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Tabloid Trash Talk

OK!, National Enquirer Condemn Celebs For Not Keeping Their 'Social Contracts'

By Vegas Vegas

WE'RE WAY PAST PAPARAZZI BURNING FLASHBULBS FOR SNAPS OF CELEBS LIKE Frank, Dino, And Sammy Davis Jr. Now thanks to the weekly tabs we get to know what celebrities eat, what they throw up, which bathroom stall at The Ivy they prefer to snort their drugs in. And, of course, the multitude of ways in which celebs are not living up to their end of the fame-and-fortune bargain.

This week, Star literally lays bare flaws in a six page photos spread of female celebrities caught without their makeup. Unsurprisingly they are, for the most part, still a pretty damn good looking bunch of women.

Miley Cyrus is criticized for leaving her house looking "just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teen girl!" The horror! My God how could a 16-year old girl just leave her house like that, with no makeup on?!?!

And Halle Berry, 42, you should know better! We don't care if you are raising a one year old daughter, we expect you to be shiny and sparkling at all times!

Jennifer Love Hewitt actually looks a little less frumpy without all of the eye makeup and lace gee-gaws on, and Kristin Stewart looks like a burnout. But -- she looks like a really well made-up burnout when she lets a makeup artist do her up.

Jennie Garth and America Ferrera both look a lot younger without all of that crap on their faces. Beyonce? Bitch please. Beyonce's face is doing makeup a favor when she puts it on.

OK! ends the long debate over what sizes our favorite stars are wearing. I know I wasn't really able to enjoy Jennifer Aniston's performance in Marley And Me because I was so distracted over what dress size she is. It's a 0/2, in case you had a burning need to know.

I buy all of my jeans on sale at Old Navy but apparently fancy, designer jeans come in fancy, designer sizes. Tori Spelling wears a size 25 but J-Love Hewitt's hips require a size 27.

Kim Kardashian claims to wear a dress size 2/4. How she squeezes that T&A into a 2/4 I have no idea. But I guess , in Kim's case, it’s not so much that we’re fascinated by her because she's a celebrity. She's a celebrity because, for some mysterious reason someone, somewhere, is fascinated by her. Who is that person again?

The National Enquirer feeds our obsession by cataloguing the best and worst of celebrity diets.

Janet Jackson carries the story's heaviest baggage after packing on the pounds. Janet's a yoyo from the old school.

Beth Ditto, who fronts rad band The Gossip, tops out at 230 pounds. She's proud of her Body By Botticelli but has looked better than she does in the hot pants and sequenced top she's rocking in the Enquirer photos.

At the other end of the spectrum Tori Spelling's waist line has been making headlines for a couple of weeks. She looks like she's wasting away but claims we're all just confused because she's been pregnant twice and that we've all forgotten what she looks like when she's not carrying baby weight around. I don't know about that Tori, I can't say I ever recall being so familiar with tendons in your arms before.

Kate Bosworth is another Skeletor but there's no “before” picture for her because she's always been a stick.

Monica Lewinsky is featured too but I'm not sure why. She was always on the pudgy side; now she’s even more pudgy? But so is Bill Clinton so I guess they're even.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.