SEASON 3, EPISODE 18

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: What The Steamy Pot Calls The Poisonous Kettle

By Karen Malmquist

oN THE SCALE FROM ONE TO FAYE RESNICK, how desperate is Marisa Zanuck to be an official part of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? On Monday’s new episode, she’s back with the help of Faye ‘She Who is Morally Corrupt’ Arsenic, and they’re teaming up to take down Brandi and force themselves to get more screen time, and at a wedding anniversary party of all places.

Lisa is having mixed feelings about renewing her vows with Ken. She loves him so much, and if it’s important to him in this big anniversary celebration, she’ll do it for him. But she’s always wary about giant, public proclamations of love, because she knows she and Ken are so secure in their marriage. However, the fact that he wants to honor their big day with all of their kids and new friends is very sweet to Lisa. Awww!

THIRD DEGREE BURN

Selena Gomez Snarks On Late Show About Making Justin Bieber ‘Cry’

By Elizabeth C.

EWWWW, BURN!Selena Gomez showed up at David Letterman’s shop looking hot and sexy as a propos a young starlet promoting her spicy role in the upcoming Spring Breakers. And while there Dave naturally turned the conversation toward her breakup with Justin Bieber.

“Now I remember last time you were here you were with a Justin Bieber,” Letterman said.

“I was with a Justin Bieber,” the former Disney star corrected?

“Yeah, you were with a Justin Bieber. And that’s not going on now,” Dave commented.

“No, I’m single. I’m so good,” Selena answered.

STARTING OVER

It’s Official: Tiger Woods & Lindsay Vonn Are Dating

By Elizabeth C.

HE’S BEEN SMILING MORE AND HE’S BEEN WINNING MORE, AND NOW Tiger Woods lets us in on his happy secret: he and Olympic Gold medalist Lindsay Vonn are taking a stab at being a couple.

The man who upended his life and his career in his chase for the magic pussy has released a statement on Facebook acknowledging what the tabloids have been reporting for about two months now: that he and Vonn’s relationship has developed beyond friendship.

QUEEN B**CH

Beyoncé Demands Us All To Bow Down

By Jacob Wittich

WHO RUNS THE WORLD? Beyoncé. Now bow down, b***hes.

The Bey Hive buzzed with excitement when the Queen Bey surprised the world by dropping a new song on her Tumblr yesterday.

Bow Down / I Been On features the same aggressive style fans are familiar with from her previous works like Diva and Run the World (Girls)” yet contains an urban element not always present in Beyoncé’s music.

Sings Bey: I took some time to live my life, but don’t think I’m just his little wife. Don’t get it twisted, get it twisted, this my sh-t, bow down, b***hes,” Beyoncé sings aggressively over the up-tempo high-pitched track.

SHAKING UP CONTROVERSY

Now Even ‘Harlem Shake’ Is Potential Terrorist Weapon

By Elizabeth C.

COULD THE HARLEM SHAKE BE USED AS A DECOY FOR TERRORISTS? THAT’S THE farfetched notion being pitched by critics of Colorado College Wasabi Ultimate frisbee team which gyrated to the Billboard No. 1 hit during a flight in mid February.

With permission from the flight crew, Colorado College students staged a Harlem shake party as they flew to a tournament in San Diego. The result was a collusion of jerky dance moves 30,000 feet off the ground.

TORTURING US WITH SUSPENSE

Emma Watson Will Not Indulge Your Spanking Fantasies, Thank You Very Much

By Elizabeth C.

BREAKING HEARTS OF S&M AFFICIANADOS WORLDWIDE, EMMA WATSON denies that she’s been signed to star as Anastasia Steele in the big-screen adaptation of 50 Shades Of Grey.

“Who here actually thinks I would do ’50 Shades of Grey as a movie?'” The Harry Potter star tweeted over the weekend. “Like really. For real. In real life.”

Like, for real, it did sound plausible when Anonymous leaked documents indicating that the 22-year-old star would portray the “submissive” Anastasia Steele, described in the series as a college student with “a small frame and a delicate profile, upturned nose, and soft full lips.”

HE’S JUST NOT INTO YOU

Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Gay Dipsticks & Chocolate Playgrounds

By Karen Malmquist

JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT THINK THINK THE CRAZY WAS leavING Kenya Moore’s body, it comes twirling back in full force, like a tornado in fabulous shoes.

The ladies are back from Vegas, and while Porsha is unpacking, she asks Kordell to find her makeup bag in one of her suitcases. He finds the unopened pregnancy test Kandi gave her and, like the ladies in Vegas, urges her to take it. He reads the instructions, and Porsha takes the “wait two minutes after peeing” as “pee for two whole minutes.” She just doesn’t get it at all. A person who can go for that long either needs a trophy or a surgeon. Kordell explains it to her again, and then Porsha takes the test. It’s negative. Looking upset, she asks him how he would’ve felt if it were positive, and he just says “fine.”

LOCKED IN?

Your Erotic Fantasy Come True? Anonymous Claims Emma Watson Cast In 50 Shades

By Alex Stedman

COULD EMMA WATSON GO FROM INNOCENT HERMIONE GRANGER to Christian Grey’s bondage buddy Anastasia Steele?

Rumors that the British actress has been cast in the racy role in the Focus Features movie adaptation of E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey have been floating around since September. But now Internet hacker group Anonymous supposedly cracked the case once and for all. As announced on their twitter, the group hacked into the internal server of German studio Constanin Films and released documents that said Watson’s landed the role. A letter included in the documents and internal emails seemed to confirm it.

CREEPTASTIC

Dr. Frankenstein Is Real & Spectacular: Liver Kept Alive Outside Of Human Body

By Elizabeth C.

IN AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT BOTH INSPIRES AND CREEPS, DOCTORS AT THE University Of Oxford say they have kept a liver outside the human body, a development that could save save thousands more lives annually while inspiring thoughts of Frankenstein.

The liver was “kept alive, warm and functioning outside a human being on a newly-developed machine and then successfully transplanted into patients in a medical world first,” Reuters reports.

WTF

Latest Bizarre North Korea Propaganda Show Americans Drinking Cups Of Snow & Living In Tents

By Elizabeth C.

BEWARE BECAUSE THIS COULD BE THE LONGEST 4:31 MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE.

The above video alleged to be the latest propaganda film from the Hermit Kingdom depicts a bleak America, with citizens “drinking coffee made from snow and living in tents and buying guns to kill each other, especially children.”

As maudlin music swells in the background, the video’s narrator drones on depicting life in “modern day America” as a hellish purgatory where the population subsides on handouts from the government and eat birds from the trees. After watching it several times, we can’t help wonder if the DPRK propagandists aren’t trying to lull its own dire citizens satisfied with heated snow and scraps. Maybe we should call Dennis Rodman and get his comment?

Update: As you’re watching, remember this: You’re only being slightly punk’d.