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Tabloid Trash Talk

Bell Bottoms, Chachispawn, John Travolta, And Other Shit That Frights In The Night

By Vegas
THE OBAMA FAMILY CONTINUES THEIR REIGN OF SUPREMACY, with the president-elect confessing to Us Weekly that he thinks he's a "pretty cool dad." And the inset is the "Hot Stars" of Twilight. Dear Robert Pattinson, that hair is not "hot."

The first feature is a two-page Katie Holmes fashion spread. I contend that none of those pants are either "casual" or "cool." I'm going to have nightmares about $275 bell-bottoms tonight, thank you Us!

Us declares "No More Kids for Chachi!" And I say, "Thank God!" I don't think the world needs any more chachispawn. Gretchen Mol's kid is cute but with a name like Ptolemy he's destined for the life of an uber-math nerd. Poor little guy.

The "They're Just Like Us" spread is on pages 30-31. I'm not buying it. I can't afford court side seats to a Lakers' game like Kate Hudson. And I sure as hell know that Andy Dick will never, ever be like any of us. Then there's this Jessica Szohr chick trying on ridiculous boots. She might be like us. I don't know. I've never heard of her. (Ohhhh, she's a Gossip Girl. Now I get it.)

The gloryholing of Barack Obama's life continues on page 45. Blah blah blah, continuity in his daughters' lives. Blee blee blooh, inevitable comparison to JFK. Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin closes the story with this choice quote: "We're aware that we're transplanting a family that might have looked very much like someone we might know into this magical place, the White House." Bwahaha. I'm sorry but maaaagicaaaaal. Gimme a break. We've have definitely run out of "news" on the Obamas.

The next two pages are reruns of photos that have been floating around since the election. Oh, and a side bar about the First Puppy, the darling of the 24-hour news cycle. The story goes on for four more pages, mostly photos of the girls. There's a side-by-side on their likes, hobbies, career plans (how old are they?), their pet peeves and thoughts on their new home. Girls, get used to charts and comparisons.

Brit's babe Jayden's trip to the emergency room is covered briefly. It was something he ate, they say. Dad didn’t even fly in, so he’s going to be OK. And then the piece goes on to discuss Brit’s appearance at the Madonna concert and how she’s looking forward to making a come back. Bring it.

Us FINALLY introduces us to the kid from Twilight. I gotta say he’s hotter as Cedric Diggory. But he’s also a musician! And he’s hoping to record a CD! Hooray! We have so few mediocre actors crossing over into music. We almost ran out! Thank you, Robert Pattinson (and Joaquin Phoenix)!

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Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.