A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

Credit: MTV

KE$ha’s Crazy Beautiful Life: The Hunt For Bearded Booty

By Jacob Wittich

KE$HA’S CRAZY BEAUTIFUL LIFE picks up right before Glastonbury Festival where the star is set to perform. A series of very unfortunate events, however, leaves her stressed out and scared she won’t be able to pull the show off.

Just one day before the festival, K$ wakes up to find that she has completely lost her voice. Ordered not to talk, Ke$ha reveals her fears by scribbling her thoughts on a pad of paper.

When the next day arrives, she wakes up her voice to discover her voice is back, but she keeps talking to a minimum in advance of the show. She explains that she had a dream that she was at Glastonbury ready to perform and when she opened her mouth, her voice was completely gone.

THAT’S WHACK

5-Year-Old Kills With ‘Kid’ Rifle, A Cockeyed Popeye’s Statue Plan & Baseball History Takes A Hit

By Miz J

OKAY, LET’S START WITH THIS SICKENING STORY out of Kentucky (OF COURSE), where a 5-year-old boy shot and killed his 2-year-old sister while playing with his .22 caliber rifle “designed for kids.”

While the discussion heats up around the nation about gun control, let’s take a moment to review the basics of gun ownership, folks. First, never give your kids guns. We thought this was a no-brainer, but apparently some people need a refresher. Second, never leave your gun laying around in a corner of your house like a goddamned broom. Third, don’t leave fucking shells in the fucking chamber. THIS IS WHY THEY MAKE YOU GET A GUN LICENSE, and it’s why everyone wants tighter restrictions on those licenses. If there were, perhaps this girl’s life wouldn’t have been cut so tragically short.

BRACE FOR THE ‘GLASSHOLES’

Banksy composite

The Stark View Vs. ‘Magical’ Thinking About Google Glass

By Elizabeth C.

THE EARLIEST REVIEWS OF GOOGLE GLASS ARE DRIBBLING OUT AND SO FAR HERE’S WHAT EARLY ADOPTERS TELL US WHAT WE CAN EXPECT:

• More ‘selfies’ like the photo posted by “tech evangelist” Robert Scoble in the shower;
• The goofy Star Trek-looking goggles becoming white men’s fashion de rigueur by 2014;
• The evolution of a “new norm” for turning our computer glasses off while taking a dump;
• Lots and lots and lots of histrionic praise and “magical” thinking from Google sycophantic fanboys. Gushes Scoble on Google+: “I will never live a day of my life from now on without it (or a competitor). It’s that significant.”
• The most pervasive invasion of privacy yet, with the potential to “unleash” the “Swiss Army surveillance kit for sociopaths”.