YOUTUBE

Billy Mays Couldn't Sell It Any Better

ONCE THE STALE NOVELTY OF CHUCK NORRIS IS FINALLY SHED, Billy Mays ushers in another sardonic subject for Urban Outfitters literature.

Billy Mays, of course, is the bearded champion of nifty infomercial products such as OxiClean. YouTube group Jabo0ody Dubs takes it upon themselves to liven the infomercials of Billy Mays.

My personal favorite, the most quotable, is Mighty Putty. This video highlights the "fuckin, green to white technology" by which the Mighty Putty activates. Ever notice how all of these products have some kind of glamorized "new technology"?

Billy Mays boasts that Mighty Putty's strength can outdo even Optimus Prime. Your fat ass break a chair? Fix it with Mighty Putty! "You get the idea."

Honorable mention is the cleaning product Kaboom. This "fantastic product" alleviates the stress inherent with people pooping in the tub, having sex in vases, and eating spaghetti in the shower. Kaboom, baby.

Other good Billy Mays dubs are for the Neverscrub, a device that goes into the tanks of toilets, with "continuous cleaning that is continuously cleaning" and a fetish-loving woman to endorse it; Hercules Hooks, perfect for hanging "hundreds of fifties of pounds of shit" on your wall; and Zorbees, which is not unlike Sham-Wow, the super-absorbent product endorsed by manic hooker-beating Vince Shlomi.

The appropriation of and creation of meaning for suicide-inducing infomercials? Priceless. Thanks, Jabo0ody Dubs.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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April 30, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL

Someone Check The Numbers! Adam Lambert Cuts It Close

WAS THIS A JOKE? Last night's American Idol's elimination ritual shocked -- and probably appalled -- some viewers.

As Allison Iraheta and Danny Gokey stood on one side with Matt Giraud and Kris Allen on the other, Adam Lambert was asked to choose his expected company.

But when Adam went to stand with Allison and Danny, Ryan Seacrest directed him to stand with the night's bottom dwellers Kris and Matt!

That's right folks, Adam Lambert was among the lowest vote-getters this week!

Ryan quickly relieved Kris to safety and the audience was left to guess who would go. Of course that person was Matt. How Adam got to be in the bottom, I don't know but he certainly wasn't going home tonight.

Matt was saved once before but now his time was up.

Things heat up now that we're down to the final four. Next week will be rock week with guest mentor Slash.

I know Allison and Adam will roll right with that theme, but can Danny and Kris handle it? Can't wait to find out!!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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MEL'S CHANCE AT REDEMPTION

Mel Gibson's New Lady Friend Is...Octomom?

IS IT US OR DOES MEL GIBSON'S NEW LADY FRIEND LOOK LIKE OCTOMOM?

SAME long hair, same dark eyes, same upturned nose, same suspiciously puffy lips.

Wouldn't surprise us: Mel has always adored a large brood, having seven of his own with wife of 28 years, Robyn Moore.

EW reports that Mel's new girl is really Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva, but we think Nadya Suleman would make a better choice.

Just think of the sympathy he would engender? Think of the PR wars he would win!

He could distract us from his Catholic no-no of an impending divorce, and boast of helping someone in need.

Because is there anyone who could use Mel's help -- and millions -- more than Nadya?

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April 29, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL

A Tight Race To Lead The 'Pack'

TONIGHT THE FINAL FIVE WERE CHALLENGED WITH EVOKING THE SWINGING STYLE OF THE RAT PACK.

When think of Rat Pack music, I think Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. I wonder if the kids can pull off such crooning, and if this week's mentor Jamie Foxx can help them add the soul and heart to the swing.

Kris Allen sang Sinatra's The Way You Look Tonight. I thought Kris did a great job but he didn't any of his own flair to the song. Randy thought it was his best performance to date, Kara said he was the dark horse in this competition, Paula thought he was impeccable and Simon thought he played it safe. I think Kris will be safe tomorrow.

Allison Iraheta delivered soul to Someone To Watch Over Me. Allison handed in an amazing performance and I think she owned the stage. Randy said she was the bomb, Paula thought she was alluring and tender, but Simon thought her performance was great but that she may be in trouble. I think Allison is going to go far on this show, and if she does end up on the bottom tomorrow, she's not going anywhere!

Matt Giraud sang My Funny Valentine well. I think this genre of music suits his style. Randy thought it was pitchy and gave it a 6 out of 10. Kara didn't feel an emotional connection, Paula did and Simon disagrees.…with Randy! He said Matt was believable and "brilliant,'' and he could tell that he loved the music. Is there a chance Matt could be in the bottom tomorrow?

Danny Gokey sang Come Rain or Shine. Danny brought a jazz feel to the song and he had a powerful, strong finish. Randy loved it, Kara said he had "swag," Paula said he was stellar, and Simon said he was outstanding. Danny's safe for now.

Adam Lambert wrapped up the show by rocking out Feeling Good. This song is one of my favorites and Adam blew me away. Randy said he was in the zone, Kara said he was shockingly good, Paula said better than good, and Simon can tell that he wants to win because he steps it up every week. Adam is going straight to the top.

I thought everyone tonight was pretty good and I haven't a clue who's going to be sent packing tomorrow. What do you think?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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April 28, 2009

DISSING MILEY

What The Fly On The Wall Told Us About Jamie Foxx's Apology to Billy Ray

JAMIE FOXX: Hello?

Billy Ray Cyrus: Yea?

Foxx: This is Academy Award-winning, Grammy nominated singer/songwriter, comedian extraordinaire Jamie Foxx.

BR Cyrus: You cocksu --

Foxx: Wait a minute, blame it on the alcohol!

BR Cyrus: No, you wait a minute! You slick, slimy, S.O.B --

Foxx: But I'm a comedian!

BR Cyrus: How's telling my daughter to catch chlamydia off of a bicycle or to become a prostitute like my ex-girlfriend, and I use the term girlfriend loosely, Lindsay Lohan funny?

Foxx: (chuckles) Yea, I remember those days. That damn Lohan. You remember that trick she used to do? She called it the…

BR Cyrus: Lolita?! Ha, yeah. [collective sigh and chuckles]

BR Cyrus: Back to the point! Tell that shit to my achy-breaky heart okay?

Foxx: Look, I totally understand where you're coming from, I have a daughter myself as I explained on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

BR Cyrus: … What? Are you plugging yourself in this apology?

Foxx: I'm deeply hurt by that insinuation. All I meant was that sometimes my comments may be a little Unpredictable, like my last Grammy-award winning album of the same name.

BR Cyrus: (breathing heavily) Are you shitting me?

Foxx: Hell no, no. I mean, use your Intuition as a father. Out here, when I'm on my satellite radio station, Foxxhole, I feel like a SOLOIST with Robert Downey Jr. or something…

BR Cyrus: That wasn't even smooth!!

Foxx: Listen, I'm not saying I'm a Golddigger…

BR Cyrus: Hanging up…

Foxx: OK, seriously, hear me out. I apologize again, man, sincerely.

BR Cyrus: Are you done yet?

Foxx: Yea, that's pretty much all I had to say. [Goes into Ray Charles impersonation] It pretty much reminds me of this time in Georgia… Geo --

[Line goes dead] Miley: Who was that, Dad?

Billy Ray: That damn Foxxhole piece of shit.

Miley: Oh my God, he called you? You didn't tell him anything…

Billy Ray: Oh, for Pete's sake! If the goddamn chain smoking and 20-year-old boyfriend doesn't give away to the world that you're a 27-year-old playing a wacked-out teenager with multiple personalities then so be it.

Miley: Thanks Dad.

Billy Ray: For the last time, call me B. Rae, much like the alter-ego self-title of my upcoming album: Cyrus: Serious Circus.

Miley: For Pete's sake, you sound like a cracked-out version of K-Fed! I'm going to the strip club to pick up some new moves for the sex tape.

B. Ray: Miley!

Miley: Dad, it's a smoking suggestion! You're no one in this town until you get publicly.

Shakenya Jackson boasts she is among Chicago's finest writers. She enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

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MUSIC SCENE

Stealing Backstage At 'Peter, Bjorn & John'

IT'S FOUR DEGREES OF SEPARATION THAT WHISKS ME BACKSTAGE AT A PETER, BJORN & JOHN CONCERT in Chicago. It's the second time I'm seeing the SWEDISH trio live and it's hard to believe it's the same band dismissed by Entertainment Weekly as "shamelessy earnest adorable."

The Peter, Bjorn & John rocking at Metro is more punk than the "pure featherweight, percussion-driven synth-pop" that Leah Greenblatt portrays in her March review.

As the Stockholm trio ratchets up the noise, particularly on the band's newest single Nothing To Worry About, "indie rock" is much more dominant than the "pop" tag.

"Live, we do rock out,'' said Peter Morén, 34, lead singer and guitarist for the Stockholm-based trio shortly after performing in the band's fourth gig on a 12-city tour around America. "But the records are more pop than the live shows."

Three years after the band catapulted to fame with their whistling anthem Young Folks, the band is hopscotching the states for a brief tour promoting its just released album, Living Thing before returning this summer to open for the influential 80s' New Wave band Depeche Mode.

The night before, after performing in Milwaukee they partied at a private club where did the "Chicken Dance" to gain entry. "That's a fun little city,"' Morén says of Milwaukee.

The band performs tomorrow in New York (4/29), then in Brooklyn (4-30), Philly (5-1) and Washington, D.C. (5-2) before heading home to Sweden.

"Especially now that I travel a lot, I love to come home,'' Moren says during a brief conversation stolen from him after last week's show in Chicago. He admits "I miss my girlfriend and I miss my little dog." The girl is "Christine"; the dog is part Cocker Spaniel.


This is the tenth year that Morén, Björn Yttling and John Eriksson have performed together and experience and success have made touring easier. " The shows get more fun because you're better. You get used to the touring life," he said. When he first started out, he "couldn't sleep, couldn't relax" while on the road, Moren says.

It's clear he's graduated from anxiety as I interrupt him reading the local free paper on the tour bus shortly before hitting the stage. And he generously indulges me in a chat only minutes from exiting the stage.


I tell him that a local reviewer said the band's breakout "Young Folks'' had one of the best baselines of the last two decades; he seems nonplussed. "It's a good baseline. I haven't really thought about it,'' he said. "You just want to make more music."

That's music on their terms, thank you very much. Last year, on the heels of their hugely successful third album, Writer's Block, which Rolling Stone ranked as among the top albums of 2007, the band released their fourth and entirely instrumental album entitled, Seaside Rock, which Peter has said "was an important record to make" because it helped the band find its bearings.

"Success was a big change for us, because before it was more like a hobby,'' Morén told Exclaim. " And then suddenly it became your day job and you actually made some money, and then you have to see the other guys all the time rather then in your free time. It was a lot of tension, it wasn't all happy times. And that's why it was really good for us to go into the studio and do this album. It was almost therapeutic."

Their latest offering, Living Thing, has been interpreted from everything as an "uneasy, bracingly honest soundtrack to life after fame" (Spin, 4 stars), to "border[ing] on the narcoleptic," to "more of what made Young Folks (2006) an international hipster anthem: infectious electro -- acoustic tunes framing tales of romance and its discontents." (Rolling Stone, 4 stars).

But whether it sounds different or more of the same, Morén admits the trio is a "very eclectic band…We always want to do something different than the last time around."

Opening for Depeche Mode fits that bill. The band is "excited and a bit scared…I think we're pretty similar in a way. I'm not sure if they think so, but we're really excited and flattered." As for the future, Morén said that the band plans on making more "punky...power pop."

Harder, faster, better? Can't wait.

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THE PROVOCATEUR

Bea Arthur, Dead At 86, Captured The 70s' Zeitgeist

WE CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR DIGGING UP THIS YOUTUBE CLIP of Bea Arthur singing a duet with Rock Hudson. The credit goes entirely to EW.com, which warns it's likes "entering some gay bizarro meta-verse where carefree socialites harmonically chortle about amyl nitrite."

This 3:22 minute clip gives a glimpse into the alternative universe in which kids grew up in during the 70s. Network telephone shows broadcasted odes to pharmaceuticals while The Brady Bunch's dad recommended mother's little helpers in that series'first episode!

But that was before the advent of Ronald Reagan's "Just Say No" campaign, the rise of conservatism and the spread of prisons as a growth industry.

And just as Isaac Newton hypothesized every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the 80s was the answer to the earlier decade.

Bea Arthur was the provocateur par excellence. I remember as a kid watching her on Maude as she anguished over the decision to have an abortion. What was shocking even then was not the dilemma but that television and Bea Arthur actually dared to explore that gut-wrenching predicament over the airways.

No one since or before has filled her shoes.

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April 27, 2009

SUPERFICIALLY SPEAKING

Tabloid Trash Talk

OK!, National Enquirer Condemn Celebs For Not Keeping Their 'Social Contracts'

WE'RE WAY PAST PAPARAZZI BURNING FLASHBULBS FOR SNAPS OF CELEBS LIKE Frank, Dino, And Sammy Davis Jr. Now thanks to the weekly tabs we get to know what celebrities eat, what they throw up, which bathroom stall at The Ivy they prefer to snort their drugs in. And, of course, the multitude of ways in which celebs are not living up to their end of the fame-and-fortune bargain.

This week, Star literally lays bare flaws in a six page photos spread of female celebrities caught without their makeup. Unsurprisingly they are, for the most part, still a pretty damn good looking bunch of women.

Miley Cyrus is criticized for leaving her house looking "just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teen girl!" The horror! My God how could a 16-year old girl just leave her house like that, with no makeup on?!?!

And Halle Berry, 42, you should know better! We don't care if you are raising a one year old daughter, we expect you to be shiny and sparkling at all times!

Jennifer Love Hewitt actually looks a little less frumpy without all of the eye makeup and lace gee-gaws on, and Kristin Stewart looks like a burnout. But -- she looks like a really well made-up burnout when she lets a makeup artist do her up.

Jennie Garth and America Ferrera both look a lot younger without all of that crap on their faces. Beyonce? Bitch please. Beyonce's face is doing makeup a favor when she puts it on.

OK! ends the long debate over what sizes our favorite stars are wearing. I know I wasn't really able to enjoy Jennifer Aniston's performance in Marley And Me because I was so distracted over what dress size she is. It's a 0/2, in case you had a burning need to know.

I buy all of my jeans on sale at Old Navy but apparently fancy, designer jeans come in fancy, designer sizes. Tori Spelling wears a size 25 but J-Love Hewitt's hips require a size 27.

Kim Kardashian claims to wear a dress size 2/4. How she squeezes that T&A into a 2/4 I have no idea. But I guess , in Kim's case, it’s not so much that we’re fascinated by her because she's a celebrity. She's a celebrity because, for some mysterious reason someone, somewhere, is fascinated by her. Who is that person again?


The National Enquirer feeds our obsession by cataloguing the best and worst of celebrity diets.

Janet Jackson carries the story's heaviest baggage after packing on the pounds. Janet's a yoyo from the old school.

Beth Ditto, who fronts rad band The Gossip, tops out at 230 pounds. She's proud of her Body By Botticelli but has looked better than she does in the hot pants and sequenced top she's rocking in the Enquirer photos.

At the other end of the spectrum Tori Spelling's waist line has been making headlines for a couple of weeks. She looks like she's wasting away but claims we're all just confused because she's been pregnant twice and that we've all forgotten what she looks like when she's not carrying baby weight around. I don't know about that Tori, I can't say I ever recall being so familiar with tendons in your arms before.

Kate Bosworth is another Skeletor but there's no “before” picture for her because she's always been a stick.

Monica Lewinsky is featured too but I'm not sure why. She was always on the pudgy side; now she’s even more pudgy? But so is Bill Clinton so I guess they're even.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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April 26, 2009

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Singing Sensation Susan Boyle Admits She's "Never Stopped" Kissing

HER SAUCY SWISH OF THE HIPS in the direction of Britain's Got Talent judges ought to have told us that there is more to Scottish spinster Susan Boyle than meets the eye. Isn't that what she herself told the judges as she gyrated on stage?

"And that's just one side of me!,'' she said as she confided her age (47) to Simon.

Now her secret's out!

When she confided to the cameras backstage that she had "never been kissed,'' Boyle was fibbing.

"That was made as a joke!," Boyle said on the U.K. morning show GMTV. "Never been kissed? I've never stopped."

After her dazzling performance, which has now been viewed more than 100 million times worldwide, an amazed Simon told her, "Susan, you are a little tiger, aren't you?"

Oh gawd, Susan, with your admission now you've gone and unleashed the dogs!

At this very moment, as the world witnesses of the prime of Miss Susan Boyle, there are probably tabloid reporters digging up any dirt that exists on you.

Broken hearts? Love affairs? Unpaid taxes? A taste for Scotch?

You can be sure that it's all coming soon to a tabloid near you.

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April 23, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL

The Race Tightens: Lil Rounds, Anoop Are Out

THEY WASTED NO TIME REVEALING THE FINAL THREE CONTESTANTS ON TONIGHT'S AMERICAN IDOL.

Lil Rounds's time was finally up! Hooray!

I have nothing personal again Lil, but she wasn't putting out the past few weeks, and ultimately her lack of artistry lost her standing in the race.

Also at the bottom of the vote pile was Anoop, which was expected and…Allison! What?

I would have bet money that Matt would be the one face extinction this week but apparently America disagreed with me.

So who went home? Tthe good week/bad week Anoop or the powerhouse rocker Allison?

Goodbye Anoop, you will be missed!

Just five Idols left!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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April 22, 2009

LAUGH OR DIE

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AMERICAN IDOL

Can't Have Nobody But Adam Lambert?

DISCO, UGH!

I have never been a fan of disco music. It died for a reason!

But this was a good opportunity to see the contestants in a new (black?) light. I figured if any of the contestants can actually make me want to boogie, then they really have what it takes to become an American Idol.

Lil Rounds started the show with Chaka Khan's I'm Every Woman. She tried her hardest to liven up the crowd, but alas she was flat and boring. Randy said she got the party started but she didn't show what kind of vocal control she had. Kara said she was waiting for her to do something like Chaka, yet she could have waited longer. And Simon thinks this will be her last week. I've said this many weeks before and I'm hoping this will be the week that Lil Rounds goes home.

Kris Allen turned Donna Summer's She Works Hard for the Money into an amazing modern, hip song. Kara tried to talk over the cheers by telling him that he took a huge risk with that arrangement and it paid off. Paula said he had a classy Santana feel, then rambled on about shopping in the woman's department. Oh Paula. Simon said it was original, well thought out and NOT karaoke. And Randy said he was ready for the big time. I think Kris is safe.

Danny Gokey sang Earth, Wind and Fire's September. It didn't work for me. It was too disco so he didn't change it up for me to enjoy it. Randy said it worked for him, Kara was worried but she thought he had a solid performance. Paula says he has one of the sexiest voice and Simon agreed with everyone but he didn't think he had star power. I'm not sure if his performance was good enough to stay but he may be safe.

Aliison Iraheta rocked out Donna Summer's Hot Stuff. I thought she brought a soulful rock and rock vibe to the song but her performance was just OK. Randy didn't love the arrangement but he said she was one of the best singers in the competition. Kara agreed with Randy. Simon said she came into this week as an underdog but her performance was brilliant. Allison will be fine tomorrow.

Adam Lambert mellowed out Yvonne Elliman's If I Can't Have You. His performance was sweet and downplayed the whole disco feel. Randy said he was ready RIGHT NOW and he had it majorly going on. Kara said he was brilliant and inspiring. Simon said he did something unexpected, original and immaculate. Do we need to say it? Adam isn't going home tomorrow.

Matt Giraud ironically sang Staying Alive after being given a second chance last week. I thought his performance was uninspired. Randy didn't like the arrangement or the song. Kara said he brought disco back, Paula said he saved himself with his performance, and Simon delivered the punch that he needs to get out of "Idol Land" and into the real world. Sorry Matt, I think you may be in the bottom tomorrow and no one can save you.

Anoop Desai sang Dim all the Light by Donna Summer. Good but not great. Randy said "Nice Baby Nice!" Kara said it was a great song choice and he did better this week then he did the last two weeks. Paula loved his look. And Simon disagreed with everyone and said it was mediocre at best. Anoop may be seeing the bottom of the three yet again.

Tomorrow night two people will be eliminated. It will be a rough night for the Idols, and rough for me if Lil Rounds survives again.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. Check out her blog, Hey, Look Behind You!

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April 21, 2009

SIZZLING IDEA

Our Economic Stimulation Package: A Bacon Haiku Contest

TRENDSPOTTING

Tabloid Trash Talk

Imaginary Brad Pitt Sightings, Mel Gibson's Divorce And Spring Romance Are All The Rage

SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF TIME READING THE TABLOIDS and you'll begin to notice certain trends. For instance, there's always an odd man out on coverage of big name stories. This week, while OK, Us and Life & Style are reporting on the tizzy Long Island carpool moms are driving themselves into over Brad Pitt dropping his kids off at their tawny North Shore school, Star has a source telling them that no one has ever seen either celebrity parents at the school.

The unnamed informant claims it's always the bodyguards dropping the kids off! (These poor kids are like gypsy vagabonds with money.) The real kicker: that tip's part of a larger story is about Angelina being pregnant AGAIN!

According to Star, Angie feels her sexiest when she's pregnant so she's putting the romance back in their troubled relationship by baking another bun in the sexiest oven on the planet. It makes reading the rags even more interesting when they contradict …

each other.

Life & Style's cover story is an exclusive interview with Octomom Nadya Suleman. She tells the magazine there's no truth to the rumor that she's signed a deal for a reality TV show about her infamous brood. Rather, she calls it "creating documentaries about the lives of my children."

Us Weekly begs to differ though and quotes Suleman's lawyer, Jeff Czech, claiming that she "Will Do a TV Show!," but doesn't want it "blown out of proportion." Snort. Please. Pretty much everything this woman has ever done has been blown out of proportion.(Oh, and by the way, she's seeking trademark of her media moniker Octomom.) Of course, every week there's one piece of news that everyone latches onto like a dingo with a baby. This week it's Mel Gibson. Specifically his impending divorce from wife of 28 years, Robyn. More specifically, it's about his $900 million net worth and what will happen to all of that money with no prenup in place. Won't someone please think of the money! Us, Star and OK all ran the same photo of the couple at a black tie event. Gosh Robyn, I hope you like that dress because now the world has seen you in it. And Mel looks properly sauced so I guess that proves the whole drunk, philandering asshole point of the story, doesn't it?

Us' story is six pages of doomed relationship and rehashes all of Mel's past debaucheries. The National Enquirer, prefers to remain optimistic and quotes Mel's lawyer as betting they will keep the marriage together. This optimism is couched in a bigger article about celebrity divorce attorneys spilling all of their secrets, so I don't actually know if "optimistic" is the right word to use.

There are also seasonal themes. It’s spring so everyone’s talking about looooooove. Star has a photo story about celebrity matchmakers setting up their famous friends. Did you know Diddy is the one who introduced Ashton to Demi? How fucking random is that?

And OK has a story about sexy, single celebrities. Katy Perry (of ridiculous concert costume fame) and Robert Pattinson (of sparkly vampire fame) were voted #1 Most Eligible. Maybe they should just get together. Can you imagine? His hair, her costume flair? It's a match made in tabloid heaven.

Life & Style went with the celebrity lesbians in love angle. Chef Cat Cora and her partner are pregnant. Both of them! At the same time! Can you imagine the hormonal nightmare that house must be right now?

And Us, dedicates pages each week to love. This week Sarah Michelle Geller and Freddie Prinze Jr. are expecting their first child. Into every generation a Slayer is born and this might be it!

The National Enquirer really doesn't celebrate romance like the other magazines do though. Unless you're turned on by this story about the chick who swallowed her engagement ring in a chocolate frosty and then waited to poop it out so she could wear it. And, you know, if that turns you on, then I've got nothing to help you.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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April 20, 2009

CHAPTER SEVEN

Desperation

A PERFECT STORM WAS BREWING back at Two Eleven North Campbell. Ella found some court papers, a formal letter from the firm and a few bounced checks, and she was waiting, fuming.

She was planning to move back to New York to live with her mother. The kids would come with her, and they'd forget they ever knew Greg Bollardi. She would change her name back to Smith, and hopefully, return to anonymity in the upstate suburb she’d grown accustomed to.

Hmm, she thought, Ella Smith. It'd been a while since she'd responded to that name. She'd have to get used to it again, and teach Brittany how to spell it. Brian, in the second grade and already ridiculously smart (if a little high strung), would probably just fall in line, and pick up right where he left off, albeit with a new name.

She sipped her wine slowly, trying to calm down long enough to wait for Greg to walk in. From the picture window in the living room, she could see his car up the street, dropping off Mrs. Olson and the demon cat, and that strange woman who cruises down Campbell every now and then. Her car was parked out front, flashers still blinking and bouncing off the yellow hydrant at the curb. What was she even doing here? Ella wondered.

It was at this point that she got her answer.

"Thanks for the ride…Greg?" Beth said in a kittenish voice, warming up to this handsome man who’d graciously stepped in to help her. Like a knight in shining armor, she thought to herself. I rolled my eyes at my youngest daughter.

"I would not have been able to deal with her alone."
"No problem," he answered, flashing his dazzling smile as Beth got in the front seat and he backed up the block toward her car. He parked parallel to it, and she leaned forward and kissed his cheek.


Ella, a little drunk and filled with anger, did not hesitate to run outside and confront them both. Bobby called the police as he pulled up to our old house, completely confounded by what he saw: a strange woman with short brown hair, flailing her arms and slapping her husband's face as Beth stood and watched. It seemed to Bobby as if Beth were enjoying what she was seeing, and he wondered to himself if maybe Cynthia might be right about her.

"A mixed-up, misguided drama queen," Cynthia had called her the other day. When Deb repeated it, I had a little laugh at Beth's expense. Where was this fucking cat she supposedly hit? he wondered. "BETH!" Bobby yelled to her. "Get in the car, NOW."

It was like she couldn’t -- or wouldn't -- hear him.

"YOU STOLE FROM WORK AND NOW THEY'RE GONNA GET US!" Ella screamed. "And you're gonna do THIS, too? You son of a bitch!"

She looked around, wild-eyed, for something to throw at him. Finding nothing in the dark of a late October sky, she reached inward…and let loose some disgusting spit, right in Greg's direction. It crept down his right cheek, and Beth, misguided as she is, tried to step in between.

How is it that I raised all three children the same, and got a different result with Beth?

"Whore!," Ella screamed and charged at Beth, tearing at her jacket.

Sirens began to approach Campbell Street, thanks to some nosy neighbors at 213, who muttered to themselves about those "idiots next door," and wondered aloud if there might be a Cops taping in the neighborhood in the near future. The middle-aged father reminds me a little of Anthony at that age --gruff, weary and ready for retirement. He peers out the window disgusted, but somehow unable to look away.
Bobby struggled to separate the women as Greg wiped his face with his wool coat. Pieces of lint stuck to his cheek as he did this, and I couldn't help but laugh at this pathetic man who thought he could cheat on his wife without any melodrama. Silly little man.

Miz J, is a frequent contributor to Crabby Golightly. Signs From Above commemorates the loss of her grandmother, who recently died after a long struggle with cancer. Many people asked her to send signs after her death, to which she scoffed, "That's not how it works." Or does it?

Check out Miz J's blog at Miz J

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April 19, 2009

YOUTUBE

More Evidence that "Britain's Got Talent": Sheep Art

THE BAA-STUDS, A GROUP FROM WALES comprised of a few men (Emris, Gerry, Rob, and Bernard) with a vast amount of time on their hands, created "Extreme Shepherding."

"Extreme Shepherding" is some pretty trippy shit.

The shepherd and sheep dogs maneuver the sheep into remarkable patterns beginning with what appears to be, well, a giant sheep meandering along the hilly pasture.

They then attach webs of string lights to the backs of each sheep and turn them into what is undoubtedly the most riveting game of Pong that I personally have ever witnessed.

They can even assign different colored lights to the sheep, arrange them into boxes, and photograph them to create Chuck Close-esque images. An example: a recreation of the Mona Lisa (by Leonardo "Baa-Vinci").

And, finally, a fireworks display.

Who knew sheep were capable of more than the stunning display in "Babe"?

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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April 18, 2009

GRRRRRLLLL!

Tweets Turn To Snarls As The Big Dog O Enters Twitter Pack

FORGET THE TWEET, TWEET, TWEETS OF little blue birdies chirping on Twitter.

Yesterday there was a lot of woof, woof, woofing because the big dog -- Oprah -- had signed on, and with her her lapdog Gayle only moments behind.

And like any time the alpha dog enters a pack, hairs bristled, lips curled and the underdogs went belly-up. You didn't have to read far to figure out who fell into which category.

"Apparently #oprah is going to start twittering tomorrow," raistlinsghost tweeted. "It just may be over when this fat lady sings."

"I just soiled myself learning that the first Oprah tweet will be heard around the world Fri.…" wrote mulls, who made it a point to say his words were dripping with sarcasm.

Yes it's countdown to 9 a.m. Central, when the Cougar catcher Ashton Kutcher, a.k.a Aplusk on Twitter, gives personal tweet lessons to Ms. Winfrey on the social network darling of the minute.

The Punk'd producer was racing all this week against CNNBRK to see which who could reach one million followers first on Twitter.

Of course, Oprah stole Ashton's bark because he's just a high-strung pedigree compared to her German Shepherd. And so his shenanigans apparently led her to book a show on the topic.

Even Mr. Bad Boy himself, Sean Combs, was having to fight for attention. "ATTENTION ATTENTION!!," iamdiddy wrote. "Click to buy your new NO BITCHASSNESS tshirts in all flavors!!!"

No word on whether "Bitchassness" was a shrouded reference to O.

Yes, there was backlash against Oprah invading Twitterland, and many fretted that the blue whale would fail mightily, as it has under lesser weight.

"I think we should all try our best to hack and/or destroy Oprah's Twitter account," wrote JaredOngi. "Let's do it for freedom…for sanity…for the LULZ."


"Oprah and Ashton Will Destroy Twitter,"’ wrote a columnist on PCMagazine.com who predicts that the celebrifying of Twitter will turn it into a "hollow" pointless pastime. (Unlike it now?)

One peeved Twitterer went so far as to open an OprahFail account, and was seeking to sow destruction of her bandwagon. "You disapprove of our plan to cleanse Twitter of the rabble?," wrote the diabolocal schemer. "Join the party. It won't hurt too bad! "

Other Tweeters took a more amused approach.

"The big rumor I'm hearing is that Oprah is giving away a free car to all her followers who can also prove they voted for Obama (GM only)," joshed davejohnston. And less ambitiously, bhaggs wrote, "Tomorrow on Oprah: 'You're all getting TWITTER accounts' "

Someone named pfunn slyly suggested, "You know, if everyone signs off of Twitter tomorrow when Oprah tapes her show, she'll think Ashton was hallucinating."

And wouldn't that be sly -- except that Twitter disabled the unfollow function -- meaning that once Ashton told you to jump off that bridge there was no climbing back up to sanity.

Used to be "social media experts" ruled Twitter's terrain, and there was much evidence yesterday that since the advent of celebrity tweets, the techies were starting to seem like oldtimers who had walked a mile to school.

"I am not taking anything away from Oprah, but she's got it now. I'm on the look for what's next," wrote Robert "Scobleizer" Scoble, considered a social media powerhouse before last week but looking yesterday more like a has-been. He also wrote, "To me entrepreneurs are sexier than @oprah and more worthy of attention."

And that will be the difference between Twitter "before" and "after" Oprah.

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April 16, 2009

NO BEATING AROUND THE BUSH

SO MUCH FOR AU NATURALE: THE PUSH FOR LESS BUSH

AM I A HIPPIE?

Am I one of those counterculture, no-leather shoe wearing vegans?

No, I'm not.

I'm just a woman who really doesn't want to "mow the lawn." And I don't want to hear about mowing yours.

Maybe you've noticed this little gem on StyleList. I first read about it on Gawker.

But I like how StyleList compares two versions of the new Schick Bikini Razor commercials, one a lot edgier than the other. (The online version of the commercial insinuates that black women have really big vaginal areas and Asian women's are small. WTF?)

I guess it's difficult for me to understand since I've never had a bikini body, and would have been too modest to wear one if I had.

I've never understood the difference between wearing a bikini and wearing underpanties.

A "Brazilian" is a person from Brazil in my social circle. Oh I've done a little touch-up when needed. Even went completely bare once, just to say I did it. Didn't like it. Itchy.

And you can't imagine how shocked I was when I first started working at the porn palace and saw that so many women are completely bare now, and even many of the men, gay and straight.

My colleagues and I have had deep discussions about it. My position is that it just doesn't look right.

"Little girls are hairless, not grown women," I harrump.

It's one of the things that give you your womanhood. "Oh please," they pooh-pooh. "It’s not infantilizing women. Everybody shaves."

Maybe I'm in denial, I don't know. But I guess the commercial doesn't really come on that much. And there are a lot worse commercials out there. At least I remembered it. And that's the point, right?

SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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American Idol

A Nailbiter! Matt Giraud Gets "Saved" By The Judges

IDOL HISTORY!

Tonight's American Idol is one for the TV trivia books!I After many weeks of competition and many sayonaras to singers, the "save" was finally used!

Tonight's bottom three were no strangers to that dark side of the room away from the safe contestants. Anoop Desai, Lil Rounds and Matt Giraud faced the wait together to see who was packing for home.

Anoop was the first to be spared from the drawn out moment of truth. But then it was time for Lil and Matt to meet their fates.

Yes, once again I was tricked and Lil Rounds was spared! That means I have to listen to her sing again… another week. Damn! Matt sang his Bryan Adams song again and waited while the judges' decided if they were going to save him. The verdict was in before the song was over: Kara was shaking her head yes, Paula was smiling and saying yes.

As is typical, Simon toyed with emotions by telling Matt his performance was not as good as the night's before. But good news anyway!

Matt broke down and cried like a baby; the audience went wild.

Now the "save" is no longer in play, Matt gets another week, and please let Lil Rounds just go home already!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at nickiret@hotmail.com.

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April 15, 2009

HALF BILLION DOLLAR BABY

Oksana Pochepa's Pricetag: $500,000 Million

SO NOW WE KNOW.

28 years is an awfully long time for mere mortals to live together. And nothing about Mel Gibson suggests he is merely anything.

Screen star, Christian, producer of provocatively violent flicks, closet anti-Semite, father to seven, billionaire.

Now comes the confession: he has a 24-year-old plaything.

The Russian singer blew her cover yesterday by saying in an interview, "This is serious and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting. We are different people, but Mel is a grown man and knows precisely what he wants and me too -- I know what I want."

Let's hope Mel wasn't drunk during the throes of his romance.

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DAY TRIPPING

Pulp Friction On This Week's Idol

RULE CHANGE! BECAUSE THE SHOW WENT LONG LAST WEEK, making those who rely on their Tivo to miss ADAM LAMBERT'S dazzling performance, Simon announced that only two judges will review each singer. He also claimed that the girls talked too much last week!

But no word from him on the latest rumors that he would leave the show after his contract was up. But let's be honest, every year there is always the same rumor.

I remember during season six Simon said that if contestant Sanjaya Malakar won, he would quit. That never happened, but Simon is complaining about his schedule, but that's to worry about on another day.

Tonight's visiting mentor was the pulsating pop director Quentin Tarantino but I can't see that it had an impact on anyone other than Anoop.

The show kicked off with Allison Iraheta singing Areosmith's Don't Want to Miss a Thing from the movie Armageddon. Personally, I never liked the song and Allison's performance didn't make me like it anymore. Paula said she possessed the same "sauce" as Adam and she was remarkable and talented. Simon said she was BBQ sauce and she was the girls' only hope this season. Allison is safe this week.

Anoop Desai sang Bryan Adam's Everything I Do, I Do it For You from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Quentin told Anoop he should "rough up" the song and he gave it an exciting edge. Randy thought he did a good job and Kara said he found his place and added his soul to it. Anoop was in the bottom last week but I think he'll be ok tomorrow.

Adam Lambert rocked out Steppenwolf's Born to Be Wild from the movie Easy Rider. His performance was typical Adam, so nothing really stood out for me. Paula told him he dared "to dance the path of greatness." Paula, you so crazy. And Simon said he was vocally incredible but on the downside it was like watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So true. But Adam's still the golden boy so he's safe.

Matt Giraud sang another Bryan Adam's song, Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman from the movie Don Juan DeMarco. I didn't like his performance and thought he was a bit pitchy. Randy agreed and said he "fell down" in some places. Kara said he had soul but he took out the core melody. Matt may be in the bottom tomorrow.

Danny Gokey sang Endless Love. I love Danny and loved his performance, but it may not be good enough. Paula wasn't sure about the beginning but she thought he pulled it together. Simon said he was bored but he congratulated Gokey on picking something personal and emotional. I want Danny to be safe but he could be in the bottom. Either way, I know Danny isn't going home this week.

Kris Allen sang Falling Slowly from the movie Once. I thought this performance was the best of the night. Kris was gentle and tender. Randy said he never caught on to it and he thought it was pitchy from note one. Boo Randy! Kara was my girl, she said it was one of his best performance. Kris BETTER BE safe tomorrow! Or else, I don't know, I'll throw a shoe at the TV.

During the last few weeks the last performance has always been the best, but that streak ended tonight. Lil Rounds sang Bette Midler's The Rose. Again, Lil was lacking something. She was flat and dry and showed no heart! Paula thought it was beautiful, but Simon told her straight up that she was getting this completely wrong. She had nice moments but had no excuses anymore and was not an artist. Lil snapped back saying she was trying to be an artist and put an R&B feel to it.

Uh huh the show's out of time.

I want to say that not only will Lil be in the bottom three but maybe this time she will be eliminated this time. Though, haven't I said this before?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at nickiret@hotmail.com.

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TWO OF A KIND

A Match Made In Whoredom Heaven? Slade Smiley & Gretchen Hook Up

IS ONE OF MY WORST NIGHTMARES GOING TO OCCUR?

Is Slade Smiley going to come back on Bravo's Real Housewives of Orange County? Oh God in heaven.

It seems sexy Gretchen, whose fiance died in September, is dating said Mr. Smiley. Ugh. How could she?

Didn't she see how when Jo left him for a minute, he immediately hooked up with gold digging Laurie? Didn't she see how he followed Jo to Los Angeles to "manage" her career, then ended up in another reality show as her pimp?

And how, when she made a brief appearance on last season's Housewives she had this haircut.

Gretchen, he's evil!!

And I thought she was the nice girl. Even though it seems she was getting sugar from someone other than her sugar daddy, I was willing to give girlfriend the benefit of the doubt.

Now I wonder: more famewhore than I thought?

SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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April 14, 2009

LIFE'S UNSCRIPTED

Susan Boyle: Connecting 'Dots In The Universe' And Proving We Each Can Surprise

THERE'S THIS BOOK CALLED 'DOT IN THE UNVERSE' PUBLISHED A FEW YEARS BACK ABOUT THIS DOTTY BRITISH LADY whose life path takes her on a very strange trip, and who is the "object of contempt." The New York Times' went so far as to headline its review as "calling a speck a speck."

The character Dot popped into my mind as I viewed the viral video of the schlumpy middle-aged woman with bushy eyebrows who blew the minds of Brits when she opened her thin lips and let rip a tear-inducing version of Les Miserables' I Dream The Dream.

Susan Boyle is a 47-year-old spinster who's never been kissed and lives somewhere in England with her pussycat Pebbles. When she walked out on the stage, the guffaws were audible, but the joke ultimately was on those who snickered.

"I am so thrilled because I know that everybody was against you,'' said judge Amanda Holden. "I honestly think that we were all being cynical, and I think that was the biggest wakeup call. And I just want to say that it was a complete privilege listening to that."

Miss Boyle says she began singing as an escape from bullies.

Her dropped aplomb on the audience reminds that we ought not count anyone out of life's game, and that we all have the potential to surprise (if not sing that song the way she did).

Because when we connect the dots don't we add up to whole?

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OPENING DAY

Get Ready for 154 St. Patty's Day Parades: Baseball Returns to Wrigley Field

IT'S OPENING DAY AT WRIGLEY FIELD AND I'M ALREADY getting a headache just thinking about it.

It hurts to be the spoil sport, but, ahem, no else seems willing to step up to the plate. So it be must said again: Along with the majority of respectful, ever-hopeful Chicago Cubs fans who flock to Wrigley Field each year comes a noisy minority that invariably gets drunk, pulls bushes from the ground, pees in alleys, breaks tree limbs, leaves their empties and their dirty diapers and their vomit on the sidewalks.

Not to mention the daily fight for parking that breaks out between sports fans and residents, egged on by garage owners who park on the street during game days to sell their garage spots for $30 bucks a pop.

It's a regular St. Patty's Day Parade 154 times a year. Yet on Chicago's Southside earlier this year, a neighborhood association ended its 31 year parade tradition because of the drunken debauchery it promoted.

Too bad that the residents in Wrigley don’t have that kind of power. Because business around the field is a high stakes game with talk now of building a Hyatt Hotel/condo complex nearby, a move that is opposed by many in the neighborhood.

Despite protests by neighborhood associations, the situation grows worse. Now the baseball franchise is talking about
extending its night games from 30 to 50 per season, a 60 percent increase in stress on the neighborhood. And there's little news coverage of the stress because -- shhhhh! -- up until recently the team was owned by the biggest media outlet in town, now purportedly in the middle of
finalizing the sale of the team for $900 million.

Added to this steamy mix is the three summer concerts that the field will host when the team is away, prompting more handwringing from residents. The solution to simplistic thinkers like this one
here is for residents to simply move away. Sorry, but you're wrong, bud.

The Cubs might have been here first, but the development of pubs and restaurants along Clark Street, Broadway, Addison and Southport has exploded during the last decade, bringing with it sometimes an inconsiderate crowd of imbibers. And every bit of petty vandalism hurts the neighborhood's family appeal.

Here's the truth: the concerts are a blip on the neigborhood’s street scene, with officials dotting port-o-pots up and down thoroughfares for concertgoers to use, and with police patrolling on three-wheelers. The concerts are not the problem: the games are. Or, to be more precise, the city's lack of service to the community during them.

Here's an idea: if the city continues to stress the surrounding area, I say residents ought to start clamoring for a 20 percent tax cut in property values due to the burden the community must bear. The savings will help residents replace and upkeep the lawns that are constantly trampled on, pay the endless and often unjustified parking tickets they're subjected to, and hire maintenance to clean up the trash that fans leave behind and that the city conveniently ignores.

We ask that Alderman Tom Tunney take care of residents like he takes care of himself: We note that his little cafe on Southport just extended its outdoor space onto the sidewalk adjacent to the gleaming new Southport stop along the Brown line. Now, Ald. Tunney, can you take care of your put-upon citizenry?

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April 13, 2009

BREAKUP BROUHAHA

LiLo: Little Girl Lost Again

CELEBRITY GOSSIP IS SIZZLING WITH DETAILS about the end of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Roson's relationship.

According to Us Magazine, the couple called it quits last week. Linds was trying to play it off as a temporary "break" but then broke down in a phone and email interview and admitted that their relationship is kaput.

Sources now fear that Lindsay might "act out" after a very public rejection by the Ronson clan at an LA party for Sam's sister, Charlotte.

Since her starring role in 2004's Mean Girls, Lindsay has been making a name more for "acting out" than her acting. And friends fear that she is backsliding into her self-destructive partying ways. People mag says she's been spotted at various LA clubs all week, partying late into the night with club-going spies report she's acting "frantic."

These kinds of benders are old news for Lindsay. That behavior earned her a couple of stints in rehab and a reputation that landed her once promising career in the septic tank.

Mom Dina has resurfaced in LA to support her famous daughter and, hopefully, prevent a future Britney-style breakdown.

The Ronson camp claims that it's Lindsay's insecurities and constant need for attention, good or bad, that prompted the split.

Samantha allegedly has wanted to end the relationship for months but couldn't bring herself to call it quits because Lindsay threatened suicide whenever it came up.

Sam, who practically came out of nowhere when Lindsay made their relationship public, says she's done with all of the drama, but that's not preventing her from creating her own.

Last week Perez Hilton posted a series of LiLo tweets accusing Samantha of cheating on her.

And now the Chicago Sun-Times is reporting that DJ Sam has been seen out with a Lindsay Lohan look-a-like named Cindy.

No one is saying much about this mystery lady yet but she was also spotted leaving the house Ronson locked Lindsay out of just last week!

Lindsay is devastated and, in-between late night party sessions, has been seen at a Hollywood salon with Drew Barrymore getting her hair dyed back to her trademark red. She also took her sister, Ali, to a tattoo parlor, where Linds got new ink on her wrist late Wednesday night. (Don't do it Ali!)

Maybe getting a tattoo is the new, post-breakup "eating a gallon of ice cream." If that’s the case, hopefully we can look forward to Lindsay getting her act together and back on the Hollywood A-List…or, at least, the B-List?

Stevie Nicks already nixed the idea of Lindsay playing her in a new bio-pic, which is a little bit the pot calling the kettle a drug addict if you ask me. But if La La Land can give Mickey Rouke a shot at an Oscar after all of these years, surely there’s room for one more Little Girl Lost amongst the ranks.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. Visit her blog at
jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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April 12, 2009

CHAPTER SIX

Over The Fence

AT THE VET'S OFFICE ON CLYBOURN AVENUE, BETH WAS WONDERING if this guy might have been sent her way by me. Again, if I could be there to tell her so, I'd set the record straight: sometimes fate intervenes, and sometimes fate just minds her own damn business. This is one of those times where fate is just not getting herself involved in the mess Beth's about to create for herself. I guess that's why I'm here right now.

The cat, a tangled mess of orange fur, bloody paws and feisty energy, growled on the metal table as Mrs. Olson stood watch, glaring at Beth. "I don't even understand what you were doing on our block again," she snarled at Beth. "Once your parents left, I thought that would be the last I'd have to deal with you!"

"Yeah, well, think again, lady. I guess I was put here on this Earth just to piss you off." Greg snickers.

"This woman has been a thorn in the side of at least five Rossis -- my parents, my brother, my sister and me -- since what feels like the beginning of time." Mrs. Olson rolls her eyes.

"Well, if your mother would have just agreed to move her party --"

"Oh, I KNOW you're not bringing that up again." Beth scoffed.


"It wasn’t that big a deal. You know, they'd already been married. It wasn't like I was asking her to move her wedding date!"

"No, just her wedding anniversary. You’re ridiculous. You and that stupid cat. I don't even remember why you wanted her to move her party. And frankly, I don’t care."

Everyone in the room except for this Greg character remembers exactly why. It was my 20th wedding anniversary. Some of Anthony's family was coming in from Italy. We'd been planning for a month when Mrs. Olson started putting together a block party for the same day. We fought for days, not speaking. Our friendship was never quite the same after that.

It was a shame, too, because before she became a bit of a recluse, Angela was a great friend and neighbor. Everyone on the block liked her. She ran the church bake sales and always made the best strudel. Kids flocked to her front lawn to pick apples from her short, fertile tree. And she never shooed any of them away.

I had a feeling about what happened, but I wouldn't know for certain until years later. She'd been trying to steal away Anthony, that much I knew. What I didn't know (or, maybe more accurately, didn't want to consider) was that he did sleep with her once or twice. He told me that as I lay dying. I still haven't decided whether or not I will forgive him. I suppose I'll figure it out soon enough.

The silence in the vet's office is deafening. Greg, unsure of his neighbors, sat with his hands in his lap, twiddling his thumbs and staring at a Frontline poster. He almost had it memorized when Mrs. Olson spoke up.

"Beth," she said quietly. "How is your family doing?"

"My father’s dying," she snapped bitterly.

Angela blinked, clearly caught off-guard. "I’m so sorry," she said. "I didn’t know."

Greg offered Beth a hug, which she pushed away. "Thank you, but I’m okay."

I'm quite glad that Beth doesn't know the whole truth. Mother's intuition tells me that there would be damages charged to her by Rainbow Pets, Ltd., and today was just not the day.

A knock at the door signaled the doctor was finally ready to see Hell's Furry Little Wonder and reset his mangled paw. Some yelps and hisses led to a slightly costly bill, which Angela wisely paid from her own pocket.

As the car glided underneath the familiar, dim streetlights of Campbell Street, Beth thought she glimpsed a track of tears streaming down Angela's face, but she couldn't be certain. It seemed to her that Mrs. Olson didn't cry for anything or anybody anymore.

As she stepped out from Greg's sedan, she said, "Please let me know where I can send a card, Beth. I would like your family to know that my prayers are with them."

"Yes, fine, send a card. That'll bring him back from the brink," my daughter quipped. So rude, I would have scolded her, but I can't say that I would've been much more polite. In fact, I don't know what I would have said, and I've had a lot of time to think about it.

I miss my Anthony.

Miz J, is a frequent contributor to Crabby Golightly. Signs From Above commemorates the loss of her grandmother, who recently died after a long struggle with cancer. Many people asked her to send signs after her death, to which she scoffed, "That's not how it works." Or does it?

Check out Miz J's blog at Miz J

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TAKE A WALK ON THE WRINKLED SIDE

Jon Stewart Reports On Those Dirty Florida (Snow?) Birds!

GAWKER listed this gem of a video from Comedy Central's Jon Stewart Show as a reminder to twentysomethings that they too will "will someday mash your withered genitals up against some other past-its-prime grapefruit…You know, like when you're old. Like forty or whatever."

Dare we suggest that surely there are some hot wet vaginas (or penises if the choice may be) -- and maybe even working at Gawker -- who would eagerly do the dirty with Jon Stewart, who's creeking toward 47, or Robert Downey Jr., 44, or even, Nick Denton, who's slouching toward 43!

If you want the names of women over 40 who can still arouse, we suggest visiting here. And even if you had to wait until your 70s to do them, all you'd have to do is close your eyes and remember when!

And if you fear for your future days and nights in bed, be heartened by the studies that say that, like a fine sauvignon, sex improves with age.
So tell us who over 40 you'd do the nasty with.

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April 11, 2009

NEW BUT NOT IMPROVED

Review: Nintendo's DSi Is Best For Newbies With Little Previous Game Investment

TADA! A NEW NINTENDO -- THE DSi -- debuted last week. The system is an upgrade over the still relatively new DS lite, the slim model version of the original DS. It's seems silly that this young handheld system already has three different versions, but it's always been Nintendo's M.O. to deliver an upgrade about every two years, ever since Game Boy Color way back when.

I'm usually pretty hip to all the new model jive that the company throws at me. I tend to like the new additions that are given to each system; be it the added in colors when the Game Boy turned into the Game Boy Color, or the new flip-top design and brighter screen when the Game Boy Advanced went to the Game Boy Advanced SP.

The DSi though? I'm having my doubts. I'm not sure that I'm getting an equal trade off for what I'm losing.

The New DSi features wider screens, an SD card slot, two cameras (one on the outside and one on the inside), and built- in wireless internet access to a "DSi Store" to download games and a new slimmer design. All great features. The SD slot allows you to transfer games from your Wii Virtual Console and play them on the go and the additions of the cameras will add to all sorts of games in the future. The wider screens is my favorite improvement; who doesn't want to see more action?

The DS Store is a great feature already in use on every other console and handheld. It was honestly about time that the DS joined the party.

The new slimmer model is where I begin to see the issues with the system. Sure, it's nice that the handheld is thinner, but in order to make it thinner Nintendo removed the GBA slot. That means no more backwards compatability with the previous generation. Not only that, but it also means current generation games that use the GBA slot will lose some if not all their functionalities.

Two examples: the Pokemon games and the DS Guitar Hero games. The current groups of Pokemon games (Diamond, Pearl, Platinum) offer the capability to plug older Pokemon games into the GBA slot, enabling play in the new version. Without the slot, that feature gets kicked to the curb.

Speaking of litter, If you actually wasted money on the arthritis-enducing DS Guitar Hero games, you might as well go trade those in at Gamestop. With the GBA slot gone, they are now completely unplayable. Without it, there is no game.

I don’t know how much any of that matters to any of you, but I still play my GBA games a lot, and even though I still own a GBA SP, I really don't want to have to carry both with me when I go out of town or sitting around at my local library.

So for me, I'll probably be sticking with my DS lite and not be picking up a DSi until some interesting games come out for it.

Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog
Sarcasm Not Included.

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BRITNEY BEAT

Is She That 'Smoking Hot'? Brit Gets Booed In Vancouver For Stopping Show

A"VENTILATION ISSUE" CAUSED BRITNEY to walk offstage in Vancouver just three songs into her set.

Royally pissed off fans booed her away when she finally returned after 30 minutes of silence. An announcer reportedly told the crowd to put out their smokes, even though the venue was a non-smoking, indoor facility—and crowded with overzealous security, I'm sure.

A statement on Spears' blog clumsily attempts to explain the situation: "We want to apologize to all the fans who attended our Vancouver show tonight for the brief pause in Britney's set. Crew members above the stage became ill due to a ventilation issue." And some fans expressed understanding too.

The smoke sounds like faulty equipment or some ham-fisted fucking around by the crew themselves -- not like some fans sneaking a Marlboro in the nosebleed section.

Knowing what we know about Spears these days, perhaps a mini-meltdown is to blame?

The fact is, every bit of Spears' career is so carefully planned and scrutinized that you'll never know what's really going on -- backstage, center stage or, hell, even ringside.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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April 10, 2009

YOUTUBE

The Pefect Gift For Women -- From Video Addicts

WE ALL KNOW THAT women are bitches, incapable of having a good time, especially when video games are involved. (Unless, perhaps, it includes hula-hooping in our skivvies.)

We women are nagging, cranky, hormonal pains in the respective asses of our significant others….

Until, that is, we are given a Shii, the feminine version of the Nintendo Wii.

This sexist spoof has gained 1.2 million views on YouTube in less than two weeks.

Some games on the "Shii" include ironing, kitchen and living room cleaning, shaving, knitting, and gossiping on the telephone (even though we should really be cooking instead). My personal favorite, "Suckend Life," entails women giving blow jays to their Wii-like controllers, with some obvious swallowing at the end. How romantic.

So next time your ho is complainin' about your obsessive gaming rituals, reward her with dated stereotypes, because "Shi" is obviously incapable of anything else.

Another idea? Put your games away and try meeting real girls.

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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American Idol

His 'Search Is Over': Scot's Out In Race For Idol Crown

L IL ROUNDS STAYS?

Tonight I was certain that Lil Rounds and Scott MacIntyre would be on the bottom and I would have bet money that Lil would be on her way home. I'm I glad I didn't lose my money!

Tonight's bottom three were those two and my dear noop Desai.

Lil Rounds was the first to be relieved from the group. Image my shock to know she would stay another week.

Then moments later we found out that Scott's time was up. Considering that he was one of the weakest contestants this season, I wasn't surprised. But the judges seemed torn about sending him packing.

It was time for Scott to sing again for a chance to be saved and he croaked out an unimpressive version of Survivor's The Search is Over than he sang the night before. Was he trying to tell us something through his choice?

IN the end, Simon said two of the judges would vote to save him, but the larger question was whether he was among the best contestants. Obviously that answer was no.

Though Paula sat there with tears in her eyes, Simon sent Scott home.

With seven contestants remaining, will Lil step up her game? Or will her be up next week?

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at nickiret@hotmail.com.

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April 08, 2009

ENCORE

Adam Lambert's 'Mad' Performance

A COMMAND PERFORMANCE by Adam Lambert.

Watch out, Adam! You're the new tabloid target. You're this week's American Idol.

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SHUT UP! SIMON GIVES A BOW

Adam Lambert Gets Standing Ovation From Simon

TONIGHT THE FINAL 8 AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANTS sang songs from the year they were born.

I'm not sure if I'm just having an off musical day or almost all of these singers weren't good at all. I loved all of these song choices but I did not love the singers' take on them.

Danny Gokey covered Mickey Gilley's Stand By Me. At first, I didn't recognize the song. It started off weird and I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Randy didn't like his arrangement. Kara thought it was unique. Simon said the beginning was good, the middle was lazy and the ending was terrific so overall amazing. I think Danny is safe this week.

Kris Allen sang Don Henley's All She Wants to Do is Dance. I thought Kris did an amazing job last week. I was touched by his performance but this week, I was unmoved. Kara said it was like "jazz funk homework," and Simon thought it was boring and forgettable. Sorry Allen but I agree. I think Kris is too great overall to be in the bottom three but if he does end up there, I know he's not going home.

Lil Rounds mumbled Tina Turner's version of What's Love Got to Do with It. Lil performance was like sand paper. It was rough and hard to follow, and the judges showed no mercy. Paula said she was a brilliant vocalist but that only gets you so far. Simon said they don't need a second or third rate Tina Turner and she wasn't making an impact. Kara said she is not making that leap from singer to an artist. Yikes. I thought Lil was going to cry. She's going to be in the bottom three for sure.

Anoop Desai sang Cyndi Lauper's True Colors. I thought it was just ok. It wasn't as powerful or soulful as the original. I felt it you're going to do a song like that, you have to really belt it out and Anoop didn't do that for me. Randy said it was a nice vocal, Paula thought his vocals was magical and Simon said he was a singing yo-yo, last week not good this week good. I think Anoop is going to be ok this week.


Scott MacIntyre screeched Survivor's The Search is Over. Kara said he had ood moments and off moments. Simon said it was horrible and Randy said it was all just ok, he needed to leap off the stage vocally. I think Scott's going to the bottom this week.

Allison Iraheta sang Bonnie Raitt's I Can Make You Love Me. I thought Allison did a good job but still I wasn't moved. Paula said she had a tenderness approach and she made the song her own. Simon thought she was very good but she needed to bring out more of her personality so she can come off more likable and Randy compared her to Kelly Clarkson. Allison is safe this week.

Matt Giraud sang Stevie Wonder's Part Time Lover. I thought Matt brought some life into tonight's show. He was hip and he had soul. Randy said vocally he was the best of the night, Kara said he was unbelievable, Simon said it was well done.


Adam Lambert closed the show with Tears for Fears' Mad World. Utterly, completely amazing. Adam owned the show tonight and it doesn't matter how good or bad all of the other singers were tonight, this is the performance everyone will remember. The show went over the time limited so Simon was left to say, because they were out of time, he needed no words and gave Adam a standing ovation! Wow!

Besides Lil and Scott, I'm not sure who else is going to be in the bottom three. But my bet is Lil will be going home.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at
nickiret@hotmail.com.

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April 07, 2009

THE 'D' LIST

Celebrity Apprentice: 'All' Washed Up?

WHOA, whoa. Whatsa goin on? I've been haphazardly watching Celebrity Apprentice this season. I missed the Dennis Rodman meltdown but saw the firing.

These people, these celebrities. They diss each other in such disarming ways. I guess that's so they can stay friends, cause all celebrities are friends with all the other celebrities, right? At least it seems that way to me.

They all loved Dennis but knew he had a drinking problem and was an all around maniac from the git go. I'm astounded he lasted this long.

Then this week The Donald says he didn't realize that he had a problem. Donald, please. You knew he would be ratings gold or you wouldn't have invited him.

It was really sad to hear him talk about his basketball accomplishments. But as Jesse James said, "Man, that was in the past." He could have continued with "and now you're on a reality show." How the mighty have fallen.


So this week there were two eliminations. But neither was for failing at the task. So maddening.

This show is entering stupid town and I think I'm gonna get out of dodge.


Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins was dismissed for VOLUNTEERING to go into the board room. Since there was no winning team this week (both teams created viral ads for All detergent that sucked royally and left the company execs agog), one person from each team had to go.

The captain of Tionne's team was the feline-faced Melissa "I am not my mothers appendage, but, here I am on another show with her" Rivers.

As team captain she should have gone home, and WOULD have gone home if Tionne hadn’t made the GREAT MISTAKE of volunteering to enter the boardroom with Melissa to support her. I kinda agree (you should look out for yourself) but it still makes no real sense.


The other eliminated contestant was Khloe Kardashian, she of the family who loves K’s. She had to leave the show last week to attend a DUI session.

The Donald also said he didn’t know that. I’m speechless. Doesn’t he read the news? It was in there with all the other useless information we get. I know, he thought she'd be at least ratings silver. So failing captains Melissa Rivers and Clint Black get off scott free. I dunno, I think I may be finished with The Donald and all things Trump.

SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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April 06, 2009

JUST SAY NO

No Mercy For Madonna: Used To Flouting Rules, Madonna's For Once Dealt Different Hand

WE WON'T FALL PREY TO THE COST/BENEFITS ANALYSIS OF international adoptions of poor children by celebrities, won't cast aspersions against the father who has never laid eyes on his little girl, won't pit one adoption spokesgroup against another.

Suffice it to say that we rarely see the smugness wiped from Madonna's face. And for one brief moment, her cocksureness is missing.

In a world where standards for behavior vary widely, and depend largely on the size of one's bank account, there is some satisfaction for the rest of us that Madge was denied her adoption of Malawi's little Mercy.

From kissing Britney to flaunting boy toys, Madonna is used to gleefully flouting the rules with little consequence.

Now she's a divorced mum to three who is seeking a fourth child to parent. And despite their volatile divorce, even Guy Ritchie has publicly come to his ex-wife's defense in her adoption fight. (Even though media report that Ritchie's father says he is 'relieved' by the decision.)

While there is something curious about the trend of celebrities adopting foreign children, perhaps it only seems odd because us regular yokels haven't witnessed firsthand the poverty and despair that populates some far corners of the world.

I don't know how this story will ultimately end. And I won't pretend to know what's best for Mercy.

But this I can say: for once we're glad that the rules weren't broken just because someone is rich and famous. And also this: the sudden absense of entitlement from Madonna's face might actually sway the public in her favor and, ultimately, help her win this fight.

Because, despite the irony because of the subject, having a little humanity never hurt anybody.

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CHAPTER FIVE

What We Don't Know

INSIDE TWO ELEVENT, THE CHILDREN ARE GOING CRAZY.

"Mrs. Olson's a meanie!" they screech, bouncing on the couch. Outside, down the street a little way, Mrs. Olson's arms are flailing and Ella can faintly hear the sound of one neighbor berating another. This is the least friendly street she's ever lived on and she misses the hell out of New York. The quiet streets upstate could have been the perfect setting for raising Brittany and Brian, and now look at them. Hyperactive, sometimes insane. Are these even my kids? she wonders sometimes.

Ella turns her attention back to the dimly lit Campbell Street, wondering who is going to take Mrs. Olson to the vet center with that damned cat.

All it takes is one of these two kids to pull its tail and it's Rabies City, and that's all we need, another bill, she thinks to herself. Greg tells her not to worry about money, but she wonders if his "chump change" might be dwindling down to a few pennies. He put off grocery shopping last night…and the night before. Ella's been working miracles since Tuesday, and now it's the weekend.


The door swings open, and Greg grabs his coat, pecks Ella's cheek and says, "I’ll be back. Mrs. Olson needs a ride to the vet with that damn cat."


"Can’t that cat just die already?" Ella replies cuttingly as Greg walks back outside. "Yeah! Mrs. Olson's a meanie!" the kids screech in unison.

Did my children ever do this? I'd be too embarrassed to leave the house with them, ever.


"THAT'S IT. UPSTAIRS, NOW." Ella blows up. "Now, now, NOW. Don't you two ever get tired of yelling all the time?" The tears begin to fall down her cheek. The children are stunned, and race upstairs to figure out what just happened.


Ella needed some answers, and if Greg wasn’t going to give them to her, she'd get them on her own.
The first place she always looked -- the top drawer in the office desk -- was locked. Weird, she thought. I didn't even know this drawer could lock. Unfastening a bobby pin from her short brown hair, she began to furiously pick at the lock, her bangs falling into her face as she moved.


"Damn," she muttered to herself, slamming her hands on top of the desk in frustration. It was then that the drawer lock popped, surrendering a tousled mountain of ripped-open envelopes and loose papers. "Just another mess," she sighed hopelessly.


As she was standing to leave the room, she noticed a piece of paper bearing Greg's firm's logo at the top. She didn't know they were corresponding with him -- maybe he could get his old job back! She grabbed the letter and scanned it.

And that's when Ella got really, really mad.


Miz J, is a frequent contributor to Crabby Golightly. Signs From Above commemorates the loss of her grandmother, who recently died after a long struggle with cancer. Many people asked her to send signs after her death, to which she scoffed, "That's not how it works." Or does it?

Check out Miz J's blog at Miz J

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April 05, 2009

SEAFARING

Something's Fishy

THE PAGE SAYS THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A LOBSTER WITH A NEWFOUND love of music.

We'll take animator Johnny Kelly's word for it.

Our take: it's a suitable serving of fish for a Friday during lent.

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April 03, 2009

BREW, OLD STYLE

A Chicago Classic: Filbert's Root Beer

WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT FILBERT'S, a soda factory in Chicago that has been making and bottling its own soda pop since 1927, I was curious.

When I traveled to the non-descript building at 3430 S. Ashland in the city's Bridgeport neighborhood, I knew I found something special.

When I walked up the worn stairs through the barn-style doors, I fell in love.

I can't put my finger on what exactly makes Filbert's so charming. It might be the friendly employees, or the welcoming feeling that only a building with so much history can have. When I walked in I was met by Ron Filbert, whose grandfather started the business over 80 years ago, and the smell of their famous root beer.

Ron introduced me to Dennis Antkowiak, one of Filbert's three employees. Dennis has worked for the Filbert's family for nearly 40 years. He's a lot like the machinery that has been used in the bottling process since the 1920s; an important part of what makes Filbert's so special. Dennis opened up a bottle of root beer for me to enjoy while he shared his stories and explained the history of a business that is one of the only of its kind left.

The bottling company famous for its root beer has been using the same recipe for more than eight decades. The company now produces a total of 18 pop flavors, and distributes to about 300 small shops and restaurants in the Chicagoland area.

"We're making root beer the same way we've been making it for the last 70 years here at Filbert's,’’ Ron Filbert told
Chicago Revealed.

Got time on your hands? Head down to Filbert's and get a real taste of Chicago history.


Ryann Flynn is an avid recycling, Gimlet-drinking, Chicago Cubs-loving art director trying to bust into advertising. You can check out her work at ryannflynn.carbonmade.com.

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April 02, 2009

AMERICAN IDOL

Even Cuteness Couldn't Save Her: Megan Joy Is Out

MEGAN JOY DIDN'T CARE if the judges didn't like he… and Simon didn't care that she was going home.

Of the 36 million votes cast Tuesday night, Megan Joy, Allison Iraheta and Anoop Desai scored the fewest.

It was obvious that Megan knew she was going home and didn't care.

Had the contest become joyless? Or maybe she just wanted to go home to her child.

Either way, she was not given the option to be saved. She had a bit of a snooby attitude when she stated that she didn't care if no one liked her singing. So in return, Simon told her so he didn't care about saving her. "Megan, with the greatest respect, when you said that you don't care, nor do we… This is your swan song. Enjoy it."

She sang Bob Marley's Turn Your Lights Down Low one last shaky time then thanked everyone.

Only 8 more Idols to go!

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at nickiret@hotmail.com.

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SHOW STEALER

American Idol's Kris Allen Steals The 'Sunshine,' Makes It His Own

I HAVE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COUNTRY MUSIC OR THE OLDIES SO hearing those genres on American Idol never thrills me, but of course I watch it anyway. Thankfully this week, we get a great mix of genres. This week's theme is "popular songs downloaded" from iTunes, which means the kids sang any style they wanted.

So how did they do this week with such a free range of songs to choose from?

Anoop Desai sang Usher's Caught Up. I like Anoop, I want him to be a finalist. But he did not win me over with this song. I felt he was stale and a bit lifeless. Randy felt that this was not the right song for him, Kara said it seemed like "frat guys dared you to sing Usher." Simon hit it dead on when he said it was a "complete and utter mess" and he came over as a "wannabe." Ouch. Can Anoop survive another week? I hope so.

Megan Joy sang Bob Marley's Turn Your Lights Down Low. I personally thought that Megan was sultry and brought a touch of feminine soul to the song. The judges did not feel the same. Kara was the first to say that she felt that Megan was in trouble. The audience booed with disagreement. Simon said the song was boring and all the things they liked about her were disappearing. Don't worry Megan, I think you'll be ok this week.

Danny Gokey sang What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts. I thought Danny's performance was a bit boring, yet the judges were against me on this one. Everyone loved him. Simon said it was his best performance and Randy said "tonight's show starts here." Danny can sit pretty tomorrow, he's not going
anywhere.

Allison Iraheta fumbled No Doubt's Don't Speak. Didn't sing clearly is what Allison did during her performance. I thought she was a mess and as much as I love the song and sing it in the shower sometimes, I couldn't understand what she was saying. I'm sure the judges felt the same only they were more distracted by Allison's crazy, 80ish get-up. The judges commented more on her outfit than her horrid performance. Simon was about to say that she shouted the song but only after saying that she was dressed like the Addams Family. I think Allison will be on the bottom three tomorrow night.

Scott MacIntyre sang Billy Joel's Just the Way You Are beautifully. I thought he hit the high notes perfectly. Simon said it was his "best performance by a country mile." Then things got off track while Paula and Simon argued about Paula suggesting that he not play the piano. She said she didn't say that; he said play back the tape! What's up with those two? I think Scott will be safe tomorrow.

Matt Giraud sang You Found Me by The Fray. It wasn't great and the judges agreed. Simon didn't get it and thought Matt was missing from the performance. Randy thought he needed to let the flavor out. Could Matt be
in trouble tomorrow? Kara doesn't think he deserves to go home so tomorrow we'll see.

Lil Rounds droned out Celine Dion's I Surrender, and I wanted to wave a white flag. She didn't thrilled me with her dry and emotionless performance. Randy didn't think it was the right song choice but that
she sang it well; Simon thought it was like a wedding performance.

Adam Lambert sang Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry. I don't know why, about Adam doesn't do it for me. How can he be a front runner? Randy said he worked it. Kara can't wait to see what he does next…NEXT!

Once again, the show saved the best for last. Kris Allen enchanted me with Bill Withers' Ain't No Sunshine. He was great and soulful, and it was my favorite performance of the night. Randy said he was creative and cool. Kara said only three words "That is artistry!" Paula said it was his best performance to date and Simon agreed. Kris doesn't even have to show up to the elimination tomorrow, he's going to be around another week.

Tomorrow we find out who goes home. Will it be Allison, Matt, maybe even Megan? Let's see who American chooses.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at
nickiret@hotmail.com.

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April 01, 2009