‘THE AMERICAN DREAM, YA’LL’

Be Very Afraid: Spring Breakers Trailer Drops

By Elizabeth C.

LOCK YOUR DOORS AND TURN OFF THE LIGHTS. And maybe reconsider saving for college. The trailer for Spring Breakers has dropped and it officially delivers the heebie jeebies.

The clip makes Jersey Shore look like part of a Disney theme park. Here four ”bored college girls,” played by Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine, hunger for the thrill of Spring Break but lack the greenbacks to make it happen. But a restaurant robbery solves that problem and soon they’re on their way, only to be detoured again when they get popped for drugs.

A HOLE IN ONE?

Report Claims Tiger Woods Proposed To Elin Again

By Elizabeth C.

OOUTRAGEOUS BUT TRUE?

The National Enquirer claims that the disgraced ho dog Tiger Woods has asked his ex-wife Elin Nordegren for her hand in marriage again. And, amazingly, the tab reports the 33-year-old mother of two is actually considering it — as long as Tiger puts a $350 million “anti-cheating” clause in a prenup.

B-UTIFUL

Credit: PreOwnedWeddingDresses.com

Be A Bootylicious Bride In Beyonce Fantasy Wedding Gown

By Elizabeth C.

WANT TO BE A BADASS BOOTYLICIOUS BRIDE? Here’s your chance to be your very own Sasha Fierce by buying the Size 4 Baracci bridal gown Beyonce wore in her Best Thing I Never Had video.

CHAMPION OF DECEIT

Lance Armstrong: Olympic Liar

By Elizabeth C.

AS CYCLIST FANS WAIT FOR OPRAH’S CONFESSIONAL INTERVIEW WITH Lance Armstrong, there’s been no shortage of replays in the media about the lies he told for 15 years. Here’s my favorite so far:

A ‘BLUE’ DISEASE

Credit: Caters News Agency

She’s The Chief Smurfette Of Her Very Own Blue Man Group

KAREN BELL IS THE STAR OF HER VERY OWN BLUE MAN, ER, SMURF GROUP. Or, to be more precise, the chief Smurfette of a collection of 4,482 tiny blue smurfs.

Bell, 37, of Ayrshire, Scotland, has been collecting the troll-like figurines since we was 6 years old.

GOSSIP TODAY

Credit: NBC

Love Celebrity Style: Robsten’s Twilight, J Lo’s Good Will & LiLo’s Good …Company?

By Elizabeth C.

THANK GOD FOR THE FIRST AMENDMENT, which, among other things allows us to fill our own tediously boring lives with wild speculation about celebrities’ love lives. And just in case you’re really feeling empty, we’ve got scads of deliriously good gossip to pass on.

For starters, sniff sniff, the London Sun is reporting that the sun is setting on Twilight lovers Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

SNACKIN’ ON NEWSBITS

Whack Wednesday: Shawty Lo, Fast Food Highs & Jessica Simpson

By Miz J

STIRRING SHIT BEFORE IT EVEN HIT THE AIRWAVES, Oxygen’s All My Babies’ Mamas has been canceled. And even though we love a good trainwreck around here, we’re definitely glad to see this one go.

BROACHING NEW WATERS

Snooki & J-Woww: Rocks & A Rockem Sockem Baby

By Karen Malmquist

OH BABY! LORENZO IS FIST PUMPING A little too hard inside of Nicole on Tuesday’s episode of “Snooki & J-Woww”. Nicole is on the verge of an emotional collapse as she enters her third trimester, but it doesn’t stop her from giving Jenni a reality check about her out-of-this-world engagement ring demands.

So last week, Nicole got a call from Jionni, letting her know that he is in the hospital. She’s worried, saying she’s going to go see him, but his mom Janice advises her to rest and put her feet up and that he’ll be fine. Nicole leaves for the hospital anyway, because she is way too worried about him.

A TATLER TALE

Credit: Twitter

Fashion Faux Paw: Tatler’s Dashchund Breaks Neck In Revolving Door

By Elizabeth C.

TRAGEDY BEFELL BRITAIN’S HOUSE OF VOGUE YESTERDAY, AND it had nothing to do with dieting waifs or embarrassing couture. Rather, an adorable dachshund with his own Twitter account had his neck snapped in a revolving door.

‘Alan TBH Plumptre,’ who served as the in-house mascot of sorts to Condé Nast’S Tatler magazine, was crushed after dashing towards the door midspin. The London Fire Brigade worked to save the tiny pooch but he died at the scene.

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE?

Credit: Reuters

Lance Armstrong Officially Becomes A Liar

By Elizabeth C.

NOW WE KNOW THE FRENCH WERE RIGHT TO HATE HIM.

Seven-Time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong Armstrong went to America’s chief confessor Oprah and reportedly admitted that his cycling feats were fueled by performance-enhancing drugs. The admission comes after 15 years of denials and and three months after he was stripped of his Tour de France titles collected from 1999 to 2005. But his mea culpa is being widely perceived as a ploy to gain redemption from the public.