OPRAH

Avenging Oprah's Gonna Be Anngrrry!!!! Gonna Have to Spank Holocaust's Dark 'Angel' Live On TV!

By Crabby Golightly

STOP IN THE NAME OF PROFIT, Penguin Group, and think twice about cancelling Herman Rosenblat's historical fiction Angel at the Fence: The True Story of a Love that Survived.

Poor Mr. Rosenblat. Not only is he a Holocaust survivor but now he must face one of life's most cruel rebukes: that of Oprah Winfrey, who not once, but twice has been duped by publishers whom we can only presume endlessly slavish her with praise and presents.

Wasn't it mere years ago that James Frey's ego got shattered into a million little pieces by the Almighty O, but conveniently only after the New York Times and the Washington Post told her that, ahem, it really was wrong to lie.

So now the jig is up about Mr. Rosenblat's faux death camp romance, during which his future wife surreptitiously fed him apples through a fence. Fast forward to the years after the War when he meets his savior on a blind date! What a story arc!

But here's my suggestion, Penguin Division et al.: Make Rosenblat go on Oprah's show to confess in person. Then she can pull his pants down and spank him LIVE! ON! TV!

Think of the ratings! Think of the publicity! Think of the book's last chapter, which surely isn't written yet!

Or you can just ask Oprah's audience to Skype in his punishment and let the verbal bullets fall where they may.

Because, ultimately, there is always a way to sell your product on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

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December 30, 2008

ONE FOR TEAM JEN

Sweet Revenge For Jen Over Brad At The Box Office

By Crabby Golightly

I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME THAT I WOULD THINK JENNIFER ANISTON WAS PRETTIER THAN BRAD PITT. Today is that day.

Is anyone else as sick of seeing Brad's puffy face as I am? Over-saturation is a real phenomenon and Brangelina has reached its tipping point.

Apparently America agrees to some degree, because it awarded Jen the Christmas box office with her sentimental flick Marley & Me written by former Philadelphia Inquirer columnist John Grogan. (Full disclosure: the Inky was once hallowed grounds to Crabby when she was a wee cub long before Grogan showed up.)

Jen's movie scored $50.7 million since opening Christmas Day, while Brad Pitt's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button earned a modest (my word, not the critics), $26.9 million over the four-day weekend.

Personally I'm hoping that this year Brangelina does what Angelina promises and fades into our memories.

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NEWS ROUNDUP

Super 'Bitching' News Bites

THE HOUNDS ARE BACK ON THE SCENT AFTER THE HOLIDAYS, and the news pages are busting loose.

Another Palin enters the world! And teen parents Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston just feed conspiracy theorists' fodder by naming their new wee one Tripp. That's just two letters away from her supposed illegitimate son Trig.

The new couple will pocket $300,000 for the new baby's pics from People magazine.

And in that serendipitious way that news sometimes comes, a new story reports that virginity pledges don't work. I wonder what Sarah Palin has to say about the study just days after becoming a grandma?

Actor Woody Harrelson married his partner of 20 years and mom to three daughters. Congrats to Laura Louie, who must have a great sense of humor.

And Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony deny rumors of a split! But then again, so did Madonna right before her marriage to Guy Ritchie imploded. And, seriously, didn't we all just expect this twosome to end knowing he was the rebounder after her tryst with Ben Affleck?

And in what has to be the most pathetic headline written about the crazed California Santa, MSNBC intones that the gunman became "distant" after he got married. Yup, that explains his murderous rampage.

Uh, can someone point out that a better headline would have been about the obliterated wife's friend who was grieving over the death of a chum of 30 years? I guess I just did.

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SELLING CELEBRITY

Tabloid Trash Talk

Ho-Ho-Hum! This Week's Tabs Suffer Post-Holiday Blahs, Plead Guilty to Boring!

By Vegas

IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, KIDS, AND I AM TOO BLOATED ON RICH FOODS AND CHEAP WINE to really give a figgy pudding about what The Celebrities are up to. Luckily the editors of the tabloid weeklies feel the same way. There’s enough unsubstantiated filler in these mags to stuff a turducken, so here's an abbreviated rundown.

IN TOUCH Weekly

On The Cover: “Katie Looks Pregnant!” Inside, Some random members of the audience of All My Sons tell reporters that Katie looks pregnant. That’s pretty much all they’ve got. There are some fun photos of Katie’s last pregnancy. Oh we all can be sure that the mysterious, disappearing vagaries of the much-rumored baby bump will be recycled in the near-too future again!

Up next: Brad and Angelina are adopting another baby and skipping back to southern France. Everyone is worried that Brad can’t cope with more kids. Maybe all of that room in the French mansion will help.

In Touch reports that Britney secretly suffers stage fright. She’s got anti-anxiety meds to take before performances. Remember this information; it will come in handy later.

And J-Lo is treating herself to retail therapy as reports of her marriage collapsing keep coming. The latest tab is alleged to $95,000, that’s a lot of very shiny, sparkly therapy. But she'd probably get more out of the traditional kind where they make you sit down and face your own shit. Much cheapter too!

And this had me knee-slapping! Tila Tequila calls Natalie Portman her role model. Because, she says (heh heh) Natalie Portman reminds her of herself (Muah ha ha ha ha ha.) Because she has so much class and good breeding. But I guess it'd be redundant to mention the idea of regular therapy for a second time in the same post.

Read the full story here!

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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December 29, 2008

Taking Bets On Which New Star Gets New Nose First

By Natalie Melendez

RUN FOR COVER! STOCK THE PANTRY! Because you know the U.S. is dangerously unstable when the plastic surgery industry hits the skids.

In a recent poll, nearly 60% of women admitted the economy was forcing them to defer their, ahem, investment in plastic surgery.

La La Land’s surgeons say business has dropped nearly 60 percent this year compared to 2007.

Bluntly, this means the average middle- to upper-middle class, insecure, self-loathing 18- to 50-something-year old isn’t going to get that cosmetic fix to solve her problems this year. Little Cate isn’t going to get those breast implants as a graduation present after all; she’ll have to settle for a water-bra instead.

It’s a sad, sad time for the men and women who believe their lives would be better, if only the credit crunch wasn’t denying them access to that coveted butt lift or those youthful hair plugs!

But I have a hunch there's still a viable market for cosmetic plastics in the celebrity “niche.”

Even with plastic surgery on the down-and-out in Beverly Hills, what’s to stop stars like Jennifer Aniston from dropping a couple grand on the help of a surgeon’s skilled scalpel? With multi-million dollar earnings from this season’s tour-de-force Marley & Me,” (cough, cough), and those Friends’s residuals, surely it’d be no skin off her nose, figuratively speaking of course.

Read the full story here!

Natalie Melendez is a work in progress. Currently she resides in an undisclosed mountainous California location, where she spends her time studying, writing and roasting chestnuts by the fire. You can email her here.

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December 22, 2008

SELLING CELEBRITY

Tabloid Trash Talk

Paris and Barbie: Separated at The Plastic Factory? J.Lo Loses Her Marital Bling. And Christmas Comes For Celebspawns!

By Vegas

USWEEKLY has Jennifer Lopez on the cover looking so sparkly that we might have missed her undressed wedding ring finger if a big yellow circle didn't highlight the missing bling!

Careful ladies, whoever lets Skeletor touch them is the next to die! Just ask J-Lo’s career! According to “inside sources,” Marc Anthony is too controlling and Jen blames him for her career hitting the skids. Scientology may play a role as well. Jen’s BFF, Leah Remini, is a member of the religion-cum-cult and may be working on bringing Jen over to the dark side, which is not somewhere Marc Anthony will follow.

Also, remember it's vacation week for the working press! That means it's prime season for ''evergreens," in this case being lots of photo reruns. Photos of everything from Ashley Simpson’s boobs to Pam Anderson’s ass. Celebrity babies, celebrity couples, celebrity snacks and a “Recessionista” fashion spread. Sienna Miller wins in an American Apparel dress costing $38.

Husband and wife team Harry Hamlin (As TMZ says, "Memba him?) and Lisa Rinna are shooting a reality-TV project. The pitch is an I Love Lucy takeoff called I Love Lisa that they’re hoping TVLand will pick up. Rinna is quoted as saying “We thought that would be funny TV.” You thought wrong.

And -- surprise! Tara Reid is in rehab! Apparently alcohol has ruined her career. And here I thought it was her acting.

Brad Pitt turns 45 this month. US honors him with a Then & Now pictorial that declares his past as “puffy.” Really though it was more feathered and highlighted than puffy.

Life & Style Weekly

On the cover, it's all about those Christmas miracles we know and love as celebrity babies!

Inside, there's the alleged scoop on how the adorable, chubby winners of gene bingo will be spending their holidays. It’s all so sweet I went into diabetic shock. Luckily, insulin was handy.

And, gasp! Britney wants plastic surgery. The photo of her is so airbrushed that you can’t tell what she’d get nip/tucked, but apparently she’s obsessed with the idea. Insiders say she’s bent on surgery and whatever Brit-Brit wants, Brit-Brit gets, except custody of her children or control over her money. Let's hope dad doesn't sign off on the boob job.

L&F diagrams where all of Michael Jackson’s millions have disappeared to. Nothing shocking here: Neverland Ranch, exotic animals, plastic surgery and legal bills. It’s sad that none of that is shocking.

There’s a celebrity-news IQ test where you have to identify boobs, baby bumps and bling. I bombed the question on which celebrity was released from jail on October 21. There are just too many release dates to keep them all straight.

Check out rest of Tabloid Trash Talk here.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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GAME BOY

Last Minute Gifts For The Gamer In Your Life

By Marc Sakol

VWhat’s your favorite computer geek going to do all day Christmas? How’s he going to weasel in play time on the virtual box with extended family members popping by?

Let’s give him an excuse to be anti-social!? (And I use the male pronoun, ‘cause honestly, isn’t that who we’re really talking about here?)

With the countdown-to-Christmas speeding up, here’s a list of recommended gifts for gamers. And if you get them one, then they can blame staying in the basement as gratitude for getting such a cool Christmas present! Chrono Trigger (DS): The original Chrono Trigger for the Super Nintendo is still considered one of the greatest role-playing games ever created. This DS re-make combines the original game with additions from the playstation remake and adds in some new dungeons and makes it portable. The perfect gift for anyone who loves RPG’s.

World of Warcraft: Wraith of the Lich King (PC): With 13 million players worldwide, this game must have something great. This entry on the list is conditional though; it depends on whether or not your gamer plays WoW and that he doesn’t already own this newest expansion.

Wii Fit (Wii): Perfect for the casual gamer. It offers quick fun game play as well as compatibility to dozens of other games. Great for moms who want to take up Yoga.

Mirror’s Edge (Xbox 360, PS3): Easily one of the best and most original games to come out this year. This government conspiracy/ Parkour-sim/ first-person-platformer only appears so low on this list because it can be beaten in seven hours and may cause some motion sickness.

Resistance 2 / Gears of War 2 (PS3 / Xbox 360): Personally, I see little difference between the two games, but that’s just my biased opinion. Both of the games are really good first-person-shooters, which is why they tie on the list; it just depends on which system you own. If you own both systems and can only choose one: I would have to say Gears of War 2. It’s more popular.

Little Big Planet (PS3): You'll fall in love with it the moment you start playing it. It allows you to create hundreds of levels of your own design. It also lets you play other people’s levels using the Playstation Network, meaning there is always going to be a new level to play every time you turn on the game.

Check out the full list here.

Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made, and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

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December 21, 2008

INTERNET GOSSIP

Tony Danza Is Dead. Seriously. Not.

By Crabby Golightly

TONY DANZA IS DEAD. OR NOT.

The internet rumor swirling Wednesday was that Tony had fallen off a cliff 60 feet to his death while filming in New Zealand. A freelancer wrote breathlessly to Crabby saying that the 80s TV actor had exited this realm. Hmmm. Why no story on Google?

A quick scan of news sites showed only that the actor's house in Park City, Utah is for rent. Now there's a sales pitch! Rent Dead Actor's Home!

Oh, another discovery: that the star has been accused of allegedly stalked a Staten Island man whom he thought was a relative of the dead crooner Frank Sinatra. For the record, Tony, we do not believe for a New York second that you would ever do something that ridiculous.

Then is always the possibility that Tony just got his ass kicked when he appeared on The Contender, Mark Burnett's boxing reality series, which launched its fourth season earlier this month. But then I think I would have heard about the ass-whipping.

Or maybe this joke has something to do with Twilight and vampires. Because the exact same story was reported two years ago.

Haha, premature obituaries are so fucking funny.

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December 18, 2008

POP PSYCHOLOGY

Is The Idiot Box The Cause Or Symptom of Misery?

By Thystle Blum

TELEVISION HAS PERFECTED THE ART OF ATTRACTING miserable people to its mundane, soft-glowing, visage.

Talk shows, soap operas, music videos, video games, porn, fashion shows, movies -- all are designed with the express purpose of attracting people who have nothing better to do.

So it’s no surprise that unhappy people glue themselves to the television 30 percent more than happy people, according to John Robinson of The University of Maryland, who authored the study published in the journal Social Indicators Research.

The findings were culled from the survey of nearly 30,000 American adults conducted between 1975 and 2006 as part of the University of Chicago’s General Social Survey.

Researchers found that happy individuals were more socially active, attended more religious services, voted more and read newspapers more frequently than their less-chipper counterparts. But they didn’t solve the “chicken-versus egg” debate: Does the box make people unhappier, or do unhappier just tune in more?

Here’s another study idea for you, Professor Robinson: Why don’t you check the correlation of IQ to hours of television watched?

The box promotes a fugue state that is neither restful, nor exertive. It’s just vegetative, and in this relaxed state your mind is open to any suggestion being fed to it. That’s where the phrase “idiot box” originates, according to the journal of “Crabby.”

And what about the geography of those TV watchers? I’ll gamble where you live has as much to do with your happiness than your viewing habits. If you have no place to go, TV’s your inevitable best friend. Unless, of course, you’re willing to attend the church in the neighborhood.

My conclusion: Voters, churchgoers, and newspaper readers are looking for the same thing that the chubby, zit faced teen watching porn on the spice channel: something to fill the void in their lives. They just leave the house to do it.

Thystle Blum lives in the south suburbs of Chicago, and hopes to one day rid the world of the evil of religion.

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December 17, 2008

BUSINESS

Melamine in Mr. Eraser? Fine! In Your Food? A Corrupt Shortcut To Profit

By Thystle Blum

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please do not eat the Magic Eraser from Mr. Clean.

Ridiculous you say? The “Magic Eraser” is a cleaning product made with the chemical melamine and you would never, ever eat that chemical. Unless, of course, you didn’t know you were.

Melamine is widely in the manufacturing of plastics, cook ware, and formica countertops. But it has also been widely used to in animal feed and dairy products in China where the chemical has sickened 300,000 Chinese children, as well as thousands of pets worldwide in last year’s pet food poisonings.

The Chinese have been adding the chemical to dairy and animal feed because its high nitrogen falsely appears to boost the protein content of the end product and lowers production costs.

The consequences of that dangerous practice have finally bled through the food chain. Starbucks Coffee stopped selling milk in its Chinese coffee houses because of the crisis.

Read the complete story here.

Thystle Blum lives in Chicago's south suburbs and hopes one day to rid the world of religion.

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TELEVISION

Order Some Pizza And Pass The Chips! Tonight's "The Biggest Loser" Finale

By Nicki R

EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS, I've endured two hours of sweaty workouts, calorie counting, bland snacks, physical challenges, and lots of drama. All while sitting on my ass, eating millions of calories worth of take-out and watching The Biggest Loser.

Tonight, in the season finale of “The Biggest Loser,” we finally see who among four previous fatties wins the $250,000 pot.

After 12 weeks of exercising, dieting, vomiting, crying, whining and back-stabbing, the four finalists vying for the title are husband-and-wife team Ed and Heba, Vicky The Vicious, and Michelle The Meek.

This sixth season of Biggest Loser started with eight teams squaring off -- four husband/wife teams and four parents paired with their grown children.

Heba, Ed and Vicky are all that is left of the Blue Team led by Bob Harper, the lovable, soft-guy trainer. Michelle is the last one standing from Team Black, led by Jillian Michaels, the balls-to-the-walls, “I want you to sweat and piss blood!” trainer. Heba and Ed both made it to week four, when Ed was kicked off. Their team lost the least amount of weight and someone had to go. Ed pleaded that his wife be allowed to stay. You could almost hear Heba’s whip cracking as he made his plea. Wish granted, Ed! You get to go home. That is, until week eight, when previously kicked-off players got a second chance at the game. Whoever takes 1,000 steps first wins!

Look who’s back! It’s Ed.

Read the complete post here.

Nicki R. is a Southern girl living in the big city of Chicago. She loves quiet evenings a home watching horror films with her dogs Jezebelle and Zombie. She can be reached at nickiret@hotmail.com.

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December 16, 2008

SELLING CELEBRITY

Tabloid Trash Talk

DJ Tanner's Skinny! More Talk Of -- Yawn -- Brangelina Babies. And Shania Gets Even With Husband Stealer

By Vegas

USWEEKLY REVEALS ON THE COVER THAT DJ TANNER, A.K.A. CANDACE CAMERON, has lost weight. Yawn. And no mention of liposuction or plastic surgery whispered. Must be a slow news week.

Inside, we learn that Candace Cameron Bure lives a life of leisure in sunny Florida. I can’t imagine where she finds the time to play tennis, jog along the beach or put together three healthy meals a day for herself. It must be very difficult.

Bonus feature: A two page matching game of “before they were stars” photos and recent pix. None of them are all that difficult. Kelsey Grammer’s chin gives him away, even at age 15.

The “Bust of The Week” is Jason Alexander. No, not George Costanza -- the one with hair. Britney Spears’ first husband, for like fifteen minutes? Yeah, he got popped for a probation violation for failing to complete alcohol education classes after an earlier DUI.

There’s a story about Shania Twain’s “Revenge” on her ex and his mistress. She’s been seeing the mistress’ ex! The most revealing part of this story is that a Canadian, living in Switzerland, has the biggest selling country album of all time. We’ve successfully outsourced country music now too. And we wonder why the economy is in the crapper.

In Touch Weekly

On The Cover: Brad and Angie have “Baby News.” I just don’t think its news when these two produce another child. They’ve already got the Partridge Family beat on size and The Brady Bunch on blending. We should just give them the keys to their own third-world county. Think of all the children they'll save!

Next, side-by-side photos of Britney’s recent concert appearances and the divas she’s been copycatting. A dash of Madonna, a pinch of Celine, equal measures of Beyonce & Janet and shake Xtina to taste. Mmmmmh, that’s good pop tartlet!

More on Shania’s revenge and, looking at these photos, it's clear it was really just a matter of time before Shania and Frédéric Thiébaud realized they were too hot for their SOs. The Gravitational Pull of Hotness took over. It’s physics!

Read the complete post here.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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December 15, 2008

CHICAGO POLITICS

Chicago Conspiracy Theory Alert

By Crabby Golightly

IT SNOWED LAST WEEK IN CHICAGO, AND I HAVE YET SEE A CITY TRUCK OUT SALTING THE STREETS. In any other city in the nation, residents could come up with some logical rationale for the lack of service. But in Chicago, everything is suspect.

As local pundits report breathlessly on the indictment of Governor Rod Blagojevich and his alleged "political corruption crime spree, what's missing from the debate is the timing of his arrest.

Blagojevich was imminently expected to name a successor to President-elect Barack Obama's former Senate seat (the one he pledged to hold at least for one term before he sought to run for president, but that's another story). Blagojevich has been accused of offering the seat up to the highest bidder, and the list of Senate wannabes is long: Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr., Rep. Jan Schakowsky, Rep. Danny Davis, Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan among others. It was state AG Madigan who conveniently petitioned the state's Supreme Court to remove Blagojevich from office on Friday, thus yanking his privilege to appoint the next winner in the "Win-For-Life" lottery known as the U.S. Senate.

Here's why I'm scratching my head and siding with Jim Lehrer, who asks, ''what's the big deal here?"

Do not construe my indifference to the dealmaking as acceptance, but more as the resignation that comes with knowing that this is how the game plays. And anyone in government who pretends otherwise is either deluded or lying.

We need look no further than to the new appointees of President-elect Barack Obama's cabinet to find examples of this quid-pro-quo schema.

Read the complete post here.

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December 14, 2008

SUNDAY'S GOSPEL

It's Sunday: Spread The Word

I FOUND THIS IN MY INBOX TODAY, SENT BY ONE OF THE COOLEST MOMS I KNOW, Dee Stogdill. And since this is as close to church as I'm going to get today, I figured I'd do my little part to spread the word through our universal language.

Happy Sunday! And wishing you find someone to love.

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BUSINESS

America's Creed 'Greed Is Good' Caused Our Economic Debacle

By Neal Litherland

THE REAL QUESTION FACING A FINANCIALLY CRIPPLED AMERICA IS: what happens next?

The nation is enduring the worst economic devastation that most Americans have ever witnessed. More than 1.2 million jobs have disappeared in the last three months, with November’s loss of 533,000 jobs the worst one-month decline in 30 years.

Banks, insurance companies, and auto makers -- the very same ones who routinely reject governmental oversight -- came crawling to Washington looking for bailouts. Million-dollar CEOS are poor-mouthing to Congress, warning of dire consequences if their demands aren’t met.

And the tally keeps growing: $250 billion for American International Group, $200 billion for Freddic Mac and Fannie Mae, $700 billion for failing mortgage-backed securities, $248 billion for Citigroup, a projected $15 billion for automakers.

An estimated 2.2 million properties were foreclosed on last year, up 75 percent over 2006. Another 1.4 million homes are expected to foreclose this year. President-elect Barack Obama warns Americans that even with massive government bailouts, the country should expect things to get worse before they get better.

How could we have screwed up this badly? In a word: greed.

Read the complete post here

Neal Litherland is a college student who enjoys comics, fiction, games, green energy and good political debate.

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December 12, 2008

FILM

No Joking, Save Yourself From The 'Dark Knight' DVD

By Jason Wilfong

I'M GOING TO COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT: the Dark Knight sucks.

Saying this in Chicago where the film was shot may be tantamount to committing suicide. The Dark Knight was released on DVD this week and I am sure that it will be a huge holiday seller, but to that I say, “Bah Humbug.” Avoid it if you can.

Let me tell you why.

Reason number one: The casting is weak.

Christian Bale as Batman? I don't get his appeal. If you want some stiff and robotic in the suit, why not hire Al Gore?

By now we all know that Heath Ledger plays the Joker , Batman's most over-used villain. Heath -- and here comes the heresy -- brought nothing new to the role. Just because you get to see a dead man’s face on screen is no reason to rush out to buy the DVD.

Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Two Face . This was not a completely awful choice, but neither was his performance enough to carry the movie.

Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox -- it's hard not to hate him in this role. Nothing in his performance convinced me that he was a tech guru.

Michael Caine as the accommodating Alfred hands in a serviceable performance but he doesn’t shine.

Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon. This was the only casting decision they got right, while Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes was likeable enough.

Reason Number Two: Too Many Villains.

There are three villains in this movie. Why?

The Scarecrow flops in and out of the flick, Harvey Two Face shows up, and then of course, there’s the Joker. Why do movie companies feel the need to have more than one villian in a movie? The overpopulation of bad guys is a cheap gimmick that dilutes the cohesiveness of the storyline.

Reason Number Three: Timing in at 2 hours 30 minutes, the movie is too long and confusing.

The brief appearance of the Scarecrow makes him gratitutious, Harvey Two Face was underused, and the Joker was more psychotic than scary. And for all the slick marketing I was underwhelmed by the movie.

There has been some jive talk about this movie winning Oscars. If they do it would be a pity Oscar over Heath Ledger's accidental overdose.

For my money, that isn’t a good enough reason to award an Oscar or buy this new release.

Jason Wilfong of Chicago believes he has unrecognized genius. He also loves sports, comic books and good music.

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December 11, 2008

LIFE IMITATES ART

There's Always One Dick Who Spoils The Party

By Crabby Golightly

BILL MURRAY HAS GOT TO START CRASHING PARTIES with a better crop of players.

Who wants to wander into a crowded apartment, drink a few beers, spin with the babies, and then be told by some social jerkwad that you’re making bad choices?

Apparently, Mr. Murray was forced to confront such bad manners at a party he breezed through in New York City recently. To which I say, 'Who the fuck are you, punk, to tell Murray he’s making bad choices?' It's not like he's cheating on his wife or anything.

Let me guess: You are an MBA student preparing to wreak havoc on America’s already decimated financial system.

You are a snot who crawled out of your comfort zone to meet women because rarely do they ever enter your own social sphere.

You are a boorish bore who sneers at bi-sexual socials, previously closeted in some all-boy prep school and ready for your pre-arranged marriage.

You are a closet misogynist, jealous of the attention that Randy Billy pulled away from you.

Bill, on the other hand, doesn’t take himself too seriously. He likes to karaoke, smoke pot, and chat up pretty girlies. Where’s the crime in that?

He golfs, travels, and gets down with the real people as opposed to the myriad list of La La Land's phonies who would have nothing to do with your ilk.

When you are 58, have made iconic movies including Ghostbusters, Lost in Translation, Rushmore and Groundhog Day I’d say you’ve met your quota for gifts to humankind.

Mr. Dickwad, what will you leave for the rest of us to remember you by?

Bill, keep keeping it real.

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December 10, 2008

POP ART

'So Hip It Hurts': Check Out 'Thumbtack Press'

By Crabby Golightly

IF THERE IS A TYPE I GO WEAK FOR, IT'S 'TALENTED.' A friend was once told I was hard to impress, and I took it as a compliment. So know that I don't send "props" lightly.

Check out Thumbtack Press for hundreds of reasonably priced prints of unimaginable worlds realized. With apologies to Thumbtack Press, here are a few pieces that stole my attention. Check it out for yourself and buy a few as presents: You can be sure your gift will be the recipient's favorite.

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December 09, 2008

SELLING CELEBRITY

Tabloid Trash Talk

Us Weekly Prattles On, OK! Buys Into 'Free City,' and National Enquirer Fingers Oprah As Homewrecker

By Vegas

USWEEKLY CAPITALIZES ON THE NEW MRS. PRATT'S “no drama wedding” drama for the second week straight. The first part of the story is about Heidi’s mom and how her family is coping with what they are calling “the biggest mistake of Heidi’s life.” Way to stay classy Egelhoffs.

There’s a photo spread of Heidi, her mom and her old nose frolicking idyllically and an interview with Darlene Egelhoff. On the one hand, the furious mom is disappointed that she wasn’t involved with planning the wedding. But on the other she’s super pissed it happened at all.

I’m guessing they can get one more cover story out of this by reconciling mother and daughter before the countdown to divorce actually begins. There are rumors about a contract the newlyweds have with US so, who knows? They might just adopt a baby from Burkina Faso next month.

There’s a rebuttal interview with the Pratts accompanied by a few staged photos of them on the beach. I don’t know if he’s rubbing lotion on or giving her a rub down. Either way, she’s presenting like a baboon in one of these shots and it’s fucking gross.

There’s also a one-page pity party for Britney Spears that leans heavily on material from her recent MTV interview. And an A-Z list of celebrity babies. Pay attention to this list. Some day all of these kids will be in group therapy together somewhere. Right, Kal-El Cage?

OK! Weekly

“Britney In Crisis!” screams the cover. Now tussle your hair and give us a look over your shoulder. Perfect! One more! Beautiful.

Inside, the story is so boring I didn’t even mark the page it’s on. Dad/Manager/Conservator Jamie Spears has Brit Brit on a short leash and a tight schedule. She’s lip-synching her way around the world hidden behind a security detail. All her calls and visitors are monitored. This tour sure sounds like it was great idea. Yep, nothing can go wrong here.

Anne Hathaway is in here too. You may remember Anne from such dramas as “My Boyfriend Is a Money-Laundering Fraud.” After she helped send him off to prison she gave up cigarettes, drinking and eating meat. And she somehow still managed to meet a new guy in New Orleans. If she’s not smoking, drinking or eating meat that only leaves kinky sex as a way to pass time in New Orleans. I’m just sayin.’

There’s a photo essay about Free City, a Malibu company that makes overpriced sweatshirts that all the celebrities love to wear. I could probably make myself one with a Champion and some iron-ons.

Life & Style Weekly

The cover touts a new diet fad that’s better than lipo. That isn't possible!

Inside, Bill Romanowski, a Linebacker who wrought mayhem across the NFL in his day, is pushing a new line of diet shakes (Steroids not included.) Nutrition53 is reportedly popular with Angelina, Britney and Sarah Palin (?!) There is no direct endorsement from any of these celebrities except Bill Romanowski.

Hallelujah! The Cruises and Beckhams have kissed and made up. The feud is over! Wait, what feud? Well, whatever it was, differences were put aside as this Glamorati clique painted the town red in NYC over the holiday. All is right with the world.

In L&S’s Britney story she’s going on dates carefully orchestrated by her handlers. They sound like real winners too: an “older Harry Potter” and some old “LA suave” dude. I guess that’s what you get when you let your dad arrange your dates.

The National Enquirer Mark Consuelos might be leaving Kelly Ripa! A tear drops in Brooklyn.

The tab says Oprah might be giving Mr. Ripa a spin-off based on the weekly segment he’s been doing on her show. Kelly won’t leave NY or her show and now the power struggle will play out in headlines. Kelly’s been waiting for Regis to die so Mark can have his spot on the perennial Live With Regis & Some Blond Chick. If he takes the O Train to Chicago not only is he leaving his family behind but also a lucrative future as the King of Morning Television.

Jamie Lynn Spears continues to advance the cause of stupid, lazy rednecks everywhere by having fat-dissolving injections into her stomach. She’s 17! Get off your ass and go for a damn walk. Do a sit up, fer chrissake.

In other Stupid Celebrity News, Kristin Stewart forgot pot is illegal and smoked up on her front porch. A photo lives forever. It's funny, too, 'cause a month ago who would have given a s---!

Marlon Brando’s personal assistant is dropping bombshells in her new tell-all book. Working for the star renowned for his girth as much as for the roles he made famous, was like life in a Roman Vomitorium for Alice Marchak. She’s claiming that Brando was a secret bulimic who would eat his meals, go throw up and then come back for a second meal! Debauchery done right! Oh and also The Big B only took that iconic roll in The Godfather so Sir Lawrence Oliver couldn’t have it. Yeah, I can’t see it either.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses at craps. She spends her time in Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which take up too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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December 08, 2008

NEW FEATURE

Santa's Got Game? Recommended Titles For Gamers On Your Gift List

By Marc Sakol

VIDEO GAMES ARE NO LONGER THE EXCLUSIVE PLAY of anti-social nerds hiding in basements.

Thanks to systems like Nintendo’s Wii, video games are as mainstream as apple pie and Shia LaBeouf. So, it’s perfectly understandable if you feel overwhelmed when trying to pick out just the right title for the gamer on your holiday list. With this handy guide you should be able to weed through all the trash and find the goods.

Games for stay-at-home moms:

For mommies who neither the time nor interest to spend hours at the keyboard, I suggest Animal Crossing: City Folk (Wii). It draws you in with its never-ending play, but allows you to pick up the game whenever you want to jump back in. Wii Fit (Wii) also is a great choice.

Games for kiddies:

Nintendo DS is the perfect system for your little Billy, with games like "Pokemon Diamond and Pearl, the newly released Pokemon Ranger: Shadows of Almia, and Drawn to Life: Spongebob Squarepants. Just be careful to avoid anything with the words “Petz” or “Bratz” -- or anything that replaces the “s” with a “z”. Stupid.

Games for sports fans:

For the football fan, you can never go wrong with a copy of Madden ’09 (Xbox360, PS3). If racing is their thing, get them Need for Speed: Undercover. If your sport’s fan likes to shred the slopes, consider Shaun White’s Snowboarding (Wii, Xbox360, PS3). For hoops fans, shoot for NBA 2K9.

Games for anime fans:

Being one myself, I know the Persona games series are highly coveted. Persona 3: FES (PS2) and the soon to be released Persona 4 are both amazing. Other games to pick in this category are Chrono Trigger (DS), Dragonball Origins (DS), The Last Remnant (Xbox360), Tales of Symphonia: Dawn New World (Wii), Eternal Sonata (Xbox 360, PS3) and No More Heroes (Wii).

Games for doomsdayers:

Left 4 Dead is exactly what your paranoid loved one needs. (Well, not really.) It will give him the gratification of killing hordes of zombies while training for the inevitable apocalypse.

Games for nongamers:

There are dozens of Nintendo DS games that can be amusing for the casual user: The Brain Age games, Elite Beat Agents, Cooking Mama, and Animal Crossing: Wild World are all fun and quick to play games. For the Consoles, I recommend Animal Crossing: City Folk. Other great games for newbies or occasional players: Mirror’s Edge (Xbox360, PS3), Soul Calibur 4 (Xbox 360, PS3), and Guitar Hero: World Tour (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii).

Check out the full list here.


Marc Sakol understands the kindness in strangers, which is why he abandons hope of actually getting to know people. He spends his time falling head first into video games, watching every movie ever made and writing for his blog Sarcasm Not Included.

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December 05, 2008

BRITNEY'S CARNY

Yo Ex-Fed, Tell It To The Judge

By Miz J

Thankfully, Kevin Federline didn’t try his fly-rhyming style as he rapped to People about his divorce from Britney, the kids and his ex ’s breakdown.

Yes, Brit’s back in the saddle again, and everyone’s ready to become carnies in her Circus. Even Ex-Fed, because, after all, he counts on this meal ticket too.

"For me, I'd become more concerned with my children,’’ Kevin told People. “ Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important…I mean, we were having complications. I didn't give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn't even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed. [I was] completely blindsided."

“Blindsided,’’ he says. Sounds like a good name for his next album. Ignoring that Federline left his ex Shar Jackson while she was pregnant with their second child in order to procreate with Spears, let's put ourselves in Kev's leather sneaks. “Not that I ignored Britney, but…”

Can you imagine being married to someone with legions of adoring devotees? Is it even possible to have a real relationship with someone who seeks gratification on stage with the help of high-tech pyrotechnics and screaming fanatics?

Yeah. It was doomed from the start.

Add on the fact that Federline clearly felt Spears was the greener (cha-ching!) pasture. No wonder Britney slipped and slid for two years, wandering aimlessly around La La Land trying to find her religion to fill the void in her life.

Everyone uses her, even Federline, who tried unsuccessfully to jump-start a music career, although he claims money was never the issue: "My first question was, 'Am I ever going to be able to see my children?' I told (divorce lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan) that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That's all that mattered. I didn't know how much power Britney had. That really scared me."

Yeah, Britney is omnipotent. So powerful that she got locked up in psych wards, hung with scumbag paps, and shaved her head in defiance as pop's prison closed in on her. I don’t know about you, but I’m not buying Circus. I’ve already seen it, and the cost of maintaining this show is too hefty for its fragile ringleader.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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December 04, 2008

POP CULTURE

Frat Boys Pay A Heavy Price For 'Belonging'

By Travis Bland

'POLY FRESHMAN DIES AFTER FRAT EVENT,' states the headline in muted flat font. This was the perfect type for a story like this. Black, boring, unassuming, all matter-of-fact.

I’ve only been in college for a year and a half, yet I've already become somewhat numb to these stories. They don’t have much punch left. No shock anymore. They jump at you like some toothless old shepherd gnawing on your pant leg -- you shake it off with a, “Eh, who cares?”

The fraternity scene has always perplexed me. I’ve never been into the popped collar look and I can’t grow a respectable goatee (bro-tee), so I've never even considered joining one. But from what I hear, it’s not all that fun.

Honestly, they sound like vaguely homoerotic summer camps. Everything I have heard from pledging frat brothers goes along the lines of doing embarrassing, degrading things while invariably being in the nude. “Bro, it sucked! They made me denounce my parents, drink a fifth of rum, light my hair on fire and do the chicken-dance…BAREASSED!”

All for what? Brotherhood? Friendship? Even if you don’t die in a haze of alcohol-induced debauchery, is the camaraderie really worth your dignity? Do you really want to be hanging out with these guys? In most cases, the answer seems to be yes.

Seems like frats take down more young adults than the fucking mob each year. I’m not saying that they should be banned; I don’t think the makers of those pink polo shirts could take the hit. And besides, I need somebody to make fun of on Saturday nights too. But there needs to be accountability.

There's a large amount of apathy among college students on frat pratfalls. Many students' arguments sound like they are in denial about the whole situation — “He didn’t have to drink”, “I would have done differently,” blah, blah, blah. Spare me.

People love to be loved. Think about it -- if you’re this kid, 18 years old, brand new to San Luis Obispo, zero friends and trying to make a good impression, are you really going to tell these guys, “Uh...you know fellas, I think I’m gonna call it a night?”

We already know the answer.

Travis Bland is a freelance reporter and literary delinquent living on California's Central Coast. He currently resides in a tin shack, sustaining himself on a healthy diet of sourdough bread crust, Wild Turkey, and Jack Cafferty blog posts. You can reach him at trbland@gmail.com.

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BASED ON A TRUE STORY

Nick to MiMi: 'Marry Me Or No Baloney-Pony Ride'

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December 03, 2008

CELEBRITY

Poor Bronx Mowgli Wentz! Abandoned By Good Taste At Birth

By Jason Wilfong

ONE OF MY BIGGEST PET PEEVES ABOUT AMERICA'S CELEBRITY-CRAZED CULTURE is that these media anointeds think and feel anything goes for them.

Case in point: Ashlee Simpson and Peter Wentz, who just had their second child. Hurray for childbirth.

But I'm bemused when I hear about celebrities playing their game of "can-you-top this?" in the child-naming department. So what did these "loving" parents name their new son? (Drum roll, please)....B-R-O-N-X   M-O-W-G-L-I!   WTF! They named their kid after a disease!

According to the blog The Pop Eye, author "Rudyard Kipling made up the name up and, according to the "language of the forest," it means "frog." Poor Rudyard. He had to project the pain caused by his own name by making up a terribly-named character.

I understand that some people love certain books and choose to name a child/children in its honor. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore? They named their daughter Rumer after the British novelist Rumer Godden, and daughter Scout -- because of their affection for the novel, To Kill A Mockingbird. But, come on, there are limits.

What drug was Nicholas Cage doing when he named his child Kal-El -- or the ficticious Superman's real name on Krypton? Who does Paula Yates think she is when she names her kids Pixie, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Fifi Trixibelle and the incomparable Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa? (Oh, I forgot, Yates is dead).

Gwen Stefani may be a rock goddess, but she became total parental dufus when she named her new baby, Zuma Nesta Rock. And illusionist Penn Jillette better teach his kid how to disappear quick with the name Moxie CrimeFighter. Come to think of it, it sounds as though Penn is setting this kid up to have to defend herself.

Where did this trend of outrageous child-naming come from? I blame Frank Zappa. Zappa named his kids Dweezil, Moon Unit, and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen (and the relatively respectable in comparison, Ahmet ) and we all know what happened to them? (Well, actually, no.)

His experimenting paved the way for all of the Apples, Kal-Els, and Bronx Mowglis of the world. Or maybe the Wentz's just have an unnatural love for New York and The Jungle Book? Ugh.

Jason Wilfong of Chicago, believes he has unrecognized genius. He also loves sports, comic books and good music. You can reach him via email.

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December 02, 2008

NEW FEATURE

Tabloid Trash Talk

Angelina Throws Knives, Kitty Kelley Lobs Bombshells And Julia Roberts Emits Bad Odor

By Vegas

USWEEKLY HAS THE PRATTS ON THE COVER. "Heidi & Spencer Elope!" GAH! Hate! Hate! Hate! Stab! Stab! Stab!

Inside: Sigh. There they are with their giant, blonde heads and perfect teeth. Pratts indeed.

I've never actually looked at Spencer Pratt before but he sort of looks like a woman. Maybe it's his lips or something about his long eyelashes. Now that he's got this scruffy business going on he looks like a bearded lady.

Anyway, on to their utterly unplanned and in no way staged Mexican wedding! Essentially they were sitting around, drinking margaritas and thought it would be “fun” to get married. So they did. And then they called the press. She wore Balenciaga and he wore jeans. The end. I look forward to reading the overview of the marriage in the divorce special that’s sure to be on newsstands by Easter.

Ashlee and Pete Wentz bestowed a name so distinct on their newborn son that it announces clearly to the world: My parents are fucktards. Bronx Mowgli Wentz was born on November 20th. Poor little guy.

A preview of Britney’s upcoming MTV documentary is next. She sites Madonna’s Truth or Dare as an inspiration so I’m looking forward to a lot of black and white bedroom shots with sex toys and scantily clad, androgynous love slaves draped all over the scenery.

Life & Style

Everyone’s having babies! Or not!

Inside: OMG! You guys look at that, Neve Campbell is still alive! Right there on page 19! Awesome.

Twilight is still a “hot topic.” L&S clues us into the ingenious genetic experiments that gave us Robert Pattinson: His face is actually a composite of five other known and loved actors. Well, four. The fifth is Chace Crawford.

Life & Style tries to convince us to care about Paris Hilton’s failed relationship with Benji Madden. She’s been dancing away her pain in various night clubs and says that she’s going to be alone and focusing on her life for a while. Pfft. She can’t maintain a presence in the news as a single woman. I give it a month.

At the back a dozen stars give their weight loss tips. It’s a mixed bag of “ew” and “duh” dieting revelations. Watercress soup anyone?

Star

On The Cover: Uh oh. Someone wasn’t getting paid enough. “Hollywood Bodyguards Tell All!”

Inside: Here are some highlights from the Report: A “source close to one of her bodyguards” reports that Britney Spears acts crazy. Didn’t we all decide a long time ago that she is, in fact, crazy? Next! Saint Angelina apparently throws knives when she’s mad. Don't make mommy aaaanngry! Nicole Ritchie sends X-rated text messages to her baby daddy. Yawn. Lilo has sticky fingers and should never be invited to your hotel room.

Linds also successfully scared off an ex-member of the Special Forces after only 10 days on the job. She obviously means business with her hell raising!

Miley Cyrus is a future part-time lesbian according to sources who report she likes to kiss on girlfriends in the back of her limos. Katie Holmes still has a little fire in her belly! She reportedly caused a nice bit of damage flinging a bronze statue at a wall in a fit of rage. Free Katie! Julia Roberts is a stinky hippy and Oprah is mean. Uh, duh. I could have told you that. Johnny Depp, the more mysterious you are the more I want to jump your bones. I’m only half afraid of that girlfriend. She’s weird.

Beyond that there are a few faces rarely seen in tabloids: Jennifer Aniston’s dad gets a shout-out in a story about meeting John Mayer. Good ol' Victor Kiriakis! He looks…shiny. And Tom Cruise’s daughter, NotSuri, makes some headlines with a shocking choice to spend time with her adoptive mother, Nicole Kidman. Gasp! How could she? The Shatner is getting a talk show! And he wants to talk “life force.” Oy. This can’t end well.

National Enquirer

Shocking new secrets revealed about Queen of the World, Oprah Winfrey.

Inside: Kitty Kelley is getting ready to release her unauthorized biography of O. Lawsuit in 5...4...3...

Her early career was a haze of drinking and drugs. Oprah smoked crack! There’s more speculation about her relationship with Gayle, they add fuel to the lesbo fire with reports that Gayle was jealous of Oprah’s relationship with Michelle Obama. Meow! C-C-C-Catfight!

Kitty Kelley promises that when this book is published “the world will never look at Oprah the same way.” Good.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive. She blogs at jensaysanything.blogspot.com.

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December 01, 2008