SCIENCE/FICTION

Will Earth Become Alien After the Second 'Big Bang'?

By Al Perham

FEARMONGERS ARE SPREADING ALARM THAT COME OCTOBER 21, when European scientists officially unveil the world’s largest particle accelerator and attempt to recreate the “Big Bang,” the world as we know it could end.

The European Organization for Nuclear Research will use the Large Hadron Collider to test the existence of the theoretical Higgs boson, which Wikipedia says “could confirm the predictions and 'missing links' in the Standard Model of physics." A documentary on this “six billion dollar experiment” was produced by the BBC.

Yet scientists calculate there is a 1 in 50 million chance that the experiment could create a black hole or a new type of matter, "strangelets,” either of which could destroy our world. Another risk: that the fabric of space could be ripped, creating "a truly cosmic cataclysm.”
Nothing gets the ol' creative juices flowing like the threat of future obliteration! So for your reading pleasure, I’ve imagined several sci-fi possibilities to consider.

Scenario One: Time Travel Becomes Possible

Time travel has been a desire among humans ever since we started making bad decisions back in 10,000 B.C., right up until the production mistake known as 10,000 B.C. From Mark Twain's A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court to the Back to the Future series to Quantum Leap, humans have expressed fascination with time travel. What would I do if I could go back in time? I would be the man to take a bullet for Phil Hartman, thereby creating a strange paradox where I die and no longer exist in the past or the future. Hence, by not saving Phil, I actually live. Get it? Makes me dizzy just thinking about it.

Scenario Two: We Provoke The Wrath of the Netherworld

Ghostbusters taught me that Bill Murray doesn't like to make money off surefire nostalgia blockbusters. It also taught me that residents of the netherworld are dicks. I mean, between the 100-foot marshmallow monsters and the babynapping -- why would we want to mess with these beasts? Although that Slimer seemed like a pretty hep cat, but I'm sure he smells like the ectoplasm that used to come with action figures. That gunk would get everywhere.

Scenario Three: We Create "A Black Hole"

There's a chance that black holes are only bad in our imaginations. My theory is that black holes are only devastating to matter outside their radius. We'll all be safe if the hole is big enough. Hooray!

Scenario Four: The Fabric Of Space Rips

Might the next Big Blowout be the key to interstellar travel: exploring new galaxies, meeting aliens, America becoming the intergalactic “peacekeeper?” (Is Alpha Centauri on the cosmos’ axis of evil?) Or could it be the opening to alternate dimensions? Which will be your favorite -- the cowboy hat dimension? The everyone-talks-with-a-bad-Christopher Walken impression dimension? Or will it be the dimension in which Al Gore won the 2000 election? The possibilities are endless!
What's my favorite? The one where I'm getting paid for this.

Scenario Five: "Dark Matter" Materializes

The final and most probable outcome is truly exciting: Wikipedia describes dark matter as “matter that does not interact with the electromagnetic force, but whose presence can be inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter.” Is this mystically powerful crap capable of solving all our problems? Could it be the sought-after alternative to oil (hah hah, aren't I topical), to the magic elixir that increases the reproductive rate of penguins? Surely the real ”dark matter” would deliver a bigger payoff than that envisioned in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: packing peanuts. Do we really need more of those?

Al Perham is a comedy writer who collaborated on "Spend!", which opens August 14 at The Cornservatory Theater in Chicago and runs to September 11. Get information on the show here at Facebook. You can reach Perham at Alpherham.blogspot.com.