POP PSYCHOLOGY

Is The Idiot Box The Cause Or Symptom of Misery?

By Thystle Blum

TELEVISION HAS PERFECTED THE ART OF ATTRACTING miserable people to its mundane, soft-glowing, visage.

Talk shows, soap operas, music videos, video games, porn, fashion shows, movies -- all are designed with the express purpose of attracting people who have nothing better to do.

So it’s no surprise that unhappy people glue themselves to the television 30 percent more than happy people, according to John Robinson of The University of Maryland, who authored the study published in the journal Social Indicators Research.

The findings were culled from the survey of nearly 30,000 American adults conducted between 1975 and 2006 as part of the University of Chicago’s General Social Survey.

Researchers found that happy individuals were more socially active, attended more religious services, voted more and read newspapers more frequently than their less-chipper counterparts. But they didn’t solve the “chicken-versus egg” debate: Does the box make people unhappier, or do unhappier just tune in more?

Here’s another study idea for you, Professor Robinson: Why don’t you check the correlation of IQ to hours of television watched?

The box promotes a fugue state that is neither restful, nor exertive. It’s just vegetative, and in this relaxed state your mind is open to any suggestion being fed to it. That’s where the phrase “idiot box” originates, according to the journal of “Crabby.”

And what about the geography of those TV watchers? I’ll gamble where you live has as much to do with your happiness than your viewing habits. If you have no place to go, TV’s your inevitable best friend. Unless, of course, you’re willing to attend the church in the neighborhood.

My conclusion: Voters, churchgoers, and newspaper readers are looking for the same thing that the chubby, zit faced teen watching porn on the spice channel: something to fill the void in their lives. They just leave the house to do it.

Thystle Blum lives in the south suburbs of Chicago, and hopes to one day rid the world of the evil of religion.