‘ITCH TO THE LEFT’

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Crunk In The Hollywood Hills

By Karen Malmquist

THERE’S BEING TARDY FOR THE PARTY, AND then there’s being so late that the party’s over before you even arrive. On Sunday’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the ladies manage to miss a party thrown in their honor, but somehow negotiate for a cheese plate. Don’t say they aren’t good businesswomen.

NeNe and Gregg have finally settled into their LA home, so they decide to invite the girls to come visit before they head to Vegas together. NeNe seems to think there will be no drama on the trip, because Kenya and Phaedra will stay away from each other. Honey, if that was the case, this trip wouldn’t have made it onto the show.

DON’T GO BREAKING HIS HEART

Credit: Michael Kovac/ Getty Images

Elton John Extends A Forgiving Hand To Chris Brown

By Jacob Wittich

REMEBER WHEN CHRIS BROWN AND his crew jumped Frank Ocean and an anti-gay slur was reportedly thrown at Ocean? Well fast-forward a few weeks and now the rumored homophobic Brown is posing with the openly gay Elton John for a few Instagram shots.

The musicians mingled at Elton’s annual AIDS Foundation Ball after the 2013 Oscars, unveiling the two stars’ close friendship. Chris even suggested that Elton helped him to get through some of the frenzy following the infamous 2009 assault on Rihanna.

“I met Elton about a year ago,” Brown told the New York Post, “and he’s been a good friend to me.”

FOR THE RECORD

Bradley Manning’s Statement: Soldier Explains Data Dump To WikiLeaks

By Elizabeth C.
THE FOLLOWING IS THE COMPLETE STATEMENT THAT Army Pfc. Bradley Manning read aloud at Thursday’s pretrial hearing held at Fort Meade, Md. The transcript was taken by journalist Alexa O’Brien.

Manning pleaded guilty to 10 charges, not guilty to 12 others including “aiding the enemy,” and awaits a military court-martial in June related to a massive data dump onto the whistleblowing journalism site, WikiLeaks. Manning was arrested in May 2010 after he revealed his actions to convicted hacker Adrian Lamo during online web chats. Lamo, renown for his love of the limelight, notified the FBI. Among the materials Manning shared with WikiLeaks was disturbing footage of a U.S. Apache crew gunning down Iraqi citizens and two Reuters journalists.

BIRTHDAY BOY

Justin Bieber Pulls All-Nighter To Launch 19th Birthday

By Elizabeth C.

TODAY’S JUSTIN BIEBER’S 19TH BIRTHDAY, WHICH MAKES us want to pinch his cheeks and pull up his pants. Following his last show as an 18-year-older in Birmingham, England, last night, paps caught the Biebs returning to his London hotel shirtless, buff and saggy-bottomed. Once changed and freshened, the Baby singer headed out to the after-hours club, BLC, to get a jump on celebrating. He was surrounded by a bevy of beliebers, including alleged new girfriend, aspiring singer/model Ella-Paige Roberts-Clarke. The partygoers wrapped the night about 6:30am after hitting up a Lebanese eatery for kabobs.

MYSTERIOUS POISONING

Autopsy Confirms Chicago Lottery Winner Was Murdered With Cyanide

By Elizabeth C.

IT’S OFFICIAL: AUTOPSY RESULTS confirm that 46-year-old Urooj Khan died from cyanide poisoning, NBCChicago reports. “The manner of death is homicide,” Cook County Medical Examiner Stephen Cina told reporters. “There was a lethal amount of cyanice circulating in his blood stream at the time of death.”

Investigators could not determine how the cyanide was delivered but said Khan’s coronary artery indicated signs of poisoning.

Khan died last July, a mere 24 hours after Illinois lottery officials presented him with $425,000 he won in a scratch-off game. The Indian immigrant’s cause of death was originally listed as natural. But family members persuaded the Cook County Medical Examiner’s Office to investigate further, and Khan’s blood and urine tested positive for cyanide.

CLAIMS HE’S DOING IT FOR ‘OTHERS’

Henri Le Chat Abandons Ennui For Friskies

By Elizabeth C.

HENRI LE CHAT est un traître à ennui!

Some philosophical musings for the day, inspired by Henri Le Chat’s new job as spokescat for Friskies and against “cat food boredom.”

Do you surrender your self-identity as existentialist once you shill for a multiconglomerate?

Does not selling equate to striving?

FREAK OF NATURE

Sinkhole Swallows Florida Man Alive

By Elizabeth C.

A SINKHOLE OPENED WIDE AND SWALLOWED WHOLE A SEFFNER, FLA. MAN ASLEEP IN HIS BEDROOM. Authorities fear 36-year-old Jeff Bush is dead. Recue workers were able to pull his brother Jeremy Bush from the expanding maw late Thursday.

“It sounded like a car hit my house,” Janell Wheeler told the Tampa Bay Times. Jeremy Bush then heard his brother’s screams and ran to the bedroom. “When he got there, there was no bedroom left,” Hillsborough County Fire rescue spokeswoman Jessica Damico said. “There was no furniture. All he saw was a piece of the mattress sticking up.”

THE MAGIC OF MAKEUP?

Nicki Minaj Pooh-Poohs Plastic Surgery Rumors — About Her Face

By Jacob Wittich

PSYCHO — DELIC RAPPER NICKI MINAJ IS PUTTING PLASTIC SURGERY RUMORS ON BLAST, though she did leave her bottom out of the conversation.

In an interview with Extra’s Renee Barch, Nicki said, “I’ve never had surgery on my face.” She claims any changes in her facial contours are done through the magic of makeup.

“When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup,” Minaj said while promoting her collaboration with MAC makeup, VIVA Glam.