SPREADING THE WEALTH

Angelina Jolie Launches Jewelry Line To Underwrite Schools For Children Of Conflict

ANGELINA JOLIE IS PUTTING HER MONEY WHERE HER MOUTH IS AND financing a school for girls in Afghanistan.

The Maleficent actress and part-time good deed doer is launching a jewelry line from which all proceeds will go The Education Partnership for Children of Conflict. The partnership will fund the girls’ school located outside the Afghan capital of Kabul where up to 300 girls are currently enrolled, as well as go toward building more schools for children in impoverished and war-torn areas, according to Us Weekly.

UPDATE FOR GRANDMA

Real Housewives Of Orange County: Out With The Old Face, In With The New

By Trisha B.

AS I SIT HERE EASTER MONDAY, tummy hurting from too many jelly beans and purple Peeps, Bravo flashes through the previous Orange County season. The bullying of Alexis; the changing of Heather’s name; the renewed love between Gretchen and Tamra; the existence of Slade Smiley; the ooze of Vicki’s Brooks; and Brianna’s surprise marriage and pregnancy.
And, damnit, Alexis came back.

In Coto de Caza, Vicki is still in her huge house. She’s imploring her assistant, Brittany, to help her move furniture. Everyone’s moved out but Briana and Ryan are moving in so she can help with the new baby and be there when Ryan gets deployed again. And she’s definitely had some work done on her face. As they slide a couch down a long hallway they pause at a window and each takes a quick sip of wine from glasses I guess were left on the sill for just that purpose. So O.C.

WHO YOU CALLING A LIAR?

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Shock & Schadenfreude

By Karen Malmquist

A BLACKOUT IN AMSTERDAM, A POOP-STAINED PILLOW, AND THE First Dog of the United States (suck it, Bo Obama!) are staples on Monday’s conclusion of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion. Without Adrienne Maloof in the room, the ladies manage to be more civil with each other than usual, but not without shedding a few tears.

Kim and Kyle are still trying to convince Lisa that Yolanda was talking behind her back in Paris. They’re shocked when Lisa says she doesn’t believe her claims. Lisa says that right now she’s having trouble trusting Kyle, but that she trusts everyone else in the room. Kyle says it’s now in Lisa’s hands, and Andy says he hopes there are happier times ahead for the former BFFs. The brunettes need to stick together!

THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

David Stockman Will Convince You America Is Doomed (Thanks Politicians!)

By Elizabeth C.

WE’RE INTERRUPTING THE FUN AND GAMES TO POINT OUT THAT Americans are doomed to suffer an inexorably painful crawl into decline.

Exhibit No. A: Former Reagan aide David A. Stockman’s deconstruction of the nation’s impending financial doomsday in an unblinking OpEd piece published in Sunday’s The New York Times.

TIME’S UP?

Barbara Walters Returns ABC’s Secret Salvo: ‘Here I Am’

By Elizabeth C.

BARBARA WALTERS DELIVERED A MESSAGE TO ANONYMOUS ABC EXECUTIVES who leaked rumors last week that the television icon would retire next year: You’re going to have drag her cold hard body away from her desk.

Walters opened The View this morning with this announcement: “There were many reports last week saying that I was retiring from ABC and there was an assumption that I would be making an an announcement today,” Walters said. “The paparazzi were outside my home today… However, here I am, and I have no announcement to make.”

SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL

Teens Maraud Flashmob-Style On Chicago’s Magnificent Mile

By Staff

TWENTY-EIGHT TEENAGERS WERE popped Saturday night in downtown Chicago after attacking pedestrians on CTA trains and along the city’s major shopping artery known as the ”Magnificent Mile.”

“I’ve never been scared like this before,” one 27-year-old woman told the Chicago Tribune. “We were just minding our own business. … It was really, really violent.”

OFFENDED BY PORSHA’S GLAMOUR

Real Housewives Of Atlanta: The Color Ratchet

By Karen Malmquist

THE WIGS, WHIPS AND SPARKS ARE A-FLYING as Kenya throws a costume ball, but it wouldn’t be a Housewives party without some serious shade cast over the event.

Kenya meets with local party planners to work on her gala celebrating black women in film. She wants to add some production to it, with people acting famous scenes from movies like Coming to America and The Color Purple.

Kandi and Phaedra go to a self-defense class, and Phaedra whips out her own stun gun prototype for some practice. Like Kandi, she has also entered the adult buzzing toy business. She’s appropriately calling it “Phaedra Sparks,” and the instructors show them how to use them the right way. Well, it wasn’t the guys’ plan to get shocked themselves, but Kandi can’t help it and gives them a buzz. Looks like it works!

CARNIES ON ICE

Cold Calamity Strikes Berlin Flea Circus, But The Show Goes On

A TINY CALAMITY HAS TEMPORARILY DERAILED THE BERLIN FLEA CIRCUS after the entire troupe of 300 fleas froze to death.

Flea circus director Robert Birk reports that his performing fleas were found dead inside their “transport box” last week after a cold snap in Germany last week.

ISN’T IT IRONIC

The Whiff Of Double Entrendre Inside “Google Nose”

By Elizabeth C.

OUR INTERNET OVERLORD WINKS TWICE WITH ITS APRIL FOOL’S JOKE about the unveiling of a new product, Google Nose.

The faux product (it’s only a matter of time, really) depicts the usual wholesomely bland Google spokespersons delivering a message in their patentable soothing and self-assured tones.

“Photo auditorio factory sensory convergence is a phenomena that has been promised in science fiction for decades,” says a bearded engineer named “Doug Smith.”

HOT FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME

Leaked Lollapalooza Lineup: The Cure, Mumford & Sons, The Killers, Vampire Weekend & More

By Jacob Wittich

A LEAKED POSTER FOR THE 20113 LOLLAPALOOZA LINEUP CONFIRMS THIS YEAR’S PARTY is full of diversity. Lollapalooza 2013 will feature artists from a variety of genres that should appeal to all Lolla-goers, young and old.

The Cure, Mumford & Sons, The Killers and Nine Inch Nails are listed at the top as headliners, joined by other big acts such as Phoenix, Vampire Weekend, Queens of the Stone Age and Kendrick Lamar.