GUY SMILES
Guy's Stiff Upper Lip? Now Curled Into A Smile
E AT CRABBY GOLIGHTLY ARE NOT SO NAIVE TO AS BELIEVE EVEN A SMATTERING OF THE CHATTER being fed to the media over the Madonna-Guy breakup.
We will not parse every word, every rumor, but we do feel that in this instance the pixs are revealing.
Thus, if you are anything like us and revel in making snap diagnoses based on information gleaned in nanoseconds, here are two photos for your insta-nalysis.
So, can we deduce Guy's happy with the new arrangement? Here's a quick thought: Anybody see recent photos of the kiddies?
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Posted October 23, 2008
MADONNA UNMASKED
Madonna And Her Immaterial Guy
USED TO THINK THAT MADONNA’s move from sexpot to intergalactic hippie after daughter Lourdes was born had finally humanized the diva. I thought that she finally gotten over herself. After all, children are usually good at upending one's vanity.
I thought Guy was a good match. The fake British accent Madge affected after marrying Ritchie and moving to London was ridiculous, but at least she seemed finally stable for her kids. Now that charade seems just another chapter in her book -- or should I say documentary, as she is ever so fond of videotaping herself.
I was never a great fan of her Madg-etsy, though I respected her music and self-invention. This time, though, trading her three children’s near-normalcy makes me ill.
At 50, Madonna is really just too old for this current stunt. I'm not sure we care to see her newest metamorphosis if it means sloughing off responsibility for her children. As the chameleon changes colors yet again, it’s her children who have to adjust to the background. Perhaps Madonna doesn’t know herself at the core; more likely, she doesn’t have a core.
When the news of Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez divorce came out, I took the media's bait that Cynthia was to blame. Now the news is reporting that none of the tales about Cynthia were true, and that Madonna and A-Rod are, in fact, a duo.
I wonder how many innings A-Rod has left before he strikes out at this game.
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Posted October 17, 2008
TATTLE TALE
He Is Because She Is: The Incredible Conceit of Madge's Disappointment In Her Brother
FTER A LIFETIME SPENT HAWKING EVERYTHING
YOU OWN FOR PUBLICITY -- NUDE PICTURES, SEX SECRETS, AFFAIRS OF THE HEART -- YOU CAN BET THAT MADONNA'S BROTHER PICKED UP A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO SELL.
So it seems a bit disingenuous that Madonna's spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg confesses that her client finds it "very upsetting" that her big brother "has decided to sell a book based on his sister."
WTF? This fact seems to speak to me more volumes than any of the nuggets of gossip that have found their way from book to print. As New York mag puts it, "The general sentiment is that the book will reveal that 1) Madonna's marriage is struggling, 2) Madonna is a cutthroat businessperson, 3) Madonna cares only about herself, and 4) Madonna is kind of a bitch. To which we say: "Um, yeah?" EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS THAT."
There will be no truths revealed that we do not already know. But Christopher Ciccone adds a power aid to his juice, and why not? He is an eyewitness to the publicity machinations of a media machine, and he more than most knows that it's all a game.
Now as the book gets released today, the headlines' frame it as Madonna being "betrayed." Here's what I call him: smart opportunist. Why shouldn't he be allowed to play the game he's witnessed so well?Permalink
Posted July 14, 2008
HOT STUFF
Revel In The Fireworks Exploding On New York's Gossip Pages
HO NEEDS TO WAIT FOR DUSK TO FALL TO TAKE IN PYROTECHNICS? On this July 4th, all you need to do is hopscotch between the web's wags to get an earful on several flaming celebrity love matches.
As London wags continue the see-sawing "Will they? Won't they?" speculation about Madonna and Guy Ritchie's alleged impending divorce, New York's news gadflies stalk rock'n roll's High Priestess for evidence of a fling with everybody's favorite bat boy, A-Rod, a.k.a. New York Yankee's Alex Rodriguez.
No sooner had Madonna's longtime spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg denied the latest tryst than other Manhattan newsies reported that Rodriguez's wife Cynthia had sought solace in Paris in the arms of Rocker Lenny Kravitz.
An anonymous source tells Us Weekly that Cynthia "doesn't believe they are just friends. Something deeply suspicious is happening," the source adds. "Cynthia did leave because she is sure this is all true."
Kravitz, for his part, spit out a denial that he was breaking the Seventh Commandment. "I opened my home to her as a friend and I find it extremely hurtful that I am now being referred to as an adulterer," Kravitz said in a statement. 
In the meantime, Ritchie showed up in New York for a photo op to show the world that all is well between him and the Mrs. Here's a thought: Maybe they've agreed to have an open marriage? Seems hardly out of the realm of possibility in Madonna's world.
And if that's not enough drama for you, tune into the goings-on in Central Islip, N.Y. a mere 40 miles west of Madge's stateside condo. That's where former supermodel Christie Brinkley, 54, tearfully testified that her world was "shattered" after she discovered her husband Peter Cook, 49 was a sleazoid who had an affair with an 18-year-old girl and spent thousands on internet porn."
After his wife's dramatic performance, Cook snipped to reporters that "Shrek was more believable."
Tune in tomorrow for the next chapter of "As the World Turns." And thank you're lucky stars that should your love life fizzle, the public spectacle will be much, much smaller.Permalink
Posted July 4, 2008
PUBLICITY EQUALS LIES
Madge's Fiction, Or An Example of "Promotion" As Storytelling
O TRUER WORDS HAVE PROBABLY EVER BEEN SPOKEN BY MADONNA AS WHEN SHE TOLD VANITY FAIR, "You have to get to a point where you care as little about getting smoke blown up your ass as you do when you become a whipping boy in the press. Because, ultimately, they both add up to shit."
Of course there was more to that comment, but none of it is important at this moment. What is relevant is that Madonna admits to being impervious to having "smoke blown up" her ass. So what follows is either 1) She is a very poor listener. Or 2) She is every bit as capable of scattering scat herself.
And now we have the evidence: The British blog Holy Moly! has reported that Madge has been seen scouting out the offices of high-profile divorce lawyer Nicholas Mostyn allegedly to begin divorce proceedings against her hubby, Guy Ritchie.
The rumored divorce comes mere months after Madonna was slogging the "happy" shit while promoting her new album Hard Candy. During her much-ballyhooed press tour, Madge pooh-poohed rumors that she and Guy were having marital difficulties and talked about how great sex is with Guy. Her longtime spokeswoman continues to deny the rumor telling press sources yesterday that the rumor was "totally not true."."
So which comes first: Smoke-blowing? Or words adding "up to shit." We don't want to know what goes on in your bedroom, Madonna. Just get off the shit-spewing merry-go-round when you're selling something so we know who to believe.
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Posted June 10, 2008
HARD SELL
So This Is What Madonna Means When She Sells "Hard Candy"
HE WORLD CAN REST NOW KNOWING THAT MADGE, the rock and roll legend with the unquenchable appetite, is getting her sexual kicks. The one and only Madonna confesses in Elle's May issue that hubby Guy satisfies her -- at least in bed. Madge has a song on her new album Hardy Candy, in which she says, "Sex with you is incredible." The Elle interviewer asked the obvious: Is she singing about Guy? "Absolutely," Madonna's quoted as saying. "Sex with Guy is incredible ... And surprise, surprise, it's his favorite song on the album. Actually, maybe it's not his favorite song, but it's definitely his favorite line."
Of course, none of this can actually be believed because Madonna's in selling mode, and in that mode everything is suspect. For all anyone really knows, Madge could be singing about sex with herself. But unless she has a guest appearance on The Moment of Truth, we'll never get to ask.
Another clue to that "incredible" sex is a study in the news today that says it takes as little as three minutes to satisfy a woman in bed. According to an AP story,
"A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes."
But don't get cocky, guys: this optimal time does not include foreplay -- the most important part for women, so men, you're not off the hook.
Another not-so-newsworthy fact from the study, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine: It's difficult for both older men and young men to make sexual intercourse last much longer than the median 7.3 minutes. Duh. Dud. And one final conclusion: sex that lasts between one and two minutes is "too short." We can all rest now knowing that Guy surely is beating the averages?
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Posted April 2, 2008
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