DON’T READ ON AN EMPTY STOMACH

Cop Cannibal Wannabe Dreamed Of Slow-Cooking Woman

By Elizabeth C.

WOULD GILBERTO VALLE LIKE A NICE CHIANTI AND SOME FAVA BEANS TO GO WITH HIS MEAL?

Consider that gallows humor because what New York Police Officer Valle wanted as his main course was women.

Cravings For Social Media Even Stronger Than For Sex, Study Finds

By Elizabeth C.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT, YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE IT NOW — that smooth slippery thing in your hands.

It’s your phone smart phone (get your mind out of the gutter!), the tool that feeds your addiction to social media.

A study by researchers at the University of Chicago’s Booth Business School found that people’s desire to text, tweet and engage others on the Internet was stronger than sex and cigarettes.

I’LL STOP THE WORLD WITH YOU

Jessica Biel’s Fairytale Wedding Sullied By Tasteless Video Mocking Homeless

By Natasha Hemley

REMEMBER PRETTY IN PINK? Jessica Biel turned that movie into reality when she walked down the aisle in a custom Giambattista Valli strapless gown to exchange vows with long time beau, Justin Timberlake.

“I was about to stand up in front of my friends and family and bare my soul for the person I love. It was terribly emotional,” Biel, 30, tells People.

RAISING MONSTERS

Two Mothers Turn In Sons For Murders Of Missing Girls

By Elizabeth C.

NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT SOMEWHERE A MOTHER DOESN’T FEEL ANGUISH THAT HER CHILD WAS MURDERED. But two cases this week suggests there is a nearly equally horrifying experience: knowing your son is the murderer.

Two high-crime cases of missing young girls who later turned up dead were solved this week when the mothers fingered their sons as the suspects.

DADDY DEAREST

Tom Cruise Sues To Send Suri A Message: Daddy Still Loves You

By Elizabeth C.

DO NOT FRUCK WITH TOM CRUISE’s REPUTATION AS A DAD. YOU CAN make fun of his couch-jumping and his height and his creepy intensity, but don’t even think of calling him a bad dad.

that’s the message after Cruise slapped A $50 million lawsuit against the publisher of In Touch and Life & Style for alleging that he has abandoned his 6-year-old daughter, Suri.

IN THE NAME OF LOVE?

What The -! Brazilian Babe Nets $780K For Her Virginity

By Elizabeth C.

WE’RE NOT SURE THAT WHAT SHE’S SELLING IS LEGIT, BUT CATARINA MIGLIORINI CLAIMS A JAPANESE MAN BID $780,000 TO TAKE HER VIRGINITY.

“If you only do it once in your life then you are not a prostitute,” says Migliorini, a 20-year-old Brazilian who alleges she’ll use the money to build homes for poor families in her community. “Just like if you take one amazing photograph it does not automatically make you a photographer.

NOT THE SAME OLD SONG & DANCE

Songified Foreign Debate Proves ‘Gregory Brothers’ Will Rule Despite Who Wins Election

By Elizabeth C.

SNIFF SNIFF. (WIPES TEAR.)The MAINSTREAM CO-OPTION OF THE Gregory Brothers is complete.

Those hipster musicians who auto-tune the news have colluded with the New York Times in the release of its latest Songified event: the the foreign policy debate between Obama and Mittens.

BEWARE CHICAGO

This Burleque Zombie Apocalypse Will Live For Three More Nights

By Elizabeth C.

THE PRESS RELEASE ASKS, “CAN SOUTHERN GUY RESIST THE SEXIEST APOCALYPSE EVER?” And since “Southern Guy” is really a Chicago gal in disguise, I figured I could field this one: No, he cannot.

Thus what appears above is a promotional snap from Chicago’s Gorilla Tango Theatre for Boobs Of The Dead: A Walking Dead Burlesque, being held over for three more performances this weekend “so even those folks who move slower than well, zombies, can check out our hot decaying babes!”

THINGS THAT GO THUMP IN THE NIGHT

This Halloween Light Display Will Make You Want To Gangnam

By Elizabeth C.

TWO POSITIVES — HALLOWEEN AND PSY’S GANGHAM STYLE— DELIVER A DARK CHARGE WHEN manifested as a holiday light display show in Leesburg, Va.

BLOWHARD ALERT

Honey Boo Boo Visits Dr. Drew & All That’s Missing Is The Snack For Good Behavior

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S HOW A HONEY BOO BOO CHILD BEHAVES WHEN IT’S TRAPPED IN A CAGE OF BATHOS.

The poor little chitlin’s been fed and poked and prodded and now paraded through the market to see what price she’ll bring.

Keep your eyes bright, child! Put your feet down! Pay attention! Look into the camera! Answer the TV man’s questions!