THE FIRST OF MANY

Elizabeth Taylor’s ‘Virgin’ Wedding Gown To Be Sold At Auction

By Elizabeth C.

IF YOU HAVE AN EXTRA $80,000 TO spare and aren’t superstitious, consider acquiring the first of eight weddding dresses adorned by Elizabeth Taylor.

The satin gown detailed with tiny seed pearls was worn by the iconic Hollywood beauty when she married hotel heir Conrad Hilton in 1950. More than six decades later, the Helen Rose designed gown will be auctioned off by Christie’s in London June 26.

THE FAIREST OF ALL

Amanda Bynes’s Ugly Twitter Rants Reveal Obsession With Beauty

By Miz J

HERE’S SOME LINKBAIT FOR the ages: Courtney Love went ahead and offered up sage wisdom to troubled former starlet Amanda Bynes.

By now you’re well aware of Bynes’s recent antics: the Twitter rants and rambles, the wigged-out court appearances, the alleged bong tossing, the X-rated shoutouts to Drake…the list goes on, culiminating in today’s news that her parents fear she’s schizophrenic.

Following Bynes’s May 23rd arrest, the Hole singer tweeted, “@AmandaBynes pull it together dude,” which prompted a full-scale Twitter tantrum from the once-was actress: “Courtney Love is the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. To be mentioned by her at all makes me and all my friends laugh!”

WHACK WEDNESDAY

Kaput: Michelle Bachmann Won’t Run, Nike Dumps Livestrong & Miley & Liam Are Cooked

By Miz J

FACING AN ETHICS PROBE INTO HER EPIC FAIL OF A 2012 Presidential campaign, Michelle “Batshit” Bachmann says she won’t seek reelection to the U.S. House.

A GULLIBLE’S TALE

Animal Planet’s ‘New Evidence’ Of Mermaids Is All Wet, Say Skeptics

By Elizabeth C.

THE BAD PUNS WRITE THEMSELVES IN THIS FISHY MERMAID TALE.

In an effort to one-up itself over last year’s ratings blockbuster, Mermaids: The Body Found, Animal Planet sinks to new lows in a new episode claiming “evidence” that mermaids actually exist. But the scheme works
swimmingly, netting the network a record 3.6 million viewers, Variety reports.

Mermaids: The New Evidence, includes video of American hikers in Israel spotting a scaly humanoid lounging on rocks near a sea. Alarmed after being spotted, the hybrid creature slips back into the water. But…wait! Did our eyes deceive us?

AUSPICIOUS ARRIVAL

YouTube

By Elizabeth C.

A TINY CHINESE INFANT RESCUED FROM A TOILET PIPE is healthy despite his ordeal and ready to be released from the hospital.

The 5-pound boy had to be cut free from a toilet pipe he fell in after his unwed mother reported she “unexpectedly” gave birth in a squat toilet, Sky News reports. The 22-year-old mother telephoned her landlord saying she heard “weird noises” down the pipe. The incident was originally considered a crime but investigators were considering revising that assumption after the mother admitted she delivered the baby and stayed at the scene.

“The woman was on the scene during the entire rescue process … and admitted (she was the mother) when we asked her,” an unnamed police official told Sky News. “”We need further investigations to find out if she had any malicious intentions.”

THE BETTER HALF

Mad Men: Always Just Out Of Reach

By Miz J

THIS WEEK’S MADNESS BEGINS WITH Don and Ted arguing about the luxury level of butter-slash-margarine. It’s as exciting as you think. Peggy is called in to act as a tiebreaker in this pissing match, and she’s clearly uncomfortable, which Don picks up on, and Draper folds out of pity.

Pete and Harry are left behind after Don and Ted put their dicks away, and Harry reveals that it’s best not to get involved — and besides, when things settle down, he tells Pete delusionally, he’ll be a partner. Pete, as insecure as he’s been lately, believes him, which you can see by the shaken look on his WASP-y face. The news practically ruffles his perfect side part and everything. On Harry’s advice, Pete sees a headhunter — the very same one that hooked up Bert Peterson at McCann. He gives Pete some advice: manage your family or you’ll never manage anything.

PROVOCATEUR

Credit: AFP

Accused Molester Roman Polanski Rues ‘Masculining Effect’ Of Birth Control On Women

By Elizabeth C.

CONVICTED CHILD SEX OFFENDER ROMAN POLANSKI lamented at the Cannes Film Festival that the birth control has had a “masculinizing effect” on women, and skewered sexual equality as “idiotic.”

Polanski, 79, made the provocative statements to a reporter who asked him at the film festival how his views of women had changed over the years. The director was there to debut his latest film, Venus In Fur, described as a cinematic “battle of the sexes.”

“I think that now offering flowers to a lady becomes indecent, that’s how I feel about it,” he said at a news conference following the screening of his film.

FRESH

Watch Will Smith & Alfonso Ribeiro’s Epic ‘Fresh Prince’ Reunion On Graham Norton Show

By Elizabeth C.

WILL SMITH GIFTED GRAHAM NORTON WITH AN EPIC “television moment” that’ll make you forgive him for his alleged Scientology, open marriage — and thrusting his progeny on the public.

While visiting the British talker’s show to promote his new movie, After Earth, the superstar proved once again why he’s one of Hollywood’s most likeable leading men. After schmoozing on the couch for a bit, the former Fresh Prince of Bel Air did an annoying rap with his 15-year-old son, Jaden, backed by his former bandmate, DJ Jazzy Jeff.

But hold on to get to the good stuff! Smith then brings out Fresh Prince cousin Alfonso Ribeiro to do his signature “Carlton Dance” from the 90s show, followed by a hilarious fresh rendition of their Jump On It performance.

BITCHES & WHEELS

Real Housewives of Orange County: I Will Cut You Like Bad Bangs, Bitch

By Karen Malmquist

IF THERE IS ONE THING A REAL HOUSEWIFE LOVES, IT’S insisting she’s more than just a reality star. On Monday’s Real Housewives of Orange County, Heather lands an acting opportunity pretty much playing herself on Hot in Cleveland. Sure, it’s no Parks & Recreation, but at least it’s a show that has been on the air longer than any of the sitcoms she starred on in the late nineties.

Heather has makes it seem as though she resents Terry and the kids for forcing her to put her acting career on hold in order to “service” them, so hopefully breathing the same air as living legend Betty White will get her to calm down a bit. She says she doesn’t need to worry about her “issues” with Terry right now, and she just needs him to step up and take care of things while she’s in the next couple towns over doing the show.

LAUGHTER FIRST

The Laughs Are Primary At Music Box’s Screening Of Iconic ‘Safety Last’

By Elizabeth C.

SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER are probably still ringing in the ears of moviegoers who screened a special showing of the silent classic Safety Last Saturday at the Music Box Theater.

Roger Ebert’s favorite Chicago movie house is hosting a limited engagement of the uproariously funny 1923 comedy starring Harold Lloyd as a striving sales clerk determined to impress his girl.

The showing is part of a limited engagement release of the movie’s digital restoration for its 90th anniversary. Saturday night’s screening was preceded by live music by the West End Jazz Band, several vaudeville acts, as was accompanied by oganist Dennis Scott — in all, a fantastically produced night of entertainment.