The Point Is, Gayle, You and Oprah May As Well Get the "Benefits"

OPRAH'S BFF VISITED O'S NEWEST FAN DAVID LETTERMAN last weekend to hawk Oprah's Houlier-Than-Thou Reality TV show, and while there she reminded everyone once again that she and Oprah are definitely, absolutely, positively, however did you get that idea?, no way, not gay lovers.

To which I say: We believe you, honestly, truly, we do, we wouldn't care anyway, not that there's anything wrong with that.

But the point is, Gayle, in case you haven't figured this out, there is not a man in the world who is going to get involved with you since Oprah has outmanned most men in the ego and earning departments (and that's a compliment!).

And Gayle, well, we just can't imagine there's anyone who you are more interested in spending time with. You already admitted that if Oprah were a man that you would marry her. And why not? The alpha male always provides, and few men can provide better than Oprah.

Remember when your ex-husband blamed your divorce on Oprah? That was way back in 1993, and only more of the same ($$$$, gifts, fame, power, glory, sainthood) has occurred since then. Of course, we know that you say your ex cheated on you, but that's what men do when they feel abandoned and kicked to the curb. And let's be honest, what other man can offer you a private airplane, $7 million condos, and a private audience with Nelson Mandela, the Queen of England, or the Pope if so desired. (And let's be real: nobody wants the Pope's company.)

But Tina Turner, yes, Maya Angelou, maybe, Tiger Woods, yes! yes!!, Beyonce, an orgasmic yes!, Barack Obama, ...100 percent yes! But can Michelle be off fundraising somewhere else?

Bottom line: you may as well go for the benefits. You're not going to see a hard one any time soon. That is, until you divorce Oprah.

And why bother when you can buy the best motorized help in the world.