PLAYERS WANNA PLAY

Rihanna’s Hump-A-Dinking Chris Brown On Instagram

By Jacob Wittich

IT AIN’T NOBODY’S BUSINESS? RIIIIIGHT. Although Rihanna and Chris Brown continue to deny that the two have rekindled their romance, Rih Rih’s latest Instagram pic says otherwise.

” “@f—yopictures i don’t wanna leave!!! Killed it tonight baby!!!”, Rihanna writes after posting a photo of her hump-a-dinking Brown’s back following one of his Carpe Diem shows in Germany.

SMACKING THE MESSENGER

Lindsay Lohan’s Future: Hazy With A Chance Of Rehab

By Elizabeth C.

SUDDENLY, LINDSAY LOHAN’S LATEST SKIRMISH REACHES THE LEVEL OF INTERESTING, thanks entirely to the revelation that her latest victim is a fortune teller who specializes in “tarot, palm and psychic energy readings.” Apparently foreseeing wallops isn’t part of her raison d’etre.

BABY, BABY, BABY OH

Jersey Shore: Trouble With Jionni’s Balls

By Karen Malmquist

NO AMOUNT OF RON RON JUICE could make Thursday’s Jersey Shore any less awkward for the roommates, as Vinnie and Jionni come face-to-face for Nicole’s baby shower, and formerShore villain Angelina and current “Where Are They Now?” answer runs into the gang. Oh, and apparently “bug pregnancy” is a thing.

NOTHING BUT THE BEST

Adele’s “21” Reaches Milestone In Sales

By Jacob Wittich

ALTHOUGH ADELE HAS BEEN LAYING LOW AFTER THE ARRIVAL OF HER NEWBORN SON, her hit album 21 still poppin’ on the music scene.

The British songstress’ second album is coincidentally the 21st album to sell 10 million copies since Nielsen SoundScan began tracking data in 1991.

GET HELP GIRL

Credit: SplashNewsOnline

Lindsay Lohan: An Oozing Sore On Our Collective Conscience

LIINDSAY LOHAN IS LIKE THE SYPHILITIC GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING, with today’s poisonous exposure another arrest, this time for hitting a New York City clubgoer in the face.

TRUE PUBLIC SERVANT

Credit: Jennifer Florence

New York Police Officer Uplifts Humanity With Gift Of Shoes To Homeless Man

JESUS ADVISED US NOT TO CRITICIZE BEFORE WE WALKED A MILE IN ANOTHER’S SHOES. But what if the person we looked down upon had no shoes?

If you’re New York Police Officer Lawrence DePrimo, you buy him a pair. The police rookie has touched hearts around the world after a photograph of him gifting a pair of expensive shoes to a homeless man hit the web.

ASSHAT?

Here’s A Public Service Announcement About Ass Implants Gone Wrong

By Elizabeth C.

RENDERED SPEECHLESS, I CAN ONLY MUSTER THE MENTAL CELERITY to embed the YouTube video that serves as public service announcement about the dangers of butt cheek implants.

A HOARY MYSTERY

Credit: HuffingtonPost

Bigfoot Lives! Scientist Claims Unknown Hairy Thing Did The Nasty With Human Females 15,000 Years Ago

THE HULKING HAIRY HOMINID BIGFOOT isn’t just a figment of our collective imagination — so claims Dr. Melba S. Ketchum, director of DNA Diagnostics located somewhere in Texas.

Ketchum is catching a wave of press after DNA Diagnostics released a press release claiming a 5-year study confirmed the existence of a human hybrid.

“Our data indicate that the North American Sasquatch is a hybrid species, the result of males of an unknown hominin species crossing with female Homo sapiens,” Ketchum says in a press release. Translated, that means some ape-like beast did the dirty with females of the human species an estimated 15,000 years ago. Ketchum claims that before her study, she
did not believe in these creatures” herself.

THINK DIFFERENT

Einstein’s Brain: Visually Extraordinary

SCIENTISTS REVIEWED RECENTLY DISCOVERED PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN OF ALBERT EINSTEIN’S BRAIN AT HIS 1955 AUTOPSY IN Princeton N.J. and “describe the external gross neuroanatomy of Einstein’s entire
cerebral cortex” in a paper for the journal Brain.

FUTURE THINKING

My ‘Secret’ Plans For Life 2.0 After Winning The Powerball

By Elizabeth C.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN, DEARIES. SAYONARA my sweet invisible friends. Goodbye to you, too, trolls. I’ll be gone tomorrow — after the Powerball numbers are announced.

I’ve been practicing The Secret all night long, manifesting my destiny for riches. Rhonda Byrne promises it works and Oprah backs her up, so who am I who to doubt? They’re rich and I’m not — that is until tonight — when I kick back with a glass of Pinot Noir and wait for my winning numbers to be called.