By Karen Malmquist
AMERICA’S STRIPPER OBSESSION CAME TO A SCREECHING HALT Thursday when the Jersey Shore‘s ‘The Situation’ turned out to be a not-so- “Magic” Mike. It’s nice to see that he’s bonded so well with the roommates this season, but if he wanted them to take him seriously again, maybe trying to relive his stripper days wasn’t such a great idea.
Before any of the fun can happen, Jenni gets a call from Roger, saying that Jionni told him that she was talking badly about his relationship with Nicole. She gets mad, and then calls Jionni. He explains that he has been around every weekend and at least two or three times a week, but Nicole probably just doesn’t tell them. Turns out he’s right. She feels defeated and goes back to bed.
The gang sits around the living room, and Mike mentions how he used to be a stripper all throughout college. WAIT. HOLD THE PHONE. Mike went to college? More on this later.
They head out to Karma, and Paula is there, looking like a slutty prom queen. She’s dressed like a disco ball, with a tight, short silver dress and overly curled hair. She insists that she’s not gonna be up Mike’s butt all night. A girl starts dancing with Mike and certainly gets his attention. He wants to take her home, but Paula is not having it. She comes over and starts yelling at him. Mike insists the girl was just hitting on him and that was it. Paula apologizes and leaves, but comes back when the other girl stumbles back over to Mike.
Paula tries to shoo her away, claiming that Mike’s not interested. She heads back to her corner of the club where she can keep a watchful eye on him. When she’s not looking, Mike makes his move. Mike basically carries the girl out of Karma, because she is so trashed. No name’s boobs fall out of her top, and she begins falling over the place.
Pauly brings a girl home, and he certainly has fun with her. The rest of the roommates can actually feel the floor shake, and say how proud of him they are. It’s been three weeks since he’s gotten laid, which is 20 years in Pauly time, apparently.
The meatballs are planning to hold meatball auditions, so they plan the entire event, complete with rules and a vuvuzela. The potential meatballs need to hiss after taking shots, do body shots with an old man, etc. The girls they find at the bar are totally up for anything, including putting on wizard hats and going up to random people and “Merp!” them with wands.
Ron and Sam are planning on moving in together post Shore, and they celebrate by going mini golfing. Sam then asks what would happen if they had a baby. Ron says that if it’s a girl, he’s going to “push it back up.” Uhh…
Deena brings home all the meatball winners, including a girl from Scotland. Everyone else is really confused, and Jenni is irritated that Deena is letting them all use her stuff without asking. Like, it’s annoying enough that Deena uses her stuff. Jenni’s over it enough to straighten Deena’s hair, but Deena is too wasted to stand still and let her do so.
Scotland is annoying the crap out of Vinny and Pauly, and Nicole is definitely not jealous that she can’t go out with everyone. She happily runs home to her place and calls it a night. Scotland tries to flirt with Vinny, but he’s exhausted just being in the same room as her.
At the club, Deena is so drunk that she is dancing while lying on her back, waving her legs in the air and showing the world her lack of underwear. Her meatballs are nowhere in sight, so it looks like lying down on the dance floor is what it’s come to.
When they get home, Mike sees how trashed Deena is, and carries her to bed, and even tucks her in.
The next day, everyone decides that they need to wrap up their time together with a bonfire on the beach. Everyone loves the idea so much that they decide to practice for the bonfire by cooking dinner together. For the first time ever, Deena actually contributes.
During Sunday dinner, the roommates tell Mike he needs to strip for them. The guys set up fog and bubble machines, and Nicole waves a flashlight around when the room goes dark.
Mike is not exactly the best stripper. He’s got no moves, and it’s more awkward than anything, especially because it’s Jenni who’s handcuffed to the chair. Everyone loves that Mike is still trying and having fun, despite being terrible at stripping. Nothing says family bonding like having your roommate’s crotch in your face!
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.