HAPPINESS IS A SIZE 12
Trolls Trounce On Jessica For Weight Gain, But Science Suggests She's Happier
By Crabby Golightly
AS THEY PICK AND PULL AT HER FOR ADDING A FEW POUNDS, WHAT THE BLULTURES OVERLOOK IS THE WIDENESS JESSICA SIMPSON'S SMILE.
Okay, the leopard-printed belt was a mistake, and the pants may be some kind of fashion faux pas, but Crabby wouldn't know. In my view, high wastes are far and away a better option than letting love handles spill over lowriders.
And in these days when you have to choose between eating and being cool, Crabby always opts for the chow.
In Crabbytown, aging is not a sin for which one must perform 10 Hail Marys and 3 hour workouts out as penance, but rather an inevitable fact of life. God help all those fading stars in Hollywood's vast firmament now subjected to the "Memba hims?" on TMZ.com.
But...do you notice how wide Jessica's smile is? She doesn't seem so unhappy performing her honky tonk on the road. Crabby wonders whether it's possible that she even might be happier?
That's what a study done by the makers of Special K suggests: that women who wear size 12s (Size 14 in the UK) are the happiest with their lives and looks.
These full-figured lasses rate their general happiness higher than any other group of women, with a quarter of them reporting being extremely happy.
More than 43 percent of this group also reported being happy in their careers; a third said they couldn't be more content with their love life, according to the Huffington Post.
The second largest group of happy females wore size 10 (or 12 in the UK), with three out of four saying reported being "completely" satisfied with their friendships.
That said, of the 3,000 women surveyed, 48% of them professed being disatisfied with their with their bodies. And no wonder, what with the scrutiny that media trolls put women under.
In case we have to remind you, Simpson's Daisy Dukes was just a 'character,'' for which she "had to work out six days a week, two and a half hours a day. I was on a South Beach diet. I cut sugar out," she told reporters.
The full-figured model Emme points out that it's impossible for any woman to keep up that routine long-term, and she takes offense at the brouhaha that Jessica's weight has created.
"If you really think about how hard it is for her to keep the weight she had before, it's unattainable," Emme said. "You would have to live in the gym."
"First of all," "Jessica Simpson in these pictures...looks beautiful. She really does. Maybe she's not working out four hours a day in the gym... We don't need any of this body bashing, especially with these images that are so beautiful." Jessica's brother-in-law Pete Wentz also chimed in with, "I think the media puts too harsh of a spotlight on women in general...It's bad for young women. I see it affecting young girls who come to our shows and that's a bummer. Real beauty is on the inside, man."
And beau delicious reality TV star Kim Kardashian also got's Jessica's backend.
"Call me crazy, but when I saw the picture, I was like, 'Oh my God, Jessica looks hot!,'" Kardashian told People.com. "I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous."
We say to Jessica: Your best revenge against the trolls is to tune them out.
By Marc Sakol 
Despite subhuman conditions, the snow and cold offer the temporary white-washing of the world's grim news and grime. 
When the winner was announced, 
