "longtime pals" told the magazine that the couple has been living together in Reese's farmhouse. Nice job, pal. I'm guessing your invite to their next party is going to get lost in the mail.

Us Weekly followed the couple to his sister Maggie's wedding in Italy. And compliments of the paps, we now have pictures of the celebrity brother of the bride lying on the beach nibbling Reese's ear.

I can't imagine why they try to spend all of their time in a farmhouse far, far away from photographers as possible. If there were people taking pictures of me canoodling every time I left the house I would stay in too. And also to avoid the use of the word canoodling.

Us has also been reporting on Jon & Kate Gosselin's marriage problems. The last name may not be familiar but surely you know Jon & Kate Plus 8. I don't know what they'll call the show if they get divorced, and I'm sure that their notoriety and her book tour are part of what's keeping them together. But this guy seriously is the stupidest man on the planet. You can't have a secret girlfriend when you have cameras following you around everywhere, asshole.

I'm sure their eight children will cherish all of these photos of their dad drunkenly embracing co-eds and videos of him sneaking out of his lover's house which will now forever exist on the internet.

OK! has turned the Vancouver set of New Moon into a scene of drunken debauchery and celebrity romance. The stars they interviewed paint a picture of a family vibe but OK tries to make it sound more like they're kissin' cousins. They are still working the Robert & Kristen sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g angle from last year. This photo of Pattinson and Stewart on the cover makes them look like the dirtiest people ever. Seriously, if you guys want to do something romantic you should wash each other's hair.

It must be great, though, when a magazine comes to your movie set and all they want to talk about is how hot your costars are and who you're sleeping with. In a separate interview with New Moon co- star Ashley Greene OK doesn't even pretend they care about the production. All of the questions are about how The Sparkly Vampire is dealing with fame and how hot the werewolf boy is now that he works out all of the time.

Obama isn't the only politico getting the paparazzi treatment! The National Enquirer keeps up its Gossip for Grandparents image with a story about former presidential candidate John Edwards' mistress demanding a DNA test on the baby she claims to be his. Classy.

Edwards' overpriced, nice guy haircut hasn't been able to protect him from this scandal and his wife is taking her pain public with a book. I guess this has successfully killed any political ambitions for Edwards. If he follows the guidelines in the 2009 issue of the Disgraced Politicians Handbook he can be on next season's I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!

Everyone's favorite relationship train wreck is still Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The Enquirer reports that it is shaping up to be the nastiest split in Hollywood history with six digit settlements and custody battles brewing. While most of the mags are reporting that Brad is tired of the Daddy Daycare routine, The Enquirer reports he will most likely request custody of his biological children. Who needs a divorce lawyer when you can just let the tabloids sort is all out for you?

Of course, In Touch's cover story this week is about how Brad and Jen Aniston may be rekindling their romance by daring to spend some time talking! There they go again, trying to have private lives when people are paid to stalk their every move. It just can't be done.

I am glad I wasn't housekeeper at their place when Angelina confronted him about this clandestine car ride around Manhattan with his ex-wife.

Reading all of these stories with their anonymous sources and telephoto shots makes Johnny Depp seem like the sensible one. And when the hell has that ever happened? While filming his new movie The Rum Diary in Puerto Rico, Johnny, Vanessa Paradis and their kids are living on a yacht! Talk about privacy, they can just cruise on out of paparazzi range any time they want. You're a wily one Johnny. That's why I like you.

I don’t know what they'll call the show if they get divorced, and I'm sure that their notoriety and her book tour are part of what's keeping them together. But this guy seriously is the stupidest man on the planet. You can't have a secret girlfriend when you have cameras following you around everywhere, asshole.

I'm sure their eight children will cherish all of these photos of their dad drunkenly embracing co-eds and videos of him sneaking out of his lover's house which will now forever exist on the internet.

OK! has turned the Vancouver set of New Moon into a scene of drunken debauchery and celebrity romance. The stars they interviewed paint a picture of a family vibe but OK tries to make it sound more like they're kissin' cousins. They are still working the Robert & Kristen sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g angle from last year. This photo of Pattinson and Stewart on the cover makes them look like the dirtiest people ever. Seriously, if you guys want to do something romantic you should wash each other's hair.

It must be great, though, when a magazine comes to your movie set and all they want to talk about is how hot your costars are and who you're sleeping with. In a separate interview with New Moon co- star Ashley Greene OK doesn't even pretend they care about the production. All of the questions are about how The Sparkly Vampire is dealing with fame and how hot the werewolf boy is now that he works out all of the time.

Obama isn't the only politico getting the paparazzi treatment! The National Enquirer keeps up its Gossip for Grandparents image with a story about former presidential candidate John Edwards' mistress demanding a DNA test on the baby she claims to be his. Classy.

Edwards' overpriced, nice guy haircut hasn't been able to protect him from this scandal and his wife is taking her pain public with a book. I guess this has successfully killed any political ambitions for Edwards. If he follows the guidelines in the 2009 issue of the Disgraced Politicians Handbook he can be on next season's I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!

Everyone's favorite relationship train wreck is still Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The Enquirer reports that it is shaping up to be the nastiest split in Hollywood history with six digit settlements and custody battles brewing. While most of the mags are reporting that Brad is tired of the Daddy Daycare routine, The Enquirer reports he will most likely request custody of his biological children. Who needs a divorce lawyer when you can just let the tabloids sort is all out for you?

Of course, In Touch's cover story this week is about how Brad and Jen Aniston may be rekindling their romance by daring to spend some time talking! There they go again, trying to have private lives when people are paid to stalk their every move. It just can't be done.

I am glad I wasn't housekeeper at their place when Angelina confronted him about this clandestine car ride around Manhattan with his ex-wife.

Reading all of these stories with their anonymous sources and telephoto shots makes Johnny Depp seem like the sensible one. And when the hell has that ever happened? While filming his new movie The Rum Diary in Puerto Rico, Johnny, Vanessa Paradis and their kids are living on a yacht! Talk about privacy, they can just cruise on out of paparazzi range any time they want. You're a wily one Johnny. That's why I like you.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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COMMANDER IN CHEEK

Chief Jester Skewers Himself, Washington's Elite

NOTHING IS MORE EVINCING OF ONE'S CHARM AND POWER THAN THE KNACK FOR SELF-EFFACEMENT.

President Obama proved he's got stockpiles of charm and cheek at the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner Saturday night.

No one escapes his zingers, least of all himself as he mocks his dependence on the teleprompter, the First Lady's flaunting of her buff arms, Hillary Clinton's primary loss, Dick Cheney's shooting accident, former Harvard President Larry Summers' impolitic comment about women in science, Rahm Emmanuel's salty language.

I could go on but why when you can watch it for yourself.

He keeps this up and even I, who took great offense at the runaway Obama idolatry during the presidential campaign, may keep the Kool-Aid handy.

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May 10, 2009

MOTHER'S DAY

They Twinkle Twinkle, My Little Stars

I REMEMBER HOLDING MY STOMACH the day before he was born, knowing I would miss being able to keep him inside me.

The Sunday before, I'd fought hard, and won, in a hand-raising contest for whomever had the youngest child. I still have that flower somewhere. He was born at 8:13 PM, and weighed 8 lbs 13 oz, on 05/10/05. It's been like that ever since.

When I sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," it's always to him, even as I hold his little brother. He is a star, my wondrous Angelface, and he'll be four today.

He asks us all the time if we know how much he loves us. "How Much?," and his arms swing as wide and high as his body will allow. I am "all stuffed up like a turnip," as he would say, with the love I have for him.

The little brother, he is something else entirely. Literally. He is smaller, he is more graceful, and he is cuddlier.

Just a few weeks ago he finally gave up the last of his babyhood and weaned himself from the only food I can ever really provide by myself. He is becoming himself more everyday. Talking and spinning and asking questions. Still he is like my other arm, or extra heart, so close sometimes I forget he's there. That makes watching him grow away from me even more astonishing.

And then there is the new one, ever growing inside, just starting to flutter and wiggle and say "Hi" from its happy pond. We find out who's in there on the 18th, and just yesterday, as I sat looking through a crafting book at little girl things, our newest heart began moving wildly. Are you telling me something? Who are you going to be?

It was the first time in this pregnancy that I felt the awe of this process all over again. Closing my eyes, I just let the little flutters drown out the world.

I get my first handmade Mother's Day gift today, and I'm so excited my heart pitter-patters when I think about it. For one of the three to finally be able to make me something with their little hands is amazing, but creating them is the job I was meant to have.

Mz Ell is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.

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KLINGON LINQUISTICS

Coming To A Galaxy Near You Soon: An Opera In 'Klingon'

LANGUAGE, ACCORDING TO LINGUIST AND ALL-AROUND INTELLECT NOAM CHOMSKY, results from formulaic rules that govern all human verbal communication. One such language, only spoken by 100 or so people fluently, is Klingon.

Mark Okrand, consultant for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, wrote the audiobook Conversational Klingon 25 years ago. Klingon follows the universal rules of grammar and syntax, and therefore can be spoken as well as any "real" language.

Proof of this is the newest project to come from the Klingon Terran Research Ensemble: An opera called, simply, u, which performs part of Klingon mythology. The ensemble has been writing the opera for the last year with the "ambitious goal" of holding future performances.

I heard about this serious endeavor on NPR.

I think the best quote, from Okrand himself, is, "People are translating the works of Shakespeare into Klingon. They're translating all kinds of songs. I saw someone perform Alice's Restaurant in Klingon, which was amazing. I saw people doing a riff on Abbott and Costello's 'Who's on First?' and people who didn't even understand the language got the joke."

I've never seen Star Trek, only found out about the new movie few days ago, and I don't plan on seeing it. (It's a prequel and therefore has no Klingon in it anyway). But if u makes it way here, maybe I'll put that on my calendar.

Because even though u the idea sounds alien, as Jorn Weisbrodt of the Byrd Hoffman Watermill Foundation in New York explains, "it really is the result that matters, and I found the result quite fascinating and interesting and strange and weird."

N. Stag is a graduate of the University of Michigan and winner of seven writing awards for fiction and fashion-writing. She has written for many websites and currently teaches English.

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May 09, 2009

OUT OF THIS WORLD

The New Star Trek Goes Where No One's Dared Traveled Before

BEFORE I GET THIS REVIEW UNDERWAY, let me confirm a few things.

One -- I am not a Trekkie. Amazingly, I had never seen an episode of Star Trek or any of the 10 previous movies until about two years ago.

Not because I didn't want to; I just never really had the time to learn about the universe and all it entailed.

Two -- I am not a fan of J.J. Abrams. I find him to be completely overrated. Lost is probably one of the worst shows currently on televison. In fact, the only movie of his I actually liked was Mission Impossible: III.

At least, until today.

Star Trek is the definition of hit-or-miss franchise, the best in my view being Star Trek 2: The Wraith of Khan, Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock and and Star Trek 4: The Journey Home.

In the latest, the series travels back to the early years of James Tiberius Kirk to reveal his rise to the rank of captain of the Starship Enterprise.

Fear not though, all of the regulars are here: Spock, Uhura, Sulu, McCoy, Chekov and "Beam Me Up!" Scotty.

This flick memorializes the start of their beautiful relationship.

And the movie is friggen amazing, a high definition, techicolor trip to deep space.

J.J. Abrams goes beyond what's necessary to keep Trekkies happy while making the trip accessible for new fans who have never even seen the original TV series.

With plenty of homages to fans' favorite situations -- such as famous quotes and Vulcan grips -- Abrams also manages to toss in references to his own series, specifically Alias. See if you catch them.

The movie's visual effects jettisons the film eons ahead of the TV series' corny stage sets, while still paying homage to some of the classic situations from the TV series: fight scenes with Sulu, Chekov being "transported," Scotty practicing high-tech medicine.

I'll be seeing this movie often before it leaves theaters; but I still don't think I'll be donning Spock ears.

Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

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May 08, 2009

FOR REAL

Sci Fi Remake Is The 'Final Affront' For True Trekkies

MY LATEST ADDICTION-INDUCING VIDEO subscription is to TheOnion.com.

While I could sit for hours (literally) laughing my balls off (not literally) at the news videos, one caught my eye in terms of timeliness.

The topic? The new Star Trek film, which opened yesterday around the country. The premise? Real Trek-fans are disappointed that the new film is "fun" and "watchable."

One costumed fan asks: "Where was the heavy handed message about tolerance? Where was the stiff acting?"

Another is perturbed that the story line "made sense."

Yet another proclaims, "If I wanted to see young, attractive people doing cool, exciting things, I'd go watch sports."

No wonder the fans feel betrayed.

Another issue for the Trekkies is the fact that the Klingon's dialogue is subtitled, a production decision which allows any Joe Plumber who isn't versed in the imaginary language to be in on the secret.

The new film also features alien battle scenes that "don't just look like two out of shape guys in bad makeup fighting awkwardly."

To console fans, Paramount issued a assuring statement to Star Trek's disgruntled fan base, which reads: "We stand behind this film and firmly believe that in a few years, it will seem just as dated and cornball as
previous Star Trek films."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to surf the site for hours for videos of presidential candidates who are more grizzled and ornery than John McCain, as well as round-table discussions about the
effects of pornography on children.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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May 07, 2009

DEBATE THIS, GOVERNOR

Amsterdam Teaches That Police -- Not Pot -- Makes You Paranoid

CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER is calling for a debate on the state's marijuana policy. According to a Sacramento Bee story, a recent poll found "56 percent of registered voters support legalizing and taxing marijuana to raise revenue for cash-strapped California." The issue has also been raised as a finger to help stop the leakage of California's deficit dyke.

But debate? Really, Guv'nr? I'm about talked out on the subject.

Schwarzenegger also said we should explore drug policies in other countries. I guess he's never been to Amsterdam, where smoking cannabis is somewhat licit.

While every place you visit can seem wonderful, Amsterdam really is special. Great architecture, friendly people, diversity, canals, sex and weed. What else do you need on vacation? I don't need a beach or acres of woods. I'm a city chick and I felt at home. Only instead of going out drinking like at home, we went out smoking.

The "coffeeshops" where marijuana is sold and smoked are forbidden to sell liquor. So we smoked, sipped coffee and cocoa and chatted on colorful couches with folks from around the world.

No worry about drunks spilling drinks on us as they wound down the steep, narrow staircase at the Abraxas Coffee Shop, our particular favorite (shout out).

The mood was always upbeat with no loud, slurring voices raised in anger. We'd see folks who looked like they were just coming home from work buying their packages, pocketing them and going home to "relax." You got to compare the product, smell it, feel it and buy in various price ranges. It was positively surreal.

We smoked in our hotel room, then walked the streets without a care. We went from a coffeeshop to the Anne Frank house. We strolled from a bar to a coffeeshop to the open market a couple of blocks away to buy fruit for lunch. We sucked on marijuana lollipops while taking a canal tour and bought T-shirts, humorous rolling papers and pipes in the shops. Someone we met lent us bikes so we smoked and pedaled (I was absolutely astounded at number of bicycles on the roads). We didn't smoke constantly but we smoked a lot.

No one smoked on the streets. We saw a careening police car once but there was not a big police presence anywhere except maybe the Red Light district. It took us a day or two to realize that instead of police there were cameras -- everywhere. We quickly got used to them, we weren't doing anything wrong.

Sound subversive or dangerous? What the hell are we waiting for? Why are we still classifying marijuana as a gateway drug? Alcohol kills more people, blah de blah blah. On and on it goes, an endless "war on" that's making somebody rich, and it's not the state of California.

Come on, Governor. You've smoked it. If I ran down the list of productive folks who toke on a constant basis I'd be here all night. We need more balls than debate right now and you can lead the nation. I know this is asking a lot but I read where you don't want to run for office again. Just think, you can go out in a blaze, no pun intended, of glory.


SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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THE GREAT DEBATE

Is Marijuana The Medicinal For America's Money Ills?

I'VE ALWAYS FELT THAT IF SMOKING MARIJUANA WERE LEGAL, I'd stop drinking completely. Munchies aside, the calories I'd save from not consuming Guinness when out with friends would confine the six-pack to my abs.

Facing massive budget deficits, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has muscled his way into the debate over legalizing pot.

"I think that we ought to study very carefully what other countries are doing that have legalized marijuana and other drugs," the Republican Governor said Tuesday, "and what effect it had on those countries."

>In my view, the decision to legalize marijuana is a no-brainer: taxing sales of the drug could infuse an estimated $1.3 billion in revenue for the nation's most populous state and would redirect law enforcement's resources toward more serious crimes.

Already 13 states have passed legislation decriminalizing possession of small quantities of pot. A similar bill awaits passage in Washington State's House of Representatives. Legalizing the drug is the next logical step to end the losing war on drugs.

At its simplest, the debate over the legalization of pot is a control issue.

In my town, people of any and all ages are forced to present identification when buying liquor. It always makes me laugh when an aging grandmother gets carded when buying her fifth of generic vodka.

The mayor wants to control underage drinking. He believes that getting people to present their identification cards every time will do this. But if someone wants to drink, he will find access to alcohol, and the same is true of marijuana.

If the government would legalize marijuana -- with obvious restrictions on age, driving and quantity -- maybe America's flailing economy could fly high again from the financial benefits. I'd gladly pay tax to get it.

So fire-up a doobie; I'm ready to head over to California and debate on the affirmative side.

Chicagoland writer Cory Fosco is a graduate of Northwestern University's master's in writing program. He spends his time with his wife, two children, and Rex the dog. You can read his blog at A Year Till 40.

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May 06, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL

Allison's Gone But There's 'No Doubt' She's A Rocker

GIRL POWER'S OVER!

Tonight was another surprising elimination on American Idol. I was certain that the bottom two vote-getters would be the non-rockers Danny Gokey and Kris Allen. But to my surprise, Kris was the first to be called safe.

Adam Lambert was next to be called off the ledge, leaving Danny and Allison Iraheta on the plank.

I was about to turn off my TV and call it a night. I was sure that Danny was going home with his ear-shattering performance last night. And Allison is a natural rockin' chick.

But, America, you did me wrong. Allison was voted off! And it didn't even matter that No Doubt's Gwen Stefani rocked the house out with her anthem to girl power, Just a Girl.

I thought Allison would go the distance against Adam. But no, the last of the girls is gone, leave three guys standing.

"I know -- I know -- that I'm going to be playing you on the radio real soon," Ryan Seacrest told Allison as he bid goodbye.

I still believe Adam is going to win this but the surprises keep coming, so who knows?

Next week the remaining three contestants sing the judges' choices and a pick of their own.

Will Danny pick a song he doesn't scream? Can Kris break out the humble mode and impress the judges and America? Will Adam continue to dominate? We'll find out next week as the show nears the end. !

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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SUB CULTURE

Cory Kennedy: Giving The 'It Girl" One More Chance

IT GIRL Cory Kennedy hasn't gone away. She's still around, still partying, still young.

Cory is famous for no reason other than her style and friends ever since she interned and dated photographer Mark Hunter. She is one of four sisters including a twin, Chris (sadly, not an identical, and judging from her lack of press, not one to replace the insatiable twin mogul title of "Next Olsens") and a younger, even longer-haired Cody, who dates Gene Simmons' son 18-year-old son Nick, (the only reason to watch Gene Simmons' Family Jewels).

I first became interested in Cory's ascent from intern to icon after I saw her on The Cobra Snake and found a link to her blog. I reestablished a fascination in her after she asked me for a cigarette at a party DJed by Lindsay Lohan and Steve Aoki. Later, while reading her blog entry for that week, I noticed she'd gone to quite a few parties that night …and didn't even mention the one I had attended.

After a few months of following along, I became sick of big T-shirts and tight jeans. I'd been so inspired, and then I was tired. I'd all but lost faith faith in the "model" or "socialite" or whatever she was, until something told me to give her blog just one more chance. I was not disappointed.

I saw pictures of her in Doc Martens and a Chanel suit (fitted pants, of course), better pictures from the Maison Martin Margiela show than those on Style.com. And to top it all off, pictures from a Slipknot show.

Cory Kennedy! At a Slipknot show! I can only imagine. In the same post: front row press photos of Cory sitting next to LiLo at the Charlotte Ronson show. My sense of irony somersaults at the thought.


N. Stag is a graduate of the University of Michigan and winner of seven writing awards for fiction and fashion-writing. She has written for many websites and currently teaches English.

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AMERICAN IDOL

Idol's Reigning King & Queen Rule Over Night of Rock

I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL!

Tonight's American Idol theme is my favorite genre of music, and Rock Legend Slash is mentoring the Idol wannabes. But with Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta at home with the theme, Kris Allen and Danny Gokey need the most help.

Tonight's show started off with Ryan Seacrest announcing there was an accident on the set so the rockers didn't get much time to prepare before air time.

With the pressure on, here's how the night played out:

Also, feel free to skip Paula's commentary as Anderson Cooper does while watching the show. (And he's supposed to be an unbiased newsman!)

Adam Lambert started the show with his first performance of Led Zepplin's Whole Lot of Love. I wasn't feeling the love.

I thought Adam's performance was a bit stale and plain but that may have been because Slash told Adam to focus more on the low notes than the high ones. The judges loved it.

Randy said he was a Rock Star tonight, Kara one-upped him by saying he was a Rock God, Paula said he was "a whole lot of perfect," and Simon said no one can top it. So let's call the whole thing off?


Allison Iraheta sang Janis Joplin's Cry Baby I thought it was perfect for Allison because she has the rock and soul to pull it off, but the judges didn't agree. Randy didn't think she was great and didn't like her song choice. Kara said that Janis was the right choice, but that she should have picked a different tune. Paula said she was fearless and Simon said she was confident and had great vocals but she played it was too much like the original.

For once Allison stood up for herself and said that she didn't want to play things safe. Everyone cheered for her and I think maybe she's safe.

The show tried mixing things up by having duets so Kris Allen and Danny Gokey sang Styx's Renegade together. I thought that they were good but kind of lowkey in a lot of parts. Randy said that they complemented each other and the harmony was great. Kara said they had some pitchy moments but they were strong. Paula said they were powerful and compelling. And of course Simon cut to the chase: "Danny was better than Kris." Ouch.

Kris Allen sang the Beatles' Come Together. I though he had a good performance. Not amazing but still good. Randy liked that it came from a non-rocker, Kara said it was not great and he was trying too hard, Paula said it was risky but he put his imprint on it, and Simon said it was like eating ice for lunch. I think Kris will be in the bottom but I don't think this is the performance that should send him home.

Danny Gokey screeched Aerosmith'sDream On. This is one of my favorite Areosmith's songs and the first one I ever learned on guitar; Danny's singing ruined those great memories forever. This song was not the right choice for him, and his high note at the end made me turn away from the TV in pain! Randy gave him A plus for effort. Kara said he added edge but he took it too far, Paula said it wasn't the right song but she was still a fan of his. Simon said the last part was like watching a horror movie, but nevertheless thinks he'll still be safe tomorrow. I'm going to disagree with Simon and predict Danny's packing for home tomorrow.

The show's closed was a duet of Adam and Allison rocking out Foghat's Slow Ride. He was ying to her yang and they put on a great show. Randy said they were they bomb, baby! Kara said it was the Rock God and Rock Goddess pushing each other to do great. Paula said they were made a perfect marriage (too bad she's not Adam's type!). And Simon said they won the battle of the duets, giving them a chance to stay in the competition with that performance.

My guess is tomorrow the bottom two will be Kris and Danny and I think Danny's going home. Let's see tomorrow night!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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May 05, 2009

THE FEMINIST

Rihanna Gets Tough

BEFORE SHE GOT SMASHED IN THE FACE, pretty young thing Rihanna was routinely snapped by the paps in sleeveless or backless sheaths that showed off her smooth skin. She wore her femininity like a prize coveted by the men and media who like their prey young and sweet.

A different Rihanna emerged Monday night at the Met's Costume Institute Gala.

Amid the denizens of beauty, Rihanna choose to wear an interpretation of a men's tux with poofy sleeves.

Gone for the moment was her innocence, the vulnerability. It was as if the penguin suit was a suit of armor, and the exaggerated shoulders gave the perception of more brawn.

The Chris Brown affair has cost Rihanna her innocence. But there's a byproduct: she is smarter now, no fool for men. She may never use the word, but she is on her way to becoming a "feminist."

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YOU ARE NOT INVITED

The Met"s Costume Event: A Bevy of Beauties & One Bat Out Of Hell

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES WHEN WORDS FAIL NEXT TO PHOTOS.

Does anyone really want to read about the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Gala when they can size up the winners in nanoseconds?

Here's the blather in a graph: the party is hosted by fashion's high priestess Anna Wintour; dinner tickets start at $7,500; the best tables fetch $250,000; the money benefits the Costume Institute, whatever the hell that means; and unless you're rich, famous or beautiful you can't get in. 'Nough said.

Here's what you really want to know: model Bar Rafaeli dazzled in a barely-there silver dress; Emmy Rossum exuded urban sophistication in a long gray gown that flaired at the bottom; Madonna looked like something that flew out of hell; Tyra Banks' hair made her look like a deer caught in headlights; Kate Bosworth emanated classic elegance in long black gown with sheer back and sleeves.

Dare I say it but the two celebrity Jessicas -- Alba and Biehl -- looked perfectly pedestrian among the haute hotties. And Kate Moss looked almost matronly with her her hair tied up in a turban.

We hope that enough money was raised to ensure that yet another fabulous soiree is held next year to make the rest of us feel insignificant.

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THE PROOF IS IN THE PANCAKES

Wrestling With Faith, Finding Evidence On The Griddle

CROWDS OF THE CURIOUS AND THE FAITHFUL are trekking to Las Palmas restaurant in Calexico, Calif. where the cook says he has seen an image of Our Lady Of Guadeloupe on the grill.

Now I've seen depictions of the Virgin, and I've seen pictures of the amoeba-shaped inspiration, and I've concluded that perception really is personal.

Capturing the lunacy of the moment is this Associated Press photo showing Mexican wrestlers in costume visiting the blessed appliance.

Are times so bad that we find faith in an amorphous shape on a griddle?

Um, I guess so.

I don't mean to mock. And I'll confess that I even keep rosary under my pillow. But if the Virgin of Guadeloupe wanted to send a sign, do you think it would be one so nebulous?

Maybe I'm just cynical. Maybe she just wants to let the world know how good Las Palmas's pancakes are.

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May 04, 2009

COVERING THE COVERS

Tabloid Trash Talk

Oprah And Brangelina Approach Their Expiration Dates

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE COVER IS WHAT SELLS magazines. Big names = big bucks.

So Oprah on the cover of The National Enquirer this week makes sense. She is the reigning Queen of TV and millions of people (mostly women) snatch up everything associated with The Big O.

And apparently she's really, really big. The National Enquirer says she's hiding a medical emergency from her fans and reveals that experts predict Oprah only has three years to live!(!!!)

Apparently the problem with her thyroid has gotten so out of hand that she needs to have the gland removed in order to control her weight.

Dr. David "Death Calculator" Demko calculated that the talk show hostess will not live to see her 60th birthday if her weight continues to yo-yo, and if she doesn't figure out how to control her cholesterol and blood pressure. Of course, any surgery has its risks and the big risk involved in having your thyroid removed is vocal cord damage.

Now the world loves fat Oprah and the world loves skinny Oprah. And the world would canonize dead Oprah. But what would the world do with mute Oprah? No talk show, no radio show, how can she possibly advise us on how to follow our dreams, read the right books and wear the right clothes if she can't talk?

Would all of Harpo Studios go mute as well, communicating only with raised eyebrows and Twitter messages? Would her show take on a whole new format, Quiet Contemplation Hour with Oprah Winfrey? I don’t know, I think Oprah would prefer death to not being able to hear herself talk. She's made a lot of money being fat and loud.


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie sell a hell of a lot of magazines and the only thing that sells more mags than their international adoption brigade is rumors of the super couple splitting up. This week In Touch reports "Brad Takes The Kids." No, he did not abscond with their two oldest to another country. He hasn't moved out of any of the number of houses the couple share with their brood. He took Pax and Maddox up to Niagra Falls with his parents for a wet ride on the Maid of the Mist.

The magazine reports that being the primary care giver for their six kids while Angelina is shooting her latest movie is taking its toll on Pitt. Six kids is a lot for anyone to handle. But Brad and Angelina have all the help in the world. And if years of mega-stardom and having the paparazzi flashbulbs trained on his every move haven't driven him completely insane I really doubt that a few weeks keeping his kids is going to be the death of him.

To be fair, for someone who has said on a number of occasions that her family is her first priority, Angie sure does keep herself busy on movie sets. If Brad had put his career on hold to play Mr. Mom I might be able to see how he could be upset. But the IMD (Internet Movie Database) lists 12 projects that Pitt has in development so I'm sure that a month from now we’ll be hearing reports that Angie is leaving Brad for the exact same reason.

.
OK! lures the readers with hottie hunks on the cover. OK, I guess “hottie” is a relative term because John Mayer is not what I would call “hot,” I don’t really care if Jennifer Aniston thought he was a wonderland. He looks greasy to me.

#1 on the A-List Guy List is Mr. Sparkly Vampire himself, Robert Pattinson, so I guess the tweens are still the ones with all of the disposable income. Fellow New Moon-er Taylor Lautner is also on the list and then there are a bunch of old dudes. Entourage’s Adrian Grenier is on here and reportedly loves looking at himself. If I had such pretty eyes, I probably would too. Clooney, of course (blah blah blah looks for a regular girl blah blah) and Idris Elba, who is new to the A list (go watch The Wire right now!) and is pretty frakin hot, and British so he’s got the accent to go with the looks.

Simon Cowell, Ryan Seacrest and David Cook are all on the list which is bullshit. Does anyone think any of those guys are hot? Do people still watch American Idol?

Shia LaBeouf closes out the list and he’s cute. But every time he opens his mouth he sounds like a douchebag and that is a total turn off. He’s also young enough (at 22) to still want “fun girls to hang out with.” So I guess I should take apart my secret shrine because my idea of fun is watching episodes of Freaks and Geeks with a large pizza.


Reggie Bush must have a lot of pull over at Life & Style because his girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, is on their cover in a bikini. I’ve never watched her show so I don’t know if she has some redeeming social value that I am not aware of but most of her assets are on display in this 100% unretouched photo shoot. Besides the cover there are only three photos of her by the pool and then some photos of other female celebrities talking about their cellulite. Fascinating, do go on Tyra.

Kim’s got a new workout video for sale and I know my body has problems but my butt ain’t one of them and if I’m actually going to work out it’s not going to be so I can get an ass like a Kardashian. Be proud of your genetics ladies, that’s fine, just keep ‘em out of my pool.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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CHAPTER EIGHT

Home Again

IT'S LATE, AND SANDY IS EXHAUSTED. THE FOOD, set out in an appetizing buffet style in the dining room, has grown cold and congealed.

The TV moans softly and Sandy awakens on the couch, wipes a little spit from the corner of her mouth, and gently nudges Kathleen out of her warm couch cocoon and into her bed. Emily stirs. "Shh," Sandy tells her. "Go back to sleep. I’ll put you in bed in a minute."

Whirr, ka-chunk. Whirr, ka-chunk. The oxygen machine is still going strong, and, in a way, so is Anthony. He's sleeping somewhat peacefully, with an occasional gasp letting forth from his embattled torso. Sandy peeks in to make sure his chest is still rising and falling. She exhales deeply, reassured for the moment, and heads down to retrieve Emily.

I watch him sleep for a moment, and then he opens his eyes, as if he knows I'm there, lurking in the quiet, waiting and watching. He can't say much, but I know what he's thinking: Is it time?

I can't tell him anything, of course. He has to just wait; even if he's so ready to leave his body he can't stand it. This is the cruelest part, where you are stretched, helpless, between this world and the next for an indefinite period of time. Where your relatives begin to worry whether you're sleeping or dead. Where you wonder when it will finally end. Where your children begin to panic about how they'll manage on without you.

And that's what Sandy's worrying about right now. With David out of the picture and these two young girls needing constant attention and guidance, who will be the man in their lives? Who will be able to guide them -- and more importantly, HER -- like Papa?

As if I were answering her from above (I wasn't, but she’ll look at it that way), in walks Bobby with a frazzled Beth in tow. Her coat is ripped and her dirty blonde hair is standing up oddly in some places. A faint cologne scent follows her inside.

"My wife is completely pissed at me, Sandy. She's not coming," Bobby tells her, giving Beth an irritated sideways glance. Beth looks at the ground, not in the mood to talk. For once.

"I figured THAT out about two hours ago, but thanks for the update," she replies sarcastically. "Now quiet down. I just put the girls in bed." She looks squarely at Beth.

"I don't think she has much to say right now," Bobby offers. "Let's get something to eat, huh?"

"Where's Dad?" Beth asks meekly.

"Upstairs, sleeping. Don't bother him with whatever tonight’s issue is, Beth. He’s struggling to breathe and needs to relax."

Beth rolls her eyes. "You just don’t understand. You've already got the kids and stuff."

Sandy, exhausted, doesn't even want to discuss Beth's comparison of their lives. They’re both a mess, she reasons.

It's at times like these where I ache to make myself seen or heard. But it's not possible. I can only watch, and that's the hardest part. I may have done things differently if I'd known I would have to be the one to take away Anthony from our kids. But that's the thing about life. You don't -- can't -- know. There would be no surprises, good or bad. And if there are no surprises, if you already know the outcome, then what is the point?

"Do you even want me to bother you with what happened, or can we just forget it?" Bobby asks.

"Forget it. Really," Sandy replies, scooping some pasta onto a plate. She began to eat like she hadn't in months, mouthful after mouthful. It tastes just like I had made it. Sandy had finally recreated my sauce, perfectly. She smiled to herself and then licked a red glob of tomato from the corner of her mouth.

My children surround a large oak table covered in food. Bobby is already unbuttoning his pants, just like he used to do when I'd make gnocchi. "Brava, Mama," he'd say, and then burp loudly. Tonight, though, there's a pronounced silence, as if they know. But how can they know? Maybe I’m just picking up a sense of dread, of the inevitable.


I head upstairs and overhear Beth remark on how depressing the evening has become. As I get closer and closer to Anthony’s labored breathing, I couldn’t agree more..

Miz J, is a frequent contributor to Crabby Golightly. Signs From Above commemorates the loss of her grandmother, who recently died after a long struggle with cancer. Many people asked her to send signs after her death, to which she scoffed, "That's not how it works." Or does it?

Check out Miz J's blog at Miz J

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May 03, 2009

PLAN B

Amy Fisher Redux: Still Serving Up Stupid For Her Man

LAST WEEKEND WAS NIRVANA FOR ME. A rainy Saturday afternoon with nothing to do and The Long Island Lolita on the telly.

While dusting I gazed back and forth to the TV as gum-chewing cutie Alyssa Milano protrayed Amy Fisher as a 16-year-old seductress to goofy auto mechanic Joey Buttafuoco, played by scenery devouring Jack Scalia.

"Lolita" is one of those movies I can watch any rainy weekend. Like the Burning Bed with Farah Fawcett or A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick story that stars Meredith Baxter Birney, I can never get enough of an entertaining Lifetime or Lifetime-like movie.

The Long Island Lolita tells the story Fisher, who gained notoriety at 16 when she fired a gun point blank at her married lover's wife's face. Said wife, Mary Jo Buttufuco, lived and the teenage tart served 7 years in prison for assault.

Joey Buttufuco appeared in the tabs now and then for one dustup or another. And Amy and Mary Joe met again on television in 2006.

The movie reminded me that I had read something about Amy now being a "dancer." Of the exotic kind.

Then I saw a photo of the real Miss Fisher a week later on the cover of Xbiz, an adult industry trade mag The juvenile temptress is all grown up. The photo accompanying the story shows her crouched, booty out, hands on thighs, in a red and black lingerie ensemble, a long lion-like mane of dark hair, heavy makeup and the requisite pout.

I did some research and it turns out that she's written award winning newspaper columns in Long Island and a book about her experiences. And she's married with two kids. That's, so, so…Long Island. She didn't go to Vegas or Cali. She stayed in her hood and tried to live a normal life. Except, she also did a sex tape with her husband Louis Bellera in 2007.

Since the sex tape didn't seem to hold or focus the public's attention on this new incarnation of Amy, she has decided to "jump full force into adult with a website, feature dance tour and more video content." She's appeared on Howard Stern, Maury, Star Jones and Playboy Radio. She previously aired a pay-per-view special that she claims was so successful she’s going to do a series of them.

I don't know how much of this is her or more the hubby. It's just a feeling I got after viewing an online interview she did with dancer "Miss Bunny" at an AVN convention in 2008. Captioned as just "Celebrity" she confessed to being a bit embarrassed by the tape at first, that she didn’t know her husband was going to release it. So hubby was taping their sex, which is ok. But if my husband just went out and sold tape of us having sex without my knowledge I'd go fucking ballistic. But, of course, once she sawr it (she is from Long Island) and I guess it made some money her attitude changed. The 33-year-old also wants to look back 30 years from now and say about herself "I was hott!"

Is that enough of a reason why a Long Island mom with two kids and a notorious past would want to put herself out there like that?

So I went to the tape.

This is where working at the porn palace comes in handy. A login and two clicks later I'm watching Amy and her husband Lou having sex.

Her boobs are fake which she has freely admitted, and she’s in great shape; her husband’s older with slick silver hair, nice body, virile. I guess that’s her type.

The beginning bathtub scene was a mite painful to watch. I'm guessing she's not a good dancer. She's stiff at times, as if she’s been asked to do this. Not sexy at all. She says all the right things but doesn’t seem to be really enjoying herself. Kinda like Paris Hilton’s tape (it was research!) It's how I imagine Dina Lohan or Jill Zarin look like in a sex tape. It also made me wonder about her cluelessness regarding the tape. There’s a pattern to porn and the couple seemed to be following it. And him staring at the camera or something else while she's sucking him off and begging him to come on her tits, not good.

But because of where I work I suggest that…it really is worth watching! Probably more than once!

I wish Miss Fisher much success on her tours and with her movies. She’s done her prison-time, done the family-time and now it’s mom-time. Maybe she can star in a porn remake of her story. Hustler is moving along this vein with its TV-spoofs This Ain’t Gilligan’s Island, Not Three’s Company, and Not The Bradys. I’d like to see “The Long Island Lolita Shoots Off.”

SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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May 02, 2009