FALL IN LOVE

David Cross & Amber Tamblyn Gloriously “Fall” Into Marriage

By Elizabeth C.

LONGTIME LOVEBIRDS ACTRESS AMBER TAMBLYN AND DAVID CROSS tied the knot this weekend in a glorious outdoor fall affair documented on Instagram by Questlove of The Roots.

WELCOME TO THE DOLL HOUSE

All The World Loves A Winner: Lena Dunham, Honey Boo Boo

By Elizabeth C.

WE’RE REMINDED THAT ALL THE WORLD LOVES A WINNER THE DAY AFTER TWO PUBLIC PRONOUNCEMENTS: Girls producer Lena Dunham lands a $3.7 million book contract, and Rosie O’Donnell wants to buy Honey Boo Boo a house. Well, isn’t that special.

AVIVA BACKTRACKS

Real Housewives Of New York City Reunion: White-Trash-Washed

By Trisha B.

TONIGHT THERE WILL BE NO FROSTY STROLLS AMONG TOWER APARTMENT BUILDINGS or showdowns in leafy Central Park; no restaurant dinners or tony home dinner parties; no sandy beaches, fantastic villas or nude swims in the pool. Just a bunch of yakity yak yak.

WHAT’S THE MEASURE OF A MAN?

There’s Nothing Firm About This Big Penis Story

By Elizabeth C.

PENIS, penis, penis! Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll get more clicks. At least, that seems to be the idea behind a Yahoo news story headlined, “Penis Size Matters in Bed, Study Finds.”

Except the study found that “size mattered” only to 34 percent of the women in a Scottish survey of college students.> Of 323 female college students questioned, 160 of them had sexual histories that qualified them to address penis size. Among those, 60 percent reported that penis size “makes no difference” in sexual satisfaction.

Another 6.3 percent reported sex was better when the penis was shorter.

You see what Yahoo did there? Someone wrote a headline based on the minority report.

PROJECTING BILE

Lady Gaga Copycats Again! — This Time Justin Bieber’s Barfing

BECAUSE THE PAYOFF WAS BIG FOR A BARFING JUSTIN BIEBER, LADY GAGA PUKED ON STAGE DURING A CONCERT in Barcelona. As Gags descended stairs with her back to the audience, the sound went something like this:

“On the edge with you (barf)
On the edge with you (barf).

ON DISPLAY

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Reunion Recap: Once More With Reeling

By Karen Malmquist

IT’S OFFICIAL: TERESA GIUDICE has lost her marbles. On Sunday’s part two of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, Tre actually gets down on her knees and praises Jesus for getting the crazy out of her life. Well, if the crazy is gone, then what replaced it?

UK DOG PHOTO CONTEST

Adorable Pooch Takes Winning Bite Out Of Life

IT’S FRIDAY AND I’VE ALREADY BEEN DEALING WITH GUIDOS AND SEX TAPES and I’LL be damned if I’m spending any more time this week with the sado-masochistic pairing that is Chris Brown and Rihanna. Instead, I found a nice fuzzy photo of an adorable puppy going crosseyed snapping at a flower. Awww, that’s just right.

COITUS INTERRUPTUS?

Leaked Hulk Hogan Sex Tape Turns Gawkerites Into Hulkamaniacs

By Elizabeth C.

SOME UNNAMED SCALLYWAG GENEROUSLY (AND NO DOUBT SELF-SERVINGLY) PROVIDED GAWKER WITH A GRAINY sex tape showing Hulk Hogan doing the dirty with a lithe female figure. Predictably, Gawker published parts of it. Unpredictably, the web’s most popular provocateur served up a dissatisfying 1:41 seconds revealing the WWE wrestler talking more than fucking. where’s the payoff in that, A.J.?

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Jersey Shore: The Longest Goodbye

By Karen Malmquist

“I JUST DON’T WANT A LOT OF DRAMA, LIKE LAST TIME,” SAYS Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, who seems to say this every time a new season of Jersey Shore begins, as if she’s unaware of what show she’s on and that her life has become The Truman Show. Well, if the dramatics are what put the gang and Seaside Heights, NJ on the map, why stop now? Judging by the fact that one of the roommates starts crying when another asks about furniture, this is season is going to be one hot mess of an emotional roller coaster.

BEHIND THE GLAMOUR

Opening Up About Their Pain: Nicole Kidman, Stephen Colbert

By Elizabeth C.

STARS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US! SURE THEY have more money, glamour and privilege, but that doesn’t make them immune from life’s swift kicks in the gut. And today brings us two stories of celebrities opening up about the heartbreak they’ve endured. In an interview with an Australian magazine, Nicole Kidman talks about the pain she suffered when her marriage to Tom Cruise ended, as well as the depression that resulted from infertility. And in an upcoming Oprah’s Next Chapter, social satirist Stephen Colbert reveals the emotional devastation that followed the death of his father and two brothers in a plane crash when he was 10.