TELEVISION

Something New: "Miz J's 'Mad Men' Minutes. Episode: The Benefactor.

By Miz J

I play a little game when I watch Mad Men: every time someone takes a drink or acts drunk, I take a little sip of my own. Because I’m an alcoholic and a masochist, it puts me in the spirit of the show.

The game works out well for me tonight, because five minutes into the episode, there’s already a boozing incident and I’ve got a jug of Long Islands in the fridge that aren’t gonna drink themselves. I’ll be amazed if I can still type at the end of this one.

We start off with the taping of an Utz’s Chips spot, starring comic and all-around douchebag Jimmy Barrett. This guy’s sooooo talented, he can tell fat jokes and humiliate his client’s wife. Naturally, no one laughs, and the situation reaches epic proportions back at the Sterling Cooper offices. Which means more drinking for both the characters and myself. Mmm, cirrhosis. At this point, I’d tell you all about Betty and that cute young thing that rides horses with her and how he’s got a huge crush on her even though he’s engaged, but I just did. Now let’s get back to the action, since she won’t act on it, no matter how many ways Young Dude tries to make it happen.

Barrett’s caused such a commotion that everyone rushes to Don’s office (I’d be so sick of that job by now if I were him) to see if he can ooze his way into everyone’s hearts and put this whole mess behind the agency to save the account. And Dashing Don rarely disappoints. Um, except when he’s cheating on his wife. Or stealing a fellow soldier’s identity after his untimely death. Or pushing away his emotionally fragile younger brother to the point where he commits suicide. Or telling his kids how to mix him up a perfect Tom Collins. Or…well, never mind. That’s really enough for now, isn’t it?

It’s payday at Sterling Cooper and Harry accidentally opens Ken’s check instead of his own. So now he knows that Ken’s making $100 more per week, and he calls his wife to tell her all about it. Being pregnant, sick and cranky, she first offers him a few suggestions to help him figure out how to make that money, but when he knocks everything down, she basically tells him to do something about it, or let her kneel at the porcelain god in peace and quiet. Because really? If I’d been all sick like that, I wouldn’t have even picked up the phone because HE DID THIS TO ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHbluhpuke!

Back in Don’s office, the crisis planning is over, and everyone walks out feeling good about Don batting clean up again. I assume they’re going back to their individual offices to drink, so I gulp one down too. On the way out, though, Sterling stops Don to tell him that his secretary Lois had no clue where he was. Up to this point, she’s been awful anyway, so it’s no real surprise that he tells her to “stick to the switchboard.” While Don’s trying to figure a way out of well, everything, Harry calls a friend at CBS for job leads. No such luck, but the friend tips him off about a show he’s got that they can’t get a sponsor for. Harry finds a potential sponsor in Belle Jolie, since the show revolves around a thorny women’s issue. This move moves Harry up. More drinking for me! Another day, another shoot with Barrett. This time, Don catches Barrett's wife/manager Bobbie heading out to the Copa, and Don offers to drive her there. Of course, they pull over and cheat on their spouses first. Once home, Betty surprises Don with his watch – repaired and engraved. I think I see him feeling bad about the other chick for a split second, but it passes and he heads upstairs to call her and ask her and Barrett to have dinner with him, Betty and the Utzes, in order to apologize and set things right. This guy mixes business and pleasure like I mix gin and soda – in one delicious, overpowering, intoxicating balance. Mmm, another drink for me.

Um, where the hell is Peggy? Two lines in the background does not work for me, because I have to know why her baby was taken away. Naturally, at the dinner, Don manages to smooth things over. I won’t tell you how, because I was actually surprised at the vile way he did it, and I will not repeat it here. At least not until I’ve had too much to drink. Which should be soon. So Don puts his hand up Barrett’s wife’s skirt and tells her to make an apology happen or he’ll ruin Barrett. Problem solved, even though Betty’s out there working double time to charm this pig over. I really wish she’d bang the Young Dude. Especially after the car ride home, when she cries tears of joy over what a great team she and Don make. Wow, Don, I feel like an asshole FOR you. And that calls for another drink. See you next week, cats.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.