SCHOOLED IN CONTROL

Ari Emanuel Lobs Legal Letter Over Rock Center Interview

By Elizabeth C.

LEGENDARY HOLLYWOOD SUPER AGENT AND REPUTED BULLY ARI EMANUEL reportedly was peeved by NBC’s Brian Williams’s line of questioning during a Rock Center segment that aired Friday.

The segment, featuring the three Emanuel brothers Rahm, Ari and bioethicist Ezekiel, seemed benign enough with the three highly accomplished siblings jocularly sparring with each other and Williams. The televised tete a tete was to promote Ezekiel’s new book, Brothers Emanuel: A Memoir of an American Family. Williams called them the “Jewish Kennedys.”

It was not their American experiences — but rather their ties to Israel among other topics — that allegedly ticked Ari off, compelling him to shoot off a “legal letter” to NBC complaining about William’s interrogation, according to the New York Post and The Hollywood Reporter.

DUH

Researcher: Rich More Likely To Be ”Assholes”

“ONE OF THE MOST SURPRISING, AND perhaps confounding, facts of charity in America is that the people who can least afford to give are the ones who donate the greatest percentage of their income. In 2001, The wealthiest Americans — those with earnings in the top 20 percent—contributed on average 1.3 percent of their income to charity. By comparison, Americans at the base of the income pyramid—those in the bottom 20 percent—donated 3.2 percent of their income.”

So reports The Atlantic in a piece entitled, “Why the Rich Don’t Give to Charity.”

THE NEW NORMAL

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Jessica Rabbit Vs. Spongebob Squarepants

By Karen Malmquist

F ORGET MARCH MADNESS! The Battle of the Booty rages on with Sunday’s new Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Kandi’s housewarming gets off to an uneventful start until Kenya notices that Walter’s there. She flips out, calls him a stalker, and twirls her booty out of there after demanding to know where the back exit of the house is. Because, you know, she didn’t bring he security team with her.

STRIKING A POSE

Reasons For Rihanna Being Late: Traffic, Celebrity, BPT

By Elizabeth C.

WE CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE A CONFLUENCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES that caused Rihanna to be four and a half hours late Friday to a “Thank you” suburban Chicago high school rally.

RiRi was due at Barrington High School at 1pm to thank the popular kids for their winning entry in the singer’s Shine Bright Like A Diamond video contest, which highlighted how the town’s Buffys and Biffs’ collective wealth contributed to its extraordinary community service. The superstar performed Friday night at Chicago’s United Center.

But there were literal and figurative obstacles that caused RiRi to have to push back her appointment to 2pm — and then to finally roll in about 5:30pm.

THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

Amanda Bynes Wants Drake To ‘Murder’ Her Vagina

By Jacob Wittich

SOMEBODY GROUND AMANDA BYNES FROM her cell phone and computer; she’s acting a mess on Twitter.

On Thursday she sent a dirty love note to Drake on Twitter.

I want @drake to murder my vagina

— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) March 22, 2013

REINVENTING THE CONDOM

Bill Gates Will Pay You $100K To Build A Better Condom

By Elizabeth C.

BILL GATES HAS BEEN HAILED AS MANY THINGS: INVENTOR, PHILANTHROPIST, CAPITALIST, college dropout, dick.

Not only has he been accused of general dick-like behavior, but the bazillionaire has also been phallus model for one of the world’s best antivirus protectors: the condom. The sheath that performs even better than Norton or MacAfee at staving off bugs.

‘SAVING GRACE’

Grieving Soldier Emotionally Saved By Cat Returns The Favor

By Elizabeth C.

“SOMETIMES IT’S THE SMALLEST THINGS THAT BRING YOU BACK,” U.S. Staff Sgt. Jesse Knotts mused to CNN. For him that small thing was a furry tabby kitten who jumped in his lap as he cried for two friends killed by a suicide bomber.

REVISING HIS BRAND FOR A BIGGER TENT

Spreading The Gospel Of Born-Again Christian & Father Perez Hilton

By Elizabeth C.

BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN PEREZ HILTON is celebrated in a Los Angeles Times feature that evangelizes the Hollywood blogger’s message: He really and truly — pinky swear on the Bible — is now “kinder and gentler.”

Gone are the infamous sperm doodles on celebrities’ faces, the shocking pink hair, the fat rolls hugging his middle.

Outing gay celebrities? That’s so 2008. Calling starlets fat and ugly? Circa 2010.

Now Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr. is all about being “sassy” and “fun” while fathering his newborn son (God help him), birthed with the help of a purchased egg and surrogate mom.

WTF

Feast Your Eyes On This Monstrous Sheepshead Fish

By Elizabeth C.

‘DINNER TONIGHT,’ COMMENTS A FISHERMAN WHO CAUGHT A SHEEPSHEAD, otherwise known as the Archosargus probatocephalus, a fish with HUMAN TEETH.

Our question: who’s the dinner?

The North American species spans the East Coast from Cape Cod all the way south to Brazil, and has human-like incisors and molars.

MEOW

‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ Understudy Gets Canned For Catty Behavior

By Elizabeth C.

SCANDALOUS NEWS! The understudy in a major Broadway show has been fired for being catty. And we mean that literally this time.

Montie, a black and white domestic short-haired who landed a backup role in the production of Breakfast At Tiffany’s, has been summarily dumped for being difficult and just generally not following direction. You know, typical catty behavior. “Poor Montie’s been dismissed, and they’re scrambling to have his head shot and bio replaced in the Playbill,” a spy spilled to the New York Post.