PAPER OF RECORD GOES LOW

SNL Spoofs NYT’s Review of Guy Fieri’s Restaurant, Falls Short Of Trolling Reviewer

By Elizabeth C.

WITH PROFITS DOWN A JAWDROPPING 85 PERCENT, THE HISTORICALLY HAUGHTY NEW YORK TIMES is now taking a different tact to attract readers: trolling. How else to explain restaurant critic Pete Wells’s gut-punching take-down of Guy Fieri’s new restaurant in Times Square.

In the week since being published, Peter Wells’ review has become legendary for its incendiary snideness. A taste:

THE NIGHT WAS TIGHT

Justin Bieber Master Of Ceremonies At AMA’s Liquid Party

By Elizabeth C.

NO BETTER PLACE TO BE SLINKING Sunday than the American Music Awards’ liquid party, where the music industry’s reigning names pop, locked and dropped their hottest numbers. Justin Bieber, Usher, Ke$ha, Pink, Christina Aguilera, Gwen Stefani, Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift and newcomer Psy all performed for the television audience and the crowd at Los Angeles’ Nokia Theatre.

AN EGO FROZEN IN TIME

Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: From 19 Whenever

By Karen Malmquist

NENE LEAKES, MASTER THESPIAN? On Sunday’s Real Housewives of Atlanta, NeNe fantasizes about winning an Emmy, and then offers performing arts students acting advice. Like Lea Michele before her, Ryan Murphy has created a monster

KEEPING MARIAH GROUNDED

Nick Cannon Calls Mariah ‘Diva,’ Confesses To Poopy Patrol

By Elizabeth C.

MARIAH CAREY’S SMARTEST MOVE EVER WAS MARRYING NICK CANNON, WHO CLEARLY HAD HIS MOMMY’S LOVE AND CAN GIVE IT BACK TO HIS WOMAN.

The America’s Got Talent host is a a devoted family man, smitten by both his superstar wife and his wee twins Monroe and Moroccan. And he isn’t afraid to show it.

During a visit to Anderson Cooper’s doomed talk show, the 32-year-old dad described life in the Carey-Cannon household.

BIAS IN DISGUISE

10 Reasons Why The Adele ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ Tumblr Is Lame

By Elizabeth C.

OH, LOOKIE. SOME WANKERS MADE A FUNNY BY CREATING A What If Adele Was Mrs. Doubtfire tumblr. And a lot of bloggers with penises jumped on it (figuratively speaking, we think) to ride it into the ground.

FLAWS COMPEL

Aaron Sorkin On Steve Jobs Biopic: Only ‘Flawed’ Characters Are Worth Attention

By Elizabeth C.

“THERE’S NO POINT IN WRITING ABOUT SOMEONE UNLESS THEY’RE FLAWED,” SCREENWRITER AARON SORKIN tells The Daily Beast‘s Tina Brown, revealing the secret to good storytelling.

Sorkin was talking about his upcoming biopic on Steve Jobs which he revealed will be told in three scenes recorded in real time.

“Perfect people who probably don’t exist aren’t that interesting,” acknowledges Sorkin, writer of the critically hailed film, The Social Network, and HBO’s The Newsroom.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Jersey Shore Recap: The Worst Break-Up Movie Ever

By Karen Malmquist

GYM, TAN, BREAK UP WITH PAULA? Well, this was a short romance, with embarrassment rivaling having your mom chaperone prom night, but Mike and Paula’s bust-up was bound to happen. When both parts of a couple don’t have proper social skills or etiquette, things are going to fall apart quickly.

OFF HER GRID

Selena Gomez Cock Blocks Justin Bieber

By Elizabeth C.

THINGS HAVE GONE FROM BAD TO WORSE BETWEEN YOUNG EX-LOVERS SELENA GOMEZ AND JUSTIN BIEBER. TMZ reports that theDisney star has blocked Justin’s calls and texts a week after word hit that the two ended their teen romance.

But the bigger buzz: the online tab claims a third party was indeed a factor in the breakup, though it can’t confirm that Victoria’s Secret Angel Barbara Palvin is the culprit.

DIVA IN THE MAKING

‘Diva’ Carly Rose Sonenclar Breaks Through Noise To Prove She’s Got X Factor

By Elizabeth C.

REMEMBER THIS NAME: Carly Rose Sonenclar. We’ll all talking about her in the future.

Sonenclar is the 13-year-old who gave thrills and chills on last night’s X Factor, and received beaucoup shoutouts on Twitter.

“carly rose needs to win #xfactor like really can we just skip to the end,” tweeted Rick Dillon.

SPEECHLESS

Lindsay Lohan On Jimmy Fallon: The Ideal LiLo

By Elizabeth C.

ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN?????

Sigh. We’re still talking about Lindsay Lohan. Thankfully, in her latest stunt — this one not involving a police investigation or car crash — LiLo herself doesn’t utter a word.