GOOGLE GETS THE LAST WORD

Whack Vs. Wack: An Alternative Viewpoint

By Elizabeth C.

GAWKER’S ESTEEMED HAMILTON NOLAN is using his exalted position to halt the use of the slang word ‘whack’ over its alternative spelling, ‘wack.’

For us here at Crabby Golightly the debate is more than academic since every Wednesday we publish some of the day’s weirdest news under the headline ‘Whack Wednesday.’ Now — and thank god — The Atlantic commits the same sin. So at the risk of getting burned — or worse, embarrassed — let us jump into the wacky fray.

FOOLED YA

Maybe Beyonce Should Have Sang America The Beyutiful

By Elizabeth C.

IT’S A B LASPHEMY, A “B ETRAYANCE”, A B ROKEN promise to the nation. Beyonce lipsynced The Star Spangled Banner. And your outcries will all be recorded in her archives, bitches.

SEXY AND THEY KNOW IT

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Paris Hilton Makes A Cameo

By Karen Malmquist

COUNT ON A STRIPPER POLE to bring the ladies of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills together. After a heated Moroccan dinner debate, the doyennes of drama decide to put aside their differences and take a trip to strip away the pain. But first…

We revisit last week’s war of words between Brandi and Mauricio over the still largely unknown Adrienne drama. Kyle manages to talk Mauricio down, but is still disappointed that the evening took a turn for the worse.

THE SOPHIE SHOW

Credit: SophieInNorthKorea

Sophie Schmidt Goes To North Korea & Reports Back Meta

By Elizabeth C.

WHEN ALL THE WORLD’S YOUR STAGE, IT MAKES SENSE THAT YOUR OBSERVATIONS would evoke a dose of meta. Which helps explain Sophie Schmidt’s online travelogue about her recent trip to North Korea with her father, Google Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt.

Miss Schmidt, whose age is unknown (how’s that for ironic?), reflects on her “very, very strange” trip to the Democratic People’s Republic of (North) Korea in a website published on a free Google site here.

The page fascinates for two reasons: it gives glimpse inside North Korea’s austere, frozen world while also revealing the rarefied circles of a tech titan’s privileged child.

EMOTIONAL FALLOUT?

Justin Moons While Selena Cries Herself A River

By Jacob Wittich

WEEKS AFTER JELENA BROKE UP, SELENA GOMEZ AND JUSTIN BIEBER are still showing signs of adjusting to their newfound solo statuses.

Bieber, 18, has gotten caught up in couple controversies, including his recent mooning on Instagram and the published snaps of him smoking marijuana.

In the meantime, Selena was interviwed tipsy at the Golden Globes, has been busy promoting her racy new movie, Spring Breakers and now, is channeling her emotions through music.

ASS IS ON THE LINE

Real Housewives Of Atlanta: The Back End Of Donkey Booty

By Karen Malmquist

HERE SHE COMES, MISS RATCHET USA!

Booty battles show no sign of slowing Real Housewives of Atlanta, as Kenya and Phaedra continue to butt heads over serious booty business.

Cynthia is at the Branner Brothers International Hair Show, judging the hairstyling competition. She’s got her work cut out for her, because the hair in the room would put RuPaul’s Drag Race to shame. Kenya is also there to support Cynthia, as well as tell spread the word about her latest endeavor. She and Cynthia tell their friends Derek J and Miss Lawrence about Kenya’s upcoming workout video for “stallion booties.” Miss Lawrence and Peter say that they’d rather have a stallion booty, anyway, and Cynthia agrees that it would probably sell more than a donkey booty video.

FOUR MORE YEARS

Forward

By Elizabeth C.

WASHINGTON, D.C. IS A THRONG OF CELEBRATIONS AS BARACK OBAMA SWEARS IN FOR HIS SECOND TERM as President of the United States. The pomp includes performances by Beyonce, Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson, Stevie Wonder, Alicia Keyes, Ke$ha and more famous names. Because everybody loves a winner.

But Obama resumes the job with the nation’s ballyhooed political divide and an annual budget creaking under a $473.4 billion deficit. As the New York Times says it, “The gauzy hope of 2009 has faded into the starker realism of 2013. The Washington they promised to transform is as divided as ever.”

A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

Ka-Ching! Ebay Profit Seekers Cash In On Discontinued Django Unchained Figures

By Elizabeth C.

COLLECTORS ARE FEVERISHLY SNAPPING UP THE NOW-DISCONTINUED action figures from Quentin Tarantino’s controversial Django Unchained on eBay. The toys were being sold for $39.99 a piece on Amazon.

Individual figures of the “unchained” Django are selling for as much as $720, with the entire six-figure set snaring a whopping $2,350 in one auction.

Many more sets have sold for in excess of $1,000. The six-piece toy collection includes depictions of vengeful bounty hunter Django, the subservient house slave Stephen, the cruel slave master Candie and the beautiful imprisoned slave Broomhilda as well as two other movie characters. Production of the toys was halted Friday due to complaints about the film’s “spaghetti Western” depiction of slavery.

CYANIDE WHODUNIT

Credit: Reuters, Illinois Lottery

Chicago Cyanide Victim’s Body Exhumed For Further Testing

By Elizabeth C.

THE INEVITABLE MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE THAT IS the death of Illinois Lottery winner Urooj Khan advanced Friday when his body was exhumed for an autopsy.

Khan, 46, died July 20, one day after claiming the $425,000 payout on a one million dollar scratch-off ticket jackpot. Although Cook County Medical Examiner’s Office officials initially concluded that Khan died of natural causes, an anonymous family member persuaded them to investigate further. Subsequent lab tests on blood samples tested positive for cyanide, and Chicago police opened a homicide investigation. On Friday, authorities exhumed his body from the Rosehill Cemetary on Chicago’s North Side, and performed an autopsy looking for further evidence of poisoning.

STRAIGHT SHOOTIN’

Jamie Foxx Unleashes On Spike Lee For Dissing Django

By Elizabeth C.

DIRECTOR QUENTIN TARANTINO’S BEEN TAKING A LOT OF HEAT for the violence and language in his slave spaghetti Western, Django Unleashed. But he can feel better knowing that the movie’s star Jamie Foxx has his back.

In a recent interview with The Guardian, Foxx, who portrays the vengeful black bounty hunter Django, unleashes on director Spike Lee in for criticizing Tarantino’s usage of the “n” word in the movie. He also tweeted about the film: ” “American slavery was not a Sergio Leone spaghetti Western. It was a holocaust.”