SELLING CELEBRITY

Tabloid Trash Talk

Ang Races Jen To The Altar! Katie's Gets A Scientology 'Cleansing.' And Frances Bean Grows Up

By Vegas

BACK TO WORK, FLACKS!

It's only January 5th and the dream weavers have already been very busy getting their clients -- adults and toddlers alike -- in the tabloids. Or doing a really pissy job of keeping them out!

OK! Weekly

OK's cover screams that doctors warn Angelina Jolie she’ll be risking her life if she gets pregnant again. Angie might have to channel her inner Laura Croft if she and Brad want more biological children. Complications during her previous pregnancies have led doctors, who don’t treat her, to report that she shouldn’t risk having any more kids. Good thing the Third World is so big. There are plenty of babies for this altruistic couple to adopt, though there's no doubt progeny from their gene pool advances evolution.

Also: What the fuck is Alanis Morissette doing in the tabs? Well, isn’t THIS ironic? The feminist icon for every “wommyn” in my sophomore dormitory has finally jumped on the body image crazy train with an interview about dropping 20 pounds.

Hers isn’t the only body OK! is offering up to ogles.

A six page article of nine of 2009’s “Hottest Bodies” puts Britney at #1. Killer abs will get you everywhere! Nicollette Sheridan likes nude housework as a workout. There are some things you just shouldn’t do naked, and vacuuming under the coffee table is definitely one of them.

Star

Nicole Richie is ready for baby No. 2! Nicole and Joel are planning a sibling for little Harlow in 2009. They’re aiming for a big brood and hoping for twins, which run in the Madden family (Joel’s twin, Benji, famously dated Paris Hilton for a hot second.) I think it’s just an excuse for Nicole to launch a new maternity clothing line, because the world needs another unaffordable celebrity clothing label.

Also: It’s The Year of the Baby and Star reports that Lance Armstrong’s “secret” girlfriend and Molly Ringwald are both expecting. Sadly for Lance, Molly is not his secret girlfriend. That would be news.

Read more of this week's tabloid trash talk here.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.