ANOTHER MOMMY DEAREST

Shirley MacLaine Blasts Daughter’s Tell-All As ‘Opportunistic’ Fiction

By Elizabeth C.

TAKING HER PLACE IN THE PANTHEON OF HOLLYWOOD’S NEGLECTED CHILDREN, Sachi Parker outs actress Shirley Maclaine as a distant self-absorbed mother in a new tell-all released Thursday. And though she stills yearns for an apology, the screen luminary could be on her death bed before she gets it.

“She was very absent. I was very lonely — very lonely. Definitely,” Parker tells 20/20 in an interview that airs tonight. “And I still struggle with abandonment issues and loneliness.”

LOVE IN MY TUMMY

By Elizabeth C.

DAVID BECKHAM IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER OF OOGLING, WOMEN’S BEST REVENGE after being objectified for eons.

THE DOCTOR IS IN

Shrink Labeled Kim Jenner ‘Narcissistic’ & ‘Manipulative'(And Rain Is Wet)

By Elizabeth C.

THIS IS DEEP, YA’LL. AND SO ICKY THAT I’m grimacing as I type: In Touch has gotten hold of Kris Jenner’s past court-ordered mental evaluation and it doesn’t paint a pretty picture of the Kardashian momanager.

The six-page report is chocked full of words like “narcissistic” and “manipulative” and “hystrionic” (sic) and “pleasure-oriented.” And it suggests she suffers from “a Cinderella attitude where situations resulted in everyone living ‘happily ever after.’”

This explain the Kardashian sisters, yes? I’ve wondered how Kimmie K. will manage the bleak realities of old age. Or is she incapable of suffering as long as there’s a mirror she can gaze in? A camera she can use to post on Instagram?

COMEDY WILL SET YOU FREE

Stephen Colbert Stephen Jokes Tom Cruise Hasn’t Aged; Asks Can Scientology Do Same For Him?

By Elizabeth C.

STEPHEN COLBERT EXPLORED THE POWER OF SCIENTOLOGY with author Lawrence Wright who stopped by to promote his new book,Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood and the Prison of Belief. And Colbert had a pressing question: Can the religion-cum-cult do for him what it’s done for Tom Cruise?

“Tom Cruise has not aged,” the comic cracked. “Would it help me? Like if I went to Hollywood and I went to the Celebrity Center and became a Scientologist, would that be good for my career? Can they deliver?”

LET IT SHINE

Credit: Hailey Bartholomew/Sue Bryce

Breast Cancer Model Proves Beauty Is ‘Light In The Heart’

By Elizabeth C.

JILL BRZEZINSKI-CONLEY’s body bears the travesty of beauty that is breast cancer. But her face and her soul belie disease.

Over the next 25 years, about 10.6 million women will die from breast cancer. Brezezinski-Conley, 35, is one of them. Diagnosed four years ago at the age of 31, the disease has since metastasized to her bones.

The cancer has already cost her her breasts. What it has not taken is her smile, her spirit, her zeal for living and loving. And that is the point that Australian photographer Sue Bryce wanted to make when she invited Brezezinski-Conley to Paris for a gorgeous photoshoot in the City of Lights.

HIS OWN WORST ENEMY

Chris Brown’s Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad, Rotten Week

By Jacob Wittich

CHRIS BROWN STILL FINDS HIMSELF PERPETUAL VICTIM in the never-ending sad saga that has followed his 2009 assault on girlfriend Rihanna.

The R&B singer is fighting suspicion that he didn’t actually perform 180 days of community service that he was sentenced to following the assault.

Deputy District Attorney Mary Murray filed a motion Tuesday requesting that the court decline Breezy’s community service hours in Virginia, claiming there is “significant discrepancies indicating at best sloppy documentation and at worst fraudulent reporting.” But Murray didn’t ask the judge find Breezy in violation of his probation.

A NEW PARADIGM

Cat Wins ‘Monopoly’ Of Votes As New Board Game Piece; Iron Gets Flattened

By Elizabeth C.

IN AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT SURPRISES NO ONE WHO PLAYS ON THE INTERNET, THE CAT WINS Hasbro’s online voting to determine Monopoly’s new game piece. (NPR slyly points out that neither Goyte nor bacon cupcakes were options.)

Out is the silly old iron — who uses that appliance anymore? In is the Internet fans’ favorite, the feline.

BITE-SIZED TIPS

Whack Wednesday: Kim’s Stress, Mail-less Saturdays & Beyonce’s ‘Bad’ Pictures

By Miz J

KIM KARDASHIAN’S NOTORIOUS DIVORCE, WHICH SURPRISED NO ONE YET IS MANAGING TO DRAG ON TWICE AS LONG AS THE MARRIAGE, is stressing her out and putting the Kimye baby at risk. According to TMZ, the divorce is “the only significant stress in her life,” which, hey, must be nice. We’re fully in the Humphries camp on this one — and maybe it’s time Kim actually experienced some real-life difficulty before she becomes a parent, eh?

DOMESTICATION BEGINS

Snooki & JWoww: Roughing It

By Karen Malmquist

EATING BEAR BALLS, DIGGING FOR CLAMS, AND BEFRIENDING A WOLF SPIDER: some girls have all the fun.

Last week’s momentous Snooki & J-Woww ended with Nicole asking “now what?” upon taking Lorenzo home. On Thursday’s new episode, it’s time for the “now what?”

Jionni forgets the box of formula the hospital provided for them, so things are off to a great start.

Up in Maine, after Jenni has gotten her eyelashes on, she and Roger head out for some fishing by his family’s nearby lake house. Surely the fish will appreciate the effort she’s put in to look good for them.

Nicole’s feeding Lorenzo, and as he’s sucking on some formula, he poops on Nicole’s leg. Looks like he needs to be changed. She and Jionni try to change his diaper, but it turns out they’ve got it on backwards.

EDGY GLORY

Hummus, Roses & Mannequins With Hairy Pink Muffs: Lady Gaga’s Tour Rider

By Jacob Wittich

ON THE HEELS OF LEARNING THAT LADY GAGA DOES NOT APPROVE OF TUBE TOPS, today brings new revelations about what Mother Monster demanded in her two-and-a-half-year-long Monster Ball Tour:

Hummus, lavender soaps and mannequins with hairy pink muffs, among other things.

The leak comes as Gaga battles a legal claim by her former assistant-cum-BFF-cum-“hoot rat” that the pop star owes her more than 7,000 hours in unpaid overtime. Jennifer O’Neill is seeking $380,000 in back pay.