THE CHICAGO WAY

The Chicago Way: Emanuel Appoints Daughter Of Outgoing Alderman To City Council

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME:

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel has appointed Deb Mell, the daughter of retiring Alderman Richard Mell, to replace him as representative of the city’s 33rd Ward.

Mell, 75, “also known as Rod Blagojevich’s father-in-law,” represented Chicago’s Northwest Side for nearly 40 years. His daughter Deb Mell has been serving as a state representative for Illinois’ 40th district. Although Emanuel promised to consider “all qualified candidates,” Emanuel in the end opted to perpetuate Chicago’s machine politics.

IMMORTALIZED IN GUINNESS

Renown Guinness ‘Shoe’ Collector Found Dead In Pool

THE BOYFRIEND OF A CALIFORNIA woman who was renown for collecting shoes and shoe-themed bric-a-brac was arrested on suspicion of killing her.

Darlene Flynn, 58, was found dead in her pool at her Menifee, Calif. home. Her alleged boyfriend, 29-year-old Justin Smith, was seen fleeing from the scene and later arrested near a highway. “She had suffered blunt-force injuries,” according to the Associated Press.

Flynn held the Guinness World Record for most shoe-related items, amassing more than 15,000 shoe-related items including “a replica of Cinderella’s glass slipper and her treasured grandmother’s wedding boot.”

SPICY BIOGRAPHY

Seventies’ TV Mom ‘Shirley Partridge’ Cops To Threesome, Easy Orgasms

By Elizabeth Coady

SHIRLEY JONES, A.K.A. SHIRLEY PARTRIDGE from the hit 70s’ series The Partridge Family, apparently was red-hot in the bedroom.

The acclaimed star of The Music Man and Oklahoma! reveals her steamy side in a new eponymous-titled autobiography published yesterday, confessing that her first husband Jack Cassidy was a “highly sexed” “Svengali” who steeped her in “the wonders of sex.”

It didn’t hurt that he apparently was hung, so to speak, and his talents meant orgasms were “a breeze” for her. The marriage lasted 19 years.

LONG LIVE THE KING

John Stillwell/Pool/AP

Kate & William Introduce Tiny Future Monarch To The World

By Elizabeth Coady

THE FUTURE FAIR-HAIRED MONARCH OF ENGLAND EMERGED FROM ST. MARY’S HOSPITAL wearing a wrinkled brow and swathed in a white blanket.

Only a day old, the as-yet named prince was cheered loudly by Britons who collectively appeared to be in the throes of a nine-month bender.

Looking exultant and overcome with emotion, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge smiled broadly and soaked in the adoration of the thousands who cheered their happy delivery. The couple then briefly stepped before the microphones, where Prince William declared “He’s got a good pair of lungs on him, that’s for sure. He’s a big boy, he’s quite heavy. We’re still working on a name, so we’ll have that as soon as we can.”

Kate, who wore a blue loose-fitting polka-dotted dress, remarked that she was feeling “very emotional.” “It’s such a special time,” she said. “Any parent will know what this feels like.”

HELL’S BELLS

Be Afraid, America: ‘Zombie Skin’ Singers Appear Live On America’s Got Talent Tonight

By Elizabeth Coady

MEET AARALYN O’NEILL, THE 6-YEAR-OLD HEADBANGER WHO WILL HAUNT YOUR DISNEYANA DAUGHTER’S DREAMS.

The tike and her 9-year-old brother Izzy have been featuring their raucous heavy metal music on YouTube for a couple of years, but it was their June visit to America’s Got Talent that catapulted them to genuine Internet fame. So far, their original television appearance has been watched more than 14 million times on YouTube.

“We can’t wait to hear your sweet music,” judge Howard Stern told them after they made their introductions.

But once Aaralyn began belting out Zombie Skin, Heidi Klum looked like she wanted to hide and Melanie Brown looked apoplectic. Both Brown and Stern buzzed to stop the act, but Stern claimed he only wanted to prevent Aaralyn from hurting her throat.

“I”m really confused,” Heidi Klum confessed afterward. “You’re so cute and sweet, and when you open your mouth…What goes on in your house?”

TARNISHED ‘HALO?’

Beyonce & Fan Clash On Stage, Creating A Hair Emergency

By Elizabeth Coady

WE AGREE WITH THOSE WHO THINK THAT BEYONCE MIGHT SUFFER A WEE BIT FROM HAVING A BIG HEAD, BUT this might be going too far to deflate it.

The diva’s hair got caught in a fan while she was performing her hit Halo during a concert in Montreal over the weekend and her staff had to cut her loose.

SCIENCE

DigitalTrends

Study: Dolphins Call Each Other By ‘Name’

By Elizabeth Coady

COUNTERING WHAT SCIENCE USED TO ‘KNOW,’ Researchers at the University of St. Andrews have discovered that bottlenose dolphins use unique “vocal labels,” or names, to communicate with one another.

The research, published in the Proceedings of The National Academy Of Sciences found that bottlenosed dolphins mimicked the sounds of their own voices when they were played back to them, but stayed silent or made unrelated noises when listening to the chirps of other dolphins.

CHEEKY

MSNBC Host Makes Politically Fashion-Forward Statement With Tampon Earrings

MSNBC HOST MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY broke through cable’s noise Sunday morning by making a very fashion-forward statement.

The weekend morning talk show host donned the earrings live to express her gall that feminine products were banned from inside the Texas State Capitol last week while legislators were voting on the country’s most-restrictive anti-abortion legislation in the nation.

HER AMAZING GRACE

GQ

Rocker Pink ‘Happier Than Ever’ Being A Mom

BAD-ASS ROCKER PINK TELLS Australia’s GQ that being a mum is “rad” and “the most important thing” she and hubby Carey Hart have ever done.

“I didn’t want kids. I was terrified,” the Philly native said about life before motherhood. “…I had moments where I wanted a kid with Carey. You know — you first fall in love, and you’re like, ‘We should have kids,’ and then it went away. But he always wanted kids and then we did it, and now it’s like, ‘F—,’ this is so rad. It’s more important than anything we’ve done.”

HEIR TO THE THRONE

What The Heavens Herald For The New Royal Baby

By Elizabeth Coady

THE ROYAL BABY’S ON NEARLY HERE! And the 1,000-year-old fairy tale continues.

Clarence House tweeted official word early this a.m. that the Duchess of Cambridge is in labor. Katherine Middleton was accompanied to St. Mary’s Hospital by her hubby, Prince William, about 5:45 this morning.

“Things are progressing as normal,” a Palace spokesman says.

Assuming that the wee one arrives healthy, with two eyes, 10 toes and 10 fingers, he or she will instantly wield power on the international stage. Paparazzi will vie for the most adorable shot, the clearest close-up, eventually the most tempestuous tantrum. No luxury will be out of reach, but as a member of the modern monarchy he or she will live “less like Marie Antoinette and more like Madonna’s kids.”