FUNDRAISING FOR SECOND HOME

Jersey Shore Homies Rally To Restore Seaside Heights

By Karen Malmquist

QUICK! SOMEBODY TELL GEORGE CLOONEY, Sean Penn, Bruce Springsteen, and FEMA that they can all go home. Hire a medium to tell Michael Jackson that We Are the World is no longer relevant, because America’s real heroes have got the Hurricane Sandy relief covered. Yup, the cast of Jersey Shore is committed to helping rebuild Seaside Heights.

‘FORGET YOU’ AS MAKE-OUT STRATEGY?

Did Cee Lo Green Slip A Mickey Before Slipping His Dickie?

By Elizabeth C.

ANYBODY ELSE FIND CEE LO GREEN TO BE A BIT CREEPY ON The Voice, raise your hand!

Now currently on hiatus from the TV talent show, Green always came off a little leering to the pretties who performed.

That earlier impression is heightened by the allegations that the F-k You singer slipped his date the club drug Ecstasy and his way with her while she was either smashed or unconscious.

DITCHED

Erin Heatherton ‘In Love’ With Leo DiCaprio As Recently As October 21

By Elizabeth C.

CAN YOU FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH SOMEONE IN 15 DAYS? No, I didn’t think so. Which means we’ve got pretty good evidence that Leo DiCaprio was the dumper in the DiCaprio-Erin Heatherton affair.

SECURITY!

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta, Season 5: Breaking Back With ‘Cootchie Crack’

By Karen Malmquist

HOLD ON TO YOUR WEAVES! Season Five of The Real Housewives of Atlanta kicked off Sunday with a new, crazy-eyed housewife who expects the world to know who she is. Kenya Moore screams at Cynthia’s employees and co-workers about lady parts, and it looks like she’s only going to get more insane as we go. Think of her as a cross between Danielle Staub and Glen Close in Fatal Attraction.

OCTOBER’S SURPRISE

New York Is Down Because God Is A Democrat

By Elizabeth C.

THE COVER OF THIS WEEK’S MAGAZINE PULLS OFF THE IMPOSSIBLE: IT ENCAPSULATES EIGHT MILLION STORIES IN THE CITY with one beautifully stark image.

The city that never sleeps was once again been tested by events out of its control

ERIN’S TIME IS UP

Leo DiCaprio Will Soon Be Is Taking Auditions For His Next Model Playmate

By Elizabeth C.

UBER PLAYBOY LEO DICAPRIO HAS LEFT ANOTHER LONG-LEGGED LADY BEHIND: Victoria’s Secret model Erin Heatherton and the alpha actor have split.

E! Online reports that DiCaprio’s demanding film schedule created distance between the couple. (Riiiight.) Leo spent months shooting The Great Gatsby in Australia last year and logged time in New Orleans early in 2012 shooting Django Unchained.

BEARDED LADY WANNABE?

Kirstie Alley Calls John Travolta ‘Love Of Her Life’

By Elizabeth C.

JOHN TRAVOLTA MUST BE ONE AMAZING PERSON IN THE FLESH. Masseurs love him, old ladies love him, Oprah loves him, Carrie Fisher adores him, and now we learn that Kirstie Alley considers him “the love of her life.”

DON’T JUDGE ME — JUDGE HER

Lady Gaga Throws Adele Under The Bus For Being Fatter

By Elizabeth C.

FOR A POP STAR WHO BOASTS OF BEING ON “DRUNK DIET” in one breath and a “Body Revolution” the next, it’s clear Lady Gaga has body image issues. So much so that when a weight gain of 30 pounds generated blather on the web, the self-acclaimed anti-bully lashed out, and in doing so, threw subtle shade at Adele.

LUCKY CATS

From China, A Sweet-And-Sour Cat Tale

By Elizabeth C.

FIRST THE SOUR: POLICE IN XUZHOU, CHINA, pulled over an out-of-town lorry then found 500 “mewling” cats — some obviously previously well-loved — destined for restaurants underneath the driver’s tarp.

Now the sweet: police notified local animal lovers who paid the driver $350 for the lot.

THE UPENDING OF A TALE

Tiny victims of Superstorm Sandy

Experts: NY’s Post-Sandy Rat Rap Is Claptrap

By Elizabeth C.

AS NEW YORKERS STRUGGLE TO OVERCOME THE DEVASTATION OF SUPERSTORM SANDY, ONE POPULATION INSIDE THE CITY IS GETTING EXTRAORDINARY ATTENTION: RATS.

A debate has broken out among New York’s media over whether the flooding would displace and embolden the city’s rat population, estimated to be anywhere between 250,000 to 100 million, or actually decrease their number.