michael clayton

George Clooney plays Hero to Britney's Anti-Hero

GEORGE CLOONEY, SO FAR THE 21ST CENTURY'S BEST VERSION of It's a Wonderful Life's George Bailey, has fallen on his sword on behalf of aggrieved celebrities everywhere. I appreciate that, so I am showing the movie poster for his latest movie, Michael Clayton and urging the dozen of you who breeze by to reward George C. at the box office.

George, the son of a newsman, has figuratively rapped the knuckles of long-lensed predators who chase their prey into dangerous territory. Isn't that what predators always do? The biggest victim to be caught in their trap of late is of course Britney Spears, who was snapped running a red light with her two boys and court-appointed babysitter in tow. Eager to capitalize on her misstep, her ex-arm candy known as K-Fed directed his lawyers to immediately ask L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon to forbid Brit to drive with the boys. The judge, being typical of that breed who stares down upon other lesser beings, immediately ruled against Brit. What I've read so far about this judge makes me yearn for the judicial hijinks of former Broward County Court Judge Larry Seidlin, the man who presided over the custody hearing of Anna Nicole Smith's corpse. Seidlin's wayward questioning had me jumping out of my seat in disbelief, but his personal angst was palpable over the airwaves.

The number of celebs to join the Britney Celebrity Defense League© has just got longer, with Hollywood good girl Jennifer Garner telling Glamour that she sympathizes with the current starlet product line. "My heart just goes out to those girls, especially Britney. After her performance at the VMAs (MTVÕs Video Music Awards, where Garner was a presenter), I wanted to go backstage and mother her. The way everyone was celebrating (her shaky performance) was so unfair." Jen, we believe you, but why do your words sound so hollow when read aloud? I won't be satisfied until all the members of the BCDL throw a 'bash' in her honor. And by 'bash,' I mean party, not roast.

Now comes US Weekly's shocking report that Brit's hymen was broken at age 14. This is news? Oh, yea, I forgot. Brit et al. aren't human; they're mere products to be packaged and repackaged, edited and cropped, touched up or ripped down, any way the media sees fit.

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November 25, 2007

Harvey Levin Tmz

The "Sultan of Sleaze" Gets it Right

HARVEY LEVIN OF TMZ.com KNOWS HE'S GOING TO HELL, and on most days I'd give him a swift kick in the pants and slam hell's door shut. The way he and his Hollywood hit squad torment Britney Spears is unforgivable, and I wouldn't blame her for habitually running over the feet of the site's photog predators.

Yet even sinners have their goods sides, and for me Harvey's good side was on display when gossip's closest thing to gospel, TMZ, broke story after story on Dr. Jan Adams.

TMZ's coverage of the tragic death of Hip-Hop's first momma Donda West has been exceptionally well-done. TMZ was all over the story like blood at a crime scene. (And I mean that in a good way.) Once the news broke that Kanye West's beloved momma died after a marathon session of plastic surgery, TMZ couldn't be stopped and was breaking news all day long about Dr. Adam's personal rap sheet. They dug up previous lawsuits again Mr. Suave for botched plastic surgeries. Pulled him over for his previous DUIS, and also reported that the doctor had a history of being accused of behaving badly in relationships.

Too bad Dr. Adams couldn't "reconstruct" his own personal history. The always dark-humored Philadelphia Daily News said it best with its quip that Donda's death had "gone from sad to creepy to a very special Halloween episode of "Nip/Tuck." How very true.

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November 14, 2007

brtiney spears

Stat! Somebody get Julia Roberts on the Phone!

Anybody with the private number to Julia Roberts is urged to pick up the phone and get her to La La Land in a hurry: Britney is in need of some loving.

The pap's magnification of Britney's human frailties is reaching an all-time high. Now they've got her pinned to the wall with a photo allegedly texting while driving through a red light. Now don't go thinking I'm an apologist for poor little Brit. What I am is a scold to the sleaze media who are unthinkingly ruining at least three people's lives: Brit's and babies' Sean and Jayden.

Can't wait to hear what the court monitor has to say about this one. No, she is not crouching in the front seat of Brit's Benz in fear of Brit's driving: she looks rather to be hiding her face from the cameras. Will she give Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon a first-person account of what it is like to be stalked by the media? I hope so. And for the claims that Fed-Ex deserves the Father of the Year Award, let me pose this question: why, then, when TMZ.com et al. write about his fatherly virtues they never actually have any PICTURES of Mr. Federline with his children in his arms? All I've ever seen is Nanny, Security Guard and Grandma. But when the two wee ones are with Brit, she is the one who is holding them.

I appreciate it when I hear that celebs like George Clooney and Julia Roberts are feeling Brit's pain. Too bad that Brit doesn't have the breeding cred that the two A-listers have. Hollywood's leading lady Roberts is quoted in December's Vanity Fair as saying she wants to park Brit in her guest house and show her the ropes. Here's my plea that Brit actually takes her up on the offer.

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November 12, 2007

sneaky chef

Dishing up Fury: Who Holds the Patent on Mac 'n Cheese and Cauliflower?

In this kitchen corner is Jessica Seinfeld, wife of mega millionaire funnyman Jerry Seinfeld, author of "Deceptively Delicious," and a woman with expensive taste in shoes. (Jessica's no slouch in kissing up, and we do mean UP!, as she ditched her first wealthy husband Eric Nederlander weeks into the marriage after meeting Jerry at a health spa, and then showered Talk Show Prophet (oops, did we mean profit?) Oprah Winfrey with 21 pairs of the world's most expensive footwear, Christian Louboutins, after appearing on O's show to tout her book. )

In that corner of the kitchen is Missy Chase Lapine, author of "The Sneaky Chef," former publisher of Eating Well magazine and the founder of a natural baby bath line BabySpa. Note two things we can't tell you about Missy in an instant: we don't know who her husband is, but surely he isn't worth the hundreds of millions that Jerry is. Nor do we know what type of shoes she wears.

We CAN comment on the faux brouhaha that has erupted like an overcooked souffle: Who stole who's BRILLIANT idea to come up with sneaking veggies in carbs to serve those picky two-foot-high tyrants called children? My response: Duh, who cares? I doubt there's a parent who's walked the Earth who hasn't tried to hide broccoli florets in macaroni and cheese, or peas in tomato soup. Neverthless, we have a marketing scheme whipped up somewhere: a concocted fury over the alleged plagiarism of some cockamamee kids' recipes.

Seriously, folks, (and you Jerry), let's all stop fingering the 'other person' as the 'wackoo' and recognize an unimportant morsel of a story when we see one. All we really need to understand is that Jessica had better connections so that is why her book got more of a push in the public marketplace. Jessica, it turns out, is a better pucker-upper. That's how this world works, right? Now let's all turn our attention to turning all this hot air into a substitute for oil, and not the cooking kind.

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