Snooki & J-Woww: Loving You Is Killing Me

By Karen Malmquist

AFTER SHARING TEARS AND JEERS, THREATS AND ACCUSATIONS, New Jersey’s finest finally have boyfriend breakthroughs that end in celebratory pickle juice shots.

STINGY IN LIFE, STINGY IN LOVE?

Did Robert Pattinson’s Cheapness Cost Him Kristen Stewart?

By Elizabeth C.

GOSSIPS AND TWIHARDS HAVE LEARNED A BLOODY LOT ABOUT ROBERT PATTINSON since Kristen Stewart was caught grinding on another, thus emotionally stomping on RPatz’s heart.

Discovery No. 1 — he’s cheap. Pattinson himself confessed to this as the reason he was sans publicist when Kristen was caught with her pants down, figuratively speaking of course. The absence of a professional spin doctor left the Twilight star sputtering during his first outing on The Daily Show post publication of snaps showing K-Stew canoodling with Rupert Sanders. While we love that Rob didn’t actually dish on her, he was verbally clumsy and didn’t have much of anything to say. He could have made us all happy by simply joking that vampires don’t cry.

Mittens & Ryan Fearmonger, Lobby For Military Contractors’ Votes

By Elizabeth C.

TYPICALLY I DON’T LIKE WADING INTO PARTISAN POLITICS because I’m not a devotee of either party. But Paul Ryan’s demagoguery in the military haven of Fayetteville, N.C. makes me want to throw up.

During a campaign stop near Fort Bragg, and before an audience filled with “military contractors, retired military officers and their families,” the Wisconsin Republican tried rattling the sabers by criticizing President Obama for defense cuts included in the Budget Control Act that both parties approved last year.

GOLDEN

Nicole Kidman’s Body Is A Wonderland In V‘s Travel Issue

By Elizabeth C.

IN THE FUTURE ALL WOMEN SHOULD BE NICOLE KIDMAN FOR 15 MINUTES.

Beautiful, smart, successful in her own right, the A-list actress turns up the sexy in a new photo spread for V magazine looking better than any woman has a right to at 45. So what if the photos are Photoshopped beyond the possibilities of human flesh, the photo essay by celebrity photographer Mario Testino will make Tom Cruise do a doubletake and wish he’d never threw that marriage away. (Cruise’s loss is Keith Urban’s gain.)

SPELLBINDING

Vivienne Marcheline Cast As Angelina’s Nemesis In Maleficent

By Elizabeth C.

THE MISTRESS OF ALL EVIL, ANGELINA JOLIE, HAS CHOSEN WHO AMONG HER BROOD TO CONTRIVE AN EPIC LIFETIME BATTLE between good and evil, beauty and youth. And it shall be Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt who is doomed to a lifetime of competition and comparison to mom.

Angelina’s fairest, youngest daughter Viv, will appear as a young Snow White in Ang’s upcoming remake of the princess fairytale in Maleficent. Elle Fanning stars as the adult Aurora.

ECHOES OF THE PAST

Suspended In-N-Out Meatpacker Promises To Revive 100-Year Old Tactic To Challenge Truth

By Elizabeth C.

UPTON SINCLAIR SHOCKED THE NATION WITH HIS HORRIFIC DEPICTION OF FILTH AND CRUELTY INSIDE Chicago meatpacking plants. When The Jungle prompted a federal investigation that confirmed what Sinclair alleged, the meatpacking owners to hire two University of Illinois professors to perform an “independent” study.

That was more than a 100 years ago. And what did University of Illinois professors T.J. Burrill and H.B. Grindley conclude? Why, that the revelations publicized in the Neill-Reynolds Report were exaggerated and or deliberate falsehoods, of course.

JUNK FOOD NEWS

MTV Plans Drake-Brown ”Bash,’ Avril Lavigne ‘Rocks’ Out & Lindsay Lohan Taints Party

By Miz J

MTV WANTS DRAKE, RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN TO start something at the VMAs on September 6. And by “start something,” we mean a fight.

A VERY MODERN PRINCE

Credit: Chris Jackson-Pool/Getty Images

Prince Harry Turns Royal Monarchy Into ‘We The People’

By Elizabeth C.

HENCEFORTH FROM TODAY, there is no shame in having your naked picture posted on the web. We have H.R.H. Prince Henry Charles Albert David, a.k.a. “Harry,” a.k.a. “Prince Hot Ginge” to thank for that.

In two blinks of the camera’s eye, Britain’s Harry has morphed a millennium of royal rule into “we the people.” It’s the most democratic thing the House of Windsor has done in centuries.

HARRY WINS THE RACE?

Caught On Camera! Prince Harry Exposes The Royal Jewels

By Elizabeth C.

IT’S THE BIGGEST ROYAL SEX SCANDAL SINCE PRINCE CHARLES WAS RECORDED RUMINATING ABOUT BEING CAMILLA’S TAMPON: Britain’s Prince Harry’s been snapped romping naked with a commoner.

Proving that what happens in Vegas can actually jump international waters, TMZ has published two grainy snaps of the playboy Prince covering his jewels with his hands as an unidentified female wraps her arms around his naked waist.

SOME KIND OF HOLLYWOOD RECORD?

It’s Done: TomKat Is Officially Kaput

By Elizabeth C.

THAT WAS FAST: TOMKAT IS OFFICIALLY KAPUT.

According to E!, the couple’s divorce case was closed Monday after a judge approved the final judgment.