By Karen Malmquist
NOW THAT DEENA’S SOBERED UP AFTER HER ARREST, it’s time for round two on Thursday’s Jersey Shore, this time with more hysterical crying.
Nicole almost sets her house on fire, Ronnie learns a little too much about Deena’s sex life, and Vinny and Pauly finally have the romantic photo shoot they’ve been dreaming of. But first…Jenni and Roger finish their tear-filled phone conversation about the status of their relationship, and Roger tells Jenni that they’re not breaking up. Although Jenni’s face is all puffy and swollen from the crying, it looks like she’s trying to smile.
Mike is already pulling away from Paula. Last week, we saw him get a little scared when she immediately started rambling about buying a puppy together and getting married and having babies. Worried is an understatement.
When Ronnie, Mike, and Deena head to work, Deena throws a trash bag over her head to keep her hair from getting wet in the rain. Danny brings Deena a “present” in the form of an orange jumpsuit costume. Deena actually likes it, so she throws it on for the rest of her shift. While Mike is telling the gang how he wants to “spruce up” Paula like his own living doll, she walks in, iced coffee in hand. Luckily, she didn’t hear what Mike was saying about her being too comfortable, thanks to the constant buzzing in her head. She says that she’s going to have a girl’s day with her friend, and then kisses Mike goodbye.
Mike shouldn’t be so worried that Paula found him at work, even though she’s never been there before. The store practically gives him away. The Shore Store, which we all thought was strictly a beach bum/ skeez haven, is revealed to be a part One Direction/ part “I Love the Situation” merchandise store, thanks to a new Spike Lee-style camera angle used as Paula walks out. So it’s no wonder Paula found Mike there with his name plastered all over the place, because no One Direction fan would have a boyfriend.
Vinny and Pauly love Deena a lot. She’s like their little sister. What do you do to your little sister? Constantly mess with her. The boyfriends decide to go to a photo booth and reenact all of Deena’s pictures with her boyfriend Chris, and replace them in the frames. They barely get through it, due to their constant giggling during the photo shoot and the resizing/ editing process. When they get home, they find that Deena is already home, so she noticed that her picture frames were gone when the boys took them to use as a reference. Pauly easily distracts Deena while Vinny puts the new pictures at her bedside. When she finds them, she starts laughing hysterically. Awww.
Deena and Ronnie head to a bar, where Deena is handed Pillow Pets by strangers. As she gets more intoxicated, she tells Ronnie more and more about Chris’ sex life. He tries not to visibly gag as she keeps talking about how Chris is the first guy to make her orgasm. No one needs to know that, Deena. And yet, here I am, writing about it.
When they get home, Ron whispers to Sam that he loves Deena to death, but she talks about herself way too much sometimes.
Deena spots the cops who arrested her, and instead of getting mad, she walks over to make sure she’s okay how she is. He says she’s doing fine, and then Deena gives him a hug.
The gang heads out to Karma, and Roger shows up to surprise Jenni with all of her best friends from Long Island. This is the first time anyone has ever “Awww”’d over these two.
A random girl walks up to Mike and starts gyrating on his lap, and he certainly doesn’t stop her. One of Paula’s guy friends asks if he can talk to Mike for a second, and lets him know how much Paula loves him, so he better watch himself. Another one of Paula’s friends, Whitney, tells Mike that he needs to watch out, too.
On the cab ride home, Ron and Sam let it slip to Deena that she talks about herself a lot, which makes Deena sad and pouty. Ron calmly tries to talk her down when they get home, saying that he really did have a great time hanging out with her and that he’s not mad or anything. She’s still upset, though.
The next morning, Deena walks over to Ron and gives him a hug, because she knows she was just drunk and emotional the night before. Ron decides he wants to skip GTL with the guys and have a girls’ day with Sam and Deena.
Nicole wants desperately to cook dinner for Jionni, she’s obviously struggling. There’s steam and smoke everywhere and she probably doesn’t have the proper cooking utensils. Since the apartment is on the verge of being engulfed in flames, she sits down and calls her dad. You know, just to chat.
Sam is ready to go home and shower before going out, so Deena decides to stay at the bar by herself. When Sam gets home, she answers the phone. It’s Deena’s mom. Uh-oh! She asks if Deena is behaving like she was the week before when she got arrested, and Sam says she doesn’t think so, and that she’ll have Deena call her as soon as she gets home. When she hangs up, she realizes that she probably shouldn’t have left Deena alone on the boardwalk.
Jionni comes over for dinner, and Nicole feels like Jionni will say he likes it when he secretly hates it. He insists that he loves her feast, but she can tell that he’s lying to make her feel better. He says her cooking is seriously really good, which makes Nicole happy.
Deena finally stumbles home completely bombed. She hobbles around the house until her mom calls, when she tells her that she’s drunk. Her mom says that she can’t keep getting that drunk on the boardwalk, and that she can go to jail for her arrest. Deena starts crying and insists she’s fine, but her mom tells her to pack her bags because she’s going to take her home.
The rest of the gang is in the living room getting ready to leave, when they find Deena passed out on the couch. She suddenly wakes up, asks how she got there, and decides to call her mom to ask if she can stay. She insists that she’ll do better, and her mom agrees to let her stay at the house.
Seconds later, Ron’s laughing at Deena rolling around drunk on the floor. She gets emotional again, and says she’s going home. She calls her house again, and her dad picks up. She begs him to come get her, and he says he can get her in the morning. Ron says that she always says she’s going home and never actually does. Deena is belligerent (sorry, Deena, if you’re reading this. I know you are), and starts crying and yelling at him about how he doesn’t understand how she feels.
Next week, it’s Nicole’s turn to get herself in trouble with the law. One of those claw arcade games is broken, allowing her to easily steal a giant giraffe stuffed animal. Will she get caught? Will she decide to succumb to the justice system? We’ll have to wait and see!
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.