By Karen Malmquist
“I JUST DON’T WANT A LOT OF DRAMA, LIKE LAST TIME,” SAYS Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, who seems to say this every time a new season of Jersey Shore begins, as if she’s unaware of what show she’s on and that her life has become The Truman Show. Well, if the dramatics are what put the gang and Seaside Heights, NJ on the map, why stop now? Judging by the fact that one of the roommates starts crying when another asks about furniture, this is season is going to be one hot mess of an emotional roller coaster.
The sixth and final season of Jersey Shore kicked-off Thursday night with back-to-back episodes, and change is certainly in the air. Pauly is newly-signed to G-Unit Records and has opened for Britney Spears. Nicole is still going through the world’s second most obnoxious pregnancy behind Giuliana Rancic’s. And her arch nemesis, Mike, is newly sober. Vinny, Ron, Sam, and Deena must’ve been up to something, while Jenni spent the last few months fighting with Roger. It’s nice to see these guys doing so well in life, especially considering the fact that their shore house had to have been the inspiration for American Horror Story.
Ron and Sam are still together and they seem cautiously hopeful for the summer. Based on how great last summer went, and by that I mean they got along so well that we all forgot they were still on the show, there’s a good chance they won’t be at each other’s throats this time. (But probably not.)
America’s Favorite Human Being, Deena, lost many pounds, has a boyfriend, and is just an all-around happy little sprite. She’s hoping that she has a fun and happy summer, and is blissfully unaware that she’ll end up following in Nicole’s footsteps and getting arrested.
Jenni and Roger seem to be doing better since Jersey City (pretend we don’t know they’re already engaged), Vinny is feeling happier since his bout with anxiety last season, and Mike is driving to Seaside sober for the first time. Wait, he was intoxicated on camera while driving a motor vehicle and MTV didn’t stop him?
Mike is the first to arrive at the house, so he begins to cook dinner for all the roommates when they arrive later. Deena comes in, and Mike seems genuinely happy to see her. He compliments her on her noticeable weight loss and offers to help her unpack.
Pauly is next, and, like Deena, is happy to see Mike so happy and healthy. Then Ron and Sam arrive. Sam says in her interview that she’s still gonna keep her distance, just in case he gets back into his old ways.
When Vinny walks in, he and Pauly practically run into each other’s arms in slow motion.
No one’s picked rooms yet, and there doesn’t seem to be any drama about who’s gonna sleep where. Ron and Sam finally get a room to themselves, MVP get the upstairs room for three together, and the overall mood of the house is sunshine and rainbows. It’s a little unsettling to watch, to be quite honest.
Then Jenni and Nicole arrive. Jenni walks into the house announcing that it smells like butthole, referring to Mike’s cooking. Nicole coolly says hi to Mike, and then walks upstairs.
After Nicole, Deena, and Jenni unpack their stuff in their room, the meatballs have a heart-to-heart on the roof. Nicole promises to still play with Deena, although it’ll be hard for Deena to go to Jenks at 10am without her partner in crime.
During the family dinner, Mike makes a cheesy speech welcoming everyone to the house. He explains that he couldn’t keep living the hard life he was, and decided he needed to turn his life around. The gang then goes up to the roof together, where Mike proceeds to his personal Step 9, sits everyone down and personally apologizes to each roommate for the trouble he put all of them through over the years.
The next morning, everyone is awake before 9:30, which no one knew was possible. They all head to the gym, and while everyone is working hard, Nicole is annoyed that she can’t do much due to her pregnancy.
It’s time to go tanning, and it must be torture for Nicole to have to sit in the tanning salon and not be able to get sprayed-down with Cheeto dust like she used to. At least she can still wear her hair extensions, which seem to be the only thing keeping her spirits up at the moment.
The girls go out to lunch together, and Deena suddenly bursts into tears. She misses her boyfriend Chris, and the others, who have been through this before with their own boyfriends, comfort her and tell her that she’ll get used to spending time without him.
Nicole obviously can’t go out to Karma with the rest of the house, so she gets all dolled-up for a dinner date with Jionni. Everyone else is out on the roof, and within seconds Deena falls off the hammock. Summer has officially begun!
When Jionni comes over to pick up Nicole, Vinny walks right him without saying anything. He and Pauly discuss it, and then Pauly remembers that Nicole hooked up with Vinny. So yeah, it might be a little awkward.
At dinner, Jionni can tell that Nicole is sad that she can’t be out with her friends. He asks if Nicole wants to go to Karma after dinner, and she asks if he thinks it’d be tacky for a pregnant girl to be at a nightclub. Only if they’re drinking, Nicole.
Meanwhile, at Karma, Mike is actually enjoying his night, dancing with the guys and drinking a water bottle. Jenni even comes over and says that it’s good he’s handling himself so well.
Chris comes to Karma to see Deena, because it’s been a very rough 36 hours without each other. It’s clear this is the longest they’ve been apart since they started dating nine months ago.
Nicole tells Jionni that she plans on talking to Danny about getting her own house on the shore so that she can have a better time with her pregnancy. Jionni says, “Okay”, which is pretty much the only word he’s uttered since Italy.
Well now, Sam and Ron are fighting! Was anyone keeping track of how long it took for this to happen? They’re both pretty drunk, and he tells her that she should’ve eaten before drinking. She says she’s having a good time and that she’s fine, and then he says that there are a million girls out there that can do what she does.
Mike looks around the club and sees how crazy the other guys are acting. In his interview, he says, “I see that these guys probably aren’t making the best decisions, and I’m seeing that I probably didn’t make the best decisions when I was like that, either. But I know I didn’t.”
Vinny finds out that Chris makes and sells furniture, and since he just recently bought himself a new house, he naturally asks Chris for some advice. Vinny really had no other motives; he just wanted to learn about furniture. You know, normal things guys want to do when they’re drunk. Deena starts crying, this time because she thinks Vinny’s making fun of Chris or something like that. Vinny and Chris try to calm Deena down, since Chris knows that Vinny is a true furniture aficionado, while Vinny and Mike try their hardest not to laugh at Deena.
Even after they all leave the club, Deena is still crying. Even better is that she’s crying with Chris right next to her, and she’s still crying about the furniture. If anyone should be crying about furniture, it’s Vinny. I mean, he never got an answer from Chris about what kind of coffee table he should get!
The gang heads to a fast food restaurant on the boardwalk after the club, and Mike says that he ironically had more fun at Karma while sober than he’s ever had their before. The others are impressed by how well he did.
Back at the house, Ron runs upstairs and steals a blanket from the other guys to bring back to him and Sam’s room, but not before tumbling down the stairs and giggling as he face-plants. Sam doesn’t seem too amused.
Mike comes into his and Pauly’s room to tell him that there’s a situation: Mike’s girl told him that her friend, the girl Pauly brought home, is on her period. That’s a big no-no. Mike amicably sends the girls home, asking them to holla when her situation is over.
The next morning, Mike is up super early and feeling great. So great that he kind of just dances around in the kitchen by himself. Ron wakes up, unaware of what he said to Sam the night before. He obviously blacked-out. Now he, Sam and Mike head out to lunch together. Mike fills Ron in on the little bit he saw of him that night, and over lunch Sam and Ron tell Mike how happy they are that he’s gotten himself together.
Deena comes outside to talk to Vinny, who is currently playing with his shoes for some reason. She apologizes for how she acted last night, and Vinny tells her that it’s unhealthy for her to be that upset when being apart from her boyfriend for such a short period of time.
The guys grill Nicole about Jionni, and Vinny pushes her buttons about how he thinks he should be bros with Jionni, since they’re Eskimo buddies (they’ve hooked up with the same girl).
Nicole, Deena, and Pauly head out to work together the next morning. Nicole pulls Danny aside to explain to him her concerns with her pregnancy and living in the party house. He offers her a place in a nearby apartment on the shore, since Nicole says that all she needs is a bed and a shower. Since, you know, she doesn’t need extra room for tanning products anymore.
The guys take full advantage of the boardwalk by going on all the rides until Mike and Vinny physically can’t do anything but have a tender moment together on a bench together. “Do they have self-help s— in rehab? Like, spiritual s—?,” Vinny asks.
“Yeah, you’re s’posed to meditate and s— like that,” says Mike. “…I’m so more in the moment than I ever was.” It’s actually a precious scene.
Deena and Jenni head to a bar together and after a few drinks, Deena asks Jenni what’s the difference between shame and integrity. She thinks they’re the same thing, and Jenni is laughing too much to give her a proper answer, so she asks the bartender for help.
Sam and Nicole did some shopping and are now wondering where the other girls are. Well, after knocking back a few strong drinks, Deena and Jenni are happy that happy hour has finally started. Yeah, they’re not going anywhere.
During the Sunday family dinner, everyone discusses losing their virginity. It’s nice to know that even though everyone is all grown up and mature or whatever, they can still talk like a bunch of sorority girls. Vinny briefly decides to be celibate, and everyone makes fun of him. On a serious note, Nicole announces that she’s considering getting her own place for the remainder of the summer. They all say they understand, with her being pregnant and all. Well, Deena’s obviously sad that she’s losing her meatball. Nicole explains that she’ll still be coming to visit and is still very much a part of the group.
After dinner, Vinny decides to gather everyone in a circle in a living room to have a rap battle. Since no one wants to battle Vinny, they decide to play a game called Ninja, which is basically extreme charades.
Remember when Nicole said she hopes there’ll be no drama this time? Well, it looks like there’s gonna be plenty of it. Deena gets arrested, everyone cries, and there’s an incident Mike doing a strip tease with a bubble machine this season. We begin the longest goodbye.