Tabloid Trash Talk
SELLING CELEBRITY
Tabloid Trash Talk
Us Weekly Prattles On, OK! Buys Into 'Free City,' and National Enquirer Fingers Oprah As Homewrecker
By Vegas 
USWEEKLY CAPITALIZES ON THE NEW MRS. PRATT'S “no drama wedding” drama for the second week straight. The first part of the story is about Heidi’s mom and how her family is coping with what they are calling “the biggest mistake of Heidi’s life.” Way to stay classy Egelhoffs.
There’s a photo spread of Heidi, her mom and her old nose frolicking idyllically and an interview with Darlene Egelhoff. On the one hand, the furious mom is disappointed that she wasn’t involved with planning the wedding. But on the other she’s super pissed it happened at all.
I’m guessing they can get one more cover story out of this by reconciling mother and daughter before the countdown to divorce actually begins. There are rumors about a contract the newlyweds have with US so, who knows?
They might just adopt a baby from Burkina Faso next month.
There’s a rebuttal interview with the Pratts accompanied by a few staged photos of them on the beach. I don’t know if he’s rubbing lotion on or giving her a rub down. Either way, she’s presenting like a baboon in one of these shots and it’s fucking gross.
There’s also a one-page pity party for Britney Spears that leans heavily on material from her recent MTV interview. And an A-Z list of celebrity babies. Pay attention to this list. Some day all of these kids will be in group therapy together somewhere. Right, Kal-El Cage?
OK! Weekly
“Britney In Crisis!” screams the cover. Now tussle your hair and give us a look over your shoulder. Perfect! One more! Beautiful.
Inside, the story is so boring I didn’t even mark the page it’s on. Dad/Manager/Conservator Jamie Spears has Brit Brit on a short leash and a tight schedule. She’s lip-synching her way around the world hidden behind a security detail. All her calls and visitors are monitored. This tour sure sounds like it was great idea. Yep, nothing can go wrong here.
Anne Hathaway is in here too. You may remember Anne from such dramas as “My Boyfriend Is a Money-Laundering Fraud.” After she helped send him off to prison she gave up cigarettes, drinking and eating meat. And she somehow still managed to meet a new guy in New Orleans. If she’s not smoking, drinking or eating meat that only leaves kinky sex as a way to pass time in New Orleans. I’m just sayin.’
There’s a photo essay about Free City, a Malibu company that makes overpriced sweatshirts that all the celebrities love to wear. I could probably make myself one with a Champion and some iron-ons.
Life & Style Weekly
The cover touts a new diet fad that’s better than lipo. That isn't possible!
Inside, Bill Romanowski, a Linebacker who wrought mayhem across the NFL in his day, is pushing a new line of diet shakes (Steroids not included.) Nutrition53 is reportedly popular with Angelina, Britney and Sarah Palin (?!) There is no direct endorsement from any of these celebrities except Bill Romanowski.
Hallelujah! The Cruises and Beckhams have kissed and made up. The feud is over! Wait, what feud? Well, whatever it was, differences were put aside as this Glamorati clique painted the town red in NYC over the holiday. All is right with the world.
In L&S’s Britney story she’s going on dates carefully orchestrated by her handlers. They sound like real winners too: an “older Harry Potter” and some old “LA suave” dude. I guess that’s what you get when you let your dad arrange your dates.
The National Enquirer Mark Consuelos might be leaving Kelly Ripa! A tear drops in Brooklyn.
The tab says Oprah might be giving Mr. Ripa a spin-off based on the weekly segment he’s been doing on her show. Kelly won’t leave NY or her show and now the power struggle will play out in headlines. Kelly’s been waiting for Regis to die so Mark can have his spot on the perennial Live With Regis & Some Blond Chick. If he takes the O Train to Chicago not only is he leaving his family behind but also a lucrative future as the King of Morning Television.
Jamie Lynn Spears continues to advance the cause of stupid, lazy rednecks everywhere by having fat-dissolving injections into her stomach. She’s 17! Get off your ass and go for a damn walk. Do a sit up, fer chrissake.
In other Stupid Celebrity News, Kristin Stewart forgot pot is illegal and smoked up on her front porch. A photo lives forever. It's funny, too, 'cause a month ago who would have given a s---!
Marlon Brando’s personal assistant is dropping bombshells in her new tell-all book. Working for the star renowned for his girth as much as for the roles he made famous, was like life in a Roman Vomitorium for Alice Marchak. She’s claiming that Brando was a secret bulimic who would eat his meals, go throw up and then come back for a second meal! Debauchery done right! Oh and also The Big B only took that iconic roll in The Godfather so Sir Lawrence Oliver couldn’t have it. Yeah, I can’t see it either.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses at craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which take up too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
There’s a rebuttal interview with the Pratts accompanied by a few staged photos of them on the beach. I don’t know if he’s rubbing lotion on or giving her a rub down. Either way, she’s presenting like a baboon in one of these shots and it’s fucking gross.
There’s also a one-page pity party for Britney Spears that leans heavily on material from her recent MTV interview. And an A-Z list of celebrity babies. Pay attention to this list. Some day all of these kids will be in group therapy together somewhere. Right, Kal-El Cage?
OK! Weekly
“Britney In Crisis!” screams the cover. Now tussle your hair and give us a look over your shoulder. Perfect! One more! Beautiful.
Inside, the story is so boring I didn’t even mark the page it’s on. Dad/Manager/Conservator Jamie Spears has Brit Brit on a short leash and a tight schedule. She’s lip-synching her way around the world hidden behind a security detail. All her calls and visitors are monitored. This tour sure sounds like it was great idea. Yep, nothing can go wrong here.
Anne Hathaway is in here too. You may remember Anne from such dramas as “My Boyfriend Is a Money-Laundering Fraud.” After she helped send him off to prison she gave up cigarettes, drinking and eating meat. And she somehow still managed to meet a new guy in New Orleans. If she’s not smoking, drinking or eating meat that only leaves kinky sex as a way to pass time in New Orleans. I’m just sayin.’
There’s a photo essay about Free City, a Malibu company that makes overpriced sweatshirts that all the celebrities love to wear. I could probably make myself one with a Champion and some iron-ons.
Life & Style Weekly
The cover touts a new diet fad that’s better than lipo. That isn't possible!
Inside, Bill Romanowski, a Linebacker who wrought mayhem across the NFL in his day, is pushing a new line of diet shakes (Steroids not included.) Nutrition53 is reportedly popular with Angelina, Britney and Sarah Palin (?!) There is no direct endorsement from any of these celebrities except Bill Romanowski.
Hallelujah! The Cruises and Beckhams have kissed and made up. The feud is over! Wait, what feud? Well, whatever it was, differences were put aside as this Glamorati clique painted the town red in NYC over the holiday. All is right with the world.
In L&S’s Britney story she’s going on dates carefully orchestrated by her handlers. They sound like real winners too: an “older Harry Potter” and some old “LA suave” dude. I guess that’s what you get when you let your dad arrange your dates.
The National Enquirer Mark Consuelos might be leaving Kelly Ripa! A tear drops in Brooklyn.
The tab says Oprah might be giving Mr. Ripa a spin-off based on the weekly segment he’s been doing on her show. Kelly won’t leave NY or her show and now the power struggle will play out in headlines. Kelly’s been waiting for Regis to die so Mark can have his spot on the perennial Live With Regis & Some Blond Chick. If he takes the O Train to Chicago not only is he leaving his family behind but also a lucrative future as the King of Morning Television.
Jamie Lynn Spears continues to advance the cause of stupid, lazy rednecks everywhere by having fat-dissolving injections into her stomach. She’s 17! Get off your ass and go for a damn walk. Do a sit up, fer chrissake.
In other Stupid Celebrity News, Kristin Stewart forgot pot is illegal and smoked up on her front porch. A photo lives forever. It's funny, too, 'cause a month ago who would have given a s---!
Marlon Brando’s personal assistant is dropping bombshells in her new tell-all book. Working for the star renowned for his girth as much as for the roles he made famous, was like life in a Roman Vomitorium for Alice Marchak. She’s claiming that Brando was a secret bulimic who would eat his meals, go throw up and then come back for a second meal! Debauchery done right! Oh and also The Big B only took that iconic roll in The Godfather so Sir Lawrence Oliver couldn’t have it. Yeah, I can’t see it either.
Vegas is a gambler who always loses at craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which take up too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.
