DATE NIGHT

Snooki & Jwoww: Goodbye Cankles, Hello Old Friend

By Karen Malmquist

GOODBYE, CANKLES, GOODBYE, INTIMACY! Nicole and Jionni are bickering and losing sleep in Tuesday’s new episode of Snooki & JWoww, but it’s nothing a little (or a lot) of wine won’t fix.

Elsewhere, things get heavy with Jenni and Roger when debating whether or not to visit her mother.

Jenni and her dad go out to lunch and talk about the possibility of her introducing Roger to her mom. The only problem is, she hasn’t seen her mom in almost two years, as she’s been living in an assisted living home with a mysterious medical condition. Jenni’s tried to get her to meet Roger before, but she once told her, over speaker phone with Roger in the room, that she had no intention of meeting him.

PUT DOWN THE KOOL-AID, FOLKS

Beyoncé, Blue Ivy & The Magically Disappearing Baby Weight

By Elizabeth C.

THE LIFE OF BEYONCÉ, PRE-EMINENT MISTRESS OF THE UNIVERSE, patriotic lip-syncer, Super Bowl power blaster,
home movie dream weaver, is bordering on parody.

Bey’s soda-cap-deep hagiography Life Is But A Dream has finally aired, and the critics have spoken, and spoken and spoken. And the consensus is: Beyoncé is drowning in self-reverential bunk.

The Bill For Lady Gaga’s Injury: $25 Million In Ticket Sales

By Jacob Wittich

WHEN THE BALL DROPPED ON LADY GAGA’S Born This Way Ball tour, Little Monsters who had yet seen the show were devastated. Now that fans have had time to digest their loss, let’s take a look at the cost of the cancellation.

On February 13, Live Nation pulled the plug on the remaining gigs in Gaga’s North American tour due to the star’s hip injury, which will require surgery and time for rehabilitation.

CARICATURE

Why I Ain’t Got Time For Sweet Brown’s Buffoonery

By KJ Jackson

SWEET BROWN? I AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THAT!

My first thoughts when watching the clip of Sweet Brown: this woman is not real. It was like watching the female version of all the stereotypes Flavor Flave exudes. After the fifth time watching it, I found the young man (who turns out to be her son) walking in the background shaking his head and covering his face and I knew: That’s somebody’s mama out there.

The original news clip of Sweet Brown that swept the nation was hilarious at first, second and third glance. For some reason, a black woman in a colorful head scarf, who pantomimes praise for Jesus, thinks the smoke engulfing her residence is from a barbecue and smiles like a buffoon is a real knee-slapper. That’s what worries me.

AFTERNOON SNACK

Crystal Palace Cheerleaders + Harlem Shake = Poon Posse

By Elizabeth C.

OFFERED FOR YOUR TUESDAY AFTERNOON viewing pleasure: 30 seconds of poon puffery.

MIAMI HEATED

Lil Wayne’s All Star Rant: I Slept with Chris Bosh’s Wife

By Jacob Wittich

LIL WAYNE IS ACTING CRAZY AGAIN! The rapper snapped Sunday night at the NBA All-Star Weekend in Houston.

While hosting LIV on Sundays All Star Weekend edition, Wayne led the audience in a potty-mouthed anti-NBA chant before declaring that he banged Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh’s wife.

FEEDING FLAMES

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Burning Down The House

By Karen Malmquist

WHY IS ADRIENNE MALOOF’S BODY LEAVING UNSIGHTLY STAINS on people’s couches? On Monday’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a mansion catches on fire, Adrienne soils furniture, and Taylor takes off to parts unknown in a plane with a strange man while oblivious to her daughter’s whereabouts. You know, relatable life events.

Kim is throwing a daytime party for the ladies to debut her new nose, and to thank them for being so supportive of her newfound sobriety. Kyle and Faye arrive with Portia and Taylor’s daughter, Kennedy. Taylor’s supposed to come by the party later. However, she calls Kyle and Kim and tells them a bizarre story about how she can’t come to the party because she’s fallen in love in the last 48 hours and she and this guy are taking a helicopter somewhere. While Taylor is talking over Kyle’s speaker, the sisters look at each other in confusion. Kyle asks if it’s okay if Kennedy stays with her and Portia for the weekend while Taylor’s gone, and Taylor asks, “Oh, you have Kennedy?”

INEVITABLE

Free At Last: Mindy McCready Succeeds At Suicide On Fifth Try

By Elizabeth C.

THE FIFTH SUICIDE ATTEMPT WAS THE CHARM FOR COUNTRY SINGER AND HOT MESS MINDY MCCREADY. On Sunday, after decades of drug abuse and legal troubles, the 37-year-old troubled mother killed herself with a gunshot to the head.

The singer’s body was found on the same porch where her boyfriend David Wilson was found dead of a gunshot wound in January. Authorities have not ruled whether his death was due to murder or suicide. McCready entered court-order rehabilitation on Feb. 6 after authorities placed her two sons in foster care; she exited two days later with the promise that she would seek outpatient counseling.

OUT OF BOUNDS

Rihanna Scrapes Knee In London Bottle Attack

By Jacob Wittich

A CRAZED FAN REPORTEDLY SHOUTED something about Chris Brown before throwing a Lucozade bottle at Rihanna while she was leaving UK’S The Box CLUB. The fan was allegedly unhappy about Riri’s reconnection with Brown, still on probation for whacking her around in 2009.

STRANGE HISTORY

Hitler ‘Taste Tester’ Recalls Feasting On Vegetables, Paranoia

By Elizabeth C.

MARGOT WOELK SPENT YEARS DURING WORLD WAR II DINING ON DELECTABLE vegetarian dishes and paranoia.

Woel, now 95, was a “food taster” — one of a dozen women required to sample every platter intended for Hilter inside the “Wolf’s Lair,” the German Führer’s Eastern Front headquarters in what is now Poland.

“Of course I was afraid. If it had been poisoned I would not be here today,” Woel told The Times. “We were forced to eat it, we had no choice.”