CAN'T BUY ME LOVE

Season Ends for O.C.'s Housewives, And They Lived Unhappily Ever After

I KNOW I'VE SAID that the OC Housewives bore me.

Not anymore.

This season was way juicier than past ones thanks to the addition of the glamorous "gold-digger" Gretchen and the weepy, airhead Lynne. And the reunion show -- OFF THE HOOK.

I have always liked Gretchen while Housewives' Vicki and Tamra have loathed her from the getgo. Gretchen brings them presents; they bitch about it. Her boyfriend gives her a motorcycle; they bitch again. Both are insanely jealous of her looks, her sweet personality and no-care sex appeal.

Can I be candid here? She has everything they lack PLUS an old, rich, dying boyfriend, the trifecta. And she has it naturally, with no plastic filler.

Also: no children, no high-pressure job, just youth, beauty and the freedom to do as she pleases. And they hate her for it.

These two plastics operate on the Coto de Caza principle that big-boobed + blonde = beautiful. NOT. Neither one is as attractive or as hot as she thinks.

And they were both cruel to Gretchen for what seemed like no earthly reason. OR it could be that they knew she had a secret boyfriend while her fiancé was wasting away from cancer. I tend to believe it was some of both.

That Gretchen tried to portray herself as the perfect helpmate when she was really a paid employee just singed their rears. I think she really had feelings for Jeff, who passed away in September. And maybe she did have a little sumtin sumtin (something, something) on the side. So what! She wasn’t married and Jeff seemed to give her the freedom to do what she liked.

And it enraged Tamra, who was especially heartless during the reunion, rolling her eyes and nodding to Vicki.


Tamra was the one who accused her of seeming to have fun while Jeff was in intensive care when she went to visit family.

She was the one who wanted to get Gretchen wasted and then sicced her stupid, horny son on her just for the gossipy fun of it. She was the one who wanted a pink motorcycle and Gretchen was the one who got one. She thought she was the “hottest” housewife and knew that Gretchen put a big Stop sign to that notion. She was the one who “outed” Gretchen last nite as having a boyfriend all the while she was seeing Jeff.


Tamra, we know the real estate meltdown put an end to your plans to be an agent so now you have to find another job. Find a legitimate one; the world has enough professional gossips and shit-starters.


And Lynne. Where in the world did she come from? An unattractive brunette who is, in her own words, “obsessed with being young.” She should really get it together. She gave her 18-year-old “non working, not doing anything, don’t really want to do anything since Mom and Dad pay for everything” daughter an expensive car, just because. She closes her eyes to the fact that this daughter has or is soon going to have an alcohol problem. Her boobs look extremely fake and she wears hooker clothing which she then lends to her teen. And she doesn’t know if she has air-conditioning in her house – “sometimes I hear a machine coming on, but, uh, I don’t know.” Poor Lynne. What was she thinking coming into this shark tank? That she wouldn’t get bit? Don’t cry now honey, you’ll have much more serious reasons down the line.


And then there’s Jeana, looking great and dating again after a disastrous marriage. You do seem to gloss over your kids bad behavior. Really, anyone’s bad behavior. Get mad, Jeanna, it may help to at least straighten out your kids. We know that your son wouldn’t really have hit you with a baseball bat but the POINT is that he shouldn’t have even said that, fucking bad day or not, it’s bullshit. Stop taking it!


Well, damn it, I’m hooked for the next season. I hope Lynne doesn’t return, she’s a sad sack if ever I’ve seen one. But I hope to see Gretchen come back, single or not, and settle up with these bitches.


SexyChattyCatty comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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February 26, 2009

ROUND UP

Dollops Of Info From The News And Features Pages

NO WORD IS MORE CHERISHED TO JOURNALISTS THAN ''TRANSPARENCY,'' so it should be no surprise why the media might be in love with the idea of President Obama.

Our new president promised tall order in his address to Congress Tuesday night. Whether he can actually pull it off remains to be seen, but the earnest righteousness with which he delivers his promises makes us want to believe.

While much of his address was a defense of the government's unprecedented bailout of American businesses, President Obama also made it a point to say, "In the end there is no program or policy that can substitute for a mother or father who will attend those parent/teacher conferences, or help with homework after dinner, or turn off the TV, put away the video games, and read to their child. I speak to you just as a President, but as a father when I say that responsibility for our children's education must begin at home."

If President Obama leaves no other legacy than increased pride and hope for African-Americans, he will have done more for this nation than can be expected of any single human being.

Oh -- and big news on the Obamas search for a pet!

The family has finally settled on a Portuguese Water Dog as first hound, but there's contention about the potential names being floated.

"Oh, the names are really bad. I don't even want to mention it, because there are names floating around and they're bad," Mrs. Obama told Fox News "I think, Frank was one of them. Frank! Moose was another."

Crabby thinks they are both perfectly respectable dog names! And think of the demographics you might reach! (Alaska, are you listening?)


On the entertainment front, two young children who starred in Slumdog Millionaire will be moved from Mumbai's slums into proper housing by an Indian government grateful for the "laurels" they brought to the nation.

Because Rubina Ali and Azharuddin Ismail "have made the nation proud, they must be given free houses,'' said housing official Amarjeet Singh Manhas.

The film has grossed over $100 million worldwide since its release. So what's wrong with this picture? (Hint: It's not the movie; it's how the rewards are distributed.)


And, more about Octo-Mom! Radaronline.com has a video spat between Nadya Suleman and her mother Angela. Mom says that Nadya lied about being pregnant, blaming her increasing girth on a "tumor."

Also, in desperation and confirming her poor judgement, Nadya seeks help from Dr. Phil after hospital officials tell her they won't release her babies to her until they are sure she can care for them.


And this just in! "The way to Britney Spears' heart is through her hair extensions," according to Vicki Hyman of Newark's Star-Ledger.

In testimony yesterday in court, Jamie Spears said that Brit's former manager Sam Lutfi snuck a cell phone to her through intermediaries. Finally, the press in La La Land is asking if Jamie isn't taking his conversatorship just a wee bit too far.

As columnist Elizabeth Snead writes, "She isn't allowed to make phone calls? Even hardened criminals on death row get to make some unmonitored phone calls, don't they? This is madness. And it sounds illegal to me." Me too, Lizzie, me too.

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February 25, 2009

TITLE

Oscars Redux: Why The Show Gets A 'C'

THE OSCARS ARE OVER AND, color me confused, but why Hugh Jackman?

If they were really strapped for someone to host, why not go back to Billy Crystal? I'm sure Steven Colbert would have cleared his schedule; same goes for John Stewart.

Jackman's Broadway delivery of the jokes felt forced most of the time, and the ones that did work really weren't that funny. His opening skit paled compared to past years' video montage, and his tribute to musicals seemed only intended to pad out the ceremonies.

Then there were the presenters. Did anyone else think that having five presenters for the best actor/actress/supportings categories was a bit... too much? It felt like an awards dinner at a Little League game: "You're all winners, so just cause you don't take home the biggest trophy don't think you're not totally awesome."

I thought the pairing of Jen Aniston and Jack Black was forced and clumsy. Poor Jen, having to face Brangelina from the stage with him. Nice Iron Giant reference though.

The presenters that worked best together were Tina Fey teamed with Steve Martin, and James Franco with Seth Rogan.

Ben Stiller was hysterical with nary a word.


The "yearbook" segments were probably the best part of the show, specifically the animation and comedy montages. Wall-E giving his reaction to the other films, and the Pinapple Express guys throwing some clever stoner humor out at the bigger films, made up for a lot of what I didn't like about this year's show.


As for who won the awards -- I can't argue with the Academy. With the exception of Penn's Best Actor award, everyone really deserved it. I'm not saying Sean Penn didn't turn in a fantastic performance and Milk wasn't an amazing movie.

Mickey Rourke however, is usually overlooked over when it comes to handing out statues. Go back and look at his past movies. There's more than a few movies for which he deserved an Oscar and, The Wrestler is one of them.


I'm so happy that Slumdog Millionaire swept. Perhaps now even more people will go see how fabulous this movie really is.


Overall, I'd give this year's show a C, maybe a C+ with a little note that says "needs improvement."


Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

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February 24, 2009

ROLL IT OUT

Oscars' Red Carpet

LET US FOCUS ON THE BIG RED RUG.

Because honestly, the Oscars are cool and all, but they run a little bit too long and are usually pretty predictable. (Seriously, was Slumdog Millionaire not going to win Best Picture and Heath not going to win Best Supporting?) The Red Carpet, however, is the opposite of predictable, and that's the way I like it.

So I found something on YouTube that caught the good, the bad and the ugly from this year's show.

The reel begins with Penelope Cruz a woman about whom I can never quite make up my mind. Is she stunning, or does she look like a duck? Anyway, her dress was beautiful, like something I’d want to pour into a cup of coffee. It bordered on wedding-gown-chic, but I think Michelle Obama's Inauguration ball dress paved the way for that trend.

Next is Kate Winslet one of my Hollywood girl-crushes for sure. And while I am usually not crazy about black on top of another color, I was diggin’ it. Her updo screamed glamorous. I only wish the paparazzi would quit bossing her around in this clip.

And now for some totally bizarre shit: Brad Pitt—lookin' fly as hell—and Angelina Jolie likewise. Exhibit A: Angelina's odd choice of earrings. I mean, I like them, I really do. But with black? Call me crazy, and I know she's a flipping goddess and all, but something seems off. And Exhibit B: The way that the paps requested that Brad move away from her for a photo opp? It just is really obnoxious to me for some reason.

Then, in conjunction with the Brad/Angie forced separation incident, I witnessed the people who had, like, purchased seats or whatever to watch the stars march by. This is an anthropological/pop-philosophical mystery. Why are people so amused by and/or fascinated with these celebrities? Why would someone spend (what I assume is) a shit-load of money to go and watch some emaciated vixens strut in front of them? Would these people spend money to see these celebrities eat and shit and eat and shit again? (Oh wait, that’s 90% of MTV’s lineup.)


The next clip is of Miley Cyrus, clearly unamused with the paps requesting "a big smile one more time." She’s in an interesting fairy-princess-with-scales number, which is belted. I’m sorry, I don’t understand the belt trend. More on this later.


Then there's Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. I am not completely convinced of the authenticity of their relationship, as I'm sure they are aware of the fact that millions of pre-teens would contemplate suicide if the pair were to publicly split up. Anyway, while Vanessa earned a spot on the "bad" list on Jezebel, I thought her dress was adorable. I’m partial to mermaid/trumpet silhouettes.


Next on the cue is the Slumdog posse, preparing to rake 'em in. And while Freida Pinto is near flawless, I can't figure out that damned lacy blue sleeve! Why?! I loved that the little girl had Henna on her hands. And then, separately (insert tasteless joke about colonialism here), the sweet little British men of Slumdog just keep saying "Hello," "Hello," "How you doing?" in hilarious British fashion.


I don’t even know Edward Cullen's real name, nor do I even want to. Frankly, as an aspiring writer and academic, I don’t care to know anything about Twilight in general. Anyway, the look on Cullen's face pissed me off a bit, as he always appears incredibly self-absorbed, but then the camera pans down to his super-weird pointed shoes, and I felt better.


Back to the belts. I love Sarah Jessica Parker. I usually love her style. Homegirl keeps it fresh, right? And her fairy dress was seriously fun, but what's with the fucking belts? They ruin every gown they grace!


Marisa Tomei's gorgeous dress escaped the belt, probably because her super-fucking-cute boyfriend was clutching her around the waist instead.


My fiancé adores Anne Hathaway. I wrote on his Facebook wall: “It takes a lot for me to send you this, but I knew you’d love it.” I can’t even be mad. She’s stunning.


While I was thrilled that Sean Penn won Best Actor for Milk, I was really happy to see Robin Wright Penn! I have thought she was one of the most beautiful women alive since I saw her in The Princess Bride when I was, like, four. And then Forrest Gump…Where has this woman been?


Next on the reel is the ever-fabulous (and I mean "fabulous" the way a drag-queen would use it) Sophia Loren, looking even more like a Shi Tzu than usual. I am honored to share my first name with such a cream puff of a woman.


In stark contrast to Sophia is Meryl Streep, who can get away with the most boring dress of the evening because hello, she's Meryl-Motherfucking-Streep.


There were also a few stars who were not included on the YouTube video who I thought deserved recognition. Namely, Tina Fey. Could this woman be more perfect? The dress is mind-boggling; she looks like poetry.


Also, Jennifer Aniston. Although she played it safe in the gently-colored gown, she rocked it. And John Mayer was the perfect accessory. I wish everyone would get over the Brad/Angie/Jen bullshit already!


Some more pretties were Taraji P. Henson (I told you I’m a sucker for the mermaid silhouette!), Christina Applegate (can anyone believe she used to be on Married With Children), and Natalie Portman, who could give a boner wearing burlap.


I was mildly puzzled at Gwen Stefani’s choice, as I was with Salma Hayek’s. They usually are undoubtedly iconic. Gwen’s was pretty sweet, I suppose, just maybe a bit over the top. Salma’s little black bubble-hem was cute, but there was another fucking belt in the picture! Her figure is absolutely perfect as is; I don’t know why she tried to accentuate her waist more with a stupid belt.


A nod to Tilda Swinton for being eclectic as usual, though her ensemble is not my personal favorite. I also commend Philip Seymour Hoffman for giving a big "fuck-you" to the fashion world and wearing a beanie. If you can act like he does, you can get away with anything.


Sophia Ulmer is a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com.

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AND THE WINNER IS...

Celebrity Takes A Back Seat To Art At 81st Academy Awards

Slumdog Millionaire Sweeps With Eight Statues, but Sean Penn Steals The Show

EXQUISITE STAGECRAFT, IMPECCABLE PACING, DISCIPLINED EDITING, EARNEST WRITING AND HUGH JACKMAN's charm all combined to make the Academy the biggest winner of the 81st Academy Awards Sunday night.

There were few if any surprises among the winners of Oscar's top prizes.

As expected, Kate Winslet won Best Actress for The Reader and the late Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor for Dark Knight. His parents and sister "proudly" accepted the award "on behalf of your beautiful [daughter] Matilda."

Slumdog Millionaire dominated the night, taking home eight awards including the year's Best Picture award.

Penelope Cruz won Best Support Actress for Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

The only suspense was who would take home the trophy for Best Actor, considered a toss-up between Mickey Rourke as a defeated boxer trying to resurrect his career, and Sean Penn starring as San Francisco AIDS activist who is slain.

Penn took the prize and gave the most passionate, entertaining and engaging acceptance speech of the night. He also generously singled out Rourke for special praise as a courageous artist who "despite a sensitivity [that]...has brought enormous challenge, Mickey Rourke rises again, and he is my brother."

Penn received a standing ovation from his peers inside the dazzling Kodak Theater, and opened his remarks with a flippant, "You Commie, homo-loving sons of guns. I did not expect this and I want it to be very clear that I do know how hard that I make it to appreciate me often." The knowing audience laughed.


Penn went on to rattle of the names of individuals he wanted to thank (which did not include his wife Robin Wright Penn) before commenting on the recent passage of Proposition 8 in California's November election, which banned gays and lesbians from legally marrying.


"For those who saw the signs of hatred as our cars drove into tonight I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that support,'' Penn said. "We've got to have equal rights for everyone."



Slumdog Millionaire took home eight statues, including those for Best Cinematography, Sound Mixing, Film Editing, Original Score, Original Song, Best Directing and Best Picture. The award show ended with dozens of the cast and crew from the love story made in Mumbia ascending to the stage.


Hugh Jackman's Broadway style perfectly accessorized the decked-out theater, whose curtains were made with shimmering Swarovski crystals. He opened the show joking about how the depressed economy had forced the Academy to skip big productions, and then plunged into a song-and-dance number spoofing all the evening's best picture nominees.


The night's funniest moment came when Ben Stiller presented an award with Natalie Portman in a straggly beard and dark sunglasses reminiscent of the recent Joaquin Phoenix. "You're chewing gun at the Oscars!'' Portman told Stiller, who then removed it from his mouth and placed it on the podium.


Comics Tina Fey and Steve Martin joined forces to present awards for writing and in the process got a dig in about Scientology.


And while we can't say what happened after the awards, there was no on-air fist-fight between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, seen for the first time in the same room since Brad became the first syllable of Brangelina. As Aniston presented awards for animation with goof-off Jack Black, a quick shot from the director showed Ang laughing self-consciously.


Finally, in what was one of the most touching moments of the night, Eddie Murphy presented Jerry Lewis with a special tribute for his humanitarian work. Lewis, for once not cracking wise, said that "the humility I feel is staggering and I will feel it for the rest of my life.


Check out the full list of winners here.

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February 23, 2009

NINE LIVES SPENT

Rest In Peace, Furry Friend

CRABBY'S LEATHERED HEART IS FEELING PANGS of mourning as word arrives that the former First Cat Socks, who resided in the White House under the Clinton Administration, has succumbed to throat cancer. Differing news accounts reported that he was somewhere between 18 or 20.

Since 2001, Socks had resided during his post-White House years with President Clinton's former and ever loyal secretary, Betty Currie, in Hollywood, Md. Ms. Currie is reportedly "heartbroken" over the loss. Mrs. Clinton released a statement that "Socks brought much happiness to Chelsea and us over the years, and enjoyment to kids and cat lovers everywhere. We're grateful for those memories."

Socks, a photogenic and feisty feline adopted as a stray by the Clintons in Arkansas, was the subject of a book of letters with former housemate and nemesis, Buddy the First Dog.

Mrs. Clinton, was verbally clawed for giving away the family pet, and some pundits speculated as early as 2007 that it cost her the White House. You see? Cat people never forget.


I never met you, Socks. But, then again, I never met a cat I didn't like. Here's hoping you're enjoying a frolic in that great big catnip field in the sky.

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February 21, 2009

THE CONTEST

The Most Anticipated Contest At The Oscars? The Jennifer -- Angelina Showdown

AMERE 48 HOURS BEFORE THE 81ST OSCARS HIT THE AIRWAVES, WE CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE MACHINATIONS GOING ON PROBABLY MERE MILES APART IN THE BOUDOIRS OF SUPERSTARS JENNIFER ANISTON AND ANGELINA JOLIE.

Aniston is purportedly preparing to come face-to-face with husband-stealer Jolie at a Beverly Hills Oscar eve party tonight with boy toy John Mayer in tow.

If past performance is any indication, odds are that one of the women will be a no-show.

But it will be harder for the enemies to avoid the inevitable stares at Sunday's Academy Awards, where Jennifer is scheduled to present an award, while Angelina is the long-shot to win best actress for her role in Changeling.

We predict that Angelina will wear her usual monochromatic gown, all the better to show off her pouty painted lips. Jen will wear something slightly less glamorous, more modern, and in a brighter color.

Jen's beau Mayer told the website PopSugar: "It's my first Oscars. And it's my first being an Oscar boyfriend."

Sunday night's performance will be the greatest challenge of each woman's career.

Jen has to look blissfully unrattled by the appearance of nemesis Angelina and Brad Pitt, the fading golden boy with whom she first shared the title as Hollywood's reigning couple.

For her part, Angelina might rethink any pre-set Botox appointments as she will have to convince that she actually feels joy for the winner of the Best Actress Award.

This, to counter reports that she gave the the "stink eye to Anne Hathaway as she accepted the Best Actress title at the Critics' Choice Awards. (Oddsmakers are picking Kate Winslet as Sunday night's winner.)

And even if, as expected, both Ang and Brad leave sans statues, Brad can once again put his hand up Ang's dress to make sure everyone knows that they're each going home with the real prize. Did anyone else get a clue this week that the two were feeling desperate when they took the kids out -- (Ang with the girls in New York, Brad with the boys in Vegas) to remind the papparazzi or just themselves of their paramount ranking?


It must be absolutely nervewracking for them! Unless, of course, Ang's a no-show. And really, wouldn't that make her all the more mysterious and desirable?

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STEREOTYPES

The Sexploitation Of Racial Taboos In Porn

IN A TRIBUTE TO BLACK HISTORY MONTH, AVN, the adult entertainment monthly, called it's cover story Black Humor. The subtitle: "Is stereotyping in the service of sales okay in the year 2009?" (Talk about a euphemism!)

I've often wondered that myself.

First of all, I have a slight problem with the article being called Black Humor. I'm not sure most African-Americans find much humor in titles such as I Can't Believe You Sucked A Negro or My Daughter Is Fucking a Negro.

But the article explores a subject I've never seen written about before.

No doubt there are what I shall call "normal sexual relations" between the races in the movies. Boy meets girls, there's some foreplay, in and out and nobody gets hurt, at least most of the time.

And these movies are like that too. But, they're racist.

The image of the large, powerful, well-endowed black man dominating the pale, frail, blonde is certainly alive and well and ingrained in the culture.

I remember many years ago sneaking peeks at the Mandingo books my mother read. The genre was obviously quite popular at the time if it was purchased by my romance loving, dime-store paperback purchasing mother.

These movies remind me of those books. Tales of Massa's wife cavorting with the virile, black field hands while Massa helped himself to the females slaves. It harkens back to when cotton was king and the white man was the master of all he surveyed. "Ahhh, the good old days," is now a fetish.


In the article, actor Lexington Steele, a tall, handsome black man seldom seen without his sunglasses, says, "It's the white producer that tends to hold on to those elements of age-old taboo."

Whoooaaa, buddy. Steele is a talking contradiction.

On the one hand saying he'd never put out a product such as Blackzilla. (As in Hush Hush Entertainment's My Daughter is Fucking Blackzilla, one of the movies that made a star of Shane Diesel, another massive, handsome black man.) But Steele has a series titled Silverback Attack, as in Silverback gorilla. He also correctly notes that many of his other titles such as Lex On Blondes are not incendiary. But still, you know the real deal. He puts it plainly and to the point when he says " At no point does anyone forget that it's a big, black motherfucker fucking a white girl."


As a black woman working on the editorial side of the adult entertainment industry, the stereotypes have bothered me since I entered the field. I cringe when I see them.

Do I push back my revulsion because I have to make a living, the company is cool, and I like the people? Because there is still racism other places, in other situations? Because it's really not hurting anyone? Is it?

SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on porn and TV, America's favorite snack food.

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February 20, 2009

FAMILY

Picture Perfect: Tiger Woods And Brood

GOD I LOVE THIS PICTURE! Looking at it is like inhaling a dose of sunshine. And it's that damn dog on the right that makes it so endearing!

Let's talk about those babies first, those beautiful bundles of poop and spit-up and magnetic energy. Sam Alexis is passed the spit-up stage, probably on to potty training. One day too soon, she is going to slay the boys with those big brown eyes and that turned-up nose.

Charlie Axel, born Feb. 8th, is almost as cute as another Charlie I know, born just 24 hour before Tiger's -- cliche alert! -- new cub. (Welcome Charlie Mo!)

And what is there to say about Elin except that she's beautiful and exudes the lightness of being. That Tiger, what a lucky guy. What a lucky family! At least to these eyes.

But it's those damn dogs that reveal the unfettered joy of this moment. Taz is kissing Tiger on the ear while Yogi noses in on Sam. The hell with the golf trophies, Tiger. This picture takes the prize! Thanks for sharing this gift.

Tiger released the photo and asked any media using it to make a donation to The Tiger Woods Foundation, and I'm going to have to scrape up a few bucks to comply.

Oh, and another aside: thank you Woods family for not succumbing to that newest celebrity craze of auctioning of baby's first picture. There really is such a thing as class left in the world after all.

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February 19, 2009

THE WISDOM OF SEINFELD

Facebook: Where Worlds Collide

EVEN BEFORE THE BROUHAHA BROKE OUT OVER FACEBOOK'S CLAIM TO PERPETUAL OWNERSHIP OF EVERYTHING YOU EVER uplinked to its pages, George Costanza would have never approved of it.

To our fictitious Seinfeld friend, posting your name and picture on a social network enabling 175 million other people to find you would be pure folly, the unleashing of potential social disaster.

It was the Seinfeld theory of worlds colliding!

As aptly explained by Marcellus on a Seinfeld blog (but with a little bit of spelling help), "The worlds colliding theory is quite simple."

"You have your "independent self" (the guy that tells nasty jokes, swears, hangs with the fellas, and is an all around cool guy). And then you have "relationship self" (the guy that does nice things for his lady, leaves the seat down, cooks sometimes. Still a cool guy, but a little adjusted). And then there's the "family self," (which is just like relationship self, just a little less wussy).

"If either of the latter mix with the first, say a girlfriend begins to "hangout" with you and your friends, then it's chaos because the way you act around her was never supposed to be seen by your buddies. Who have every right to make fun of you after that. You no longer have the ability to act like the independent wildman because you're constantly in conflict with the relationship guy. One of the two [personalities] will have to subside, and depending on your strength of will, it may be the independent side that suffers. "

Consider Marcellus scenario. Then calculate the exponential result of every single person you ever met in your life meeting every other person with whom you have crossed paths: grade school friends, high school bullies, frat brothers, old boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, dope dealers, prigs, pigs, crazy colleagues, snotty colleagues, enviable colleagues, Girl Scouts, teachers, bosses.

What you end up with is apocalyptic clatter; the destruction of whatever social respectability you have earned over decades!!

You may not realize it yet, but coming soon to your Facebook page is the weird dude from your old 'hood whom you didn't want to hang out with when you were 15. Or the girlfriend you feared was a . Only now you're married and living a respectable life in a city 800 miles away and don't want to be reminded you ever smoked pot with him or slept with her.

My advice: close your Facebook page now before it's too late!

I would ask Marcellus what his thoughts are on the subject, but his MySpace account has been eliminated.

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February 18, 2009

YOUTUBE CLASSIC

It's The "Death Of A Salesman" Of YouTube

MEET JACK REBNEY, A.K.A. The Winnebago Man, YouTube sensation and subject of his own Wikipedia entry.

Drink him in, my friends, and find gut-churning pleasure in his extreme displeasure of himself, as well as flies, his mind, the heat, and just about everything else in his path.

"We've got flies all over the fucking place. Sh-on of a bitch! Get out of here you fucking flies! ...We've got flies coming for us,'' he warns in these video outtakes from a 1988 shoot for a Winnebago promotional film. "Get the fuck out of here you flies!" and so it goes.

But flies aren't his only target: Jack does a fair share of verbal self-flagellating with frequent outburts. "I've got to read it again because my mind is just a piece of shit this morning! God I can't fucking make my mind work!"

Evidently the shoot was on a very hot day, causing Rebney him to forget “the goddamn line” numerous times. This guy is the angriest, vulgarest, awesomest cartoon ever, and his outbursts are so authentic, never forced, always terrifying.

Though the video is astonishing because of Rebney's violent bellowing, one of my favorite moments is about 30 seconds in when he gets so angry, all he can do is throw his arms up in the air, stiffly and repeatedly. The original video apparently nabbed third place in VH1’s Best of Web Junk 2006 but the original is not your only option.

You can check out the Winnebago Man Gibberish outtakes or the Ultimate Extreme Edition for an additional 45 seconds of the lunacy. Do me a kindness, and enjoy this video, you goddamn jackass!

Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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February 17, 2009

OCTO-MOM EXTRA

Nadya Suleman & Angelina Jolie: Twins Separated At Birth?

T

HIS WEEK'S INSTA-CELEBRITY IS NADYA SULEMAN. Thanks to the buzzworthy birth of her octuplets, she made virtually every weekly rag on the stands, along with every blog and news show.

And if the publicity doesn't pay off -- Suleman now accepts PayPal!

Life & Style starts off the Suleman avalanche with a story on some obvious comparisons between the mother of fourteen and Angelina Jolie, patron saint of underprivileged children.

Physically the two women are similar, and "friends" have told the media that she has had plastic surgery to look more like Angelina. Now she's got Angelina's hair style and the exact same beatific, bubble-lipped smile. She's even had her eyebrows shaped like Angelina's. This all fuels speculation that she's in some sort of psychotic competition with the world's most famous mother.

You can't compete with the type of money Jolie and her partner Brad Pitt have though. While they have the resources to keep their brood in the lap of luxury anywhere they go, Suleman’s kids are crammed into a three-bedroom bungalow in California owned by their grandmother.

Let's do some math shall we?

According to reports, Nadya, and her six older children are sharing this house with her mother. Now add eight newborns and you have fourteen kids and two adults sharing a three bedroom house. Bedlam!


The National Enquirer has photos of the Suleman home and it's depressing at best. Bare walls and windows covered in sheets instead of curtains. Beds crammed in everywhere and clothes folded in piles on the floors. It looks a little like one of the houses I lived in during college but the difference is I wasn't raising kids in squalor.


Nadya's mom, Angela, has been speaking out against her daughter's lifestyle all week and she told the Enquirer that Nadya hasn’t worked since she started having children seven years ago. Angela alleges that she and Nadya's father have sent themselves to the poorhouse supporting Nadya and her brood.

According to "inside sources," Nadya is expecting to make it rich off of the story of her multiple births and how she raises her children. But if past actions are any indication, Angela shouldn’t expect to see much money.


One of the psychologists the Enquirer tapped for this story calls Suleman's desire to have all of these children "a narcissistic and very unhealthy way to draw more attention to herself..." We can’t deny that in recent years the media's ability to make everyone famous off of any quirk or exotic "skill" has created a new breed of get-rich-quick schemers who believe that the fifteen minutes of fame allotted them by any brush with the media can lead to a new life of fame and fortune.

If you want to get famous for eating bugs or for having a smutty sex tape that's one thing, but birthing babies as though they are liters of puppies is a gross way to get famous.

There's already been a lot of hubbub about these births and the medical procedures she may have undergone to make them possible. I wonder if Nadya counted on the backlash and if she has a Plan B for making some money. Perhaps she'll sell them to a zoo like Apu and Mandala did with their octuplets on The Simpsons.


Star has over 300 pages of doctors' reports from Nadya Suleman's psychiatric exams. That is a LOT of psychiatric prying, people!

Apparently Nadya has been trying to have babies since she was a teen and suffered from depression after some failed pregnancies. But when she got pregnant from in vitro fertilization with her first child, her mental health deteriorated instead of improving. And while she improved after the birth she obviously has a lot more unresolved issues to tackle. Not every only child grows up feeling like they need to populate the planet with their progeny to fill their emotional void.


US Weekly online reveals that Nadya has decided to call it quits after these babies. Which is great news because at 33, she has a lot more egg producing years ahead of her, and I think she has her hands full. Hands, feet, elbow nooks…if she had a marsupial pouch that would be full too. Despite previous claims that she has not, nor ever will require government assistance with her children, Nadya is receiving food stamps and plans on using student loans to help pay for her children's needs. She's going back to school to get a master's degree in counseling. And while it may be ethically questionable to deny a woman whatever treatments she used to carry these children, in today's economy there is less gray area about who gets school loans and how much they receive.

But if the school of her choice gives her a free ride by virtue of the number of her dependents, maybe she'll rent them to me when I apply for grad school.



Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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February 16, 2009

THE JOKE'S ON US

Joaquin Phoenix's Priceless Publicity Stunt Generates Buzz For $12 Million Film

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SN'T IT FUNNY HOW THE PUBLICITY MACHINE WORKS?

Joaquin Phoenix quits 'acting,' goes on David Letterman to promote (ahem) a barely whispered-about movie, feigns indifference to Dave and the movie Two Lovers and the audience, and even more dangerously, the publicity game itself.

And snap, just like that, this little $12 million "last" movie of Joaquin’s gets more attention than a $12 million media blitz could buy.

La La Land's legitimate shrink Dr. Drew Pinsky, who's actually seems pretty level-headed most of the time, voices "grave concern" about Phoenix"s disheveled and flat affect and wonders aloud if the actor isn't, A) intoxicated on something, or B) experiencing depression.

But if you watch Joaquin closely in the Letterman clip that's now gone viral, he's certainly lucid enough to take his own jabs at Dave.

For one, he's quick to pitch a visit to the show once he gets his new hip-hop sound together, an offer that Dave derisively dismisses. But my guess is an appearance from Joaquin's new band would garner Dave higher ratings than he's gotten in years.

Then there’s Joaquin's perfect pitch response to Dave's snarl about showing up at the actor’s house and chewing gum. Is there anything more irreverent than sticking chewed gum under a table right under your host's nose?

Dave, you see, is now an integral part of the machine that he also mocks when it is convenient for him. And he was pissed that Joaquin didn't do the requisite song and dance that actors must do when they're on the publicity tour. But remember that he who owns the media always gets the last word, so Dave got his revenge.

Do you know why you saw Joaquin at all? Because Worldwide Pants generously edited the clip and released it early over the Ethernet.

The big buzz is that Joaquin and his brother-in-law Casey Affleck are making a mockumentary similar to the 1984 movie based on the fictional bandSpinal Tap.

But if Joaquin really is quitting the business, Hollywood is losing one of its most talented performers, a fact that even Letterman himself acknowledged. Phoenix, who was brilliant in Walk The Line and Gladiator, says he’s quitting the field because it has lost its hold. "I was excited by it," he told a reporter recently. And then it starts to become this thing. But I haven't had that feeling in a while . . . and my mom always told me, 'Be true to your heart.' "

I haven't a clue what the truth is behind talented Joaquin's scary "affect." But you can bet I'm making a b line to the theater when Two Lovers comes out. Can't wait to see how much this $12 million flick pulls in at the movies.

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February 15, 2009

GLORIOUS MISERY

Living 'Miserably' In Chicago And Loving It

TEN YEARS AGO I MOVED TO CHICAGO LOOKING FOR A BRIGHT FUTURE IN THE BIG CITY.

A decade later, I can tick off my fingers the reasons why the city made Forbes' 2009 list of most miserable places to live.

So far this year, the weather has been brutal, sales taxes became the highest in the nation, and unemployment is 7.6%, the highest monthly rate since June 1993.

Forbes rated the top 150 U.S. metropolitan areas in nine categories including commute times, unemployment, violent crime and weather.

And just in time for the Blagojevich Chronicles, Forbes added a "corruption" category, propelling Chicago to 3rd on the list, up from its ranking of 6th last year.

"Lousy weather, long commutes, rising unemployment and the highest sales tax rate in the country are to blame for the Windy City being near the top of our list," the magazine reported. "High rates of corruption by public officials didn't help either."

I'm the living proof of the statistics.

On extremely cold days – with subzero temperatures -- I routinely have to wait over 20 minutes for my bus to arrive. I won't be getting a raise anytime soon, and new jobs are hard to come by. Stuck inside on bitter cold days, sometimes I think a carton of chocolate chip mint ice cream and old episodes of Sex and the City are my only friends.


Yet, the magazine's cold, hard figures don't reveal the charms of the city at its street level.


For instance, it doesn't tell you that whenever I'm lost or need help finding a place, there is always a friendly person just around the corner to guide me.


There's no mention that, after hanging out late, I can still get pizza delivered to me at 2 in the morning.

And in the summer, I love sampling the Taste of Chicago, and getting wide-eyed over July 4th fireworks along the city's spectacular lakefront.


On days when the weather is beautiful, I'll take walks around Wrigleyville, home to the friendly confines of Wrigley Field, visit Grant Park near the city's magnificent museum campus, or just enjoy a good old-fashioned hot dog.


I may get blue sometimes, but that's not always because of Chicago's weather, my commute, or the pols' dirty antics.


When I take a moment and look around this city, I know that this is the place where I'm happiest being "miserable."



Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at nickiret@hotmail.com.

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February 13, 2009

FACEBOOK

Marie Claire's Virtual Salon Is The Perfect Office Time-Waster

THERE ARE DAYS WHEN CRABBY CAN'T MUSTER A RANT, when even she falls prey to one of the myriad and pointless amusements on the web. Have I got a gag for you!

The girl's mag Marie Claire has this awesome interactive tool that lets you upload photos and then try out different hairstyles, colors and eyeshades on your face. Crabby experimented with a photo of herself and could not look pass the sagging jowl line! I can so vouch for the truism that youth is wasted on the wrong people!

No, it was much more fun to upload images of some sorry ass who sold his mug for probably $100 bucks to be part of the perpetual collection of Microsoft's free clip art library. Fool!

But Crabby benefits from his short-term thinking by being able to try out different hair styles and makeup without fear of personal assault!

This gimmick is the perfect way for passive-aggressives to get back at ex-boyfriends, bullying bosses, and generally any asshole in your life. It even works for pets too! Although you don't have to worry about hurting their feelings.

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February 12, 2009

EAT IT UP

Peter, Bjorn & John: Another PB&J Classic In The Making

IF ALL YOU KNOW OF THESE THREE YOUTHFUL ROCKERS FROM SWEDEN IS THEIR WHISTLING SONG, YOU ARE MISSING THE BIG PICTURE.

I had the good fortune of catching PB&J's show (and hanging backstage!) the last time they played in Chicago and found myself on a manic high that transported me back to nights at Philly's East Side Club, back when consequences were a debt to be paid in the future.

On this night at the Vic, not one of the band's songs delivered the bland sounds of what passes for alternative music today, a la The Sea and Cake, Belle & Sebastian or Wilco. The music of Peter Moren, Bjorn Yttling and John Eriksson is distinct, irreverent and intelligent, and I'm betting the public's appetite for this trio will stand the test of time like that other classic combo.

Lucky for all of us, they're headed back to the States. Catch them if you can.

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THOSE DARN KIDS

Favorite Celebu-Spawn Of The YouTube Crowd

SOME OF THE MOST MEMORABLE -- AND MOST QUOTED -- YouTube videos in my household are ones featuring little kids. Watching these videos can make a person want to either: A) spawn a litter and home-school them; or (B) put his/her nuts on the chopping block (hypothetically, of course).

Here's a countdown of my absolutely favorite videos.

No. 9: Baby Watches Too Many "Ninja Warrior" Marathons OnDemand I don't believe that this baby exists.

No. 8: Warning: These Links Will Make Your Ovaries Quiver. I only recently realized that videos of babies laughing comprise a sizeable sector of Youtube. We have raspy redheads in high chairs, off-balance babes, little Theo who loves the Wii, and Ethan, who is absolutely enamored by ripping paper. My favorite moment is 35 seconds in, when he acts like it is the very first piece of paper he has ever ripped, and at 1 min 7 sec, when he makes the most adorable face, as if to say “You son of bitch, you know that I can't help but laugh manically and topple over when you hand me that paper…”

No. 7: I'm Just Buzzed. If I'm not mistaken, little Pearl is played by the daughter of the guy opposite Will Ferrell in this video short. They wanted to take advantage of her macaw-like age, her ability to repeat words and not retain them. Although this is pre-meditated, it doesn't make it any less awesome.

No. 6: The Eyebrows Say It All. This is one that I play over and over, and then send to friends having bad days. There is just no freakin' way this kid won't make you smile. He was on the Tyra show and she patronized the shit out of him, but he was hilarious as he discussed his overwhelming popularity.

No. 5: How Can You Give an Evil Eye with a Drumstick in Your Hand? Much like Ninja Baby, I doubt this kid is real.


No. 4: Betrer, betrer, betrer, AAHHH!! I'm so impressed, really. Not only is this tiny little guy singing and (sort of) playing guitar, but he's doing it in English. And in a diaper! What a rock star prodigy!.


No. 3: He Was Injured... I wish this kid was my offspring. He's just so emphatic, so serious, so concerned. "You know what he dee-id?! He kicked him in the penis."


No. 2: It's Just Self-Defense. This three-year-old girl fears no monster. She doesn't need kickboxing classes, nor does she participate in Tae Bo on VHS. If the monsters "come out of the movie," she'll kick their motherfuckin' ask.


And the No. 1 video is: CHAWWW-LEEEEE! At a whopping 80,274,617 views, I'm pretty sure that Charlie Bit Me-Again! can be considered a YouTube classic. Please view this video at least five times, paying close attention to Henry, the older brother, and the faces and sounds he makes.

Soon you too will be yelping the telltale "Ouch, Charlie, OWWWW! That really hurt!" (in a British accent, of course) each time you stub your toe, get a paper-cut, pluck your eyebrows, burn your tongue on coffee, have an ingrown hair, hit your funny bone, have your seatbelt lock up, pop a zit, have an itch, use undiluted Listerine for a full 30 seconds...


Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com.

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February 11, 2009

HEADLINE STEALER

A Yankee Fan's Take: Dating Madonna Is A Bigger Crime Than Using Steroids Before They Were Banned

NEW YORK YANKEES' third baseman Alex Rodriguez, the highest payed player in baseball, admitted yesterday that he used steroids as a shortstop for the Texas Rangers between 2001 and 2003.

Sports Illustrated reported Saturday that the headline- stealing stealing slugger had tested positive in 2003.

And so the pummeling begins! The New York tabloids are pouncing all over A-Rod, paying interns to dig through their morgues to find the pics that best show the 12-time all-star at his most bewildered, then slapping those pics on the back pages with oversized fonts and less-than-clever phrases!

Fans and sportswriters are worried sick! Will this tarnish A-Rod's legacy? Will he be banned from the Hall of Fame? Will there be an asterisk next to the all-time home run record he's bound to break?

I say: Leave The Guy Alone!

Consider the context: Steroid use was ignored in baseball in 2003 (in a "look the other way" kind of way), and it wasn't even against the law!

It wasn't until 2005 that anabolic steroid use was made illegal and banned from Major League Baseball. So A-Rod he didn't break any law or any MLB rule.

And since steroid testing has been in place in the sport since '05, the two MVPs awards he earned in pinstripes ('05 and '07), were earned without the juice!

So where's the story? Wow, a big name, Big League ballplayer used steroids sometime between the late 90's and the early 2000's? All the headlines and breathless reporting overlook that there are no WMDs.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning steroid use. I was as disappointed as any other red blooded Yankee fan to discover that baseball's "Golden Boy" was a user, but no one's suggesting he's juiced up since joining the Yanks! He's tested negative and he certainly doesn't look any bigger. Consider Mr. PerjuryBarry Bonds.


Since his rookie year, his hat size went from 7 ½ to Yeti. A-Rod looks exactly the same. And, unlike Bonds and former Rodriquez teammate Roger Clemens, the Yankee slugger has come right out and admitted his mistakes. He held himself accountable! (Insert second potshot at Bush administration here). Fathead Bonds lied under oath, for cryin' out loud! A-Rod's crime is a misdemeanor compared to the felonies of some of his contemporaries.


If you want to beat up on the guy, let's go back to lashing him for sleeping with Madonna more than a coupla times? I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers, but you'd think the handsome young millionaire baseballer would have her singing This Used to be My
Playground by now. Move on! She's ancient!


And the media should move on too; this story is a nonstarter.


Peter Lawrence kicks up the dirt while pounding New York City's pavements. You can reach him at PLawrenceNYC@gmail.com.

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February 10, 2009

JIVE

Tabloid Trash Talk

Lourdes' Uni-brow Gets The Wax Treatment, Jesssica Packs On The Pity, and Farrah Fawcett Succumbs to Marriage?

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE more they stay the same in Tabloidland!

OK! Weekly

On The Cover: OK reveals the secrets behind Angelina Jolie's eternal beauty. She's on a diet of new babies!! What a monster!

Inside: Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake; it's a fertility diet. Because she's had so many problems making babies magically appear out of thin air in the past. Speaking of her babies, Maddox is apparently the Charles In Charge of that menagerie and it sounds like only a matter of time before he gets his own style show on E!

Also: Oh Thank you God. Madonna finally let Lourdes get her eyebrows done! The twelve-year-old not only looks a lot like her famous mom but is also dressing more like her these days. I think the reasoning behind all this: The more alike they look the bigger chance people will start mistaking mother for daughter and then The Material Girl should have no problem finding her next middle school date.

Also, Jen Aniston and John Mayer are baaaacccccckkkkkk. They were apparently spotted at a Super Bowl party together, fueling rumors that their on-again off-again is back on again. At least until her 40th birthday party when Jen will reveal her cyborg lover cobbled together from the DNA of Brad Pitt, Courtney Cox, Warwick Davis and an immersion blender.


Us Weekly


On The Cover: Jessica Simpson is fat.


Inside: It's a pity party! Six fucking pages of Simpson in pictures. Why, after all of these years of the media poking at entertainers' weight fluctuations, does anyone even care? Why are all of these celebrities speaking out against the exploitation of Jessica's muffin top? It's because she's stupid, isn't it? They can't bear the thought of her being stupid AND fat.


Also: Dude…fffffft…have you heard about that swimmer dude? Cough, cough. Man, that's totally a raw deal…ffffftt. I hope he doesn't lose those sweet-ass endorsement deals. Fffffftttt..man, I could totally go for a five dollar foot long right about now. Cough, cough. You wanna walk over to Subway?


This week's Poor Timing Award goes to the Winter Essentials lay out where Us tries to sell us the stuff we really could have used two months ago but not so much now: overpriced boots, down coats and ridiculous looking hunter's caps. Who's buying this shit in February? I'm inside bowing to my Frosty The Snowman altar, praying that all of the snow melts this weekend. I don't need a $2,000 mink fur scarf!


And, the Fashion Police shine a light on the increasingly disturbing trend of starlets leaving their houses without any pants. Pam Anderson looks to be wearing a pair of men's underwear in this picture but that would imply that she actually wears underwear. Mischa Barton looks like something out of a Bob Fosse nightmares. And I'm really beginning to think that if it weren't for the completely fucked up way Katy Perry and Lady Gaga dress we wouldn't know a damn thing about them.


IN Touch


On The Cover: Are they using their Photoshopping powers for evil? Not only does Jessica Simpson look chunky, she also looks like she aged about ten years on the cover.


Inside: More pro-fatty propaganda from the celebrity set. The outrage! The tears! The buffalo wings! Jessica had her trainer eating every meal with her when she was losing weight for the Dukes of Hazzard movie; maybe Papa Joe needs to monitor her food the way Papa Spears monitors Britney's text messages.


Also: Photos of an evident fight at the Berlin premier of Valkyrie are stirring rumors of trouble in Tom Cruise Paradise. Katiebot is having a programming malfunction! Automatic system reboot in 3, 2, 1…Head explodes.


Apparently We The People are clamoring for an Obama Baby. No one has said anything to me about it. But, hey, if they do have another kid they can name it something crazy like Tad or Julie.


There's a touching story about how Farrah Fawcett's rectal cancer and Ryan O'Neal's methamphetamine addiction may finally bring the 70's Superstar couple to the altar. How touching.


National Enquirer


On The Cover: Not to be outdone by That Simpson Girl, Brit makes a headline with her stolen diaries.
Inside: Britney has been documenting her various breakdowns so she could put it all into “a $14 million deal to pen several books over the next 10 years.” Someone gave themselves a hernia lugging all of that shit out of her house. She wants to make sure her sons have something to read about her life besides the tabloid accounts of all of her batshit insane antics.


Also: The Shmuckiest Shmuck ever, ex-American Idol co-hostBrian Dunkleman, has taken his lameness to Facebook in a plea for popularity. He's trying to gather online support for a TV show about his life. In his synopsis the show is “based on how every day of my life I'm reminded of the biggest mistake I ever made.” If he could work in getting hit in the face with a pie every episode I think he might be on to something.


Scandalous! NKOTB heartthrob Jonathan Knight is outted by an ex-lover!! There are a lot middle aged women whose attempts at reliving their childhoods have been thwarted by this news.



Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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THE LOW LIFE

Fornifica---, I Mean Fortifications For Bret's 'Love Bus'

SO I BOUGHT A DELICIOUS, SMOOTH RIESLING to help me through tonight's episode, which was a bad idea. This meant that at the end, I had to start the episode over again to get the precious little details I missed while my face was buried in the glass – and that meant a scathing reminder that these hookers were mere blocks from my everyday routine. Which made me drink more. Which helps you to understand why this review is so fucked up. Apologies in advance.

Anyway, these hos get on the bus to depart from Chi-town within the first five minutes of the show. Thankfully, now they're St. Louis's problem. Heh, take THAT, St. Louis. That's what you get for…I don't know…having an Arch.

Natasha bears the brunt of the bullshit, with Busted Ass Juliette Lewis (otherwise known as Ashley) calling her a man. This drama is underscored by the fact that Bret has brought on three new skanks to make things more interesting. Bret's reasoning? None of the original girls were providing him the emotional connection he needs, which caused me to snort-drink my Riesling and this stuff isn't cheap.


This show really should be called Tit Parade, because the next 10 minutes puts forth a blatant showing of nothing but the finest Tupperware. I feel like I could put tonight's leftover pasta in those cans, for real.


So anyway. Ashley is visibly upset by the addition of these tarts-in-training (skanklets?) that she seeks out Bret for a “talk.” Now, when these chicks start talking with Bret, I usually wince a little because it's like watching a girl cry in a bathroom stall after another girl tripped her in the school cafeteria. Nine times out of ten, it's emotional vomit, and Bret is not mentally equipped to deal with pent-up Daddy issues. Which is why I LOVE THIS SHIT SHOW.
But does Ashley get all Kotex on Bret? No! A few tears are shed, but she's remarkably honest and cool. He doesn't give her the bum's rush out of his bus, either. I am SHOCKED that she handled this so well.


Apparently, she's the only one who has. The other broads are picking on the skanklets and not providing Bret any emotion (which is totally the secret word for this episode!). Brittanya shows the most hostility, and tries pathetically and desperately to get Bret's attention toward the end. Donning her sluttiest rags from Forever 21's clearance rack, she suits up and hits Bret's gym, where she stares vacantly at him as he tries to figure out what she could possibly want to talk about when she's dressed like that.


Of course, what Brittanya has to offer to the world is bolted rather poorly to her chest, so she offers no personality, wit or grace -– just an awkward few minutes of forced conversation while Bret pumps some serious (like 35 pounds!) iron.


“I guess I'm just shy,” she tells the camera. How are you gonna show up in three sparkly rubber bands and tell us you're shy? How are you gonna cover your body in eye-catching, totally ridiculous tattoos and say you're shy? How the FUCK are you gonna threaten to – and I QUOTE – “kill you, bitch” and tell us you're shy? You're SHY? Oh, fuck off. Go away.


Unfortunately, she doesn't. In the end, Natasha's undoing is not the “she's a man” rumor, but the deadly “friend” status she's established with Bret. I guess when Bret says he's looking for a Rock of Love, he means a rock of LOOOOOOVE, if you get where I'm going with this. I need to stock up on the Riesling.



Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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February 09, 2009

FUTURE VISION

Prognosticating The Oscars With Half-Baked Reasoning

OSCAR TIME IS ALWAYS A TIME OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE joy for me. While other people take days off to spend holidays with their families, I take time off to watch the consistently over-scheduled Academy Awards.

I sit and yell at the screen as actors who clearly deserve the award are denied them for silly reasons beyond my or anyone else's understanding.

When it comes time to choose who is going to win, I made a list of rules to follow. So without further ado, here are my calls as to who's going to take home the little naked man-statues this year.

Best Actor: Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler

Why: Because he deserves it, dammit. He was fantastic and much like Heath Ledger as the Joker, no one knew how great of a performance he was really going to give. The only reason he might not win? Brad Pitt is Alpha man in La La Land.

Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight

Why: Because you don't nominate a dead guy and then don't give it to him -- that's just a dick move.

Best Actress: Meryl Streep For Doubt

Why: As much as I'd like to give it to Anne Hathaway, the most beautiful actress working in Hollywood today, Doubt is the only movie listed that actually deserves Oscar.

Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz for Vicky Christina Barcelona


Why: Because it is the best damn Woody Allen movie in a long time and no one has seen it.


Best Animated Feature: Kung Fu Panda


Why: Shocker right, how could I choose a Panda over Wall-E? Well, because Wall-E is a masterpiece and transcends awards. Kung Fu Panda wins because even dumb people can get it. Honestly, Wall-E should be in the best picture category, but instead we get two biopics and a movie about Kate Winslet having sex with a 15-year-old.


Best Animated Short: Presto


Why: Because it's the only one made by Pixar.


Best Directing: Slumdog Millionaire


Why: Because if you didn't see this movie, you're stupid and you should feel bad about yourself. Come back once you've seen it.


Best Foreign Language Film: Waltz With Bashir


Why: Why not? Most of you haven't heard of any of these movies and will be fetching snacks in the kitchen when the winner is annnounced anyway.


Best Musical Score: Wall-E


Why: Because it's the only movie nominated that relied more on it's score than on it's dialogue.


Best Song Wall-E's "Down to Earth"
Why: Because it's damn good song and the the only one on my Ipod.
Best Picture: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button


Why: David Fincher is a genius who turned in the novel Curious Case of Benjamin Button even though Slumdog Millionaire is the better movie.


Best Adapted Screenplay: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button


Why: Because it's the only movie that made more sense with a visual aid.


Best Original Screenplay: Wall-E.


Why: Because you all better get on your knees and pray to whatever diety or rock you pray to that we get another original story like Wall-E in 2009.


There you have it- my half-baked predictions for this year's three-hour waste of time. Maybe this year I'll be right, but I doubt it. I'll have to keep practicing my game for next year's predictions.


Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

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February 06, 2009

ILLUSIONISTS

Move Over Tyra, The Real Queen RuPaul Has Hit The Stage

IMove over, Miss Tyra Banks, THE ULTIMATE supermodel is back in town.

I’v been waiting patiently for this weeks' debut RuPaul’s Drag Race and it was everything I’d hoped for.

While I love a "bad girls" show – especially the bad girls editions of Cops and America’s Most Wanted -- I’m a little sick and tired of the cheap tricks who try to win the affections of some aging star by being whorish. I’m over the chicks who aren’t really bad girls - just stupid, nasty and ignorant (I’m looking at you Oxygen).

So who rides into my barren bad-girl world than drag artist extraordinaire RuPaul, accompanied by nine contestants ready to drag race.

Let’s start with their names cause queens ain’t called Bertha.

There’s Jade, Rebecca Glasscock, Ongina, Bebe Zahara Benet, Nina Flowers, Akashia, Tammy Brown, Shannel and Victoria Parker (whose real name is Victor! Victor/Victoria - get it?)

The ladies' sport very different styles, from the buxom and demure Victoria, to the sultry Shannel, to the fantastical theatrics of Nina Flowers.

There’s barely time for the contestants to get acquainted before in walks RuPaul - out of drag. The queens swoon even though he dressed in a black pinstriped suit with a pink tie, very nerdy black-rimmed glasses and bulbous bald head. I almost didn't recognize him. Am I the only one?

He praises the beauty of the contestants and promises the show will be "Hotter than Tyra wearing a fat suit in July." O SNAP!. The prizes are some kind of portrait, an eyewear campaign, $20,000 and sponsorship work with Absolut Vodka and Mac cosmetics. Oooo, aaahhhhh.

In a confessional moment, Rebecca Glasscock complains that Tammy Brown is constantly staring at her and winking. Tammy Brown, who appears to be channelling Joan Crawford, looks to me more like the little girl Pearl in the thriller Night Of The Hunter, with her very large forehead, tightly curled bang and red, red lips. She's just a wee bit creepy.

Shannel is gorgeous, as are Ongina, Rebecca and Bebe. Jade is also pretty and had the balls to show up in zebra-striped chaps with an ass you could bounce a quarter off of .

Akasha is bitchy and has a hint of too much man to be really attractive. Not quite as horrible as Wesley Snipes in Too Wong Foo, but headed in that direction.

Victoria says she's been doing drag for over 20 years so I think she could do a better makeup job. And Nina Flowers, wow, -- she is the fucking shit. She's her own unique species: part peacock, part alien, but all good.

The ladies' first challenge was a photo shoot with two extremely buff brothers. As the guys pretended to wash a hot, red car they also (and sometimes not so) gently sprayed the models with hoses. Some posed for their lives while others ended up as wet, soggy messes. Typical "Top Model" stuff. But Akashia did get off a good line when she trilled that her vagina got wet.

With a nod to Project Runway the next challenge, Drag On A Dime, requires the contestants to create outfits using materials gathered from thrift and dollar stores. Things like fabric, streamers, buttons and fake flowers.

As they toil on their creations, RuPaul walks around giving advice and being encouraging, just like a certain awesome white-haired dude who lives in New York and has his own style show. Of course some of the outfits turn out as complete disasters, while others are FIIIIIIIIERCE!

Elimination day and everybody is scared. While preparing to face the judges, judges, there're the usual commiserations, camaraderie, backstabbing and trash-talking. Also the different, defiant reasons they're not going home tonight! But someone is.

It's fascinating to watch them turn into the confections they become.

Nina Flowers, when out of drag, looked like a repo guy, all tattooed, buff, bald and hard. And while I've seen some before, Akashia's stick-on titties still left me agog. Maybe it was the suction sound when she snapped them off.

Nina in black boots, red plaid capris, red top, blonde mohawk and thin, red ribbons across her face, was the fucking shit AGAIN, causing RuPaul to remark, "it's getting severe up in here!" Dramatic and a little scary, the judges all loved her. She aced her photo shoot as well. But can this exotic bird, who looks like she has razor sharp talons, show her softer side, the judges wonder? I don't care, she's out there and fabbbuuullloouuusss and I love her.

Ongina is all marshmallow fluff. Victoria is a disaster in her ill-fitting two-toned green outfit. According to Miss Bitc, uh, Akashia, she looked like a football field. She should talk! Girlfriend walked down the runway like a drunken sailor and Santino. said her outfit looked like she was ready to give a $20 blowjob! (Yes, that Santino!)

Tammy Brown was called a Bette Davis look-a-like and while I can see what they meant, to me she's just jacked.

Then, she appears, finally - RuPaul in full, glorious drag. Blonde wig and a black semi-sheer gown that gives glimpse to her long legs and tight ass. The judges were somebody named Meryl Ginsburg, photographer Michael Ruiz, Santino Rice of Project Runway fame. And this week's guest judge was the great Bob Mackie!.

The fashion show narrows the field to 5, who are asked to explain how they created their outfits and get feedback on their photo shoot. In another Project Runway conceit, one of the 5 will be the winner and one will go home. They're judged pretty harshly, but we're looking for an international breakthrough STAR here. And the winner gets a 3-day stay at the Paris hotel in Vegas, baby. Of course, Nina Flowers wins this week's challenge and gets the trip AND immunity next week. The last two left standing are Akashia and Victoria, sweet karma. RuPaul goes into full Tyra mode as she tells each lady where they stand. Akashia did ok in her photo shoot but not fashion show. It was Victoria's first homemade outfit and it showed. But it's not over yet.

Their last chance to go further in the game or go home is to "lipsync for their lives" to RuPaul's hit Supermodel. Is this was a great show or what!

Poor Victoria lumbers around and almost falls off the stage so... Akashia wins. If you stay, you Shante.

As Victoria leaves gracefully, RuPaul thanks her and says, "Sashay away!" I'm already looking forward to the second season.


SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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February 05, 2009

REVENGE

Lutfi Vs. The Spears, Round Three

SAM LUTFI IS SUING BRITNEY SPEARS and her family for "libel, battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress," according to published reports. Oh, please, like this matted-up piece of Los Angeles sewage spillover has any feelings.

But apparently he does have a soiled credit record:TMZ.com is reporting that a lien was slapped on Lutfi's condo for $18,507.58 in debts, and that another credit card company claims he owes it $7,966.98. Lutfi has until February 10th to pay up or he'll lose his home.

Last Friday, Britney was granted a restraining order against Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib, barring them from having any contact with her, her parents or her kids. Wisely, Daddy Spears obtained the order after accusing Lutfi of harassment and "utter disregard for Ms. Spears's health and well being." Which is funny, because isn't that kind of what he and ex-wife Lynne Spears have been doing for years? I mean, you saw the damn book she wrote - Through the Storm: My Turn to Play the Martyr.

In his lawsuit, Lutfi points out "the book paints a damaging picture of him" as a lie, cheat, thief and drug-pusher.

The restraining order requires Lutfi, her former play boy Adnan Ghalib and attorney Jon Eardley to stay 250 yards away from Brit, her parents and kids. But here's the real "WOW!" -- the order also prohibits the three from "inducing or assisting another person to file legal pleadings'" on Brit's behalf. That's some heavy court intervention there. Does it strike anybody else that this case needs to be moved out of La La Land for a fair hearing?

Bottom line: the carnies surrounding Britney has brought douchebaggery to an art form. Why don't you all just cut her in half and get it over with?

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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February 04, 2009

SNACK-SIZED NEWS NUGGETS

Headline Mash-Up: Obama Says He 'Screwed Up' But Christian Bale Proves Screwy

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER! Here's the biggest headlines from the last 24 hours.

First up, President Obama downsizes Tom Daschle's plans to become Secretary of Health and Human Services. Some news organizations pose the question, "Can Obama repair his image as 'change' agent? Duh, I think that's why he just dumped Daschle. And it's a good thing, too.

Obama still has the crud of Chicago's political machine on his heels (see Blagojevich, Daley et al.) so he needs to be particularly keen on keeping his image polished. Why throw away all the good will that followed him into office by hiring a man whose job would be to bite the hands that fed him $5 million over the last four years?

"I screwed up," Obama said in an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper. No you didn't, sir. You did good.

Sam Lutfi (or Lufti, you pick) sues Jamie and Lynn Spears for slandering his name. This, on the same day that NME.com reports her former attorney Jon Eardley wrote Brit in January saying that "her civil rights were violated and that she is being bled dry by her parents, [and]...that her children are being used as pawns."

This follows just days after published reports that Britney (or, to be exact, her conservator father) had taken out restraining orders against Lutfi and her ex-pap pal Adnan Ghalib allegedly because the duo were scheming to gain control of the singer's affairs.

I hope one of these cases gets to court because I really would like to know who wears the white hat in this story.

Actor Christian Bale makes headlines with a year-old verbal assault on the cinematographer of Terminator Salvation. Bale ends his psychotic break with a, "You and me, man, we're fucking done professionally." Someone is, Christian! Crabby has one word: sociopath! Oh, and by the way, if anyone else out there has similar audio of other celebrities abusing people, Crabby would be happy to publish it!

Jen Aniston rescues strays! Ohh, a girl after my own heart. But you just know the story of her saving a dog from traffic will fuel the never-ending saga between her and you-know-who. Mark my word, it'll be just days before we hear how Brangelina intercepted whalers at sea before departing Japan.

And MySpace turns over the names of 90,000 sex offenders banished from its pages to authorities. Moms, dads, activate your computer's parental controls!

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WAX MUSIC

Apply Salve Before Sampling YouTube's 'Chapstick' Girl

I'M SITTING AT MY PARENT'S HOUSE WHEN I CHECK MY FACEBOOK. I have a wall post from my roommate, Andy. "This makes me SO uncomfortable," it reads. Below it is a hyperlink to YouTube. I click on the blue link and my world is changed forever.

I meet a pimply-faced, rotund teenage girl. Her bulbous frame, clad in a red T-shirt, fills the computer screen. Her face rests gently on her left hand, and she emits a Napoleon Dynamite-esque sigh. She rubs her lips, and declares that they hurt.

"Where's the chapstick?" she asks herself. And then, precisely 11 seconds into the video, it dawns on her -- it's song time. For the next 90 seconds I'm entranced by high-pitched beat boxing punctuated by "Where's the chapstick?!," and then finally "I found the chapstick!!" in a goofy-as-shit voice.

Read the full story about Chapstick Girl here.
Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com

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February 03, 2009

KING KLASS

Making Way For the Crowd In P. Diddy's Mind

IHAD JUST GRABBED A SLICE OF PIZZA AT RAY'S IN MIDTOWN WHEN I WAS ENGAGED in the bad habit of walking down the sidewalk while texting.

Suddenly, I hear a deep voice.

"Excuse me! You're not coming in here, are you?" booms the voice.

I look up; the voice is coming from a large man in a sharp looking jacket and black driver's cap guarding the entrance to the building next to Ray's.

I'm confused. After all, I'm a good 10 feet from the door and making a B-line for the next block. I stop and look at him, puzzled.

"I'm sorry?"

"You ain't coming in here I hope!,'' barks the man. "You ain't trying to get in, are you? You can't be coming in here right now! I can't let you in!"

This guy is adamant about keeping me away from the door that I have no intention of entering. That's when I realize I'm outside the entrance to Bad Boy Entertainment Worldwide, the business umbrella of Sean John Combs, a.k.a Puff Daddy, a.k.a Puffy, a.k.a P. Diddy, a.k.a Diddy, a.k.a Cheesy Poofs, a.k.a Rumplestiltskin (because, why not?).

"No, I- I'm not- what? I-," I stutter. And now I want in because something obviously going on!

That's when I see them: two men walking up the sidewalk and heading for the door, and one of them is most definitely Seanie Poofs himself. His head is buried deep into the hood of a white goose down coat (likely his own line), and he has his signature shades on. He walks swiftly and vigilantly toward the door with the second man nearly glued to his hips. I presume: the body guard?

Someone must have called ahead to let the doorman know Puffs was approaching so they could clear the path for him.

Cause, Lord knows how dangerous this area can get! A big name like Seanie Poofs could get swarmed by book editors, concert oboists, bike messengers, even hot dog vendors! He has to move swiftly and incognito to his office, lest the self-proclaimed fragrance King be harassed on his way to approve T-shirt designs!

But here's the funny thing: I looked around...and... there is... nobody on the sidewalk but me. All the hullabaloo is much ado about nothing.

I mean, if the Puffer gotten out of a cab by himself and strolled down the block without his face covered, no one would have noticed. I wouldn't even have known it was him. It's New York, for pissant's sake. We've all got things to do.

"Oh," I say to the doorman, "that's your man, huh? The guy who runs this place?" "Nah, nah, nah. That ain't him.

"Nah," as if to say, "Move along, now, layman."

It's obvious that Seanie Poofs has an incessant need to feel powerful and important, hence the theatrics involved in making his way to a door.

It's okay, Seanie Poofs. You're important. I've been to the less affluent neighborhoods in Brooklyn, where I've seen middle aged men walking down the streets with your signature hooded sweatshirts (which retail in the neighborhood of $140). Why they're such suckers for brand recognition, I don't know. But you've managed to sucker them all. I guess that makes you important, or maybe just rich.

Peter Lawrence kicks up the dirt while pounding New York City's pavements. You can email him at PLawrenceNYC@gmail.com

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February 02, 2009

BLATHER

Tabloid Trash Talk

A Familiar Recipe: Mix Tom And Katie, Brit and Brangelina Together, Then Blend!

A SLOW NEWS WEEK IN TABLOID WORLD, FOLKS.

OK! WeeklyOn The Cover: There’s no rest for weary turkey basters! Tom and Katie might be expecting another baby! Again!

Inside, there’s no place more romantic than the European leg of a promotional tour for a failing movie to knock up your wife. If she keeps popping out kids eventually they’ll hit the Scientology triple cherries. Suri's cute and all, but she’s no reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.

Jessica Simpson tells the world “If I weren’t Jessica Simpson no one would care” about her weight gain. Well, you are Jessica Simpson and I still don’t care. Hush trolls!

Just in time for the big 4-0 Jennifer Aniston seems to have ditched rocker boyfriend, John Mayer, again. Maybe it’s serious this time; Mayer doesn’t have new quips for the stalkerazzi these days. The guest list for her star-studded birthday party reveals that Jen spends way too much time with married couples. Maybe she and Renee Zellweger should go cougar it up, let David Arquette get some alone time with his wife.

Us Weekly

On The Cover: Secrets of a White House Mom: It’s not delivery, it’s DeGiorno!

Inside: Damn we’ve got a good looking First Family! Continuing their unnecessarily intimate coverage of The Obamas, US interviewed friends and family of the First Lady to get all of the dirt. Except it seems there isn’t any. The family is settling into their posh, new digs and hosted a party for the White House staff. There’s also coverage of the effect the Obama Bump is having on the fashion world. J. Crew is lovin’ it!

Also: Jessica Simpson’s ass proves once again that stars really are "just like us." When you eat chips, guacamole and chicken wings that’s what you’re going to look like in high-waisted jeans. Personally, prefer velour track pants.

Next! John Travolta alerts police to an extortion plot against him in the Bahamas. All we know is there were secret documents being offered in exchange for $25 million. What's in them is anyone's guess. Toupee receipts, more photos of John lip-locking with guy friends. Maps to a hidden Scientology base where they stockpile their WMDs, it could be anything! Except that John wasn't paying up.

Life & Style

On The Cover: Wonder Twin Powers activate! The Jolie-Pitt babies finally see the light of day.

Inside: The Brangelina circus comes to the Tokyo. There’s no story here. Just a photo of two giant-eyed babies strapped to their parents' chests. The only one missing in this picture is Maddox. It’s nice of him to let these other kids get a little spotlight for once.

Also: I tried to read this story about Britney Spears’ fear that K-Fed’s new girlfriend is replacing her in the life of her sons but I was blinded by the monstrosity that is Federline's sumo-sized gut. It looks like he’s wearing a bulletproof fat suit under that tee shirt.

Rumored Whitney Houston boy-toy Ray J. Norwood becomes VH1’s next walking contradiction with his new show For the Love of Ray J.” He says his ideal woman is "classy" but his example is Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls. Somehow I don’t think classy means what he thinks.

National Enquirer

On The Cover: Exploiting the Caylee Anthony story for all it's worth.

Inside: Wow I can’t imagine why a guy whose daughter is accused of murdering her infant daughter and whose family is being dragged through the press wringer might want to commit suicide. Nope, can’t think of one good reason.

Also: The election of Barack Obama has brought its own brand of change to the Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher household. The couple is rumored to be adopting a baby this summer. Moore’s ovaries must look like the portrait of Dorian Gray but they are crediting the President’s election with their choice of adoption. Does that mean they'll be adding a brown tyke to their family à la Brangelina and Madonna?

The Enquirer all but declares Patrick Swayze dead in their story about his battle with cancer written mostly in the past tense. Sadly, it sounds like he’s not doing too well. It’s never a good sign when someone holes up in a secluded hideaway to write the memoirs, people.

While other magazines are reporting Britney Spears bought her new place to be closer to K-Fed and her sons, NE reports that it’s because the old place was haunted! It doesn’t matter where you run, Brit, you can’t escape the ghost of your career!

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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'NOUGH SAID

Amazing Grace: Jennifer Hudson Soars Despite Tragedy

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February 01, 2009