CONGRATS

Our Long National Tabloid Nightmare Is Over: Jennifer Aniston Is Engaged!

JENNIFER ANISTON IS ENGAGED!

People broke the news with this statement: “Justin Theroux had an amazing birthday on Friday, receiving an extraordinary gift when his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston, accepted his proposal of marriage.”

The announcement came during Sunday night’s closing Olympics ceremony — and suspiciously on the same weekend when Jen’s ex Brad Pitt was alleged to be making husband stealer Angelina his wife.

NOT WELCOMED

New Jersey Towns Slam Doors Shut On Snooki & J-Woww

By Karen Malmquist

NEW JERSEY IS TURNING ITS BACK ON ITS BIGGEST STARS, Snooki and J-Woww.

You’d think that with all the characters crawling around the Garden State’s biggest tourist attractions, new mom Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi and a relatively tame Jenni ‘J-Woww’ Farley would be welcome to shoot season two of Snooki & J-Woww almost anywhere.

That’s not exactly the case.

LOOKING FOR THE LIMELIGHT

Time For Ryan Lochte, TV Star? Jeah! Says Olympian

WHEN RYAN LOCHTE BRAGGED THIS WAS his “time,” we thought he was talking about finally beating Michael Phelps in the medal count. But that was before he flubbed the 400-meter relay, was outed as a douche, and confessed to peeing in the pool.

Now we know that he’s setting his sights outside the pool. Lochte, the most popular dish among Olympic eye candies, reveals that he’s moving to Los Angeles where he plans on fielding offers from reality TV’s The Bachelor and Dancing With The Stars. His first choice?

Check out Olympian Ryan Lochte Loses Sheen With Some Of The Ladies

IS A ‘FACE PAW’ IS CALLED FOR

Credit: Facebook

‘Boo’ Hoo: World’s ‘Cutest’ Dog Gets Push From High-Placed Friends?

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION, PRETTIES: A beautiful face works magic, but it’s well-placed connections that parlays your pretty into book contracts, plush toy lines and morning talk shows visit.

Just ask Boo.

The dapper 6-year-old Pomeranian pooch has become all the rage on social networks, with 5 million “likes” on Facebook. He’s the “cutest dog in the world,” according to Google. Or, at least, we thought that’s why we loved him. (Let’s admit it: we’re shallow, and partying with the pretties reflects their sheen back on ourselves.)

THIS TRIP’S ALL WET

Snooki & JWoww: Sober Is The Loneliest Number

By Karen Malmquist

BARE FIGHTS! BICKERING! CROCODILES! OH MY!

On Thursday’s Snooki & J-Woww, the girls ditch Jersey City for a chance to relive their nonexistent college days by partying it up in Cancun. Of course, with a pregnant Nicole in tow, this trip will be anything but easy. “I’m not sure pregnancy is supposed to be a handicap,” Jenni sniffs. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

WE’RE ALL SO ‘LUCKY’

Credit: THR

Crash Landing At Nearby Theaters Soon: Alf, The Movie

BECAUSE HOLLYWOOD IS FRESH OUT OF IDEAS a goofy 80’s sitcom about a wisecracking alien who snacks on cats, Alf is headed to the big screen.

MONEY TALKS LOUDEST

Lil Mouse’s Incendiary Video Incites Faux Outrage In Chi-Raq

FAUX OUTRAGE IS BUBBLIN’ IN CHI-RAQ OVER A NEW MUSIC VIDEO showing a 13-year-old kid flashing cash and dropping “F” bombs in a song about smokin’ somebody with a gun.

The rapper is Lil Mouse, star of the YouTube offering Get Smoked, which waxes rhythmically about “lame niggas gettin’ killed,” “fucking around and gettin’ smoked.”

“This warrants an investigation,” Chicago rapper Che ‘Rhymefest’ Smith tells the Sun-Times. “This has clearly crossed over into child pornography when you have a 13-year-old child rapping about sex and about violence and drug selling.”

Even Mary Mitchell, Chicago’s implicit interpreter of the hood to the lily white Northside, is spewing shock over the incendiary video.

Rihanna’s “Thug Life” Doesn’t Jibe With Nivea

SEEMS THE “THUG LIFE” DOESN’T MESH WELL WITH NIVEA’S IMAGE AS SKIN CARE FOR THE “CIVILIZED.”

JUNK NEWS

Whack Wednesday: Joan Rivers Goes Guerilla, Trojan Beefs Up Its Promos & Talbots Shows Its Age

By Miz J

JOAN RIVERS GOT HER GERIATRIC ASS tossed out of Costco yesterday for raising hell when the store decided not to sell her book — and tried to sell it herself directly to their customers. Guess all those hours peddling her jewelry on QVC really paid off.

DELIVERANCE

Watch Mumford & Sons’ I Will Wait

By Elizabeth C.

THE FANBOYS AND FANGIRLS ARE GETTING ALL TINGLY: British folk rockers Mumford & Sons have released I Will Wait, just head of the Sept. 25th arrival of their second album, Babel.

The uncompromising musicians catapulted to international fame after the release of their 2009 album Sigh No More. Now bass player Ted Dwane tells Rolling Stone that the band is hoping to deepen its relationship with the fans.

“There’s a perception of what we are, but it’s sort of based on one album – 12 songs!,” Dwane tells Patrick Doyle. “We’re really excited to broaden that spectrum of people’s perception of what we are musically. “