JE T’AIME PARIS

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Woe Is Taylor & The Tricks Up Kim’s Sleeves

By Karen Malmquist

AS IF WE WEREN’T ALREADY JELLI OF GIGGY, he’s brought his posse to Paris on Monday’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and along the way, Kim seems to be slipping into her old ways overseas.

Before crossing the Atlantic, Kim visits Kyle to have a serious talk about Taylor. Last week we heard Taylor sounding less than sober while telling Kyle she was getting into a plane with a stranger she’s “in love” with, not knowing where Kennedy was. First, Kim admires the turtle shells hanging on Kyle’s wall. Once that’s out of the way, it’s time to get down to business. She calls Taylor to let her know she’s worried.

DUMB AND DUMBER

The Haters’ Guide To The Oscars

By Elizabeth C.

IF HE JOINS THE GAY MEN’S CHOIR STAT, we’d excuse Seth MacFarlane’s cringe-worthy Oscar jokes as overcompensation. All that was missing from his hackneyed material was the poop jokes. Or did I miss those?

The 85th Academy Awards was a dreary affair punctuated by song. Even crackling performances by Adele, Jennifer Hudson and Catherine Zeta-Jones couldn’t break the stodgy spell. Nor could MacFarlane’s crude if bouncy ode to Mr. Skin’s database, We Saw Your Boobs.

ROYAL IN-WAITING?

Will Cressida Bonas Become The Royals’ Blonde ‘Jointed Doll’ ?

By Elizabeth C.

BLUEBLOOD CRESSIDA BONAS IS PAPPARAZZI’S FLAVOR OF THE MOMENT AS THE BRITISH BEAUTY is in the running to become the Royal Family’s blonde “jointed doll on which certain rags are hung.”

The 24-year-old socialite was rumored to be dating Prince Harry at the time he gave the world a peek of Royal cheek during his now-infamous Las Vegas outing. Since then, we’ve seen neither tight hiney nor gossamer hair of the beauty — until this week when she was snapped on a ski holiday with the hot ginger prince, his uncle Andrew and cousins. The
becoming twosome also allegedly ““kissed like love-struck teenagers in the back of a cinema” at the Pot Luck Club inside Farinet Hotel while celebrating Andrew’s 53rd birthday. ”We couldn’t believe what we were seeing,” a spy told the MailOnline. “They were not being discreet about it.”

BESOTTED

Amber Rose Craves Jack & A Cheesesteak After Baby Bash’s Arrival

By Elizabeth C.

DA REAL AMBER ROSE WASTED NO TIME tweeting a photo of her baby daddy Wiz Khalifa holding their new wee one, Sebastian ‘The Bash’ Taylor Thomaz. Amber Rose gave birth to the couple’s first son on Thursday.

“Best daddy ever…. Up with the baby so Muva can go back to sleep :-)’,” Rose tweeted along with a photo of Wiz looking dumbstruck at baby “Bash,” who was bundled up tightly in a white blanket.

INTERNALLY MOTIVATED

Ethan Hawke Disses Oscar Competition As ‘Asinine,’ Should Be Drafted To Reform Public Schools

By Elizabeth C.

AS THE BUZZ GROWS LOUDER ABOUT SUNDAY’S 85TH ACADEMY AWARDS, Ethan Hawke joins the small chorus of celebrities unenamored with Oscar’s statue.

In an interview with Gotham, Uma Thurman’s ex skewers the awards as an “asinine” competition with ultimately very little meaning. We’re sure he means that in the existential sense because the value of the Oscar “bump” is documented.

MANIPULATIVE

Mindy McCain’s Ex-Fiance Calls Her ‘Poisonous’

By Elizabeth C.

COUNTRY SINGER MINDY MCCAIN’S FORMER fiance Dean Cain spoke with People about the singer’s suicide, calling her “poisonous” and admitting he wasn’t shocked by the news.

“I’m saddened to hear of her passing, but I’m not surprised,” the former star of the TV series Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman told the feature magazine.

AFTERNOON SNACK

Drink Up This Kitten Cup Of Cheer

HERE’S A KITTEN IN A GLASS to quench your thirst for meme.

UNTAMED NATURES

Two ‘Centaurs,’ One Ad, Lures 500 Potential Dates

By Elizabeth C.

THEY BRAG IN THEIR CRAIGSLIST AD THAT THEY’VE WATCHED LOVE ACTUALLY, but two self-described “bad boy” bros evoke more memories of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers.

Brothers Dave and Mike needed dates for a cousin’s upcoming wedding. But neither wanted to bring the “fringe” women in their lives fearing they’d turn into overly attached girlfriends. Their solution? Posing as centaurs in a cheeky ad on Craigslist touting open bar, a chance to dress up, suspense, romance, mystery — and a cut of the royalties after their love story’s turned into movie.

BE GONE

Kelly Clarkson Calls Clive Davis A Bully, Questions Recollections In His New Memoir

By Jacob Wittich

POP STAR KELLY CLARKSON PUTS LEGENDARY RECORD MOGUL CLIVE DAVIS ON BLAST, accusing him of “memory lapses and misinformation” in his new memoir, The Soundtrack of My Life.. “I refuse to be bullied and I just have to clear up his memory lapses and misinformation for myself and for my fans,” she declares. “It feels like a violation. Growing up is awesome because you learn you don’t have to cower to anyone - even Clive Davis.”

In Davis’ memoir, in which he admits to bisexuality, he claims Clarkson broke down in “hysterical sobbing” in his office after he demanded that she put the song Since U Been Gone on her second album.

BITE-SIZED TIDBITS

Whack Wednesday

Kim Kardashian’s Auto-Erotical Fantasies, Lisa Lampanelli’s Loose Lips & Chicago’s ‘Taste’ Loses Flavor

By Miz J

ANOTHER SECOND, ANOTHER KIM KARDASHIAN UPDATE. That gal is really milking every single one of those 15 minutes, taking some glossy shots of her barely-there bump for DuJour Magazine. We know, we’ve never heard of that magazine, either, and yes, we’re looking into whether it’s a Kris Jenner-owned-and-operated-enterprise. Because at this point, what DON’T you know about that krazy family? And do you know what’s even krazier? When answering a Cosompolitan sex survey about what she’d do if she were a man for a day, Kim declared: “I would want to know what it’s like to have sex with myself. I would just want to know what it would feel like.” Never change, kray kray, never change.