PARTY OF ONE

Watch Miley Cyrus Wop In A Horse Onesie

By Elizabeth C.

MILEY PROVES HER BONAFIDES AS PURE PARTY STARTER IN her unitard wiggling performance uploaded to Facebook. Is it a welcome home party of one for Liam?

Just a day after she tweeted a photo of herself wearing her engagement ring from Liam Hemsworth, the Party In The USA singer released a video of her wiggling and striking a pose to J Dash and Flo Rida’s dance WOP. But wait — was there a line edited in for her? The recording sounds like it starts with the phrase “been away too long” — words which ain’t a part of the regular published lyrics. I don’t think I’ve ever liked her better.

SAY IT ISN’T SO

Ryan Gosling Breaks Hearts By Planning Break From Acting

By Elizabeth C.

A SAD MIX-UP HAS OCCURRED in letters sent from La La Land’s Office Of The Overexposed: Ryan Gosling mistakenly intercepted a communiqué intended for Beyonce.

America’s first democratically elected “Sexiest Man Alive” has announced that he’s taking a break from acting because he wants a “break” from himself.

“’ve been doing [acting] too much,’ the Gangster Squad actor told the Associated Press.

CONSPIRACY ON TRIAL

Wannabe Rapper Faces Trial For Trying To ‘Sacrifice’ Friend To Join Illuminati

By Elizabeth C.

WENTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WAFEEQ SABIR EL-AMIN WAS OBSESSED WITH the gritty glamour of Hip Hop’s most famous playas, and he believed that in order to join their ranks he’d have to pay with his soul.

El-Amin believed that he’d have to ‘sacrifice’ a friend to be accepted by the so-called secret cult known as the Illuminati and ultimately achieve success as a rapper. So while he was high on pot last Dec. 26m he stood over a friend, declared aloud ‘you are my sacrifice,’ then pulled the trigger on a gun.

CHARGED BY ‘ HUNG’ JURY

Jon Hamm’s Commando Penis Put Under House Arrest On Mad Men Set

By Elizabeth C.

JON HAMM’S PENIS IS GETTING A RISE OUT OF THE MAD MEN CREW.

Hamm’s hammer is legendary among bloggers for its swaggering ways. Mr. Penis is always insisting on going commando — on paparazzi, during walks in the city — and now most disturbing among the Mad Men cast.

WHACK WEDNESDAY

Lululemon’s Exposed, College Deters Boozing & The Ice Cream Man’s Freeze-Out

By Miz J

ATTENTION, DUDES & DUDETTES: PREPARE FOR A shortage of black yoga pants. Lululemon, the primary maker of the pants you love to stare at, is gearing up for a lawsuit war with its Taiwanese supplier, who the yoga chain claims made the most recent supply of pants see-through. But don’t bother running to eBay to see if you can buy a dozen or two pairs for the lady in your life (or sitting in front of you in Psych 101). Chances are good that the pants aren’t readily available, as Lululemon keeps supplies scarce to create more demand for their products. Namaste.

MEATBALL MANIA REDUX

Snooki & JWoww: Guidettes Gone Wild

By Karen Malmquist

MEATBALL POWER! The last time we saw Snooki back in her original form, Amanda Bynes still hadn’t crashed her first car, Gangnam Style wasn’t a thing, and we hadn’t picked a Republican Presidential candidate yet. So her meatball reunion on Tuesday’s new episode of Snooki & J-Woww was VERY long overdue.

Jionni is planning his bachelor party while Nicole and Lorenzo snuggle on the couch. Nicole’s only rule for him is that he needs to be home by 3am. He calls up all of his friends to invite them out, and based on the names of all his friends, he’s tight with the Sopranos.

SHE ANSWERS TO KING KANYE

All Signs Point To Trouble: Is Kim Kardashian Under Kanye’s Thumb?

By Elizabeth C.

SNIFF SNIFF, IS ANYBODY ELSE starting to feel sorry for Kim Kardashian?

The buxom plasticizied star who found fame from a sex tape is now knocked up with Kanye’s kid. Which by itself doesn’t sound so bad. Kim’s got back and Kanye’s got the bills, so together they’ve got the full package, right?

Except, as Kim grows wider every day, new stories emerge that having Yeezy’s baby sound like a total drag.

The latest buzz is that Kanye is considering the name “North” for his tyke because it sounds good with his last name, if by good you mean halfway between north and west on a compass.

NEXT CHAPTER

Malala Yousafzai Goes Back To School

By Elizabeth C.

WE INTERRUPT THE SNARK TO joyously announce that Malala Yousafzai has returned to school — this time inside the safe confines of a British school.

The inspiring Pakistani girl was shot in the head on a school bus last October by a member of the Taliban intent on punishing her for supporting education for girls. She was flown to England to received medical care for her injuries and has remained there following her recovery. Today she returned to her studies as a ninth grader at the Edgbaston High School for Girlsin Birmingham, England.

“I am excited that today I have achieved my dream of going back to school,” the 15-year-old told reporters.

WHAT’S IN YOUR PURSE?

Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Journeys’ Ad For Louis Vuitton

By Elizabeth C.

AT LAST, DANIEL PIANETTI GIVES ME REASON TO NOTE LINDSAY LOHAN’S LATEST FORAY INTO FOLLY.

Here’s Pianetti turning Lilo’s vacant stare inside a Los Angeles courtroom yesterday into a “Journeys” ad for Louis Vuitton.

FUTURE LOOKING

Farsighted? Justin Timberlake Confirms Followup to 20/20 Experience Arrives November

By Jacob Wittich

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CONFIRMS RUMORS that he plans to release a second part of his new album, The 20/20 Experience, which makes ya wonder if maybe he didn’t have perfect vision after all?

“I need to clear up a rumor,” The Hollywood Reporter quotes JT at his album release party last night. “This whole thing about this being the first half of the album is true.”