BRANGELINA

Report: St. Angelina's New Babes Delivered By Divine Medical Intervention

By Crabby Golightly AND SO NOW WE KNOW, OR THINK WE KNOW, OR MIGHT KNOW, OR -- OH, WHO CARES? -- SOMEONE IS SAYING OFF-THE-RECORD THAT new celebrity angels Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt are the miraculous result of an Immaculate Conception.

According to that celeb bible US Weekly, the Brang brand was in such a hurry to propogate their genes that they skipped the old fashion method, (but we presume pretended a lot?), and instead went for the twofer plan at the invitro clinic, which wags call an expensive procedure. Surely they're jesting? Expensive to lowly scribes, perhaps, but to Brad and Ang, the estimated $12,000 amounts to a carelessly-left tip.

Says the alleged "well-placed source," Angelina "chose the procedure so she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant. She could just knock it out."

Viv and Knox were born July 12 in a hospital in Nice, France shortly after 6 p.m. The Jewish obstetrician delivered word to his people through the JTA, the Global News Service of the Jewish People, that Angelina was "so, so nice and never complained about anything. There are negative things sometimes written about her on the Internet, but don't believe them.” (To which Crabby wonders: Who'd be mean to the doctor seeing your crowning waxed lips up close?)

Although the shortcut to twins sounds creepy, who could blame Ang? With her soon approaching her woman's sexual peak, she might have another seven years of youthful beauty left before she's reduced to vetting offers for movies like "Momma Mia!" . (And that is not an insult; Crabby adores Meryl Streep, who as far as she can remember never once shuffled her children in front of paparazzi to sell a movie.)

Why bother, if you're a celebrity, worrying about procreation cutting into potentially profitable years? Who wants to carry the extra weight around? By conceiving in a petri dish, Ang saves herself a full year of profits, which are estimated by Forbes to about $14 million annually. Well worth the investment of a $12,000 lab procedure, don't cha think?

And since we brought up paps, daddy Pitt is threatening to sue anyone who publishes photos of his children snapped frolicking at his rented French estate with a long-eyed lens. Brad must be seething that anyone but he and Ang could make money off photos of their children. Oh, how self-centered these celebrities are! They want their cake and to eat it too. And they can!