AB BLASTER

Kristen Stewart Surfaces, Reveals She’s Been Working Out

By Elizabeth C.

FINALLY, IT CAN BE REVEALED WHAT KRISTEN STEWART HAS BEEN DOING WHILE hiding away in her vampireless bunker: sit-ups.

AN EPIC SWIM MEET

In Greatest Sperm Competition Ever, Ryan Lochte & Prince Harry Perform Swimmingly

By Elizabeth C.

THE CONTESTANTS: OLYMPIAN DOUCHE RYAN LOCHTE AND BRITAIN’S H.R.H. PRINCE HARRY.

THE SETTING: a “boozy” party in a Las Vegas “nightclub pool.”

The prize: winning gold in nature’s sperm competition.

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR

Real Housewives Of New York: Heather Goes Gangsta

By Trisha B.

AT A PARTY, LUANN AND RAMONA CONTINUE TO ARGUE about the nasty wine trick; Carole’s planned trip for the ladies to St. Bart’s may be sans Aviva; and Sonja seems to think she’s Heather’s client, but nooooo, honey, Heather says her clients PAY. She’s helping Sonja out of pure friendship, but it looks like that might not last too much longer.

CHILD’S PLAY

Paying Homage To The Mind Games Of Every Child

By Elizabeth C.

VIDEOGRAPHER IAN BENNET PAYS HOMAGE TO THE MIND GAMES we all play as children.

THE ”B” WORD

Drink Up! Kimmie K Is Serving Sexy On The Beach

By Elizabeth C.

KANYE WEST’S “PERFECT B*TCH” has tweeted a new photo of her voluptuous self posing provocatively on the beach; ho hum, it must be Monday.

But it’s not just any Monday; it’s the one-year anniversary of her fake marriage to Kris Humphries.

WHAT A TART

Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Sour Grapes & A Tart

By Karen Malmquist

WHO NEEDS ENEMIES WHEN YOU HAVE FAMILY LIKE THIS?

While the majority of adults on the Real Housewives of New Jersey trip to Napa weren’t behaving appropriately in wine country, at least they were largely getting along. However, even after Kathy tries to have a nice time sitting next to Teresa at dinner, her cousin leaves her out once again.

THE EMBODIMENT OF MACHINE

Credit: Rolling Stone

Rage Against The Machine Goes Meta, Rages Against The Machine

By Elizabeth C.

PAUL RYAN, REPUBLICAN VP CANDIDATE, WISCONSIN BRO, RANDIAN HYPOCRITE, CLAIMS RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE AMONG his favorite bands.

This does not sit well with Tom Morello, the band’s guitarist, who, well, raged against the Republican tool in an essay for Rolling Stone:

HORMONAL

Snooki & J-Woww: Crocodilly Tears

By Karen Malmquist

ALL SEASON WE’VE BEEN WAITING for the big moment that could potentially break up America’s most meaningful friendship. That moment came Thursday when a hormonal Snooki began feeling sorry for herself.

WTF

And Speaking Of ‘Pussy Riot,’ This Will Blow Your Mind

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S A GUT-BUSTING FLASHBACK TO THE CHEESY 70S. Have a nice trip!

THE ‘COOL’ WAR

Julian Assange, The Pussy Riot & The Irony Of Diplomacy

By Elizabeth C.

HERE’S A KNEESLAPPER TO BEGIN YOUR FRIDAY: Russia, which just convicted the girls’ rock band Pussy Riot for mocking President Putin in song, has issued a warning to the U.K. about its threat to storm the Ecuadorian embassy where WikiLeaks’ founder is holed up interminably.