THANKSGIVING

Whether Big Or Small, Count Your Blessings

A Family Tradition: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

By MzEll

I hated sitting at the kids table.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my cousins. The only other girl, however, had already moved to the grown-up table and I was stuck in the middle of three very loud, very messy boys. We sat at a folding table with a Twister mat underneath us to catch our crumbs. The food was always sensational, but I longed to be with the big people.

My Grandmother soon had mercy on my pre-adolescent, too-smart-for-my-own-good self. I was ecstatic to get to sit between my beloved cousin and my hilarious uncle. Then came Thanksgiving dinner, and a new responsibility that I wasn't so fond of. Every year, every person as the big table had to go around share what they were thankful for. I wanted to hide. Never knowing what to say, I always copped out with answers like "family and friends."

Read the full story here.

MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.

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November 29, 2008

Bright Lights, Big City

By Jason Wilfong

I MOVED TO CHICAGO LAST SUMMER, and it has been rough-going since I arrived. I wrapped up a divorce, and I have been laid off twice. But there are things and people in my life that I am thankful for: In no particular order, these are:

1. My divorce. People get married hoping to find “the one” and to live happily ever after, but the sad truth is that there are couples who just don’t belong together.

Read the full story here.

Jason Wilfong of Chicago, believes he has unrecognized genius. He also loves sports, comic books and good music. You can reach him via email.

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November 28, 2008

Vodka and VH2, And Mad Men and Mom: A Few Of My Favorite Things

By Miz J

I'VE HAD A CHANCE to do some reflecting in between Mad Men DVR marathons and boozing, and I’d like to share with you, dear readers, what I’m most thankful for this year.

First off, I'd like to thank my mother for creating the bundle of awesomeness you all know as Miz J. Thanks, Mom. Your constant calls to my work line and forwarded God emails have not gone unnoticed, just unanswered and unopened. (Hey, I’m busy at work. I talk to her A LOT when I’m at home, people. A LOT).

Read the full story here.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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November 27, 2008

MEDIA

Watching Suicide Live, Detached From Reality

By Travis Bland

IS TECHNOLOGY MAKING US LESS HUMAN?

By now everybody has heard the story of Abraham Biggs Jr., the 19 year-old college student who broadcast his suicide over the internet.

The South Florida teen, who was affected with bi-polar disorder, announced that he was going to kill himself on a forum at bodybuilders.com. Biggs then posted a link from the forum to Justin.tv, where users can broadcast live from their webcams. Reportedly, some users contacted moderators at the body building site, who traced Biggs’ location and alerted police. But by the time police got to the scene about 3 p.m., Biggs was already dead. He had started blogging about 12 hours earlier.

While Biggs was live-streaming his own suicide, other users posted comments ranging from shocked exclamations to off-colored “gallows humor.” Justin.tv quickly pulled down the video after the incident.

Biggs father, Abraham Sr., told ABC News that he was appalled that people would watch his son kill himself. "I think it is wrong to have this happen for hours without any action being taken from the people in charge,’’ the senior Biggs said. “Where were they all the time?"

In a statement to the media, Justin.tv CEO Michael Seibel, said, "We regret that this has occurred and want to respect the privacy of the broadcaster and his family during this time."

Biggs is not the first person to kill himself online (an act eerily dubbed ‘cyber-suicide’ by one Australian newspaper), but his real-time suicide is raising many questions regarding internet safety and the lines between the freedom and regulation of expression.

The internet produces pseudo-stardom in an instant. It's becoming epidemic to see people prostituting their privacy in exchange for attention that humans seem to crave so deeply.

There's something inhumane about the web's voyeurism, as well as our boundless quest for profit. I abhor the lack of action on the part of Justin.tv, but as an advocate of free speech, I also can’t defend tight control over web broadcasting.

When this grieving family inevitably files a lawsuit, the civil courts will prove to be regulation enough.

Travis Bland is a freelance reporter and literary delinquent living on California's Central Coast. He currently resides in a tin shack, sustaining himself on a healthy diet of sourdough bread crust, Wild Turkey, and Jack Cafferty blog posts. You can reach him at trbland@gmail.com.

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November 26, 2008

POP PSYCHOLOGY

Rapping With Kanye's 'ID'

By Shakenya Jackson

M“Mr. West is in the building. Swagger on a hundred, thousand, trillion.”

Ya’ll like that line from “Swagger Like Us”? That was mine. I told Kanye to write it and he wrote it. Hell, the line wrote itself. Let me introduce myself: I am Kanye’s swagger. I know some of ya’ll aren’t that bright so let me tell you who and what I am.

Swagger or a person’s “swag” is their very essence, their sexy. It’s the way you walk into a room and command attention. It’s a (not-so) subtle air of superiority many celebrities possess (and even the occasional nobody). Swagger is so powerful it that should damn well speak for itself and I’m gonna.

That was me in England that screamed when that paparazzo clown tried to photograph me. I pushed the camera back in that guy’s face. I did it cause it’s not Kanye they want, it’s me, the swagger. Same thing in LAX. I broke that fuckin' camera cause I need compensation for my photos. Swag costs, babies.

I gave ya’ll a few for free when I told ya’ll Bush doesn’t care about Black people. I interrupted those guy’s acceptance speech at the MTV Europe Music Awards and told ya’ll I should’ve won video-of-year because Pamela Anderson was in the fuckin' video. A nobody like Kanye pulling Pamela “Boob Supreme” Anderson in a music video was a swag-tastic maneuver and you imbeciles didn’t appreciate it.

I told Kanye to call himself the Louis Vuitton Don. Why? Because it makes him sound important. I told him tight pants were hot and to put on pastel. Why? Because I take risks. Hell, I even told him to use that Auto-Tunes after T-pain had used it on 4,000,000 or so top-selling singles. And what happens? Boom! Love Lockdown storms the charts, baby. I make his blog worth talking about by posting the most obnoxiously expensive items and hottest women on a planet, that without a doubt most of you commoners can’t pretend to afford and can’t afford to date.

The bottom line is this: swag makes rappers hot. Kanye ain’t nobody without me: I make you love him or hate him. I make him hot, and if you don’t see him generally making an ass out of himself from time to time, I’m not handling my business. But for right now, “swagger on a hundred-thousand-trillion.”

Shakenya Jackson is among Chicago's finest writers. (She believes in the power of swag.) She also enjoys long walks in the park and dirty dishes.

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November 25, 2008

NEW FEATURE

Tabloid Trash Talk

'People' Finds New Way To S(m)ell Fantasy, Tipster Says Angie Connived To Steal Brad, And Mel Gibson Sins

By Vegas

ON US WEEKLY'S COVER, IT'S JEN VS. ANGELINA (AGAIN) AND the sidebar features Reese Witherspoon, feuding manufactured “rock stars” annnnd Brandy, who is apparently a great big liar.

Inside, Us Weekly parties like it’s 2005 with long (read: boring) stories about the Bradgelinaston relationship and Brandy’s fake marriage. "In a main love scene, Brad and Angelina would both wear flesh-colored underwear," a source on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith told the mag. "But in the end, she shunned the suit and climbed in bed with him naked! It's the biggest thing we all remember from that film." Oh, that Angelina, she's such a vampire.

UW is definitely on Team Anniston. But does anyone else think John Mayer is starting to look like John Waters with that haircut and mustache?

Brandy lied about marrying her baby’s daddy back in 2002. Now that she’s got a new album coming out she’s ready to exploit her past shame in exchange for a four page spread. Awesome.

There’s a brief story on Reese’s life and she unironically uses the word “Gosh.” ‘Nuff said.

Lastly, they photoshop Michelle Obama’s head onto the bodies of four models to see what sort of dress she should wear to the inauguration. Only one of those models is black sooooo yeah. Good on ya and your race relations, Us Weekly!

STAR WEEKLY

Jen vs. Angelina AND Brad on the cover. Above the masthead are promises of an inside look into Rihanna’s private romance (not so private,) JT and JBeil’s new NYC apartment and Jessica Simpson’s womb. She’s got a bump! It could be a baby! Or some BBQ! Let’s find out!

Inside: Rihanna and Chris Brown; hot, famous, young people in love. On the beach! Eating Popeye’s chicken! Getting tattoos! It’s such a whirlwind, how can we keep up? We can’t. Next?

Brittney dresses her sons in matching outfits. I wonder how long they’ll put up with that. She’s nervous about leaving them to go on tour. I’m sure the rest of the family will take good care of them, like they have been, since they were born.

Six pages of Bradgelinaston coverage in Star! Both Star and Us have a pictorial history of their relationship…mostly the same photos too. For the win, Star has the hot photo of Jen in the red bikini from their trip to Cabo in 2003.

Also in this issue, handbags like my grandma used to carry are totally hot right now. Dear, sweet Grandma, you were so ahead of your time.

NATIONAL ENQUIRER

The cover is busy, busy, busy. Mel Gibson might be divorcing, MK Olsen is gaining weight, Patrick Swayze continues his battle with cancer and they might have found poor Caylee Anthony’s grave.

Inside, Matt Lauer fumes over Meredith Vieira’s marriage crack on the Today Show last week. That’s right bitch, don’t mess with my Matt.

The Jen vs. Angelina fight is actually an Angelina vs. Brad fight according the Enquirer. Whatever, which ever, it’s all the same quotes. This leads me to believe that these folks should reevaluate the relationships they have with their friends. Who the hell are these inside sources?

J.Lo (As TMZ sez, "Memba her?) gets jealous, Julia Roberts surfs, Katie Holmes is tired, and David Spade has a love child…Wait, back up. What? Seriously, what is it with this guy? I don’t see it.

Mel Gibson’s been canoodling, as they say, with some hot Russian chick. This might be the end of his 28-year marriage! For shame! What kind of good Catholic are you Mel? You know, cheaters are responsible for all of the wars in the world.

Finally, Laura Bush is working on a tell-all memoir. Note to Laura: yeah, you know a LOT of people started drinking again after 9/11, cut The Cowboy-in-Chief some slack will ya? And Cindy McCain’s been making out with a used car salesman. Allegedly. That’s just sad. For her. And all of her money.

BONUS COVERAGE!

People named Hugh Jackman as the Sexiest Man Alive and I won’t argue. Inside, 129 other sexy men who smell! Eeeewww!

In some sort of weird marketing scheme, People put scratch-and-sniff patches on a bunch of guys’ photos. Chance Crawford smells like Future Washed Up Actor, Taye Diggs smells spicy (mmmm) and Chris Meloni smells the best of all, sigh. He’s dreamy in that over-wrought authority-figure-gone-awry sort of way.

Michael Phelps smells like actual cologne. Better than chlorine I guess.

I think they should have put scents on all of these guys. You know Robert Downey Jr. and Javier Bardem probably both smell like whiskey, cigarettes and sex.

Vegas is a gambler who always loses money on craps. She spends her time Chicago with her husband, two cats and various artistic endeavors which are beginning to take up way too much space in her house and hard drive.

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November 24, 2008

PUBLICITY

Brother, Can You Spare A Camera Crew? "Jen-gelina" Inspires International Mission

By Natalie Melendez

I recently was flipping through a stack of People mags at my dentist's office, the only pleasure I derive from that annual appointment other than the secret hope for nitrous oxide.

I picked up the issue with Jennifer Hudson’s heartbreaking family tragedy on the cover. In the upper right-hand corner there is a smiling Mother Theresa surrounded by Afghani refugee children. Hmm, that’s funny, I remember Mother Theresa looking a lot older and leathered.

I look closer.

Ooh, silly me, that’s not Mother Theresa --- it’s Angelina Jolie!

“EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS!” Shouts the headline. “Angelina: Her Secret War Zone Visit.”

Everyone’s most beloved and photographed Goodwill Ambassador is back! It’s a good thing that someone had the good sense to bring cameras along on this secret mission; otherwise no one would see exclusive photos of St. Angelina that People miraculously managed to obtain. (Brad, are you selling snaps again?)

I admit: I am impressed. There’s an extremely flattering photo of Angelina smiling with three radiantly needy refugee children. The caption reads: “Admiring the ‘courage’ and ‘resilience’ of the returnees.”

Might I add that I admire Angelina’s choice of minimal make-up for the shoot? A very nice, subtle, smoke-around-the-eyes look that doesn’t seem obviously made-up, which helps to stress the seriousness of the situation.

The next two photos are of a burdened “Angel”-ina gently touching the arm of a boy suffering from malaria; the boy is covered in flies.

Read the complete post here!

Since 1986, Natalie Melendez has been a work-in-progress. She currently resides in an undisclosed mountainous California location, where she spends most of her time studying, writing and roasting chestnuts by the fire. You can reach her at natalieismyname@gmail.com

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November 21, 2008

MOVIES

Bloodthirsty for 'Twilight'

By MzEll

MY MOM'S FASCINATION WITH the television series DARK SHADOWS transferred to me in utero.

While growing up, I fed that appetite for blood with volumes by R.L. Stine and Anne Rice, and today I encourage that propensity in my wee ones: Their favorite Halloween book is Vunce Upon A Time.

But nothing has sucked the air from my lungs like Twilight, Stephanie Meyer’s vampire series that reaches the big screen tomorrow.

Twilight has people of all ages breathlessly awaiting their chance for a ticket. With the release date so close to Thanksgiving, I’ll be salivating over Edward Cullen while simultaneously preparing to stuff turkey, a paradox to be sure: the mythical Cullen is a "vampire vegetarian" who only feasts on nonhuman beasts.

But even though the Cullen clan doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving in our customary fashion, their sense of family is very much in tact. The moralistic Cullens have been perfectly cast: Ashley Greene, is the spitting image of Stephanie Meyer’s description of the dark-haired, prophetic, tinkerbell Alice.

Kellen Lutz, whom author Meyer fought to have cast as Emmett, captures the burly bear-of-a-guy character depicted throughout the saga. Jackson Rathbone appears as Jasper, whose beauty releases forbidden squeals from inside me.

Read more! Click here.

MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.

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November 20, 2008

FILM

'Zack And Miri's' Store-Bought Boner Available At Amazon

By Nathan Israileff

LIFE GOES FLACCID FOR SETH ROGAN'S ZACK when he breaks the bank with his impulse purchase of the “Fleshlight."

Of course, we all know that Zack and Miri Make A Porno is Kevin Smith’s new comedy starring Rogan and Elizabeth Banks as lifelong friends who’ve hit hard times and decide their ticket out is to make a porn flick.

The platonic roommates’ financial fix grows even harder after Zack impulsively purchases the “male masturbator” that you too can have for just $59.95 from Amazon. But $60 is a lot of bank when you’re running on empty.

Fast forward to these losers’ high school reunion where Miri works like a pitbull in lipstick to get laid by a former crush. What she doesn’t know is the former jock is the lover of a hardcore gay porn star whom Zack chats up. Then --flash and inspiration! Zack thinks if this fuck can make porn, surely anyone can. The confluence of desperation and inspiration lead he and Miri to decide to make a dick flick.

What ensues is some of the most offensive and memorable moments in recent cinema, including an important PSA about the contraindications of anal sex and constipation.

The film is hysterical! It’s offensive! It’s rude! I give it eight penises out of 10. But before you make any purchases, remember the cautionary words straight from Zack's mouth: the Fleshlight feels like "fucking a flashlight."

Nathan Israileff is a sarcastic, cynical, loveable provocateur who lives in HelLA.

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November 19, 2008

NEW FEATURE

Tabloid Trash Talk

Bell Bottoms, Chachispawn, John Travolta, And Other Shit That Frights In The Night

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November 18, 2008

CELEBRITY SNARK

Large Breasts And Low Standards Extend Tila Tequila's Fame to 30 Minutes

By Miz J

OH, TILA TEQUILA, YOU CRAZY LITTLE SLUT, surely your fifteen minutes MUST be up by now. Because what ELSE can you POSSIBLY do to distract from the fact that you have no discernable talent?

You’ve already had your MTV reality show/farce, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, during which you entertained suitors of both sexes to advance your bisexual plotline.

You’ve already been caught making out with the two “it” Z-listers of the moment, Justin Long (a.k.a. "The Mac Guy") and Courtenay Semal (she of the Yahoo! dynasty.) You’ve already actually TRIED the rock band thing (it didn’t exactly work out). You’ve been the Asian Cyber Girl of the Month (whatever that means).

Now you’re releasing a solo album, allegedly dubbed I Have Tourettes. And starting a new reality series in which we get to follow you around while you, I don’t know, brush your teeth and pick up your dry-cleaning?

You've got your ''niche'' market: the one million friends on MySpace who want to see you naked on the Internet. And that’s the saddest part of it all.

So go ahead, people. Have your shot of Tequila. Just make sure you purge properly when you’re finished – into a trash can.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

SexyChattyCatty contributed to this item.

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MUSIC/TELEVISION

Shut Up, Haters! John Mayer Can Explore My Wonderland Anytime

By Ryann Flynn

I'M GONNA SAY IT LOUD AND PROUD: I’m a John Mayer fan. I’ll give you a minute to come up with some clever insult. Feel better? Great, now let’s move on.

Admitting liking John hurts less than that time in third grade when I had to confess to wearing a training bra. It hurts less, guys, than admitting that you use Nair to remove hair from your forearms.

Now the buzz is that John is in talks with CBS to do his own 60s-style retro variety show. But the news just sets him up for more verbal stabbings.

“Has he become a has-been already?," one hater wrote at justjared.com.

I’m baffled why the gorgeous, rich and talented John has gotten such a bad rap. Sure he was routinely dissed on the Family Guy. I’ll admit he came off as a bit of a fuck when he told TMZ that he didn’t want to ‘waste’ Jennifer Aniston's time. And, yeah, he wears that “womanizer” tag well. But it’s not like he’s some righteous vegetarian.

I’ll give you this though: he’s got this “J’’ thing going on with his girlfriends: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. Weird.

But don’t love or hate John Mayer because of “Your Body is a Wonderland.” Listen to the duet he performs with B.B King on King’s song Hummingbird. Sample his album Try. Or even better -- go see John play a live show. What's the worst that could happen? I mean, it's not like I'm asking you do to something crazy, like vote for Palin in 2012.

Ryann Flynn is an avid recycling, Gimlet-drinking, Chicago Cubs-loving art director trying to bust into advertising. You can check out her work at ryannflynn.carbonmade.com.

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November 17, 2008

HEADLINES

Divine Intervention In The Campaign, and Other News Ephemera

By Crabby Golightly

GEORGE BUSH IS SET TO DELIVER A A PEP TALK TO THE NATION ABOUT THE ECONOMY TODAY. Has he not yet figured out that the best thing he can do is lie low and quietly exit through the back door? Bush demanding the national stage just reminds us all why we're in this mess, and probably costs his party's candidate McCain points in the election. Mr. President, you did too little, too late. If you want to help the nation, say as little as possible. And save your explanations for your memoir.

Proving that these two men are the best the nation has to offer, Barack Obama and John McCain traded comedic riffs at the 63rd annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, a New York charity that benefits deprived children. The candidates poked fun at themselves and each other while helping to raise $4 million dollars.

McCain joked of Joe The Plumber, "What they don't know is that Joe the Plumber recently signed a very lucrative contract with a wealthy couple to handle all the work on all seven of their houses," in a reference to he and Cindy McCain. And Obama mocked himself when he said, "Could somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?"

The competitors praised each other, with McCain complimenting Obama for his "great skill, energy, and determination, and Obama thanking McCain for the "honor and distinction" with which he's served America. Regardless of who wins the race, something tells me that these two will end up being great friends.

And while in New York, McCain delivered his mea culpas to David Letterman for canceling on his show when the Dow took a nosedive two weeks ago. Then Letterman proceeded to grill the Republican like no media figure has done yet during this political season, leading McCain to crack, "I haven't had so much fun since my last interrogation." Dave, Dave, you used to be such a hero of mine, especially when you aimed your zingers at Oprah. Now you cow to the Queen but pick on the weaker, showing once again your streak of bully.

It's official: Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. Seems the only person surprised is Madge. Back in June, in regard to rumors of a break-up, she told Vanity Fair, "You have to get to a point where you care as little about getting smoke blown up your ass as you do when you become a whipping boy in the press. Because, ultimately, they both add up to shit." My advice at that time? "Just get off the shit-spewing merry-go-round when you're selling something so we know who to believe." But Madge can't help herself: she just loves the carnival and going around and around in circles.

And Oliver Stone's "W" opens this weekend. The San Francisco Chronicle's Mick LaSalle says the movie "will put off viewers who approve of the president" and amuse those who consider him a disaster." With those numbers at 17 percent and 78 percent respectively, we predict -- duh -- Stone's flick has a chance at appealing to the majority. But, and it's a big but, do we want to be reminded of the last eight years at all?

And so to come full circle, if you started this post from the top, you know my answer.

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POLITICS

The "Obama Affect": National Joy After A Long, Emotional Winter

By MzEll

SINCE BARACK OBAMA’S ELECTION WIN, I’ve had strangers speak with such sincerity to me and my children that it makes my heart swell. There’s been an overwhelming surge of goodwill in our country since Obama’s victory.

Despite the far right’s love of war games. and Sexy Sarah’s media blitz, even conservatives are bowing to their forthcoming commander-in-chief. A new Gallup poll shows an increase in the number of conservatives who believe Obama will make an effective president

We all listened on that momentous night, as John McCain shushed his booing supporters and challenged them to accept Barack Obama as their president. But his comments to Jay Leno are the ones that gave me the most optimism for the future. “You know, one thing I think Americans don't want is a sore loser.” It was that calm surrender that finally won John McCain my respect.

Elizabeth Hasselback is also working hard to be a team player. The graciousness from The View’s token Republican comes as great surprise. On the morning after the election, I tuned in to hear what Elizabeth had to say now that her candidate had lost. She talked about watching Obama’s acceptance speech that morning with her daughter Grace on her lap. When Grace asked who’d lost the election, Elizabeth told her no one had, and I agree. No one loses when millions of people rise together to speak with their votes. There are no losers when an African American breaks the race barriers man and ascends to the White House.

It appears even Mrs. Palin is willing to set aside her differences with Obama. Just a few days ago she told Wolf Blitzer she’d be glad to assist the Obama administration any way she could, especially when it came to energy policy and special-needs children. I appreciate her helpful offers, even in they’re superficial in nature.

Collectively, our country is embracing the decision its majority made. And though there are reports that hate has reared its ugly horns the wounds to our national psyche inflicted by the last sad eight years have begun to mend. The good-will flows, and my face is sore from my exercising atrophied muscles: I can’t stop wearing a smile.

MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.

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November 15, 2008

SEX, PART TWO

The Gender Wars: My Vagina Is Better Than Your Penis

By MzEll

HEY JASON WILFONG, HERE'S A REVELATION FOR YOU: I love my vagina, probably most for the two adorable godsends that came into this world through that channel than the physical thrill it gives me. And knowing that joy, I wouldn’t think of depriving anyone else from it.

So the “pregnant man” Thomas Beatie has conceived a second child. She and her wife Nancy both made sacrifices to make their family a reality. And even after living with those consequences – harassment, hate mail, notoriety – they choose to have another child.

Anyone claiming to be open-minded would not deny their right to love. Not to women who need medical help to conceive; not to gay men who want children; not to childless couples who use donated eggs or sperm to fulfill a family dream.

That’s the power of the womb. That’s love.

MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.

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SEX

A 'Third Sex?' Pregnant Man Pretends To Have A Dick, And The Media Plays Along

By Jason Wilfong

I CELEBRATE EVERY DAY THE FACT THAT I HAVE A PENIS. The sheer primacy of ejaculating delivers the best high; the violence of the explosion is thrilling. My penis also gives me a sense confidence and strength – and apparently the right to a bigger paycheck. Men on average still make more than women.

So it's no surprise that I don’t get the "pregnant man." Frankly he/she creeps me out.

I'm open-minded. I support gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, and the right to change your sex if you really feel the need.

But this woman decided that she was meant to be a man, that she wanted to live the rest of her life as one. Good for her/him; I say welcome to the men’s club.

But then she/he changes his/her mind and decides she/he wants to procreate? And not only once, but twice?

Here’s a news flash: real men don’t have wombs. You are not a man, Thomas Beatie, just a woman playing dress-up. Pick a side and stick with it. Your gender-bending has become a lie.

Jason Wilfong of Chicago, believes he has unrecognized genius. He also loves sports, comic books and good music. You can reach him via email.

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TELEVISION

The Hot Housewives Of Surreal Atlanta

By SexyChattyCatty

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES ARE SO ‘HO’ HUM. I prefer the Real Housewives, particularly the captivating sistahs of Atlanta, rumored land of milk and honey for upwardly-mobile blacks. Even though they can still be a bevy of backstabbing be-yoches, at least they’re not as insane as those “Of Love” chicks.

Sheree, DeShawn, Kim, Lisa and, my personal favorite, NeNe. I covet their frequent spa treatments even more than the gated houses, personal makeup artists and chefs. Scratch that, I’ve always vowed that if I got to live large a personal chef would be my first hire. But let’s dissect, shall we?

Kim’s first. Unlike the other housewives she’s a white girl who likes to say she’s “a black woman in a white woman’s body.” I hate that phrase. You’re white Kim. And blonde. Nothing black about you; you just hang with black folks sometimes. She also thinks she’s a country singer because she has that big, blonde weave. Poor Kim, she’s not even a good bathroom singer.

Read more about the hot wives! Click here.

SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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November 14, 2008

BUSINESS

In L.A.'s Film Fashion, Porn Is The New Black

By SexyChattyCatty

EVEN THE LOS ANGELES TIMES IS LIFTING ITS SKIRT: PORN HAS BEEN DEEMED MAINSTREAM BY LA LA LAND'S INSTITUTIONAL SCOLD.

I told the editor of this virtual rag this news months ago, but as usual, nobody makes a move in the media without print's version of a blue-haired giving the nod. If Crabby had just listened, she would have printed this months ago when I first sent it. (A closet prude, perhaps?)

So, as I was saying, porn is slowly creeping into the mainstream.

The evidence? First, there's porn star Katie Morgan making an appearance in Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make a Porno, about two friends hard up for cash deciding to make a skin flick.

Up next: 20-year-old Sasha Grey who made her hard-core skin debut at 18. She's set to star in Steven Soderbergh's upcoming, The Girlfriend Experience, the tale of a $10,000-a-night call girl.

And, taking a detour back to the small screen, I was watching Next last year when I saw a familiar face. (Yes, I’m embarrassed to admit, but it’s one of my guilty pleasures.) You know, MTV's show that allows a dater to choose among five contestants holed up (no pun intended) in a tour bus? One by one they enter, and if the date doesn’t go well, or if first impressions are not up to snuff, the serial dater yells, "Next!" And the next victim, er, “datee” comes out. It’s pretty ruthless. I love it.

Anyway, on the lesbian segment up pops porn star extraordinaire Anna Cruz. (Remember, I know this because work at the porn palace.)

Now I’ve seen more of Anna’s body and bodily functions than I care to tell, but I knew that face even clothed. I was flabbergasted. Couldn’t wait to get to work and tell the boss (who had a good chuckle over it while still lamenting the fact that his kids would soon outgrow Nickelodeon and graduate to MTV. )

And, over at Oxygen, the Janice Dickinson Agency has hired the beefcake boyride named Martin Richie, a.k.a York Hubbard. He is deaf and a porn regular. I’m not sure why Janice has kept him on: He’s okay, but not exactly like the hunka hunka perfect specimens that she usually hires. Call me cynical, but I wonder if the deaf angle is the key.

Last season Dickinson had on a woman who cut herself. Maybe she’s taking a clue from her friend, mogul Tyra Banks, who always seems to have someone in her ANTM bunch with an affliction, be it blindness, Asberger’s disease or just “plus size.” Which, I guess, is considered a disease in the modeling world. Even looking at pretty people gets old and the only twist left is 'dirty.'

SexyChattyCatty comments at CrabbyGolightly.com on TV, America's favorite snack food.

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November 10, 2008

POP SCIENCE

A 'Risque' Conclusion? Study Says Sexy TV Conceives More Teen Pregnancy

By MzEll

I HATE TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE. I hate it so much that I rarely even answer. When I do pick it up, I've been known to lie repeatedly to get off as quickly as possible. Telling a telemarketer they just woke up my sleeping baby is my favorite.

This is exactly why I have no faith in a new study by the Rand Corp. which concludes that teens who watch more sexually explicit material on the "boob tube" are more likely to get pregnant.

You might be asking, 'What does this study have to do with the phone?' All of the data in the study was gathered over the phone. Over a period of three years, 12 to 17 year olds were asked via telephone to report their sexual behavior as well as what television they watched. The study concluded that kids who watched more visual vice were twice as likely to become pregnant than those who consumed wholesome programming.

That seems clear-cut enough -- until you look at the actual numbers in the experiment. About 25 percent of the kids dropped out of the study, with another 11 percent being dismissed because they didn’t report sexual activity or denied having any. In total, 64% of the original teenagers are missing from the results.

The researchers based their findings on 36% of a group of teenagers who spoke on the phone 3 times over the course of 3 years with researchers they didn't know personally. This is science?

There was only one saving grace in the New York Times report on the study: the writer suggests that parents sit down with their young adults and explain a realistic perspective of the sexual encounters they view.

My own Mom spent entire weekends watching My So Called Life marathons with me. She taught sex-ed at the time, so that helped. But what was most comforting was just having her there; not so much talking as her simply being present to answer questions, and to appreciate the program for the reasons I loved it.

As mom to two young boys, I know that their clarity of mind for anything beyond girl cooties and Mama-love is a decade away. I don't know exactly how I'll deal with regulating television when that time comes. But I do know I'd rather be sitting on the couch with my boys watching Degrassi and pointing out the realities and over-simplifications, rather than banning them from watching it at all.

As the NYT's writer points out, parents don’t choose when their teens becomes intimate. But when that time comes for my boys, I want them to have the necessary knowledge to make their best decisions.

Maybe I should start watching Gossip Girl for the sake of future research. At the very least, it would give me a good reason to take the phone off the hook.

MzEll is a stay-at-home mom who writes, reads, knits, and tries to maintain sanity on a regular basis. You can read her blog at Cookiemonks.

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November 06, 2008

HISTORY

Hope Delivered: Black Americans Joyous, Proud, Fearful

By Danielle Cadet

TEARS UNCONTROLLABLY ROLL DOWN MY FACE as I think of the Americans who fought and gave their lives just to gain the right to vote. I am basking in the glory and celebration that is this monumental day.

Never in a million years did any of those individuals dream of a black man in the White House. They just wanted -- at the very least -- the chance to choose the white man that would end up there.

I was overcome with emotion when I saw Sasha and Malia playing on stage with Joe Biden’s daughters --Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream materialized in those little girls. Black people just generations from slavery are alive to see a black president. For the first time in my life, I have faith in this country.

At 10:01 I heard the words “Barack Obama will be the 44th president of the United States of America.” I cried. I took pictures. Hell, I may just write a letter to my unborn children.

But although we voted for change, we still need to work toward it. There are so many strides to make. I would love to believe that black people can now change the words from “we shall overcome” to “we HAVE overcome.”

Unfortunately, we have not. I am so proud to be alive to see this day of change, to witness where this country has come. But I look forward to the progress to come. The next four years may be harder than the last 21 months. But I’m strapping my seatbelt and getting ready for the ride.

Throughout the last couple months I’ve always been that black person that has tried to look past the color of Barack Obama’s skin. Sure I loved him because he’s black. But I loved him even more because he was the right man for the job. Regardless of his ethnicity, I always felt like Obama was the better candidate—and I wanted every white person I talked to to know that.

But as Election Day came closer and closer I realized how much this election really was about race. My email was constantly being stuffed with chain mail begging black people to maintain appropriate etiquette on November 5th if Obama actually won. Although I chuckled at so many of the emails advising us not to bring chicken and watermelon to work, or give each other high fives on the street, or (worst case scenario) not show up to work at all, the humor was veiling the more important issue.

Now that Barack Obama has become the 44th president all eyes will be on black people. And while it is a huge victory, I fear that others will expect us to shut up. “You got the damn president, what else do you people want?”

Americans may forget that there’s still A LOT of work that needs to be done -- this became even more evident to me as I skimmed the facebook statuses of dear friends who happened to support McCain.

Danielle Cadet is a Danielle is a journalism student Northwestern University who likes to write about fashion and popular culture catastrophes.

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November 05, 2008

MUSIC NEWS

Looking For Front Row, Center Seats To Britney's 'Circus'

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November 04, 2008

HISTORY

A Black Man President? Change We Can Believe In

By Crabby Golightly

A LIFETIME AGO, THIS WRITER DID A FEATURE STORY exploring the consequences of growing up “biracial.” What always comes back to me is when one biracial woman said that she had come to see herself as an “ambassador” to the world.

This, she said, was the gift of growing up biracial.

On this eve of history, when America appears poised to elect the first man of color as president, even if we can’t agree on taxes or global warming or international strategy, let us agree that the rise of Senator Barack Obama is a turning point in America’s race relations, when all things became possible to all men. (The women will have to wait.)

The excitement, and, of course, hope, that this candidate generates among people and in particular, African Americans, awakens potential for our entire nation. It is impossible to read about the joy and engagement that Obama’s candidacy has created among blacks in particular without getting goose bumps.

• To the New York Times, 20-year-old Bianca Williams says she returned to college after seeing Obama in the first debate. “I started thinking maybe I could help my community like he did. If he could do it then I could do it. It woke me up, careerwise. It just gave me the willpower to go on.”

• In Kenya, 22-year-old Ida Atieno tells the Associated Press, "Obama represents hope. I see myself gaining from an Obama victory because of the inspiration he gives me."

• In France, Kama Des-Gachons, a 28-year-old Frenchwoman whose parents came from Mali, says, “He makes me dream. I even bought a T-shirt with the American flag. America is the country where you can make it."

Barack Obama, a biracial man born to a Kenyan father and a white mother, is indeed America's ambassador to the world.

"With Obama, a certain idea of America is back: that of a generous society where equality of opportunity is not an empty promise,'' said an editorial in France's Le Figaro newspaper last summer. "Hope and change, key words of his campaign, reinforce this rediscovered ideal, which resonates as much inside the country as beyond."

And even if he achieves nothing as president -- an unlikely possibility from one so smart and tempered – Obama will have forever change how blacks see themselves, and how whites and blacks regard each other. And no matter what your politics, surely this is change you can believe in.

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TELEVISION

Is This Déjà Vu? Or Is Larry Birkhead Really Pimping Out His Daughter Again?

By Benjamin Bradshaw B.

SO LARRY BIRKHEAD CONFIRMS RUMORS ABOUT FILMING HIS OWN REALITY SHOW set to premiere on E! in 2009. The show will focus on his life as a courageous single dad, strong businessman, and inspirational home-school teacher to his 18-year-old nephew Justin.

Birkhead won Anna Nicole Smith’s golden baby in the 2007 “Celebrity Maury” scandal and was lucky enough to be painted the underdog amidst a cartoonish cast of paternity possibilities. The conniving lawyer/lover/dealer Howard K. Stern, the giant token body guard, and Zsa Zsa Gabor’s big, wacky, yelling, German husband carried on like characters on a celeb-reality dating show before Birkhead ultimately claimed his prize.

Larry’s career as a paparazzo, shameless affection for Access Hollywood interviews, and carefully frosted tips should have all been warning signs.

The rest of the Anna Nicole circus has slowly shuffled back into the woodwork (read: trailer parks of America), but Birkhead has spent the last year and a half attempting to spin his accidental “baby daddy” image into that of an inspirational Danny Tanner story.

He’s finally ready to move out of the deceased Smith’s house to a “child-friendly” residence where he can live peacefully and thrust his unassuming daughter-cum-meal ticket into the spotlight like her mother.

If not likeable, I can at least say he’s persistent. When life gave Larry lemons, he made lemonade. So what if his ex-lover killed herself on a pill binge during an unfulfilling life in the spotlight? He gets another shot at fame with daughter Dannielynn.

Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who blogs at CrabbyGoLightly.com on culture, ads, and corporate monsters. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.

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November 03, 2008