MUM’S THE WORD

Adele Stays Mum About Birth As Twitter Trolls Exult With Hate

By Natasha Hemley

WE WON’T KNOW DEFINITIVELY UNTIL WE SEE THE NEW MUM HIGHTAILING IT FOR NAPPIES WITH A WEE ONE IN TOW, BUT WORD’S LEAKED THAT Grammy-winning British singer Adele gave birth to a baby boy Friday night.

You would think that everyone would be happy for the Rolling In The Deep songstress and boyfriend Simon Konecki, but …no. Poking fun has immediate rewards for Twitter trolls, who deliriously wallowed in the muck under the bridge after the announcement came.

BLOWHARD ALERT

Credit: ObamaReleaseYourRecords.Blogspot

Speculating On Donald Trump’s Earthshaking Announcement

By Elizabeth C.

THE WORLD’S BIGGEST FAME WHORE — we’re talking bigger than Kim Kardashian, more desperate than Madonna, more contrived than Lady Gaga — Donald Trump claims he’ll tweet a “gigantic” announcement Wednesday that will change this year’s presidential race.

Quick — someone tell him he cannot fire the president. Nor does he have the singular power to impeach.

Yet again, the Donald cannot be stopped from his semi-regular lunge for the limelight. He believes what he thinks is critical to the nation, carries more weight than Madea. Now the reality TV star and real estate mogul tells Fox & Friends that his big reveal about the President is going to be… “very big.”

SURVEY SAYS!

The 411 On WTF Men Are Thinking — Or 2G2BT?

By Natasha Hemley

IITYWIMWYBMAD?

The authors of the new book WTF Are Men Thinking claim they queried a quarter million men on everything from sex to dating to office hookups. Market researchers Christopher Brya and Miguel Almaraz tackled the project after a divorced friend lamented she didn’t know the new “rules” for dating. The authors‘ findings really aren’t really so WTF (the title was the publisher’s idea). But their research could might make you hold out hope for romance — even if you might first have to navigate the new language of love: texting.

STRANGER FROM A STRANGE LAND

Clique Of One: Joaquin Phoenix In Interview

By Elizabeth C.

“IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME WE CAME TO SOME CONCLUSIONS ABOUT FREDDIE, IT FELT WRONG,” Phoenix tells Interview magazine of the aimless soul he plays in Paul Thomas Anderson’s critically acclaimed The Master. He could just have been easily talking about himself.

THE BEGINNING OF THE BIG SELL

WTF: The Old Gray Lady Figuratively Lunches With “Reformed” Perez Hilton

By Elizabeth C.

WELL, SN’T THIS SPECIAL: PEREZ HILTON HAS GRADUATED FROM DOODLING DRIPPING CUM ON CELEBRITY SNAPSHOTS TO BEING PROFILED IN today’s New York Times. It’s worlds colliding: an old gray lady lunching with impertinent upstart.

A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

Jersey Shore: They Lost Their Poor Meatball

By Karen Malmquist

AMERICA HANGS ITS COLLECTIVE HEAD THIS MORNING, WONDERING IF WE’RE RIGHT FOR LAUGHING At Deena Cortese as she cried and danced her way to jail on Thursday’s Jersey Shore. We watch her world unraval and her big bouncy ball deflate, along with her sobriety.

A ROCKER & A HARD PLACE

German Bandmember’s Epic Fail Makes ‘Splash’ On The Web

By Elizabeth C.

IN CASE YOU NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD THE PHRASE, HERE’S AN EXAMPLE OF ‘EPIC FAIL.’

A MODEST PROPOSAL

Virtual Vigilantes & The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

By Elizabeth C.

MILLIONS OF NETIZENS HAVE BEEN ENTERTAINED BY THE Gawker-REDDIT DRAMA OVER CREEPSHOTS posted in the dank subterranean basements known as subreddits. The internecine squabble is rooted in the sleazy practice of virtual predators — some even high school teachers — posting revealing photos of women and/or underaged girls without their knowledge or consent.

To quote Erin Gloria Ryan, a writer at Gawker’s sister site Jezebel, “Mad-on achieved.”

AWWWW, A MIRACLE

Why Megan Fox’s Son Newborn Son Will Be One Of Hollywood’s Luckiest

By Elizabeth C.

WHO’S THE LUCKIEST NEWBORN IN HOLLYWOOD? That has to be one Noah Shannon Green, born to the mega hot Megan Fox and her husband Brian Austin Greene on Sept. 27. The Hollywood starlet announced his birth on her Facebook page today. “He is healthy, happy, and perfect,” mom wrote. “We are humbled to have the opportunity to call ourselves the parents of this beautiful soul and I am forever grateful to God for allowing me to know this kind of boundless, immaculate love.

Awww, that’s so adorable it has to be ghost-written. But let’s consider why he’ll be a lucky little fellow:

‘INTERNET CRACK’

Honey Boo Boo Continues Pop Culture Invasion, Co-ops Christopher Walken Film Lines

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S SCREEN JUNKIES SHOW’ HOST HAL RUDNICK feeding our addiction to all things Honey Boo Boo Child.

Last week the Internet review show “flipped the script” during a visit with Seven Psychopaths stars Christopher Walken, Colin Farrell, and Sam Rockwell by asking them to read lines from TLC’s breakout reality hit. Then Walken’s utterances from Georgia’s most famous go-go-juiced up, sketti-eatin’stars spread faster than Molly at a rave.