By Karen Malmquist
AMERICA HANGS ITS COLLECTIVE HEAD THIS MORNING, WONDERING IF WE’RE RIGHT FOR LAUGHING At Deena Cortese as she cried and danced her way to jail on Thursday’s Jersey Shore. We watch her world unraval and her big bouncy ball deflate, along with her sobriety.
Picking up from last week, everyone is still in the middle of a giant fight that has taken over the club. No one really knows what happened, just that Sam was so in shock that she said “Oh my god” about 15 times. Roger somehow finds himself in the fight, and Jenni tries to break it up. A super drunk and angry Roger pushes Jenni down and out-of-the-way, so Jenni throws her drink in his face. They all leave the club, and Ryan tries to calm Roger down. Jenni’s walking with Deena when she feels her ankle snap. She keeps walking, and Deena tries to tell her that Roger didn’t know it was her that he pushed. Jenni confronts her boyfriend, who seems to acknowledge that he did push Jenni.
The gang heads home, but Roger is MIA. Ronnie calls him to see if he’s okay, and he says that he’s done dealing with Jenni’s BS, but Ron knows he’s just heated from the fight.
The next day, everyone is HUNG. OVER. Half of the roommates don’t know what day it is, although some manage to eventually pull it together. Sammi and Ron discuss the night’s dramatics on the drive to the gym. Sam explains that Jenni was just trying to protect Roger, but Ron says that when guys fight like that girls shouldn’t be nearby. This is the most we’ve seen these two get along, like, ever.
Nicole takes Jenni to the doctor to get her ankle checked. She needs to get an x-ray, so immediately Jenni thinks she’s going to be wheelchair bound for the rest of her life. While they wait, Nicole decides to measure herself. She finds out that she actually’s shrunk an inch, making her now 4 feet 8 inches. Jenni then finds out that she has a serious fracture in her ankle, so now she has to wear a splint. Obviously Jenni’s sad that she has off her feet for a while, but Nicole’s happy because she has a “disable buddy” now.
Meanwhile, while at lunch, the guys make fun of Jenni for complaining and over-exaggerating everything. Well, they’re really gonna have fun now, knowing that Jenni’s world is crumbling because she can’t wear heels for a couple weeks.
Jenni and Nicole head home, and Jenni’s quickly in sweats, with her feet up, and stuffing her face. She thinks this is the end of life as she knows it, but now she has an excuse to do what every girl dreams of doing all the time.
When the guys get home, the girls tell them that Jenni broke her foot. Thinking they’re being funny, they exaggerate the diagnosis and say she broke her leg. The guys don’t buy it, and Vinny does his best whiny Jenni impression during his interview.
Night falls, so it’s time to get ready for Karma, and Jenni decides that she’s going to put on a brave face and go out with everyone. Nicole goes to keep Jenni company, although Vinny’s crazy cousins and uncles show up, so that’s enough company for six people. Nicole acts as waitress to the other girls, and even though Jenni is immobile, she hops onto uncle Nino’s lap and gives him a little twirl. Oh, and then she grabs her crutches and tries to dance. It doesn’t work. She somehow finds a wheelchair, and decides sitting is her best option. But nope, she somehow manages to make an ass out of herself while trying to sit still.
Mike is way too sober to be here right now, (but that’s a good thing). Drunk girls are all over him, and Jenni, of all people, helps him out by saying he has a girlfriend. Mike is then confronted by some aggressive guys who get too close. In his interview, he says that getting too close is a bad idea, because he is “ripped like Rambo, and can roundhouse kick like Van Damme. Yep, he’s still the same Situation. He walks home early to avoid a fight, and then calls Paula to chat and asks if she wants to come over and snuggle.
The rest of the roommates get home, and Deena, Ron, and Sam put on casual digs and decide to play with Deena’s giant blue ball. It hits something and suddenly deflates, so does what anyone would do: she crawls inside of it. In her little confessional, she drunkenly explains that she’s a poet and didn’t even know it and then says something incoherent. “Oh, Deena, you’re so funny!,” she says in her head because her lips have stopped moving correctly.
The next… well, afternoon, probably, Deena runs out of the house, down the boardwalk, and starts to hold her own meatball auditions. Qualifications include: ability to fall down without ruining hair, and having no grasp of time.
Paula has sent a box of chocolate-covered strawberries and stuff to be delivered to the house, and Mike announces to the guys that he’s going to define the relationship. That must’ve been some really good chocolate.
So Deena’s in the middle of dancing alone on a table with other girls cheering her on, and suddenly she bursts into tears. She misses her meatball, and announces it to the people at the bar, who try to comfort her without making it obvious that they’re trying not to laugh. Deena then gallops into another bar and starts dancing with her reflection, and telling herself how cute she is. Then she runs out, in search of another giant bouncy ball.
Nicole comes over to tell Jenni about the night before, since apparently Jenni doesn’t remember. Nicole’s a little annoyed that Jenni decided to start being fun once she got pregnant.
Deena runs into the T-shirt shop with her bouncy ball, and falls down while asking Danny if he’ll have a meatball day with her and/or take her to the liquor store. One of the employees agrees to babysit her while she heads to another bar.
Sam and Ron are supposed to hang out with Deena, but she’s nowhere in sight. They decide to go get breakfast on the boardwalk, and on their way they run into Deena, who charges out of a bar. She wants to play with Ron’s glasses, and chases him around the bar, while Sam watches in disbelief.
Deena then runs off the boardwalk and into the street, where people are trying to keep her from running into traffic. Cops eventually come to her rescue, so to speak, and cuff her. Sam comes running after her to ask what’s going on, and it really sounds like dozens of beach-goers are cheering on the situation. Unfortunately for Deena, she didn’t brush her hair this morning, so that mugshot is not going to be cute!
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.